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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he trying to control me?

84 replies

PugglesMuggles · 01/09/2018 18:35

DP has on occasion been critical of me in the past and is a very opinionated person in general. ReceNtly he has really upped the anti with the latest incident being last night. When we have sex, he tells me what to do quite a lot and it is always him that calls the shots with regards to what position we try etc. He isn’t nasty when he does it but I do feel like he enjoys bossing me around.

After we had sex yesterday he asked me if I ever noticed that sometimes he loses his erection slightly. He said he’s spoken to his friends about it as he is wasn’t sure why he can’t stay completely hard with me. It’s not something that I’ve ever noticed before but the way he was talking has made me feel inadequate and as though maybe I’m not attractive enough. He also made a comment about me being quite vocal in bed and said in a patronising way: “it’s a turn on for me but some men really don’t like that you know.”

Other comments he’s made recently are that he doesn’t like it when I wear heels as it makes me the same height as him (apparently it makes him feel like less of a man as he prefers the woman to be smaller). He often starts sentences with: “you’re the only woman I know who...” and then will pay a backhanded compliment. I just feel like he’s comparing me to someone else or that he feels I’m not good enough for him.

We have only been together 6 months but he is pushing for us to try for a baby (I’ve said definitely not as it’s too soon) but it comes up every time I see him. It feels weird that he is so desperate for me to get pregnant and it’s making me uncomfortable.

Wise mumsnetters, what is going on with this man? Is he trying to control me or am
I being insecure?

OP posts:
LindseyKola · 01/09/2018 23:57

Guiltypleasures001 it’s “And sniffed me out like I was Tanqueray” not “he sniffed you out like you was takeaway” 😂😂😂

OP, listen to colditz. Sadly, they nailed it.

RamblinRosie · 02/09/2018 00:52

RUN!!!

6 months in you should be all loved up, concentrating on enjoying each other. Certainly not talking about babies!

Sex should be fun and all about mutual gratification, he should be concentrating on what you enjoy, he’s a selfish git, (I’m sure you concentrate on him).

If he’s discussed his erectile problems with his friends, what does he say they have said? And who said what? Maybe you could also ask their advice.... (tongue in cheek).

Heels, ha! I’m marginally taller than DH, he loves it when I wear heels (rarely, ‘cos I’m an old git with weak ankles) but he says it makes my legs look longer and that I look even more elegant.

He always wants me to feel good, and that’s after 35 years.

Would he

  • Bring you a Lemsip and mix with honey if you had a sore throat?
  • Go searching for rehydration mix at 9pm in a foreign city, when you have really bad food poisoning. After putting you to bed, cleaning you up and making sure you had a bin to hand?
  • Iron your holiday clothes, because your train was delayed the night before your holiday?
  • Buy you a cheap bar of chocolate just because he knew you liked it?
  • Cook dinner every day for a month, when you’ve just come out of hospital?

Relationships that last aren’t about passion, that’s part of it, but the most important thing is kindness, which is an essential part of love.

Your P lacks kindness. This is no kind of relationship

Mrstobe90 · 02/09/2018 00:57

I'm glad you've realised that his behaviour is wrong.
You said that he makes you feel like you're not good enough. No one should ever make you feel like that.

Find someone who thinks that the sun shines out of your behind!
There are so many nice guys out there but you won't find them if you're with this douche.

Whatnow121 · 02/09/2018 05:50

Run

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 02/09/2018 07:01

@PugglesMuggles I'm really glad you are going to end it.

If he's already trying to gaslight you (telling you your thoughts and feelings are wrong because of what happened recently) then it may be wise to do some prep before you get rid.

Does he have keys? Change the locks.
Has he left anything at yours? Box up everything ready to give / send back in one go - don't allow him to drag it out.
If you want to tell him in person then see if a friend can be with you at the time.
Prepare a "don't contact me through any means message" so if he tries to harass you it will be easier to call the police.

Good luck with the dumping.

I hope you are getting support for the recent event. If not, please consider counselling.

And the freedom program (face to face or online) would help you recognise red flags in future and define boundaries to keep you safe.

Thebluedog · 02/09/2018 07:07

You should still be in the honeymoon period, 6 months is no time at all. If you’re feeling like this now, when it should be all romance and roses, imagine how you’ll feel years down the line.

RUN!

sparklepops123 · 02/09/2018 07:55

Good for you 💐

NadiaLeon · 02/09/2018 07:58

He sounds awful. I hope you value yourself more than this OP

Baumederose · 02/09/2018 08:01

Good call. Run for the hills and don't look back.

Riojasmooth · 02/09/2018 08:11

Puggles I'm so glad you want to get rid. If you are not strong now this "man" will turn you into a quivering, nervous wreck.
Be tough and be final. You don't need this and deserve so much more.

DrMorbius · 02/09/2018 08:19

Run.
When we have sex, he tells me what to do quite a lot and it is always him that calls the shots with regards to what position we try etc. He isn’t nasty when he does it but I do feel like he enjoys bossing me around two things stick out here Op. Firstly he does enjoy the power of bossing you around, especially in a sexual context. Secondly he gets his own living porn doll.

Singlenotsingle · 02/09/2018 08:19

He wants you barefoot and pregnant. So much easier to control you! Get out now.

eddielizzard · 02/09/2018 08:21

LTB. You deserve better Flowers

InezGraves · 02/09/2018 08:24

guiltypleasures ‘sniff me out like I was takeaway’ Grin Grin Grin

OP, delighted you’ve decided to end it. Don’t let him try to convince you that its some kind of side-effect of whatever traumatic thing happened to you recently. Get out ASAP and be kind to yourself.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 02/09/2018 08:27

Ditch him.

Be prepared for him to try every manipulative trick in the book to try and get you to change your mind. If he has keys to your place then change the locks. Block him on all social media. If he makes any threats then log them with 101 so that they can put a flag on your address - and no, I'm not joking.

Men like this can be very dangerous. Don't feel like you are overreacting because you aren't. Your intuition is telling you that something is wrong - listen to it.

Autumnfairy82 · 02/09/2018 08:34

My friend went through this. We told her to get out, she didn’t and it got worse. He was very controlling, critical and manipulative towards her.
I’d get out now OP and find a man who is worth it. Please don’t sit there thinking it’ll get better.

Inexperiencedchick · 02/09/2018 08:52

Another one to say Run!

Just got out from someone like your BF. He did exactly as MNs said chipping my confidence and self esteem bit by bit.

Please get out now!

Original poster
PugglesMuggles · 02/09/2018 10:41

I’m going to end things with him today. In all honesty I’m quite scared at what his reaction will be as recently when I’ve asked him not to speak to me in a certain way he has instantly got extremely angry and shouted at me, calling me a vindictive nasty bitch.

He doesn’t live with me and doesn’t have a spare key but he does have some clothes at my house. I’m going to ask for a friend to be with me today to hand these over to him.

Thank you again for all of the advice, it really has helped so much. Furious at myself for getting involved with such an awful man Sad

OP posts:
13Crows · 02/09/2018 10:44

Good luck and stay strong, you are doing the right thing.

Doingreat · 02/09/2018 10:45

You don't need to speak to him op to end things. Or see him if you think he will get nasty. You can text to say it's not working for you. Though if it was me I would be tempted to say I'm ending it as he's crap in bed and can't stay hard. That should do wonders for his confidence. But I'm just petty and you sound wonderful.

sexnotgender · 02/09/2018 10:52

Please don’t be alone when he picks his stuff up.

You’re absolutely doing the right thing!

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 02/09/2018 10:56

Hi OP. I'm really glad you've asked your friend to be with you when he comes over to pick his stuff up. Try to dump him by text so you don't have to engage with him. Be polite but firm. Tell him he can come and collect his stuff at a certain time (when your friend is there) and hand over the stuff on the doorstep, he doesn't have to come in. If he so much as raises his voice - call the police. Show him you mean business.

If he starts harassing you by text then send one text asking him not to contact you any more. Once you've done that, if he contacts you again after you have asked him not to then you can report him to the police.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Musti · 02/09/2018 11:22

Well done op. Don't explain or justify to him, he'll only argue and defend himself. I'd also block him on everything and get your friend to stay over tonight (or you stay at your friend's)

Aussiebean · 02/09/2018 11:56

If you are worried, donit by text and tell him you will send his stuff over to him.

Don’t let him in if you are scared and worried about his reaction.

Ohyesiam · 02/09/2018 12:02

Don’t be furious with yourself, just take it in as info. You’ll see all the warning signs next time x

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