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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he trying to control me?

84 replies

PugglesMuggles · 01/09/2018 18:35

DP has on occasion been critical of me in the past and is a very opinionated person in general. ReceNtly he has really upped the anti with the latest incident being last night. When we have sex, he tells me what to do quite a lot and it is always him that calls the shots with regards to what position we try etc. He isn’t nasty when he does it but I do feel like he enjoys bossing me around.

After we had sex yesterday he asked me if I ever noticed that sometimes he loses his erection slightly. He said he’s spoken to his friends about it as he is wasn’t sure why he can’t stay completely hard with me. It’s not something that I’ve ever noticed before but the way he was talking has made me feel inadequate and as though maybe I’m not attractive enough. He also made a comment about me being quite vocal in bed and said in a patronising way: “it’s a turn on for me but some men really don’t like that you know.”

Other comments he’s made recently are that he doesn’t like it when I wear heels as it makes me the same height as him (apparently it makes him feel like less of a man as he prefers the woman to be smaller). He often starts sentences with: “you’re the only woman I know who...” and then will pay a backhanded compliment. I just feel like he’s comparing me to someone else or that he feels I’m not good enough for him.

We have only been together 6 months but he is pushing for us to try for a baby (I’ve said definitely not as it’s too soon) but it comes up every time I see him. It feels weird that he is so desperate for me to get pregnant and it’s making me uncomfortable.

Wise mumsnetters, what is going on with this man? Is he trying to control me or am
I being insecure?

OP posts:
Alwayscommuting · 01/09/2018 19:21

He is being horrible and controlling. 6 months in and he wants a baby, that's a huge red flag never mind all the rest. I think you should seriously consider calling it a day.

ElspethFlashman · 01/09/2018 19:22

Honestly are you this desperate for a man?

I'm not being rude but who would put up with this contempt for even 6 months?

Whocansay · 01/09/2018 19:25

What they all said. You have enough red flags there to make some excellent bunting.

Run like fuck. He's horrible.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 01/09/2018 19:26

I think the behaviour you describe us controlling.

I believe that if you stay with him this will get worse. You will lose yourself.

6 months in and you're already doubting yourself. That's scary.

He wants a baby. You don't yet. So your not on the same page about aassibely important decision.

I can well believe you like him. He's still using his charm to reel you in. Do not be fooled.

Run. Run. Run.
Oh and block him from contacting you after you've dumped him.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 01/09/2018 19:28
  • you're
  • massively important
thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 01/09/2018 19:31

I agree with PPs that he’s negging and to ltb.

He can’t keep hard and he blames you? I’d tell him it’s most likely his age or he’s too used to his own Death Grip (they get so used to wanking that they can’t get used to how an actual woman feels)/Unrealistic Porn Ideas combo.

Then strut into the sunset and leave the loser eating your dust.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 01/09/2018 19:34

And you're only six months in?

Remember that a common control strategy is to keep a woman pregnant. Don't fall for it. Get out right now. He's an arsehole.

fiercelikefrida · 01/09/2018 19:49

He'll chip away at your self esteem and trap you with a baby. Run don't walk.

Degustibusnonestdisputandem1 · 01/09/2018 19:50

Christ on a bike, run, run like the wind! So many red flags here....

RabbitsAreTasty · 01/09/2018 19:53

Get rid.

SandyY2K · 01/09/2018 19:57

"it’s a turn on for me but some men really don’t like that you know.”
Tell him you've not had previous lovers complain about it.

Then dump him

He's trying to make you feel insecure.
Get rid pronto.

Irinn · 01/09/2018 20:05

6 months and he wants a baby? are you married for 6 months?

This impotent is already trying to make you feel bad about yourself in bed (what can be worse?!) and telling you what to wear. It will be just worse, Ive already had that. You might be filled with emotions, in love and so on, but when you'll end up with him and with baby, he will destroy you emotionally totally.

Try to tell him that he is the first guy who is loosing his erection with you and probably its better for him to visit a doctor as you are very concerned about his health. And see what he will say on that))

Shoxfordian · 01/09/2018 20:07

Run away now

HollowTalk · 01/09/2018 20:15

I'd bet my life that he's not telling his friends that he loses his erection.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/09/2018 20:21

Your abusive childhood has played a huge role here in you being with this person at all and you've been well and truly targeted by him.

You're further being groomed by this person to abuse and he is negging you as well. You need to end this so called relationship now before he really and truly destroys you from the inside out.

Enrol yourself too on the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid; it will also help you establish healthier and safer boundaries in future relationships.

Fluffychickenmonkey · 01/09/2018 20:24

Controlling and abusive. He want you to feel insecure. Dump and run.

Apileofballyhoo · 01/09/2018 20:26

Run. And do that course people recommend on here. Freedom course?

Mrsramsayscat · 01/09/2018 20:31

Run!

Lookatyourwatchnow · 01/09/2018 20:31

Neg neg neg. He is so textbook. You're only 6 months in, extract yourself immediately! He's a cunt, and I promise he will get worse if you stay with him.

Musti · 01/09/2018 22:58

Yeah, no man is ever going to tell his friends that he can't keep an erection

Guiltypleasures001 · 01/09/2018 23:10

Hope your not just using condoms with him op , he might mess with the condoms etc

Yeah he's a text book a abuser many of us have been with them or married to.
As the great Amy Winehouse said ' he sniffed you out like you was takeaway"

Predator and prey like in the animal kingdom your the prey

thenightsky · 01/09/2018 23:16

Try to tell him that he is the first guy who is loosing his erection with you and probably its better for him to visit a doctor as you are very concerned about his health. And see what he will say on that

This!

Maelstrop · 01/09/2018 23:26

He’s not very nice, is he? Constant negging to make him feel superior. He’d be a terrible father.

Original poster
PugglesMuggles · 01/09/2018 23:26

Thank you all very much for the advice. I know what I need to do, he needs to go and I will end things. I apologise for drip feeding but something awful happened to me a few weeks ago (don’t want to say what as it’s too outing) which has made me quite vulnerable and I think my boyfriend is playing on this. When I’ve tried to stand up to him when he’s been horrible his stock response is: “you’re behaving like this cos of what happened, you’re not thinking straight and you’re just taking it out on me.” He is always trying to manipulate me and I’ve had enough now.

OP posts:
HoveringHobbit · 01/09/2018 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.