Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband saying no to pet

116 replies

LaLaOrange · 09/09/2018 18:08

I've been with my husband around 3 years. He has adult children that he doesn't have a relationship with and doesn't want more children which I'm fine with. Even though I've never wanted children, I now find myself in a strange place hitting my 40th year , pretty much mourning that I'll never be a mum and saying "goodbye" to that chapter in my life. Out of this however has been my urge to have a pet, in particular a dog. I have wanted a dog for many years having had one in the past and always missing him since but only now feel I can offer the right environment to a pet. Husband is dead against it and in the past has said he doesn't want to complete for my affection which I think is selfish. Whilst I'm happy to look after the dog on a day to day basis, all i want is some kind of assurance that should I be sick or stuck at work, he'd help out which he refuses to give and I'm now really resenting him. I'm finding it hard to reconcile the words with someone who says they'd do anything to make me happy with their actions. Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
LaLaOrange · 09/09/2018 19:05

Another thing to add (sorry to drip feed) when I work long hours it's typically after dinner and he's fallen asleep on the sofa or gone to bed. Minimal impact to him really.

OP posts:
YearOfYouRemember · 09/09/2018 19:09

Oh love. It doesn't sound like you genuinely don't want children at all.

Either way I think I would be seriously reconsidering keeping this man as my husband sharpish.

TopBitchoftheWitches · 09/09/2018 19:14

I am wondering why you have depression tbh. Could it be anything to do with how your husband is towards you? Flowers

penisbeakers · 09/09/2018 19:24

He sounds like a wanker to be honest. I'd trade him in for a dog.

OliviaBenson · 09/09/2018 19:29

I did not want children, but I think it's ok to mourn that too as after a certain age it's no longer a choice.

Get a dog though! Mine has got me through depression and they bring me so much joy.

Beamur · 09/09/2018 19:32

If you work from home 4 days and can arrange a walker for the 5th, having a dog sounds ideal. It will get you out of the house at regular intervals, having a dog is very sociable, so you find yourself having lots of chats. It can only be good for your mental and physical health.
The dog issue with your husband just seems like a reflection that you just don't seem on the same page right now.

Jb291 · 09/09/2018 19:37

Ditch the immature man child and get yourself a dog OP. I wouldn't put up with a partner or spouse controlling me and telling me what I could or could not have. Sounds like you don't have any say in the way you live your own life and that's not right.

Original poster
LaLaOrange · 09/09/2018 19:40

I've sent him a link to this thread and he's said the only one who makes a reasonable point is Rookiemere. What a surprise!

OP posts:
BleakBetty · 09/09/2018 19:45

Get the dog. Mine bring me immeasurable joy, ease depression and give me more purpose.

Ensure you have provisions for the dog if you need to work a long day. Have a look on Facebook for local dog walkers and doggy daycares and call them for a chat. Many are far less expensive than you’d think, and most who run these businesses adore dogs and form strong bonds with them.

Wolfiefan · 09/09/2018 19:48

What would you actually need him to do? I was desperate for a dog. DH not fussed. I walk and train and feed and pick up poo and do vet visits and administer meds etc.

We have had stages when the dog chewed a foot so I asked DH to watch her whilst I showered. Or if we are out he holds the lead whilst I go to the loo. But really he has little input.
Re competing for your attention. D dog adores DH. If anyone is pushed out it isn't him. Grin

Jessiemay88 · 09/09/2018 19:49

You cant force a dog on him tho. I dislike dogs..husband wants one when we own a home. Compromise is it has to live in kennel and be an outdoor dog. Can you two maybe compromise like that?

rookiemere · 09/09/2018 19:59

Oops not sure if I want to be the only one your DH agrees with ! But I do think if this is genuinely so important to you then you need to work out scenarios where you're working late or whatever without involving your DH.

For the poster talking about keeping a dog outside - unless its a working dog or husky I don't think that's a suitable arrangement

IndieRar · 09/09/2018 20:02

My DH didn't want a dog but knew I always did. I do everything for her and he does nothing. That was the arrangement.

I asked him to walk her for three days after I gave birth to DS and he grudgingly did but only 20 mins round the block then I did again.

Anyway, he doesn't like her and had I known how much resentment it would bring to our relationship, wouldn't have got her in all honesty (or maybe got a smaller dog).

It also makes my life really difficult if I'm occasionally away at all as I have to arrange kennels as he just doesn't want to look after her when he's got DS too. But she's my dog and I love her.

Having said that, sometimes I catch them having a nuzzle and stroke!

Would you consider an older rescue?

lowtide · 09/09/2018 20:11

WTAF am I reading.
You gave up having children. You want a pet. And you have to ask permission

Musti · 09/09/2018 20:12

If you work from home you'd get so much out of having a dog. But your husband sounds like my uncle. He lived on his own and was made redundant. He looked after our small dog for a little while but didn't want to keep him even though he likes dogs. He just never wanted the resoinsibility of kids or animals. I'm the opposite, had cats that were my babies pre kids, then 4 kids and just when they're becoming more independent I get a dog. So I obviously want to look after something all the time.

CherryCherryCherry · 09/09/2018 20:21

OP-think you need to think what's most important to you and what you are willing to live without. If it's going to be that you're resentful over this then it could destroy your relationship. If you get one and he doesn't want one it will still cause resentment and maybe the same result. If he won't bend then seems to be "it's me or the dog" scenario. It doesn't sound like you spend much quality time with your dh anyway if he's asleep on the couch most nights though! Dogs are good company stress relievers get you out of the house and always love you. We had 2 cats and I got a third a rescue one for dcs. My dh was persuaded but has never let me forget it esp when vets bills come along "I knew I should never have agreed to that third one" so it never goes away. I just ignore him but it's irritating and wearing tbh. (this is even after I have caught him being soppy with the cat in question! )If your dh is the type to hold a grudge then I'd think about it carefully.

Littleblueted · 09/09/2018 20:38

I feel for you. As a childless woman in her late 40's, I crave a dog too. My husband doesn't feel the same way at all. BUT we've reached a compromise. He says as soon as I cut my hours a bit (I work long hours) we can have one but not if it means everything falling into him.
If your husband maintains his stance, I'd be addressing the relationship. I'm sorry, it's not what you want to hear but he can't always have his own way. A relationship is a two way street.

SandyY2K · 09/09/2018 20:47

For me it's about why he doesnt want a dog. If he was scared, allergic or didn't like them...then I'd understand.

His reason is primarily because he wants to be the only one getting your affection.

A dog can't be any competition for a husband surely.

My DH and DD want a dog..DH more than DD .. but he doesnt want the expense it comes with (would want me to fund it) and a few of my family members are petrified of dogs. I don't want them not being able to visit.

Cats are much easier.

adaline · 09/09/2018 20:53

I wouldn't get a dog with someone who doesn't want one regardless of how good or bad the relationship is.

Dogs are a big commitment, especially as puppies. They restrict your days out, they're expensive and take up a lot of time with regards to training, walking, toileting etc.

And how would you manage a dog while you're working full-time, with a husband who doesn't want the dog?

Daycare is expensive and dogs, especially puppies, aren't always suited to it.

GreenTulips · 09/09/2018 21:05

I never asked DH if he wanted a dog - I just 'ordered' one from a friends pregnant dog!

Loves him more than me!

Why even ask if you take the responsibility?

TeacupDrama · 09/09/2018 21:07

maybe he is worried it will restrict life , we can't go out for dinner on friday night straight from work as bonzo has been home all day we have to go home and let him out and walk him then go out, we can't go to x city for the day as we can't leave bonzo for 10 hours and we can;t go to france for the weekend as bonzo doesn't like kennels, while it may be you doing the walking etc it is impacting on him, not necessarily in competing for affection ( that is rubbish) but in that it will start to restrict your life together in a way which was not true previously and in a way that he didn't sign up for

personally you need to talk about it more; perhaps agree that Bonzo must get used to kennels etc that dog bills are not a shared expense

I think like children; the person who does not want a child/ a second /third child or a pet, should not be forced into parenthood or being a parent for 2 or 3 children or into pet ownership both parties need to be on board because it is inevitable that at some point you may be sick or twist an ankle or something that requires him to look after Bonzo as you can't

Jessiemay88 · 09/09/2018 21:41

Maybe you can get some other pet that doesnt have to be inside. Rabbits are cool, or pigmy goats, chickens etc. Or if you have space a shetland pony? Then its not going to be a problem for him

Original poster
LaLaOrange · 09/09/2018 22:19

He's actually just said he doesn't want to set a precedent by giving in to me and letting me have my way. :(

OP posts:
lowtide · 09/09/2018 22:22

And you let him read this thread.

lowtide · 09/09/2018 22:23

WTAF have you done to your own life. You don’t own it.
FYI - this isn’t really to do with a pet

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.