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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he trying to control me?

84 replies

PugglesMuggles · 01/09/2018 18:35

DP has on occasion been critical of me in the past and is a very opinionated person in general. ReceNtly he has really upped the anti with the latest incident being last night. When we have sex, he tells me what to do quite a lot and it is always him that calls the shots with regards to what position we try etc. He isn’t nasty when he does it but I do feel like he enjoys bossing me around.

After we had sex yesterday he asked me if I ever noticed that sometimes he loses his erection slightly. He said he’s spoken to his friends about it as he is wasn’t sure why he can’t stay completely hard with me. It’s not something that I’ve ever noticed before but the way he was talking has made me feel inadequate and as though maybe I’m not attractive enough. He also made a comment about me being quite vocal in bed and said in a patronising way: “it’s a turn on for me but some men really don’t like that you know.”

Other comments he’s made recently are that he doesn’t like it when I wear heels as it makes me the same height as him (apparently it makes him feel like less of a man as he prefers the woman to be smaller). He often starts sentences with: “you’re the only woman I know who...” and then will pay a backhanded compliment. I just feel like he’s comparing me to someone else or that he feels I’m not good enough for him.

We have only been together 6 months but he is pushing for us to try for a baby (I’ve said definitely not as it’s too soon) but it comes up every time I see him. It feels weird that he is so desperate for me to get pregnant and it’s making me uncomfortable.

Wise mumsnetters, what is going on with this man? Is he trying to control me or am
I being insecure?

OP posts:
waxy1 · 01/09/2018 18:37

Can you get a partner that you like, instead?

lanbro · 01/09/2018 18:38

Run

BlindedByYourGrey · 01/09/2018 18:38

Run a mile. It’ll get worse.

Original poster
PugglesMuggles · 01/09/2018 18:39

waxy Erm I do like him. I’m just not sure if his behaviour is controlling or if I’m being insecure.

OP posts:
waxy1 · 01/09/2018 18:41

He wants you to be insecure.

Musti · 01/09/2018 18:41

He sounds extremely insecure, controlling, critical and projecting. Seriously it's only going to get worse.

NotTheFordType · 01/09/2018 18:41

Why do you like him when he acts like such a cunt to you?

OF COURSE his behaviour is controlling. What did you learn about relationships from your mum and dad?

NoSuchThingAsAlpha · 01/09/2018 18:44

He keeps pushing the baby issue even though you've said you're nowhere near ready. He's ignoring your boundaries, and it will only get worse. I'm afraid he's not the one for you.

MattBerrysHair · 01/09/2018 18:47

Soooo many red flags! At 6 months in he should on his very best behaviour still. He should be complimentary and respectful at all times and certainly not critical of things that actually mean fuck all (who cares if you wear heels???) If he is this controlling now I shudder to think how he will be in 2 years time once he feels comfortable enough not to hide his more negative traits.

MattBerrysHair · 01/09/2018 18:49

BTW, you are not insecure. Your self-esteem and confidence are being chipped away little by little by his constant criticisms and put downs. You are second guessing yourself when actually you should be incredulous that he dare be so disrespectful. And he wants to impregnate you! Talk about trapped if that ever happens.....

wafflyversatile · 01/09/2018 18:50

Run. Run. 1000 x run.

sparklepops123 · 01/09/2018 18:51

Yup I agree run for the hills

MrsMozart · 01/09/2018 18:55

Exit stage left lass.

He's controlling and insulting. And who the heck talks about what other men like or don't like? It's a very bizarre thing to say.

colditz · 01/09/2018 18:58

It's called negging, what he's doing to you with regards to the comments.

Insecure men like to do it. The theory behind it is that it will lower your own "value" in your own eyes, and therefore raise his by comparison in your eyes. You will start to see him as a catch because, he thinks, you won't see yourself as one.

I have never, ever in my life met a man who finds a vocal woman to be a turn off in bed. He loses his erection because he's suffering erectile dysfunction, not because of you. It's nicer for him to make you take the blame though. Then he can make you feel like shit, reduce your own perceived 'value' and not go and speak to his doctor about his penis! Win-win!

He wants you to be pregnant because (again) he's insecure and he thinks you cannot leave him if you have a baby by him. He's literally trying, desperately, to trap you. He's terrified of you realising that you are too good for him.

Please do no get pregnant. He would consider you collared like a dog.

Spaghettijumper · 01/09/2018 18:59

He is a text book abuser. It'll get worse. DO NOT stay with him.

TastelesslyDone · 01/09/2018 19:01

Like in Poltergeist:

get out

DPotter · 01/09/2018 19:02

Take off those high hell shoes and run.......

Original poster
PugglesMuggles · 01/09/2018 19:10

NotTheFord My childhood was extremely abusive and I ended up in foster care. I’ve had a lot of therapy over the years as I’ve always struggled in relationships.

OP posts:
colditz · 01/09/2018 19:12

OP, I suspected as much. It's easier to abuse people who have already been abused. It took a long time for me to set my boundaries to normal and mumsnet helped a lot in that regard, having a group of women shouting "Are you fucking mental, he's abusing you!" did actually help me to get rid of my ex abuser

MessyBun247 · 01/09/2018 19:15

He’s a dick and will never change. He wants to trap you with a baby. Get out now and don’t look back. He’s messing with your head so much already.

Penfold007 · 01/09/2018 19:16

He’s grooming you. Please run for the hills

Aprilshowersinaugust · 01/09/2018 19:17

Please plot your retreat tonight.

Doingreat · 01/09/2018 19:19

You need to leave this controlling man. He will reduce you to an empty shell of your current self. There's so many red flags here. Men like him don't change except for the worse. He is already making you question your judgement. You need to get rid of him. No explanation is necessary as he will just argue and try to draw you back in. Simply message him to say it's not working for you.

ElspethFlashman · 01/09/2018 19:19

It's NEGGING.

He's grooming you. You will be destroyed if you keep seeing him.

Oh and he's a cunt in general. Why do you like someone who doesn't actually like you back?

Cos he doesn't like you. At all. Unlikely he could ever like a woman.

HollowTalk · 01/09/2018 19:21

You don't love him. You don't like him. You are in thrall to him, where you are accepting this abuse as normal and your own response as abnormal.

Honestly, you have told us about several massive red flags, all of which will lead at the very least to you losing every scrap of self-esteem.

Please take our word for it. This man is really awful and you must get away.