partner changing my sons education

[Sarah1290]

Over the last year I have with bogged down with starting at university again and working full time . My youngest was In a private and very flexible nursery which suited are needs. He has just turned 3.

Sometime during the last year my partner went about researching into to changing his childcare -unbeknown to me. He choose at that point to send him to a catholic nursary attached to a catholic school (he’s catholic I’m Christian).

Sometime later I found out that not only had he researched the matter the forms had been filled and my son has a start date
I was so angry / upset that he had gone behind my back. Even more that he had done this at a time when I was struggling with appeals for schools for my eldest, which I was left to do on my own. I was promised we could relook at this, but months later I found myself being pushed into a parents evening.

My concern is that I would see my boy less. As the nursery was 5 mornings a week. My partner encouraged me to go to the parents evening stating I could keep my son off when I wanted.

At the parents evening I met the school teachers and the after school provider I was told I should not keep my child off as it is his education. Being told to rethink “ whether I could handle my son going to school a year early”

Well I can’t , I was so upset by the meeting. My partners tactic changed, describing me in pathetic for being upset .

I am a nurse and sometimes work shifts, so for the majority of the time I would never have a full day off with my son. Furthermore the wrap around care is not flexible either.

I have had no other involvement In this and today he has started. I’m from 1pm so won’t see my son for the rest of the day when usually I’d drop him off 12 at the other nursery.

Im upset that I’ve been made to get my son into school a year early . I’ve not researched other schools like I did my eldest , I’ve not had the option. I’ve not been involved in buying his school uniform . All because I was left thinking that I still had a choice

The childcare was by a private nursery we used and still use more than 30 hours a week . However the old childcare had nhsdiscount the wrap around care does not

but inevitably what he wants will happen and I know this

regardless of the nursery situation, this just made me stop short.
I cannot imagine a situation where my opinion over something so important would be over ridden like this.

This is NOT a healthy relationship AT ALL

It is very unreasonable to do anything to change your childcare arrangements without any discussion or your agreement. Whatever the relative merits of private nursery versus school nursery, he should have discussed it with you first and come to a joint agreement. He sounds very controlling.

Yes he is controlling about my youngest .

My parenting skills , what I feed him ,what I do with him- the lot . I can’t sit and do anything with him without feeling like I’m being watched and he’s always questioning me

If you can write "he's Catholic I'm Christian" it suggests a fundamental lack of understanding and communication between the two of you!
You'd have more say over his care if you split, I wonder has your husband thought of that.

Leave. This will not get better.

Why on earth is he there when you don't want him to be?

He is your son too, and this arrangement doesn't suit you.

How can you be so passive about your sons education??

He’s not really controlling about anything else - it’s all about my youngest.

My partner works 6 days a week so this new set up makes it harder for him

I feel like his want for him to go to a good catholic school is overriding my sons need to be around his mother. I have however questioned whether my partner feels my son will be better looked after at this school then he is with me

You need to either stand up to your partner (and he needs to listen to your opinion) or you need to leave him.

DH and I discussed our children’s options for education and made the choice together.

OP I had a situation where my DS's Dad wanted him to move to another primary school, I didn't feel right about the other school, I dug my heels in and he strong armed me into sticking with the change, he made me feel so unreasonable. Now my Son is settled in the new school and I've just dropped him off there for his first day of the year, I'm still so upset I really feel he is in the wrong place and I feel like I didn't have any input in him being there.
If I could go back I'd tell him to shove it and put my DS where I knew he belonged but I wasn't feeling so strong at the time. I know its ott, but I still get tearful about everything he lift behind.

You will never get this year back where you could have spent time together before he started school, but if you leave it long enough for him to settle you wont feel you can go back on it.
This year is NOT 'his education' pre schoolers should be socialising and playing in the mud, not being educated and kept away from their mothers full time.

He’s not really controlling about anything else - it’s all about my youngest.

So he is only controlling about your child... do you not see how completely daft it is that you are trying to make excuses for the fact he isn't very controlling.

You need to start thinking about whether you want any input in your child's future education. You have 2 choices; leave him and take charge of your sons care or passively amble along with what ever lord muck thinks is in his best interests.

Whilst I think he's gone about this the wrong way, I do think it's the best option.

School places are hard to get and it makes sense to put him into the school that will guarantee him a place. There is no compromise with this it would be your way or his way and I think he deserves to win just as much.

The issue IMO is purely the way he has gone about it.

(he’s catholic I’m Christian)

Apart from that, LTB. He's been very sneaky. But why can't you still say NO?

School places are hard to get and it makes sense to put him into the school that will guarantee him a place. There is no compromise with this it would be your way or his way and I think he deserves to win just as much.

It wont guarantee him a place, only in the OP's partners opinion will this make a difference.

@peony it won’t guarantee him a place at the school.

If your DP is controlling then you have a massive issue and you need to stop and take stock.
It sounds as though you're questioning your judgement and he takes advantage of that to push through his agenda. You actually need to work out the non-negotiables for you. And you probably need to consider whether or not this relationship is working because it sounds very unbalanced.

However if you do want your DC to go to that school then they will benefit from attending the attached nursery. My DC have attended two schools with attached nurseries. Only one pupil joined when they made the move to school and it was more difficult for them to integrate because friendship groups between the parents and children were already formed at nursery.

He sounds very controlling.

In my experience of catholic schools, going to nursery doesn't always help get a place in school. You have to be baptised catholic (sometimes within the first 3/6 months of life) and have proven church attendance. So this may not even have his desired outcome.

Is he going to pick up the increase in nursery fees? Is he going to adapt his working hours to the hours of the new nursery? If not, I'd have the conversation again (& think about the repercussions for your relationship).

We all know the guidelines states going to a school nursery does not affect him getting into the school but my partner is convinced he would.

They're not "guidelines", they're criteria which legally have to be followed. Get the admissions criteria for the school and get the stats of who got in last year. Work out what that means for you (you haven't said I don't think if your son is baptised, whether you're regular churchgoers?). There's an awful lot wrong with your whole situation but if your partner is arguing for all this based on a misconception, the sooner that's corrected the better.

I find the whole thing of 'he's only controlling in regards my youngest' a bit odd. Is the child not his too?

Blooming religion - nowt but trouble.

I love the "he is catholic and I am a Christian!" Whatever he is, he is behaving appallingly.

He doesn't sound like much of a "partner" TBH.

I assume your child is one year below reception? Then in any event you need to be looking to apply for his reception place over the coming months. Your local authority should have just published a booklet on your website on this. In your shoes I would read this ASAP to make sure you don't end up being outsmarted due to lack of info. This booklet will make clear the admissions criteria for over subscription - if nursery attendance is not in it then they cannot take it into account.

inevitably what he wants will happen
So basically you’re going to let him do whatever he wants with your child, even if you feel it isn’t for the best? Sorry OP but you should be standing up for your child’s best interests and protecting him from his father, who sounds like a bully who wants all of his own way. Why are you even in a relationship with a man who clearly bullies you? Any man who took away my child wouldn’t even get spat on, never mind allowed to sleep in my bed and call himself my partner. Assert your parental rights and take your child out of the school if you aren’t happy with it.

Can someone please explain why it is so amusing to write that he is Catholic and OP is a Christian?

As far as I am aware all Catholics are Christians, but not all Christians are Catholics.... 🤔

Hi OP,
Firstly, I advise you to look on line at the admissions criteria for the school. If you and/or your partner want your child to go to that school, you need to look at how you meet the criteria.

On a purely practical level, it might be nice IF you want that school, if your child has attended pre school there, as many of his friends will also be moving up to the school.

Your child does not reach CSA (Compulsory School Age) until the term after his 5th birthday. Until that time you are perfectly within your right to keep him off when you want to. The school may not be happy, but it is your right. I wonder, therefore, if you can agree with your partner that where you have a morning free at home, you keep your child off pre school and have focused time with him?

The bigger issue is control. "Only" controlling your child is a nonsense - in controlling what happens with your child he is, of course, controlling you. Only you can decide if you are willing to accept that. Just bear in mind, if you do, that your children will grow up thinking that this is normal and are likely to emulate these dynamics in their own adult relationships.

Tawny because the way the OP phrased it suggests that they don't think Catholics are Christian.