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Original poster

Was he right to ask me to pay rent when sleeping in his bed...and wanting to have a baby with me ?

98 replies

Falulah · 01/09/2018 15:20

A recent post on a FB dating group kind of triggered me to remember a situation that happened with my (abusive) ex a few years ago when I was 23 and he was 39 ... I would love some viewpoints on it to get some closure or clarity on this situation:

6 years ago....my ex asked me to move in with him to his house that he owned - 15 year only mortgage was secured by him & his Mother - he had equity in the house but was only paying interest on the mortgage with his income from housemate, not paying it off - so he didn't have to work much - He wanted me to pay rent (as if I was a tenant) for sleeping in his bed with him, whilst he still kept a housemate in the spare room, and wanted me to contribute to bills and food as well - this was when he was also wanting to try for a baby with me - basically making income & a baby out of me. At the time i argued with him and said this was wrong - and he made me feel as if I was being a brat and kept saying "You can't live somewhere for free - if you had to rent a room elsewhere you'd need to pay rent...." .....Was I right ?? I feel he was trying to profit off me. He also said he would only marry me if I signed a pre-nup. (Unheard of almost in U.K especially if you have children, unless you are high powered/aristocracy/celebrity) .

I suggested I would pay bills & half of our food shop plus put some money aside in a savings account for baby/holidays/house improvements in the future - He refused this and would only entertain things his way. I was very naive and young but still I don't think this was right.....???

OP posts:
PinkHeart5914 · 01/09/2018 17:04

You were living there so why shouldn’t you pay rent? Do you want to be a free loader and not pay your share?

Not rent as such but your share of the bills/food absolutely!

Grasslands · 01/09/2018 17:08

Exchanging sex for rent isn’t a good idea, just one step away from prostitution really.
If you love on another enough to start a family, legalize the relationship.

HeckyPeck · 01/09/2018 17:11

But there is no way I'd pay rent to someone I was having a child with

This.

Besides, what is the going rate for rent where you don’t even have your own room and sleep with your landlord? Should OP have charged him childcare if they had a baby? 🤔

Coyoacan · 01/09/2018 17:12

Strange attitudes here. When I was young I slept in the same bed as a man because I was in love and wanted to, not as some kind of sacrifice to please them.

Joysmum · 01/09/2018 17:14

I think the problem here is the term ‘rent’.

Of course you should have contributed to the household. I paid rent when I moved in with my now DH and called it rent too. I don’t have issue with the term.

Legally if you start paying a mortgage and taking on other household expenses you leave yourself open to a claim in later years when you split up. My friend had to get legal advise on this when she split with her partner as he moved into her house with her. She’s lucky he was nice about things.

HeckyPeck · 01/09/2018 17:14

Not rent as such but your share of the bills/food absolutely!

OP said it was as well as a contribution to bills etc.

suzy2b · 01/09/2018 17:16

I moved in with my boyfriend never gave it a thought to pay rent he had his own house and if he had asked i would have moved out

Crinkle77 · 01/09/2018 17:17

Mumsnet is funny sometimes. I have seen similar posts in the past where where people have advised that she should not have to pay half his mortgage as he could kick her or at any time and she would not be entitled to anything in the event of a split. From what I can tell the kidney is effectively paying the mortgage so by charging her rent he would basically be profiting from her. The op did say she offered to pay towards bills.

Crinkle77 · 01/09/2018 17:17

Stupid autocirrect. Should say lodger not kidney.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/09/2018 17:19

It sounds as though you didn’t have a child with him. A nominal rent may have been a good thing to protect himself. You were young and I imagine not earning much so it shouldn’t have been much. No way should it have been the room rate considering you were sharing his room and bed. I’d most certainly object highly to a man, who wanted me to have his child and go to work so that he didn’t have to. Lucky escape I’d say.

MortyVicar · 01/09/2018 17:19

There is another way of looking at this, taking the OP exactly as she's described.

If he asked her to move in, then it's possible he saw a way to get even more rent, but with the same outgoings, so he'd have to work even less. The OP says that he was the one wanting to try for a baby, not her. That could have been his way of controlling her and keeping her tied to him. 23 vs 39 is a big age gap, and particularly as he was abusive, I don't think it's as simple as you're living here so you should pay.

GrumpyOldBlonde · 01/09/2018 17:24

This doesn't read to me that he wanted her to share the mortgage (with a rent payment) but profit from her - the roommates rent paid the mortgage and he wanted rent from OP as extra income.

I guess there was no child in the end and the relationship ended?

AnoukSpirit · 01/09/2018 17:28

You won't get the closure or clarity you need here.

How can you filter out the replies from misogynists, abusers, or people who are just here to lay into posters for their own kicks?

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk - they will give you clear information so you can sort this all out and put it to rest. It will be information you can trust and rely upon.

If the rent from his housemate covered the mortgage payments in full, and you contributed to all your household costs - which is how your op sounds - then presumably any "rent" you paid to him would have been pure spending money? That's not normal. If my understanding is correct, then it does sound like financial abuse rather than just a normal contribution to living costs.

And abusive men generally only push for babies as a means to exert greater control over you.

Seriously, if you want your closure get off mumsnet and go on the Freedom Programme - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

MeganBacon · 01/09/2018 17:30

I think the fact that he had a lodger there indicated he saw you as another lodger, and in this case, you would have been very unwise to have a baby with him. Without being married, you should be willing to pay your own way. It's different if it's clearly a husband/wife type of set up, then differences in income are factored into the financial arrangements and hopefully agreed up front before babies arrive. But I think he sounds mean anyway, and you seem to suspect that and you are probably right, so you were best not to marry him.

Grasslands · 01/09/2018 17:31

It definitely sounds unhealthy and suggests possible entrapment with a child.

nocoolnamesleft · 01/09/2018 17:31

He wanted you to pay part of the mortgage. This would be absolutely fine, as long as you were formally gaining a proportional interest in the house. But it's bloody obvious you weren't going to. If he had been renting, then sharing the rent would be reasonable.

Nothisispatrick · 01/09/2018 17:32

I think your suggestion of paying towards billls, food shop and savings is perfectly reasonable. You shouldn’t have to pay rent, there are plenty of other ways to contribute to the household.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 01/09/2018 17:33

I think you dodged a bullet there Op.

Huskylover1 · 01/09/2018 17:37

WTF!

So Op, if you meet a new guy, and he moves in with you, you won't expect him to pay his share of the rent/mortgage, as long as he's shagging you?

How odd? Guys who do this are called Cocklodgers.

Irinn · 01/09/2018 17:40

ahaha oh my! his name wasn't Rob by chance?
thats ridiculous man and its disgusting to ask GF to pay him rent. what for you would be living with him at all if you can rent something for your own?
Should tell him that you'll move in when he will finish with his mortgage)))

lifebegins50 · 01/09/2018 17:42

Paying rent or a contribution isn't an issue if both of you working. I assume you had s full-time job?

No harm in making a fair contribution to outgoings, that is what a partnership is.

needyourlovingtouch · 01/09/2018 17:43

He was in a relationship and wanted to have a child with you- you should not have paid rent. Yes, contribute to bills but not rent.

Muddy situation really.

Bluntness100 · 01/09/2018 17:45

Of course you should have paid. Where is your self respect? You pay your way and you pay your half.

In this instance you were wrong. The question is why do you expect a man to pay for you and not for you to contribute?

I'm sorry I cansee why he wanted a pre nup if you didn't even want to pay rent. He shouldn't have had to ask.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 01/09/2018 17:46

Yes you should be paying your own way. Just because a couple start trying for a baby it does not mean the woman should automatically stop paying her way........unless you saw sex as a trade off for rent

Bluntness100 · 01/09/2018 17:49

And for the people saying men should pay then what if the situation is reversed, man moves into the female home? He doesn't pay either? She pays the mortgage on her own? Because he's fucking her?

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