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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

partner changing my sons education

92 replies

Sarah1290 · 06/09/2018 09:21

Over the last year I have with bogged down with starting at university again and working full time . My youngest was In a private and very flexible nursery which suited are needs. He has just turned 3.

Sometime during the last year my partner went about researching into to changing his childcare -unbeknown to me. He choose at that point to send him to a catholic nursary attached to a catholic school (he’s catholic I’m Christian).

Sometime later I found out that not only had he researched the matter the forms had been filled and my son has a start date
I was so angry / upset that he had gone behind my back. Even more that he had done this at a time when I was struggling with appeals for schools for my eldest, which I was left to do on my own. I was promised we could relook at this, but months later I found myself being pushed into a parents evening.

My concern is that I would see my boy less. As the nursery was 5 mornings a week. My partner encouraged me to go to the parents evening stating I could keep my son off when I wanted.

At the parents evening I met the school teachers and the after school provider I was told I should not keep my child off as it is his education. Being told to rethink “ whether I could handle my son going to school a year early”

Well I can’t , I was so upset by the meeting. My partners tactic changed, describing me in pathetic for being upset .

I am a nurse and sometimes work shifts, so for the majority of the time I would never have a full day off with my son. Furthermore the wrap around care is not flexible either.

I have had no other involvement In this and today he has started. I’m from 1pm so won’t see my son for the rest of the day when usually I’d drop him off 12 at the other nursery.

Im upset that I’ve been made to get my son into school a year early . I’ve not researched other schools like I did my eldest , I’ve not had the option. I’ve not been involved in buying his school uniform . All because I was left thinking that I still had a choice

OP posts:
CitySnicker · 06/09/2018 09:36

Why are they sending him to school a year early? Can you just say you would prefer him to stay on for the year at nursery?

subspace · 06/09/2018 09:45

What? How has this happened? I don't understand why you haven't said, no, this doesn't work for me, he will stay in nursery?

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 06/09/2018 09:49

Another one who doesn't understand how this happened? I assume by going to school a year early you mean being at the nursery for the school he will start Reception at?

You do know don't have to send him to that Nursery if you don't want to?

Phosphorus · 06/09/2018 09:53

Was it a financial thing, is the school nursery free?

Does the new arrangement let your partner work more flexibly or something?

Rosemary46 · 06/09/2018 09:55

I’m confused . Is your partner the father of both your children ?

He is the main carer?

Sarah1290 · 06/09/2018 09:57

Sorry I’m not explaining myself clearly because I’m upset . My partner has put him in the nursery attached to a school as he wants him to go to that school next year. I haven’t even started looking into youngest school options as I had thought I had time and was concentrating on my eldest.

I did say “no” but it doesn’t cut it .
When I was initially told I broke down and told him how I felt.
He promised he would rethink things. Then came the parents evening I was encouraged to go.

Then came the blame!!
He is saying that because of uni and work I probably will hardly see my son anyway so what’s the problem.

However prior to this I did have valued time with my son- mainly mornings and the odd full day.

He has also stated that if I did not allow my son to go to this nursery he would probably not get into the school which will affect his whole life.

It’s just been a battle all the way, leading to my son starting today .

OP posts:
liquidrevolution · 06/09/2018 09:58

Your partner was very underhand. Is he throwing his toys out of the pram because you are busy?

I would be questioning the relationship tbh

Sarah1290 · 06/09/2018 09:58

My partners the father of my youngest

OP posts:
Sarah1290 · 06/09/2018 10:00

It’s not the cheaper option , the private nursery was the cheaper option

OP posts:
c3pu · 06/09/2018 10:00

Assuming you both have PR for the child, his education should be a joint responsibility and a joint decision.

It's difficult to tell from your post what discussions have taken place, it sounds like he's just filled out the forms and you've kinda gone along with it despite not being happy?

Sarah1290 · 06/09/2018 10:01

It actually makes his work life harder as I can see it . As this nursery starts later and potentially finishes earlier

OP posts:
liquidrevolution · 06/09/2018 10:01

Saw update.

Your DP is s twatbadger. It won't have any effect on your DC if he doesn't go to the school. There are plenty of other schools. Check the admissions info for the Catholic school. I bet your son also has to attend church as well. Being in the nursery is not a done deal for getting in the school.

Is your DC baptised Catholic? Do you want your DC to be Catholic?

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 06/09/2018 10:02

I don't understand how the Private Nursery was cheaper school Nurseries do not charge?

Sarah1290 · 06/09/2018 10:04

Cp3u
He filled out the forms without my knowledge
Prior to the parents day he told me
There has been numerous arguments , discussions about it but inevitably what he wants will happen and I know this

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 06/09/2018 10:06

If it’s a state school, going to the nursery is unlikely to make any difference to his chances of getting into the school. But I honestly don’t understand how this happened.

Sarah1290 · 06/09/2018 10:07

We get 30 hours free ( government) apparently this is split between the school nursery And the new wrap around care . I did not know school nurseries didn’t charge, be t this nursery is using part of the 30 hours which would also have been used at the other nursery

OP posts:
HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 06/09/2018 10:07

There has been numerous arguments , discussions about it but inevitably what he wants will happen and I know this

Why will what he wants happen, that only works if you let him treat you like a doormat. Hmm I realise that you think you are stuck with him and this decision but that's not the reality. The reality is that you can leave and stand on your own feet and make your own decisions, he doesn't get to be in charge just because he is a man.

LIZS · 06/09/2018 10:08

Unless it is a private school there should be no difference in cost, as both would use free ey hours and no guarantee of a reception place. Who does the childcare atm, why did it default to p to look into options even if you were working. Did you make any alternative proposal?

PatriciaHolm · 06/09/2018 10:10

Is he controlling about other things?

Does he work too?

Why are you letting him make all the decisions?

Rebecca36 · 06/09/2018 10:11

Your partner should not have organised all this behind your back, it is appalling. However, now that it's done and if your son settles down happily there, it might be worth sticking with it in order to get him into the school next year. It is never too early to organise schools for children, some people put their kids' names down from birth!

As time goes on you may find your study/work time is more flexible, thus giving you more time with your little one - and there are the holidays.

I'd be on my guard in case your partner's action sets a precedent though.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 06/09/2018 10:13

some people put their kids' names down from birth!

your right they do but guess what...

it makes no difference what so ever in any state school in this country.

Sarah1290 · 06/09/2018 10:21

Life is difficult at the moment And busy . I have also just got my son ready for high school after the appeals and he started the other day.

I have said no continuously about this school nursery . But I have somehow got to this stage.

We all know the guidelines states going to a school nursery does not affect him getting into the school but my partner is convinced he would.

I am busy , along the way I have had mixed feelings
I have felt guilty for being so busy
I odviously don’t want to ruin his chances of getting into a good school
But I want more time with my son .
I want to be involved in choosing my sons school.

It’s been up a down since the parents evening- with me sticking to my guns and saying no and then questioning whether what my partner was saying was right . Believing that I was being selfish for saying no-

OP posts:
LusaCole · 06/09/2018 10:22

OP, this is terrible. Your partner is acting in a very controlling manner and ignoring your wishes for your son. You are right to be very upset about this.

Oceanbliss · 06/09/2018 10:22

Understandably you are upset. No-one deserves to be treated like this. Try to find a way to calmly explain to your dh that you believe parenting decisions need to be discussed and decided by both of you. Does your husband believe (as part of his religious beliefs) that he is the head of the household and that his wife is to obey him? If so that could be a challenge. Remind him of scriptures that say he is to love his wife as Christ loves the church. Remind him that Christ respects free will including respecting the ability to make decisions. You're ability to be involved in the educational decisions for your son has not been respected, your feelings have been dismissed and you have been called pathetic for expressing your feelings which is not very loving. There is also a Bible verse that says husbands and wives are to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. If he thinks that you are the only one in this relationship that has to be submissive he is very mistaken. Do whatever you need to do to strengthen yourself to be able to speak up for yourself and for your son and be heard and to expect to be treated as an equal in this relationship. Flowers

Joysmum · 06/09/2018 10:24

Is he controlling and overbearing in other ways too?