I love my Mum but I can’t carry on caring for her

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Hi,

I’m wondering if anyone could give me some advice or tell me if my feelings are justified (or if you disagree with how I’m feeling please tell me).

My mum has forever been my rock. She’s always provided me with support, love, and an amazing home. However, 4 years ago just after I turned 21, my dad left our family home. Of course she was devastated and it disrupted our whole family life. 4 years on, the divorce is finalised, my mum is in a new home, and I’ve finally graduated from a long degree at university.

Understandably, my mum still has really sad days because of the divorce and her ‘new life’ (we have just moved into a lovely family home - but it’s very different to our old life). I have moved home with my mum, and I am hoping to get a graduate job and move out within the next couple of months.

Unfortunately, I can’t help but feel really guilty about this. My two siblings have spent the time since the seperation travelling and living elsewhere. Part of me really admired them for being able to separate themselves from our family situation. Because they aren’t around like I am, my mum relies on my care an awful lot. She gets upset if I spend an evening with friends, she voices her (negative) opinion about me moving out, and I find in general I spend most of my days looking after her.

She finds everyday tasks laborious, and when she goes to work, she expects me to do a lot of her general life admin because she struggles with it. Of course I have no issue with doing these things, I will always help her out. However, I find I put my job applications, social life (including my boyfriend) and general happiness to the bottom of my to do list. If she is upset or a bit grumpy, I take the whole day to cheer her up. I feel awful saying these things, but I feel like my own health and happiness comes last in my life. I have found that I have lost friends because I put off seeing them to make sure I am available for my mum. I struggle for money because I sort out her bills and food shopping to ensure she doesn’t have to stress about that. I do all of her cooking, cleaning and washing (which when I live at home I think is fair).

I want to have my relationship with her, but I currently feel like my job and purpose in life is to look after her. I think this is my own fault as I am too soft (maybe if I just said no like my siblings then I wouldn’t have this problem). But I don’t know who else she could rely on. It would upset her so much if I made the decisions to live how I want to.

Am I being unfair?

I imagined you talking about a very elderly lady whom you were no longer allowed to care for alone. Your mother is only a couple of years older than me! She’s being incredibly selfish towards you. You need to break those ties before she stifles you. She won’t like it but hopefully it will be the start of a better life for both of you.

Sorry no longer able is what I meant to type!

50!! Tell her to fuck off. She's 5 years older than me FFS.

I do think your mum probably has some anxiety and depression (as does my own mum) but even so this doesn’t mean you have to become responsible for her. She is with it enough to seek help and to be honest it might even encourage her to tackle her own demons by having to help herself.

I thought you were talking about an elderly woman, but she’s only just turned 50.. She may have been your rock, but she’s turning into a millstone.

Op you sound really lovely and incredibly kind but in the nicest possible way you have to believe that it can get better and much easier. Many 50 yr olds rebuild their lives successfully after bereavement or divorce. Neither you or your siblings are responsible for your mother's happiness.

And I do so agree with Fairylea. You need to stop this pattern of behaviour now before it filters down in to the next generation.

She obviously feels lost and alone since the divorce and has leant on you far more than she should. You may have to wean her off the support gradually by just being out more and pointing her to the websites etc needed for life admin until she can cope. Could she join something like the WI for friendship and activities as if she rebuilds her own social life she should stop ruining yours. If she is resistant to any of this 'weaning' then you may just have to pull the plug as you need to start your on life as a young adult.

This is such a weird role reversal.

My parents divorced when I was 7. It was pretty turbulent and very much so even after we'd left. My sister and mum argued in a very violent way. But ultimately we looked after each other whilst we healed

My mum has always likened divorce to a bereavement, in that you mourn things and a person who is still alive. She said the first year she cried every day. The second year only on anniversaries. The third year she was happy to move on.

I think that you caring for your mum so much allows her to still wallow in this bereavement stage. All the things that we do on a daily basis sometimes serve as a good distraction and a good way to keep our minds healthy.

You need to step back for not only your own mental health but your mother's. I would be extremely resentful of putting my own life at the bottom of the list at that age. Your mum has lived her life, had her parties, had experiences. You still have so much more to do.

You're not past still having amazing experiences though OP. Set yourself free and go live! Your mum will survive, I promise. If she calls you selfish, take your bags and go and tell her she needs to look in the mirror. Do not let her put you on a guilt trip.

Ah, I see, your Mum has no boundaries and is very good at being "helpless" so that you'll step in. It's going to be painful for her to stand on her own two feet, and she might need some professional help, but she still has to do it.

Because if she doesn't do it now, when is she?

You are not responsible for her mental health. She's only a few years older than me and I view myself as young!

Did your Dad do all the admin? She might not just be confident but that's no reason not to give it a go. My MiL is like this and now she's totally unable to do anything, it does not get better. Fortunately, my FiL enables her to continue without help but we worry what will happen if he wasn't around.

Any MH issues? ADHD or ASD? Have a read about co-dependency. Move towards supporting and teaching her stuff, letting her struggle, rather than her just being enabled to be carefree.

And please don't blame yourself. There is nothing wrong with your personality. Your mother is the parent. In a healthy relationship, she would want you to go and live your life to the full.

I imagine your Mum has a dependent personality. This can even have such a large impact on functioning it can be a personality disorder

psychcentral.com/disorders/dependent-personality-disorder/symptoms/

Did your Mum marry young and depend on your dad for everything?

You are trapped in role of ‘savior’. Ultimatley adults are responsible for their own happiness - you can’t make someone else happy. Same as if she was an alcoholic, you can’t stop th drinking and ‘save them’.

You will be very unhappy if you sacrifice your life for your mother. No good parent would ever want this - a good parent would even pretend to be fine when they are not to avoid burdening and distressing their children.

If I were you I’d arrange for some counselling to work on your own issues, try and gain a healthy emotional distance from your mother (e.g saying ‘don’t be ridiculous, I’m 25 years old’ when she tries to stop you seeing your friends) and move out as soon as you can

I agree with others that 50 is FAR from being old. This is not an age thing though - it's a type of parent who holds their children responsible for their happiness and manipulates (maybe unconsciously) the relationship so that their children end up taking care of them instead of the other way round. My mother is very similar OP and I feel your pain.

You have very modest goals for yourself. Wanting to move out of your mother's home, wanting to invest more time in your friendships and relationship, and to be more independent of her - these are totally normal things to want as a young adult. You are not being selfish or outrageous or demanding in the slightest. It's your mother's level of control that is making you question yourself to this extent.

If you're interested, and if it might be a possibility for you, I cannot recommend counselling /psychotherapy enough. I was in therapy for several years and it helped more that I can say with learning to prioritise my own needs, recognising the impact of my parents' behaviour on me, and learning to manage the guilt.

Apart from that, you are being entirely reasonable and everyone on this thread has said so. It will be down to you to start re-drawing the boundaries in your relationship with your mother. It will be tough, but it will be ok. You can do it. Making plans to move out is a really good start. There are lots of us on here who have had similar experiences so please keep posting if it's useful

50?!? She's selfish.

A horrible thing to do to one of your children - no wonder the others two DCs are away long term.

Leave - you can and you must.

Just talking to my DP and read out your post as it is 99% same as his circumstances about 2-3 years ago.

He and his mum were very close like you and your mum.

Only instead of a divorce, it was me coming onto the scene. His mum is a technophobe and couldn't even do so much as log into her bank account or even work the sky tv.

She relied on him for so much. She didn't have many friends either.

What he did is do a slow transition with her. Full disclosure. He said he intended to move out in the future and so they scheduled days together where he would sit down with her and teach her how to do things. They would write each thing down and go over it. She was very stubborn and there were complaints and arguments. But it was made very clear that his intention was to move out and so she had no choice but to prepare for it and learn how to do things for herself. This happened over a period of about 2 years all in all. He lived 50/50 with me and his mum until one day he fully moved in with me.

There were lots of phone calls in the early days. Panicked "I don't know how to do this!" And some emergency that he needed to drop everything to deal with.

He is more than happy to help her when he can because he loves her very much and know that she struggles with certain things. It's been 4 years now and the latest thing was helping her to get a new mobile phone and set it up. But she is much better at things now and she even got herself a boyfriend about 5 months ago so that has helped too as she has a companion at home.

So his advice to you is to tell her ypur intentions, prioritise looking for work and planning to move out but take the time to help her adjust to independent living.

You can transition slowly but always keep in mind your own life comes first. You can still be there for your mum while putting yourself first.

Hope that helps!

50!!!!

Fuck me. I thought you were going to say 80.

You need to get pissed off OP. She's sucking the youth out of you.

And yeah, it may require a few almighty rows. You have to be prepared to do that.

I had a Dad like that. He would have had me leave my husband and practically sleep on his bedroom floor if he could! I tried hinting, I tried everything but the only thing that ever worked was when I lost the plot and we had a good old fashioned row and I let it all come out. He was always shocked how strongly I felt cos we claimed to be oblivious and thought I WANTED to sacrifice my life for his comfort (!!) and backed off (for a while)

You need to be building a deposit as soon as possible. You need to get the hell out of that house.

We are all responsible for our own happiness OP, your mum included. You know this is an unhealthy dynamic for you, but have you thought about how unhealthy it is for her? She really needs to learn how to be independent again, how to rely on herself (hard after divorce I know) or how will she ever feel any kind of security and peace? Relying on you so completely will only increase her sense of insecurity and fear of being left alone and that’s probably where the controlling behaviour is coming from.

You have options, you can try a tactical withdrawal, spend less time with (and emotional energy on) her and try to help her find her feet without you, encourage her to start taking responsibility for her own life and happiness. She will resist though and I suspect there will come a time when you have to be more brutal than you would like so it’s worth considering whether ‘brutal’ might be better from the outset.

You have to do it though, for her sake as much as your own. Having supportive family you can lean on is one thing but this level of reliance is extremely bad for both of you.

I want to make her happy

This is at the crux of it. But you can't. I spent a lifetime trying to make my lovely Mum happy. One of my earliest memories, at about 5, is of me putting on a 'show' to cheer her up. I obviously didn't know it then, but she was depressed for most of her (and all of my) life. (For good reason, I might add). And that's hard to deal with when you love someone, because you want, and think you can, make it better somehow.

As a teenager/adult, I began to resent the feeling that I was responsible for her emotional well-being. I did live my life, up to a point, but with the constant feeling of guilt that I was never able to do enough, or the right things, to 'cheer her up'. It was only latterly, before her death, (I cared for her in old age for about 5 years) that it really hit me that I was on a hiding to nothing. You cannot make someone happy. Happiness comes from the inside, and if someone is inwardly sad or depressed because of what life has thrown at them, no amount of care, pandering, accommodation of their wants, will make them happy.

Maybe your Mum could do with some counselling. She may well be suffering from depression, and I think it's important for both of you that she has somewhere neutral where she can offload, and maybe gain a little insight into the skewed dynamic that exists between you. You can still be kind, helpful and loving, but for your own sake, you need to have some boundaries. When you move out (you must, op), temper the jolt for her by arranging coffees, or meals out, doing something special for her Birthday, texting her to ask how her day's been, etc. You don't need to disengage completely, just put the relationship on a different footing.

You must do what you need to do with your own life. You can do it with kindness and patience, but you must do it, op.

Op's Mum is the same age as Kylie and J-Lo.

She's 4 years younger than Brad Pitt, and 8 years younger than Simon Cowell.

I was imagining an old Croney, with a blue rinse.

My biggest problem is that I don’t want to upset her. I am really stuck on how to handle this - probably because I am young. I don’t want to create a situation where she feels like I have left her like my dad did. Nor do I want to have to come across as though I don’t want to help her out every so often. How do I go about telling her she needs some help?

I think it will only work, once you are living apart. Because then your contact will be reduced.

She is not all that concerned about upsetting you though and its not your role here to make her happy or make her life easier. She is not at all appreciative of what you have done to date here for her and she is more than capable of doing this herself.

Your boundaries re her are pretty much shot and that does not help you either. Where are your boundaries here re your mother?. Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no you would not have done. Your mother is no different.

You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in any relationship; it simply does not work. Enabling her as you have done does not help either of you and only gives you a false sense of control. Do not remain trapped in your role as saviour here, break free of this. To this end counselling for your own self would be an excellent idea. BACP are good and do not charge the earth.

She is 3 years younger than me! I am going to be really hard on you, you have enabled her. You need her to stand on her own two feet and you need to get on with your life. Your life starts TODAY!

You don't need a big statement but you need to start weaning her off you. Let her start with her basic admin, she can do this. Set her up with online banking and let her get on with it. Put all the bills on direct debits.

Book yourself a holiday and let het get on with it.

That’s not fair on you at all. It’s ok to disengage a bit and reorient your compass back where it belongs... right in your heart and pointing at your goals.

You’ve given your whole heart, soul, body and mind to the service of your mother at the moment. There’s no you, and if you carry on like this, in another few years you’ll have lost everything that’s ‘yours’ and you’ll have trouble even working out where you begin and end. Because you’ll be so diluted and mixed in with your mum.

It may be a little painful, as your mum won’t like it at the beginning, but you have to pull away and redefine your own boundaries.

Good luck.

I am older than your mum (the same age as Annie Lennox, but not as awesome )and I echo others here - the dynamic between you is totally skewed. Neither of you are benefitting from this. You both need your own lives.

50 is not old - the current pension age is 67 ffs!