Was he right to ask me to pay rent when sleeping in his bed...and wanting to have a baby with me ?

[Falulah]

A recent post on a FB dating group kind of triggered me to remember a situation that happened with my (abusive) ex a few years ago when I was 23 and he was 39 ... I would love some viewpoints on it to get some closure or clarity on this situation:

6 years ago....my ex asked me to move in with him to his house that he owned - 15 year only mortgage was secured by him & his Mother - he had equity in the house but was only paying interest on the mortgage with his income from housemate, not paying it off - so he didn't have to work much - He wanted me to pay rent (as if I was a tenant) for sleeping in his bed with him, whilst he still kept a housemate in the spare room, and wanted me to contribute to bills and food as well - this was when he was also wanting to try for a baby with me - basically making income & a baby out of me. At the time i argued with him and said this was wrong - and he made me feel as if I was being a brat and kept saying "You can't live somewhere for free - if you had to rent a room elsewhere you'd need to pay rent...." .....Was I right ?? I feel he was trying to profit off me. He also said he would only marry me if I signed a pre-nup. (Unheard of almost in U.K especially if you have children, unless you are high powered/aristocracy/celebrity) .

I suggested I would pay bills & half of our food shop plus put some money aside in a savings account for baby/holidays/house improvements in the future - He refused this and would only entertain things his way. I was very naive and young but still I don't think this was right.....???

Redglitter - RTFT. Or at least the OP's posts.

Read my post with extra details clarifying , a few posts above this one ^ yes I did have a baby with him - him asking me to move in / proposing a baby and marriage was him saying let’s set up house together. He knew he only way I could contribute was minimal because I did not have a career yet I was 23 ! He did not want to work much himself he just wanted to make money from his lodger. And asked me to pay rent on top of contributing bills & food which would not go into mortgage - my name would not be included in the house. His house was paid for by his mother’s equity, mortgage with his mother otherwise he’d have never been able to get a mortgage because he didn’t have enough solid income. He only paid interest on mortgage. Lodger paid for that & also then some. He put this in his personal bank account for spending how he liked. Golf, football season tickets, weed, parties, records, clothes - yes food & bills too but he really profited off the house and saw me moving in as a way to get more profit. This is what I felt. I felt he wasn’t trying to build a future.
But yes I wasn’t an idiot to still move in.. I didn’t see all that then. I loved him and wanted family. I wanted to be stay at home mum like I thought he wanted me to. Even though I did see red flags I ignored them... I wanted to see the best in him.
Then my friend died in a horrific car accident soon after I moved in with him and we stopped being careful with sex (because I said I wanted to wait until marriage to have baby... he said ok let’s get married.. but then changed his mind and said only if we have pre-nup - unheard of in the Uk I now realise) basically I was grieving then for my friend and I felt ok all I want is a family life is too short... and 4 months after I moved in I got pregnant with DD.

I'm totally confused now. Op you wrote this as if you were just living with this man and didn't want to pay rent . Not that you were a stay at home mum. That's clearly very different.

What situation were you in? Do you have a child together and he still wanted you to contribute?

Mortyvicar - I did read the thread I'm not one of these posters who replies to a first post & doesn't read the rest. I clearly missed the bit where she said she'd had a baby. Thanks for your input though

To be fair I missed it too.

Op, is the key thing here you wished to be a stay at home mum and he didn't wish it? Both parties do need to agree on that,

It just sounds like the relationship didn't work, youwere not compatible and he did not wish what you wished.

Does he now pay child maintenance? You sound very angry still, when did the relationship end?

Bluntness - he wanted to become a stay at home parent, even though before they had the baby he’d said OP should be the stay at home parent as he didn’t agree with nurseries. His idea was to be SAHD but with his mum doing the actual work.

They weren’t “not compatible” he was a verbally, physically and emotional abusive drug addict.

You can't live somewhere rent free and get free food as well!

Blushingm, who wanted free food?

Some of the responses on this thread are unbelievable. But several PPs clearly didn't read the OP properly and thought Falulah didn't want to make any contribution to the household.

Expecting your partner to make a fair financial contribution to the household expenses when they have a paid job - YANBU

Expecting to make a profit out of your partner (and future mother of your child), so you can live mainly off her money and spend most of your time smoking weed - YABU

I'm glad you got shot of him, Falulah.

I have/had a similar situation the difference is I have my own house, pay all MY own bills and MY own mortgage now dp said the exact same thing to me when I was at his? I'm sorry but for the posters criticising the poster, we need to know more facts

I would contribute buying all the food because it was only me that cooked. But in terms of paying him "rent" why should I? When I had my own place, so I would be responsible for two houses? He kept saying to rent my house out but again no, he had kicked me out of HIS house a few times before basically if we had a disagreement so I will not risk losing my house for that reason

I think the op has a right to ask this, the fact he has used to term "rent" does seem money minded, and what about income?
My dp earns more than double me! Yet said I SHOULD pay half towards the bills/food. How is that financially fair? I earn about 800/900-1000 depending on overtime etc and he earns 1900. I couldn't understand
Again, I was buying all the food also payed the TV license in full

I do t agree with all the comments on here, for all we know she oust have moved in paid her way and then be told to move out as it would be his house no matter what

Thanks HeckyPeck ... to the people saying sex and babies aren’t currency... yuk. Gosh.. you really think that was what I was suggesting ? When you set up home together and one partner stops working to carry your child & be a stay at home Mum... they are hugely sacrificing and limiting their own personal finances and career - you have to work together as a team right ? A man providing for his family... is that not ok ? Should I have charged him childcare then once baby came... and he give me salary for 24 on call nanny 7 days a week ?

Yes exactly this
OP, I have a very similar situation
And as expected your ex seems very similar, very money minded
I had to give up my degree to become a SAHM lost my career so had to opt for lower paid jobs
This was ten years ago, fortunately I have a good job now but I disagree I should pay half towards bills as he put me in a situation where I could t earn as well I could have done
Also, thankfully got my own house as I'm happy to live separate being financially independent.

How did he put you in the situation Isabella. Having a baby is a choice. Unless deeply religious reasons, and even then one has a choice on whether to have sex or not.

No man puts a woman in this situation. Women chose to have babies. If you chose to have one it is not a god given right that you can stop work and a man has to. Provide for you. That's something you agree up front.

Bluntness100 - so I suppose you are

A) abstinent for life

B) Have had a hysterectomy /have been told medically there is 0% chance you can ever have a child

C) your husband/partner's bank has set up a 100 year permanent standing order of £3000 per month going directly into your account

D) Incredibly independently wealthy

E) Indestructible and incapable of ever becoming physically ill or mentally ill and therefore unable to support your children?

F) Only have sex with women.

Or all the above.....

If not .... By having sex with a man you are then choosing to perhaps be put in such a situation as being a single mum/not having high enough income or being financially secure for future?

Isn't that always a risk that someone can fall on hard times and be in that position? No one should be shamed for "choosing" or "putting themselves" in that position.

I do understand you, OP. It didn't feel right. It's ok to contribute to rent and other bills as long as he paid as much as you did but not less.

I don’t think it was unreasonable for him to ask you to pay rent. The time period in your post when he was asking you to pay rent was not when you were a sahp. You were making a choice to have a child. Not shaming you- I’m a single parent too, but you still need to take responsibility for your choices.

OP, I bet he wanted to eat his cake and have it.

Lots of odd replies on this post.

I agree that third of bills (as there's a lodger) and half food should be paid by you.

If you pay rent then that should be reflected in the deeds to the home. So his current equity would be protected then the rest of the house would be split between you and him.

If you didn't pay rent then obviously he can ask you to leave at the drop of a hat.

@Bluntness100

By asking me to have his baby then expecting me to be a SAHM, now I understand if they financially help you but he wanted me to still pay for stuff

And yes we were young and didn't use proper protection but abortion is very against my religion so I wouldn't have aborted it as well, the thing is he got to finish his degree and I didn't. I had no choice

In terms of the op how can she guarantee that he wouldn't kick her out of his house? Even if she paid rent,? This is exactly the problem I had
I had put money in his house that his parents bought so he had NO mortgage. But still he told me to move out if I ever disagreed or went against him so I don't agree that op should have paid rent

The specific details of this muddy the waters. If a pregnancy had come about and a baby then OP would have been very vulnerable.

It was a good thing none of this happened. And very good OP, that you avoided the entire situation. We won't know what your ex's motivations were but we can see that everyone was looking out for themselves. I do not think that was a bad thing with hindsight.

@whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2

From what I gather, it did happen. I think she wanted clarification in the way he had acted at that time. She did have his baby but parted from him soon after it seems.

@IsabellaMoltisantixx

I'm not certain. But if it did all happen and you did have a baby. Does the ex now support his child?

@Falulah ... can you clarify?

Yes I did get pregnant 4 months after moving in with him - he chose not to work full time right up until 4 weeks after the baby was born. I worked until I was 41 weeks pregnant (still babysitting for my old nannying family with DD’s head engaged) he would often complain about driving down the road to pick me up from work at this point. He freaked out when lodger left and he actually had to work. He became abusive when I was pregnant. He pressured me to go back to work when DD was 4 months old so him and his Mum could take care of baby - DD wouldn’t take a bottle, I thought he agreed and it made the most sense that i’d Be a stay at home mum. I had no career - certainly not enough to support us, his earning potential was much more but he just didn’t want to. He was always jealous that he had to work and resentful - thought SAHP was easy option - nope!! He does pay towards DD now but bare minimum and he took me to court I have her 50/50 even though she suffered from night terrors for months when staying over nights with him as she was so unsettled. He just wanted his “half”for himself and his Mum. Did not care how it affected her. Court battle for 8 months ... they still decided he can have her nearly 50/50 because the abuse apparently wasn’t that severe and was a couple years ago now.

Thanks for clarifying OP.

Thank goodness you are away from him and still battling on. Good luck.