partner changing my sons education

[Sarah1290]

Over the last year I have with bogged down with starting at university again and working full time . My youngest was In a private and very flexible nursery which suited are needs. He has just turned 3.

Sometime during the last year my partner went about researching into to changing his childcare -unbeknown to me. He choose at that point to send him to a catholic nursary attached to a catholic school (he’s catholic I’m Christian).

Sometime later I found out that not only had he researched the matter the forms had been filled and my son has a start date
I was so angry / upset that he had gone behind my back. Even more that he had done this at a time when I was struggling with appeals for schools for my eldest, which I was left to do on my own. I was promised we could relook at this, but months later I found myself being pushed into a parents evening.

My concern is that I would see my boy less. As the nursery was 5 mornings a week. My partner encouraged me to go to the parents evening stating I could keep my son off when I wanted.

At the parents evening I met the school teachers and the after school provider I was told I should not keep my child off as it is his education. Being told to rethink “ whether I could handle my son going to school a year early”

Well I can’t , I was so upset by the meeting. My partners tactic changed, describing me in pathetic for being upset .

I am a nurse and sometimes work shifts, so for the majority of the time I would never have a full day off with my son. Furthermore the wrap around care is not flexible either.

I have had no other involvement In this and today he has started. I’m from 1pm so won’t see my son for the rest of the day when usually I’d drop him off 12 at the other nursery.

Im upset that I’ve been made to get my son into school a year early . I’ve not researched other schools like I did my eldest , I’ve not had the option. I’ve not been involved in buying his school uniform . All because I was left thinking that I still had a choice

This isn’t about what nursery/school is best for your child, it’s about him going behind your back and being controlling. I can understand why you are angry and upset, this man sounds horrible and he has no respect for your view. Get out while you can and find a bloody good solicited because he sounds like the type that will fight to take your son off you.

I would be upset too. It should be a joint discussion AND agreement about your child's future education. He should not have done any of this without your permission, and I am sure the form require both parents signatures too...so how has he managed to do this without forging your signature?

It is appalling.

I would suspend all visits and all conversations until you have set aside time with the children being looked after and sit down and have this out with him. You must not be bullied into agreeing to this.

You need to decide firstly what you do want for your child. Put together your reasons and decision process and then put it to him. He will counter with his reasons, but this is your child too and you will both need to find a school you agree on, and the right time for your child to go.

You are busy, and he is taking full advantage of your distractions to make life changing decisions for your child without you. This would dent the trust and confidence in my relationship to be honest. This is not on at all.

Get out while you can and find a bloody good solicited because he sounds like the type that will fight to take your son off you.
I have to say that reading this thread and the OPs comments regarding how it would make his working life harder, I did wonder if he was trying to set himself up as the main carer for the child. Whether that's because he wants to leave or change something within his working life or wants something to change with the OP I'm not sure.

The other thing that's gone through my mind is that he's done this while the OP has been concentrating on a fight for her eldest. Which makes sense as there wasn't anything wrong with the old set up. How is he with your eldest OP? I wonder if he thinks you should concentrate more on your youngest than the eldest and this may be some way to punish you.

Hi again, OP.
Are you aware of the term coercive control? If you are evaluating your relationship, you might want to look this up as a reference point.

If you feel that you are in a situation of coercive control, be aware that it is a recognised form of domestic abuse. Couples counselling doesn't work in these situations as the abuser tends to make it all about himself or herself. But Domestic Abuse agencies can and will support you in that situation.

I don't know your relationship - just offering thoughts.

OP- have a look at this and see if anything chimes..

The Freedom Programme

The joke being that saying he is catholic and she is christian implies that he is not christian - and in the context of his devious behaviour this seems somewhat apt.

I find it more odd that he’s supposedly Catholic but has had a child out of wedlock. Obviously only Catholic when it suits him!

Read this and immediately thought of David Copperfield. I think that if a Victorian male writter thought this was abusive 150 years ago., then its abusive.

OP things have changed. You have a career, options and rights, use them in the best interests of your children. First step seek help as advised above. Make the first step and things will be better.

In the distance past going to the nursery helped with transfer and often used to be listed as criteria so suspect your P believes it is the case. However due to "fairness" on admission it can no longer be the criteria as the schools have to provide a place against their published criteria. They are so many myths around school admissions however so guess he believes it.

As others say, it can help with starting school if the child is in the nursery as often they have links with the school.

However not involving you is out of order.Clearly he feels strongly about schools however a good relationship requires openness.

As others say you don't have to put him in everyday..you could let them know the pattern and they are likely to be happy with that.

Dealing with your partner, usually mum is involved in most decisions however there can be issues if both parents feel they are the primary parent. If this is otherwise a good relationship and the only area is parenting I think you might be able to resolve through talking. If he is dismissive of your feelings then you have a partner issue.

Change of name & schooling are 2 areas that parents cannot make sole decisions so you have the ability to challenge this..the point to make to him is that he can't force the decision and it is underhand of him to go about it the way he did.

Looking back over the comments now with better head space.

I don’t think I can easily forgive my partner for what’s happen. More so that he is trying to convince me that it was my idea in the 1st place. Which is just laughable - I actually said in passing when looking at the school I wanted my eldest to go to that it had a catholic primary school nearby which said outstanding outside.

This is no where near this school.

This school he is being sent to is connected to the church my partner attends . That to me is the ultimate reason he wants him to go there . He hasn’t done any other research.

This means more to him then my opinions and time with his mother .

I’ve had it up to here with how he questions my abilities with my youngest - this started off from day dot . Breast feeding was the first problem . 💯 he thinks his parenting abilities are number one .

He is however a good dad to both. Doesn’t drink out regularly , doesn’t beat, doesn’t cheat - he reminds me of this regularly, he odviously thinks I’m lucky .

Anyway I will have to stick with the school nursary and keep him off when I want!

It has a good ofsted for the school but so do other schools nearby. I will not let it happen where it feels like I haven’t got the option to do my own research when the time comes. Hopefully my youngest doesn’t get too attached and WE are able to make that choice .

In terms of ME and HIM, I don’t seem to be able to forgive anyone that does me wrong by my children .

That fact that he doesn't drink out regularly, beat or cheat on you is not enough to make you "lucky" to have him.

He sounds like an arse.

@Sarah1290 I know you've commented on this already but it's very telling to me that you constantly so "my youngest" instead of "our child." Do you feel you are actually in a partnership with this man?

Doesn’t drink out regularly , doesn’t beat, doesn’t cheat - he reminds me of this regularly, he odviously thinks I’m lucky .
If that's what he thinks makes you lucky then you'll never believe your luck - there's plenty of those fish in the sea.

He is however a good dad to both. Doesn’t drink out regularly , doesn’t beat, doesn’t cheat - he reminds me of this regularly, he odviously thinks I’m lucky

The mark of a good father surely isn’t that he doesn’t do negative things and that your first thoughts would be of all the positive things that he does above that of the average father. What does he actually do that makes him a good father?

More so that he is trying to convince me that it was my idea in the 1st place

That's Gaslighting, he is not able to take any responsibility for his actions so has to blame you. Let me guess, when you met him you thought you had hit the jackpot, as he seemed perfect...all changed once you were commited??
I am sorry you are living this..in my situation I am not sure Ex can live with anyone as he has to have things his way. It suits him to be a part time single dad as he gets all the control over dc when he has them.

Remind your partner that he cannot legally put your son into a school without your explicit agreement. However if you are having to threaten legal action to keep fairness in your relationship it suggests it's over!

lifebegins50 that simply isn't true.
I can't say exactly for pre school, but anyone with PR can apply for a place at school for their child. Equally, anyone with PR can de-register a child. Either parent can go to court for a Specific Issues Order to have their preference enforced by the Family Court, after which the court ruling is the final say.

Yes, strictly you can do it but you are supposed to seek approval from all those with parental responsibility for major decisions and schools fall into this category. If not it is viewed as acting "unilaterally" and courts take a dim view of this.
"Parental responsibility is a parent’s duty to secure the welfare of their child, which is to be exercised for the benefit of the child. Each parent that has parental responsibility can make decisions in relation to the welfare of the child alone or together. From a practical point of view, it is necessary for one parent to be able to make decisions unilaterally, for example, in relation to matters such as providing authority for medical treatment to be carried out in an emergency.

However, there are certain decisions in a child’s life that cannot be made without the agreement of each parent that has parental responsibility. Such decisions include changing the child’s name or changing the child’s school.If the parents dispute schools then the decision is handed over to the courts".