Husband saying no to pet

[LaLaOrange]

I've been with my husband around 3 years. He has adult children that he doesn't have a relationship with and doesn't want more children which I'm fine with. Even though I've never wanted children, I now find myself in a strange place hitting my 40th year , pretty much mourning that I'll never be a mum and saying "goodbye" to that chapter in my life. Out of this however has been my urge to have a pet, in particular a dog. I have wanted a dog for many years having had one in the past and always missing him since but only now feel I can offer the right environment to a pet. Husband is dead against it and in the past has said he doesn't want to complete for my affection which I think is selfish. Whilst I'm happy to look after the dog on a day to day basis, all i want is some kind of assurance that should I be sick or stuck at work, he'd help out which he refuses to give and I'm now really resenting him. I'm finding it hard to reconcile the words with someone who says they'd do anything to make me happy with their actions. Any advice?

Thanks for all of your replies. It's definitely given me (and him I hope) something to think about. I'm quite surprised at the LTBs because I generally thought I was an assertive person in our relationship and he and I had more of an equal footing, but I've never really asked him for anything - especially something that he wouldn't like or that wouldn't benefit him. Overall we have a good relationship, we spend a lot of time together due to a shared hobby, however the amount of time and effort I put in to this may need to be adjusted due to getting a dog which I am happy to do.

I showed him this thread because I wanted him to see that it wasn't just my opinion that he was a selfish a-hole - I didn't realise this would be a bad idea. I'm not even sure if it is because it looks like he's come round.

We've spoken further about the situation today. He's said I've basically given him an ultimatum "if we don't get a dog I'm leaving" and I corrected him and said the ultimatum had nothing to do with the dog, it was "if you don't prioritise me and my happiness and stop acting like a selfish a-hole, then I'm leaving".

So, the upshot of it is that we're getting a dog. He attempted to compromise but I wasn't happy with his terms so declined and gave him mine which he agreed to eventually. We are in agreement that it will be a family pet, paid out of joint money, he'll be on hand to share some of the responsibilities and come with us on walks (or take the dog on a walk if I'm not around) and we both have to be in agreement on the dog to adopt it. We're going to make some changes to our home and garden to dogproof and he's already started researching this.

I'm watching him closely. If he doesn't keep to our agreement then me and the dog are off.

Glad we helped

Well done op. Has he understood the basics of not having control of your life? If he’s just placating you then be very wary.

Dh didnt want a dog either. We now have three and they all love him more than me

I'm also in the ditch the husband and get a sperm donor camp.

I still think you are on shakey ground.

The fact that you showed him this thread where he must have seen you want a baby as well and virtually everyone has said dump and run and get a dog and a sperm donor. I think he has capitulated quite quickly because he wants to keep you sweet.

Only my personal opinion but I think your biological clock is ticking and I hope you are not confusing your need for a dog with your need for children and you don't discover too late the dog is not drowning out the noise of the ticking.

I hope I am wrong but I have a feeling from what you have said that if you get this dog it will be the last thing you ever get from him.

Think about his words setting a precident I hope I am wrong but I think he is going to be bringing up those words every time you want anything in the future.

If I have a decision I always play out the different outcomes and think forward 10, 15, 20 years from now.

15 years from now you will be mid 50s. The dog will have gone, he won't get another and if you are still together it will be him deciding everything and you just living by his rules.

OP I very much doubt he has any intention to get this dog.

Something will happen between now and then, it could be subtle or an ultimatum, and somehow you still won't have a dog.

Keep your eye on more than this "agreement" you have. Be clear-sighted about all aspects of your life together.

Also, it would be good to have more in-depth conversations with him which don't revolve around him or shared interests. See how he responds to the small stuff being more about you.

oliversmums if he ever brings up setting a precedent again, the op can agree that it was about bloody time he set a precedent for respecting and caring how she felt about something and behaving accordingly. A precedent for a balanced healthy relationship.

Dogs are wonderful BUT both of you would need to be on board. Wouldn't be fair on the dog if one partner resented its presence.
I do think your partner is being very selfish though. It is perfectly possible that a dog could enhance BOTH your lives, if he actually opens his mind a bit.

Let's hope the fact that you both decide on the type of dog, doesn't cause an indefinite delay.

This is clearly not just about the dog.
Does he do anything on this list? If so, how many?
Signs of emotional abuse

You're mourning over not being a mum. So you did/do want children. & now you also can't have a pet. You're putting your life on hold for a man. He's not God, you know

Youre just on 40, that's not old. You can ditch him, get a dog. Have a baby if you meet someone compatible, or if sperm donor scenario is fine for you then go for that. Alternative - sit there with him until you're old. Just you and him, sat there.

Lament and regret over what could have been, and all your wasted years.

You could leave him and still have your lovely child and loving dog. Who knows what the future holds? You know what it'll be if you stay, tho.

It is also true that you shouldn't have a dog if you've not got the time to look after it.(Adult) DCs still here with me whilst saving for house deposit, and they want a dog.

I've said No as they work full-time and I work part time - I know what will happen. I will end up taking care of the dog and I don't see why I should. I like dogs, but I don't want one nor do I want one foisted on me.

I wouldn't be surprised if your H feels the same - albeit in your case life seems to be all about what HE does and doesn't. want. & that's not a good thing in general

Can you imagine having children and then turning your backs on them op?

That sounds extreme. Why don't they like him?

Find out from them op. He probably isn't a very nice person. Selfish and self centred.

Probably doesn't care about anyone or anything. His way or the highway.

Op can you delve a little deeper please because your DH doesn't sound like he is caring or considerate at all.

You have gone a long with his demands because you are a lovely, kind hearted person.

I would be very suspicious about him. This is more than just about the dog.

What do your friends and family think of him op?

I haven't read every post - so apologies if I missed an important point....

He doesn't want children with you...that is a NO.

He doesn't want you to have a dog...that is a NO.

OP what are you allowed to do without asking permission? It sounds as if you live in some kind of institution.

Think carefully, is this actually a balanced relationship. Is there give and take? Are you happy? Does he ask you if he can buy/do things he wants? Do you say no? Are things anywhere near right? He does NOT respect you or your opinions and desires in life, we only live once, do what you want to do, with someone who really cares! Have a little look at this, I don't think it will work as a link but it is very good, and good luck!

thoughtcatalog.com/lacey-ramburger/2016/12/if-he-doesnt-respect-you-he-doesnt-love-you/

Why don't you start by fostering a dog or joining "borrowmydoggy". That way you can make sure a dog fits in with your lifestyle plus you can see how your OH is with a dog.

One of my friends belongs to borrowmydoggy and often has dogs stay overnight or for a few days.

It could be that he actually likes having a dog in the house. If he hates having a dog there and is funny to you and/or the dog at least you will know about it.

Having a dog has helped my depression enormously. Without a dog I would happily not step foot outside my door and see no one but DH for weeks on end.

I walk my dog every day at least twice so it gets me out and on my lowest days when I really don't want to go out it often lifts my mood. I get to talk to other people (it's almost impossible to walk a dog and not have people talk to you, especially as I have a fairly unusual breed). If I really don't want to talk to anyone I just have my music and earplugs in. People won't usually try and talk if they see you have earphones in.

I didn't think I was a dog person but relented about 2 years ago.... Hands down the best thing I ever did. love him more than the kids I'd be lost without him. I also suffer from depression occasionally and insomnia and that has improved 1000%.

Get the dog.... Ditch the man.