Was he right to ask me to pay rent when sleeping in his bed...and wanting to have a baby with me ?

[Falulah]

A recent post on a FB dating group kind of triggered me to remember a situation that happened with my (abusive) ex a few years ago when I was 23 and he was 39 ... I would love some viewpoints on it to get some closure or clarity on this situation:

6 years ago....my ex asked me to move in with him to his house that he owned - 15 year only mortgage was secured by him & his Mother - he had equity in the house but was only paying interest on the mortgage with his income from housemate, not paying it off - so he didn't have to work much - He wanted me to pay rent (as if I was a tenant) for sleeping in his bed with him, whilst he still kept a housemate in the spare room, and wanted me to contribute to bills and food as well - this was when he was also wanting to try for a baby with me - basically making income & a baby out of me. At the time i argued with him and said this was wrong - and he made me feel as if I was being a brat and kept saying "You can't live somewhere for free - if you had to rent a room elsewhere you'd need to pay rent...." .....Was I right ?? I feel he was trying to profit off me. He also said he would only marry me if I signed a pre-nup. (Unheard of almost in U.K especially if you have children, unless you are high powered/aristocracy/celebrity) .

I suggested I would pay bills & half of our food shop plus put some money aside in a savings account for baby/holidays/house improvements in the future - He refused this and would only entertain things his way. I was very naive and young but still I don't think this was right.....???

You were living there so rent seems entirely reasonable imho as well as bills. It almost sounds like you were saying that you sleeping with him was the equivalent of paying your way. That really isn't a good place to be.

The prenup stuff is odd (possibly initiated by his mother). The reason prenups are not popular in the UK is that they often are ignored during divorce proceedings.

were you having a baby "for" him, did you see it as you "giving" him a baby as a kind of resource? You weren't a broodmare were you? Presumably you were hoping to have a baby "with"him. I.e. you were partners.

Being a partner implies contributing to the household. This can take different forms for different people but if rent was what he wanted, fair play to him.

It was for you to assess whether the household you were joining to by having a baby with him, was right for you.

For me personally, someone who was paying interest only on a small mortgage and barely working, would not be someone I'd want to have a baby with, so the point is moot from my perspective.

Ywbu you were living there so should have contributed to the mortgage

I didn’t think prenups were legal in this country.

Contributing to,food etc is fair enough. Not sure about paying rent, but your suggestion of saving ,for holidays etc sounded a good compromise.

Prenups aren't legally binding but you can have one. The need to meet a range of safeguards to be upheld by a judge and I think that many of the early ones didn't.

You should have paid rent... Why did you think you shouldn't?

Ywbu

If you move in together half of the bills and rent (ratio based on earnings if both agree)

I didn't "let" anyone share my bed...if they choose to do so it's because we are in a partnership and it's mutual

Same as having a baby

I'm sorry he was abusive but you are unreasonable expecting to not contribute properly

I think it was absolutely reasonable of him to ask you to pay your way. Why did you expect to live there for free? He was your partner not your father.

I have lived in an exes house that he owned and I paid a contribution, of course I did. I would have to pay rent elsewhere so I would never dream of living for free just because we were sleeping together. Equally if I owned my own property and a boyfriend moved in I would expect him to pay me something. It's often cheaper than the person renting, plus helps the other person with their mortgage-win win!

Think it depends on the amount he wanted and what it was in proportion to what he was paying.

I’m in Canada it’s not unusual for a young mans home to be in the parents name, pre nups (although same as UK not often iron clad) and insisting GF pay rent....why because relationships quickly become classified as common law and said GF can lay a claim on the property.
Just saying family background and history may have motivated him to make these suggestions.

He was "making an income & a baby" out of you? You seem to have a very strange view of this relationship.

If you move in with someone why on earth would you think you shouldn't pay. I have several friends who's partners have moved in with them & their partners pay some form of "rent"

YABU

You were being unreasonable OP; why should he 'keep' you?
I bet if it had been the reverse you'd have been feeling differently.
You were being the female equivalent of a cocklodger in my opinion.

Why would you expect to live there rent free?

I think the real issue is that you're still thinking about this years later. But no, it's not unreasonable to ask you to contribute if you live somewhere.

The difference would be if he wanted you to give up work once you became a mother.

Stranger that you'd think it unreasonable not to pay rent.

I wouldn't have entertained living with him at all.

You were being very unreasonable. Of course you should pay rent in any place you're staying.

There is no such thing as common law wife in .uk.

If you move in with someone and you pay towards the mortgage you could entitle to a share of the house.
Rent he only charge 80 and any more and he will have tax on it .

It all sounds a bit strange. But there is no way I'd pay rent to someone I was having a child with, I'd want to be married and for the mortgage to be in both our names. Oh, and I'd not want a lodger there either.

OP i had a very similar ex with a similar age gap at a similar age and i’m with you on this.

I was at a completely different point in my life to him, not established in a career, still paying off student debt. He wanted me to live with him (I would have happily lived somewhere else and paid for it where I could actually get a bed to myself) but he was not prepared to reduce the rent below what his other housemate was paying (despite that housemate having his own bedroom/bathroom!)

In the end and along with some other things, it all added up to a picture of him being controlling. One example is that i couldn’t get a job in the town or any nearby town that his house was in. I suggested that I needed to move elsewhere to work in order to be able to even pay him rent or be an equal partner, but he told me that he feared our relationship would be over if I moved away.

So he put me in a circular situation: stick around and I will portray you as leeching off me unless you pay me or move away and you will have maliciously abandoned me.

Of course I was young and I wouldn’t put up with any of that shit now and also would be able to articulate it better than I did then.

So YANBU

I could not imagine having to pay rent to my boyfriend if I was living with him. He sounds like an arsehole.

He had a point about not being able to live somewhere for free..