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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I imagining this?

87 replies

onemoresmartie · 03/09/2018 09:54

Me and OH we're out on Saturday night and were quite drunk but I remember most things that happened ie conversations, walking home etc

I looked on my online banking this morning and there are 2 separate transactions on my bank account to him totalling £150!

I woke him up and asked him wtf it was? And he said oh yeah don't you remember you asking me to play online roulette on Saturday night?

I said no I don't remember doing that and he said he was upset about it?

He does gamble every now and again...I'm not happy at all and the fact he didn't mention it at all yesterday and I only knew about it when I checked my account this morning

Don't know what to do 😩

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 03/09/2018 09:57

He’s gaslighting you. If you were just ‘quite drunk’ rather than vomiting/blackout levels then you would have remembered wasting loads of your money. He’s stolen from you. He’s the gambler.

MrsMozart · 03/09/2018 09:57

I think you'd have remembered spending £150...

Does he have access to your account?

AtrociousCircumstance · 03/09/2018 09:57

How long have you been together? If I were you I wouldn’t get drunk with him again.

Original poster

onemoresmartie · 03/09/2018 10:01

We have been together a couple of years
My banking is finger print access so no way of him doing it?
I feel sick at the thought of it because I would never have agreed to that

OP posts:

Addictedtoshoes · 03/09/2018 10:05

What time were the transactions? Could he have used your finger to access it while you were asleep?

Onedayy · 03/09/2018 10:08

When would that have been? After you got home? Have you ever said yes before?

Original poster

onemoresmartie · 03/09/2018 10:08

It doesn't tell me the times on my statement 😞 when I woke up I couldn't find my phone anywhere tho and then it appeared in the bedroom when I had come back from the bathroom

It just doesn't add up

OP posts:

TheMythicalChicken · 03/09/2018 10:08

My banking is finger print access so no way of him doing it?

Several MN'ers have accessed their DP's phones using their finger whilst they're asleep, so that's possible.

On the other hand, I got drunk a few years ago with DH, I remember most things about the evening, except... we met a horse on the way home and I have absolutely no recollection of this. A horse. How can you forget something like that, but remember the rest of the evening?

Put it behind you and just be extra cautious in future.

picklepost · 03/09/2018 10:14

You'll never know fir suee what hapoebed but can you at least ask him to pay you back? I mean why on earth would you be financing his gambling?

Failing that I cannot actually see a compromise.

playinthedarkness · 03/09/2018 10:21

Contact the bank and ask them what time the transaction was then you might have an answer.

Original poster

onemoresmartie · 03/09/2018 10:22

I don't know what time I went to sleep at tho so it still won't really explain?
His reaction this morning was worrying as well

OP posts:

MrsMozart · 03/09/2018 10:27

What was his reaction?

What do you think happened? If you think he used your finger to access your account then the relationship already has issues.

dingodon · 03/09/2018 10:28

He has stolen from you. Do you really need someone like that in your life?

Onedayy · 03/09/2018 10:30

Will he give you the money back?

Shoxfordian · 03/09/2018 10:35

Do you think he would basically steal from you?

Addictedtoshoes · 03/09/2018 10:36

I’ve been through hell with a lying parntner these past couple of weeks. It’s horrifying the extent addicts go to. I’m hurting like I’ve never hurt before but I know in a few months time I’ll feel more like the old me, not worrying about him all the time and will be able to rebuild my life. I look back and realise that he’s changed me as a person and I’ll probably never be able to trust anybody again but you know what, I don’t regret throwing him out. Life is far too short to waste it on addicts. You need to look after number 1. If he’s done this there are probably lots of other things you’ve not yet found out about. Question him, if you don’t believe his responses then work out how you free yourself from him.

Original poster

onemoresmartie · 03/09/2018 10:36

He was very sketchy and laughed it off saying we should never get drunk again?
I was horrified and said it didn't add up ?

Do you think I should send him a message asking for it back? I have no proof that it wasn't me that wanted to gamble? Although I would and have never done it before

OP posts:

another20 · 03/09/2018 10:38

He was upset!!!

Gambling addict, thief, liar, gas-lighter, abuser.

If he has had to resort to this he must have exhausted all other revenue streams and there will be massive debt somewhere.

Don’t minimise his gambling, he is hiding it - it will be significant. I would look back thru everything with a fine tooth comb. Could he have taken out loans against your home or sold some property? Do you have savings or investments together that he could have accessed?

Think you may have a a big issue here. How is the rest of your relationship - is it worth fighting for ? Is there any trust?

another20 · 03/09/2018 10:47

Your last post says it all.
You know in your gut that you would never have asked to do this no matter how drunk.

But you also know that he gambles.

It is really very simple - you feel confused because he is lying to you and gaslighting you.

Ask for it back - you wont get it tho because he doesn’t have any money because he had steal yours.

It’s the beginning of the month - he should be in credit - clearly isn’t - things are much worse than you think.

Once you get yourself out of the fog of gaslighting he has created to disorientate you - take some action.

Musti · 03/09/2018 10:54

You may have agreed when you were drunk but he knows you don't gamble.

Ask for your money back and then assess your relationship and think whether you'd want to continue being with him.

Original poster

onemoresmartie · 03/09/2018 11:10

So many things just don't add up. He is definitely gambling a lot when I analyse the past couple of weeks he hardly has any money, he's been miserable
I will ask him for it back and stay calm until Friday when he is paid and see if he does the right thing

There's nothing else I can do 😔

OP posts:

loveyoutothemoon · 03/09/2018 11:13

You would have remembered, and like you said you aren't a gambler so very unlikely anyway.

Ask for the money back, and then decide if you want to carry a relationship with a lying gambler!

Onedayy · 03/09/2018 11:19

It will be interesting to see if you get the money back

Ellapaella · 03/09/2018 11:38

He has stolen from you by the sounds of it. I think he's used your finer print while you were asleep. Honestly if it were me I'd be telling him that I needed it back and that £150 was not an amount I could afford to give away and if I was too drunk to remember it I was too drunk to actually consent to it. If his version of events is true he should still be offering to repay you ASAP!!

Shoxfordian · 03/09/2018 11:40

You can dump him
Don't stay with a man who would steal from you

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