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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband no longer attracted to me due to weight loss...

104 replies

gingkofeesh · 09/09/2018 20:11

I’m struggling with round 3 of an eating disorder, 36 with DH and DS, age 3. It was triggered by stress incl dealing with DH’s burnout at work and depression, a toddler, a further round of narcissistic abuse from Mum, financial worries and my demanding job.... this morning though DH told me I look like I should be in hospital and he doesn’t feel he can have sex with someone so ‘sick’ :( I am not actually that thin according to bmi, and I think that I’ve got plenty of muscle and am actually quite chubby on the belly and thighs (I run....ran 30km this morning so not exactly about to keel over). I can’t gain any weight back- I’m aiming to lose a bit more then maintain it there. But what do I do? Can I somehow convince him that I’m well and get over this block? Is it his antidepressants as well? I’m really into him and want him, so this hurts... thank you for reading.

OP posts:
pointythings · 09/09/2018 21:10

I think you are seriously ill, and I think at some level you know it too. Your body is meant to have periods - not having them means something is wrong. Being severely underweight can have serious consequences in later life, so you are storing up trouble for yourself.

You are aware that this is episode 3 - please get yourself referred and end this episode. I feel for your DH.

Agentornika · 09/09/2018 21:12

You need help op, you sound seriously unwell. You're happy that you're over exercising and your periods have stopped. That's not normal

Racecardriver · 09/09/2018 21:14

Please seek medical help immediately. If your c period have stopped then that is your body shutting down. You are a mother, you can't allow yourself to behave this way. You know deep down that you are not healthy. You need medical help. You have a mental illness which kills people. Please don't let yourself be one of the ones who dies.

Original poster
gingkofeesh · 09/09/2018 21:14

I guess what I wanted was some sort of assurance that I am unwell, as much of the time I feel fat and fraudulent and that I don’t deserve any help that others would benefit more from. Thank you for your concern and, as much as my mind is screaming at me not to, I know I must seek help for my family’s sake. I’m very sorry if this posting triggered anyone also struggling, that wasn’t the intention. And just to add for clarity, I’m not at as low a weight as before and my behaviour is different so it isn’t easy to compare how ‘bad’ it is. Again, not meaning to offend, and I’ve found this exercise very helpful so thank you all. Xx

OP posts:
MNHQ
ClaraMumsnet · 09/09/2018 21:14

Hello all, thanks for your reports on this thread. Many of you were concerned at the discussion of numbers, such as BMI, on a thread where the OP is struggling with an eating disorder. We've deleted a few posts and will need to delete posts which quote them. While it's not against our Talk Guidelines, it might be helpful on threads like this where the OP is seeking support to avoid discussion of numbers such as weights and BMIs. Best wishes to you, OP Flowers

ScattyCharly · 09/09/2018 21:14

OP, I think you need maybe to visit the GP. Whatever numbers say, BMI, weight, height etc, the fact is that you’ve stopped having periods. This is your body saying no. You mustn’t measure yourself against charts or any other person to make yourself think it’s ok. Your body is telling you it isn’t because it has stopped periods. It has stopped periods because it has not got enough energy to do this function. It has diverted the energy cost of having periods to keeping you alive. Please see the doctor.

LoniceraJaponica · 09/09/2018 21:15

You have a BMI of 17.5 and want to reduce it to 17 which is anorexia territory
You haven’t had a period for months
You ran 30k this morning

You admit that you are struggling with an eating disorder yet you are still in denial about the way you look. It sounds like your husband is very worried about you and wants to shock you into doing something about your issues. You can’t convince your husband you are well because you aren’t.

Please get some help asap. You are not well, and will only add to your husband’s stress levels if you continue like this.

Musti · 09/09/2018 21:18

Gingko- that's great that you're seeking help and of course you deserve it. All the best

Isadora2007 · 09/09/2018 21:19

much of the time I feel fat and fraudulent and that I don’t deserve any help

That is your illness talking to you. You are as deserving as anyone else who is ill. You are unwell, life threateningly so.
Please seek help- for your son and husband if you cannot do it for yourself quite yet.

annandale · 09/09/2018 21:21

I'm very relieved to read your update gingko. You absolutely deserve and need help and I hope you get it.

keefthebeef · 09/09/2018 21:22

Please see your DR. Your DH loves you and is trying to help you. Listen to him.

pointythings · 09/09/2018 21:22

I applaud you for taking all this on board - it must have made tough reading. Seeking help is the right thing to do for yourself and for your family. Focus on being there and being well for your DS and the very best of luck Flowers.

DN4GeekinDerby · 09/09/2018 21:24

I totally get looking at your body and seeing something that it's not. Even after I'd unintentionally gained quite a bit of weight, all I could see when I looked at myself was the skeletal version I'd been before. I'd poke at my hip bones and collar bones as proof I was too small even though no one else could see them.

It's hard to work through body issues and to rebuild after your health crashes which you're at high risk of, I've been at that BMI due to neglect as a teen and then later due to medical issues that destroyed my appetite - it's hard on the body, the body will burn anything including vital muscle in your heart and other organs to keep you going now even at the detriment to your well-being and longevity. Remaining underweight puts you at high risk of cardiac and many other issues. Stress will make it harder, but there are ways to build yourself back to coping and health. I hope the best for you.

Strippervicar · 09/09/2018 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bluntness100 · 09/09/2018 21:50

You do need to seek help. You're not well, and your eating disorder is talking.

Go see your gp. And when your husband tells you you look so sick you should be in hospital, then accept it as the truth and that your eating disorder can't let you see it. He loves you, don't let the illness win.

Good luck. Go get some help.

straightjeans · 09/09/2018 21:55

How are you well if you are are round 3 with an eating disorder? You literally just admitted to yourself (and us) that you are in fact not well at all.

Twillow · 09/09/2018 21:56

Bless you, what a worrying OP and so glad that you have taken on board what everyone has replied, lovely update and the very best of luck with your battle.

annandale · 09/09/2018 21:57

Strippervicar you sound very unwell too. I don't really know much about EDs so I won't comment much except that your fight sounds really tough and as if you are at risk of losing. I hope you have help as well on your side of the fight.

Thatsfuckingshit · 09/09/2018 22:03

OP also remember you husband isn't saying he won't have sex with you because you have lost weight.

It's because he recognises you have a mental health issue and are not acting rationally. He is concerned for you.

Alwa · 09/09/2018 22:06

Get help, love. You're poorly x

dirtybadger · 09/09/2018 22:07

By the sounds of it you will be visiting doctors soon so I am sure they will give you this advice anyway- but be aware that running at a low body weight (specifically to the extent of losing your period) is dangerous skeletally.

No periods = low oestrogen = decreased bone mineral density = high risk for stress fractures (which are a risk in anyone doing a lot of running but especially underweight women and post menopausal women).

Good luck Flowers hope your DH is supportive

twattymctwatterson · 09/09/2018 22:20

Stripper I'm trying to be kind because you're clearly unwell but your behaviour is really unpleasant. The op is ill, something which I would imagine you should be able to empathise with. If this type of thread causes you to lash out at an op in a way that could actually make them more Ill, then you should probably avoid them. Seriously for the sake of your health and your child, get help.

Lostandfound81 · 10/09/2018 14:06

I have thought of little else since I read your post last night
I have name changed for this

We are in very similar situations. Or rather we were until about a month ago.

I’m 37. 2 children. Just under 17 BMI Also a runner. Also prone to evening cereal binges.

All going well. Or so I thought. Then the following happened

Periods stopped
Hair fell out
Began to feel dreadful
Flat and sad
Started to look fu@king awful - haggard, gaunt, aware of people looking at me (I have gone the duration of summer hiding my legs and arms)

Blood tests revealed hormones all over the place. And Doc and encronologist agreee likely due to under eating grossly and over exercising.
I had a bone scan. I am at risk of osteoporosis. The hormone imbalance was making me feel so foggy and flat

But I kidded myself that all ok because I do eat, 3 meals a day. Just extraordinarily healthy. Fruit for breakfast. Salad and chicken breast and more fruit for lunch. Huge pile of steamed veg, more fruit and yoghurt for dinner. No fat but I certainly wasn’t starving.

I was kidding myself.

What’s changed.

I went on the HRT oestrogen patch to deal with my bone risk and also my low mood due to low oestrogen. I feel like a different woman. No fog, no flatness.

This enabled me to see the truth. I am reducing my life span (and my looks!) by depriving myself.

So in the last month I have done the following.
Reduced length of run to 10k maximum and no more than 4times a week
No cardio classes at gym. Just yoga/Pilates and body pump
I have salmon or half avocado every lunch time without fail (big deal for me as fat was my nemesis)
I am seeing a therapist once a week
I have incorporated an evening treat before I go to bed of a bowl of Greek yoghurt mixed with a huge handful of nutty muesli (again buts were my nemesis).

Baby steps BUT I have gained 3 pounds and damn it I’m not losing them.

OP. We are too old for this. That was my epiphany . We have children who need us, now, tomorrow and in the future. I want to be here for them, not as a shell of a person but as a fully functioning woman.

Good luck OP

Methe · 10/09/2018 15:16

Fab post lostandfound Smile

HarmlessChap · 10/09/2018 15:26

It is also worth remembering that BMI was intended as a measure for sedentary people.

If you can run that kind of distance you are an athlete, you will have a higher proportion of muscle mass than a sedentary person and since muscle is heavier than fat a BMI of 18.5 really is an absolute bare minimum.

I do hope you get some help and I suspect that was what your DH was hoping for with his shock tactics.