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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just lost my rag with my DD1 and mother

83 replies

lolaflores · 31/08/2018 20:48

She DD1 (25) said she was coming to see me this weekend but suddenly can't but seems to be able to hook up with my Narc DM.
I bend over fucking backwards for her. Whatever she needs, emotional, etc. I took her on holiday with Narc DM and DD2. Paid for her ticket. Fed her etc.
Last weekend I schlepped cross country to meet the parents of her shit bag boyfriend, accompanied by Narc DM (I did it for the sake of peace and I rolled over, I should not have gone).
My DM behaved like a raging fucking narc looney the entire day, I was humiliated, ashamed etc. I could go on. but I swallowed it all up, got on with it, get it out of the way, its for my DD, I want her to feel proud of me in front of these people.
Got through it. The journey is hard for me I have real mobility problems plus MH stuff (most likely courtesy of DM).
Now this weekend there seems to be no room for me but space for DM...
I have written a very harsh text to DD and I am shaking with anger and disappointment and the same feelings of humiliation. I can't tell my DH cos he will just say what do you expect which is the plain truth, unappetising as it is, I can't argue with it.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 31/08/2018 20:57

I think you need to take a step back and not get so involved. It's hard to know who you are the most cross with - DD, DM, or the shitbag boyfriend? Or yourself for giving in and funding this fiasco? Step back, calm down and listen to DH who seems to have wisely checked out of this unpleasant situation.

Original poster
lolaflores · 31/08/2018 21:03

I feel so hurt. Manipulated. Stupid

OP posts:
Falulah · 31/08/2018 21:39

...You are sounding quite narc yourself in your message. There is a lot of rage & entitlement there from you towards your own family for not doing what you expect or want them to do.
You have clearly had strong emotions triggered and I expect that the others around you may experience your harsh text and shaking with anger as you perhaps experience your narc DM.. eg. acting like a "fucking lunatic" ...as you describe she was. Your message is incredibly vitriolic.
Perhaps look at how you are acting/projection out in the world/towards others? Why are you so entitled that your daughter must do what you expect her to do or what you feel entitled to? She can do what she wants with her own time. She is your daughter and if you pay for stuff for her or do stuff for her, then that is your choice. Don't be resentful and blame her for your choices. When you love someone you do stuff for them and don't expect anything in return. Having children is not about what they do for you and how much attention they give you.

Falulah · 31/08/2018 21:42

I also see here you playing the victim (really hard for ME, mobility issues, mental health issues - probably caused by DM etc...) - and blaming others for your own problems/ life circs.
Blaming others for not being grateful enough for trips you took with them, which causes YOU such an inconvenience. Classic narcissist. And your message sounds like narc rage being triggered.

Original poster
lolaflores · 31/08/2018 22:06

Falulah..i suppose you must be right then. But in my view, a scrap of common courtesy would not go amiss. She cancelled on me as she got the offer of a shopping trip with Granny.

OP posts:
ahouseofleaves · 31/08/2018 22:08

I have written a very harsh text to DD and I am shaking with anger and disappointment

I doubt this will help matters. Take a step back. Read your OP. The rage is palpable.

Original poster
lolaflores · 31/08/2018 22:10

If you have any idea of what my DM has put me through with her unpredictable, selfish madness you might be a little less confident in your diagnosis of what may or may not be trigger g me
She had the family dog drowned the day after my father died. So believe me ....i fucking know what she is and I what I most definitely am not

OP posts:
Original poster
lolaflores · 31/08/2018 22:15

The rage is palpable because I feel cut to the bone and she is so casual about it.

OP posts:
pallasathena · 31/08/2018 22:19

Nature or nurture? Its a question we all ask ourselves re family....

IdahoJones · 31/08/2018 22:23

She had your dog drowned?? Good grief. How? (If you don't mind me asking.)

Original poster
lolaflores · 31/08/2018 22:49

She asked a neighbour to take the dog down to the river with a bag. I watched him walk away with the dog in his arms.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 31/08/2018 22:57

What are you hoping your daughter will do when she’s read your message?

Original poster
lolaflores · 31/08/2018 23:07

I don't know. I don't expect her to suddenly say...oh I'll come to you.
Not at all.
I just want her to know that I feel hurt is all.

OP posts:
Falulah · 31/08/2018 23:25

Why do you want her to know that you feel hurt ? She hasn't done anything wrong except live her life. Your 25 year old daughter isn't responsible for your feelings. Anyone can change their mind and change their plans - people do it all the time. She doesn't owe you a visit just because she mentioned she was coming to visit - maybe she felt like doing something else. Have you ever changed your plans and decided to do something else instead...can you relate ? It's a normal human action not a spiteful action. You are taking it very personally and acting entitled.

I'm sorry to hear about your awful childhood ...it sounds traumatic. But you are a grown up now and it sounds as if you are still deeply affected, holding onto your childhood story as a reason for why you are angry and ill now as an adult - - Who would you be without that story? Who would you be without the thought that others should do as you wish them to do or expect them to do? Otherwise they have committed some awful slight against you?

She can do what she wants ....making her feel guilty - texting her a rageful message and throwing an adult tantrum will only push her further away. I am 29 and if my Mum exploded all her hurt feelings and emotions from her childhood that she still hadn't processed or healed from - all over me - then I wouldn't want to spend time with her. I'd want to spend time doing something fun. She's in her mid 20s, she is only focused on herself, as is normal at that age..

Maybe it's time to let your childhood go and not put through your daughter through drama, blame, rage as well..
And then act offended/surprised that she doesn't want to spend time with you. It's a self fulfilling prophecy. I wouldn't want to be around someone who was seething with anger. Usually if you are seething with anger that strongly & you can't see the situation with perspective - someone else's behaviour/normal human actions, it shows you have something big to work on and refocus on yourself, not what other's around you are doing or not doing.

Falulah · 31/08/2018 23:27

If you feel "cut to the bone" - this is such strong language - it is really a projection of childhood trauma and frustration - something still not dealt with - spilling over into the present. It is not a true reflection of the situation. It is projecting something else onto the present situation - looking at it through distorted glasses as it were - and thinking what you see is real. You can tell rage is a projection of past traumas if it is intense and long lasting and it is disproportionate to the actual event that occured.

Falulah · 31/08/2018 23:31

I just read your OP again... Anger , disappointment and humiliation ... did you feel this in childhood and feeling it all over again? Having your Narc DM as you call her in your life so much, and your relationship with your daughter too is triggering these feelings again....?

Original poster
lolaflores · 31/08/2018 23:47

Falulah...you know precisely nothing about me beyond the tiny slice I have written here in a moment if anger.
The outcomes of my childhood are what they are.
I have spent many hours in therapy. I have been sectioned.
I have voluntarily had electro shock therapy in the states in an attempt to heal myself. I take my meds and attend all the group's and manage my condition and try not to let it control me.

My DD lives her life like any other 25 year old. Children can be inconsiderate.
I have never dictate her life to her. She makes her decisions to suit herself. We have always had a good relationship largely free of conflict.

She does cancel and I don't mind. Things happen. I do understand that.
But she cancelled because she got a better offer basically.

OP posts:
Original poster
lolaflores · 31/08/2018 23:54

And yes...this is a total humiliating rerun of my mother making me insignificant. She did it at the weekend. Grand standed in front of complete strangers.. Grabbed the mother and father in bear hugs
Kissed them over and over. Then hooked their arms, walked away and left me to being all the bags and my walking stick.
Did the same at the airport. Just fucked off leaving me and dd2 way behind cos I can't go that fast.
I just don't exist and now she has DD1 doing the same thing

OP posts:
Original poster
lolaflores · 01/09/2018 00:01

Falulah
Holding onto my childhood? Do you think I don't want to be rid of it? Wh

OP posts:
NasdaqYouTwat · 01/09/2018 00:07

This is an extreme reaction to cancelled plans and your rage is so palpable it's disturbing. Your DD is not responsible for your terrible childhood or your mum's behaviour.

NasdaqYouTwat · 01/09/2018 00:12

Do you really lack the insight and self awareness to realise that sending angry harsh texts to your DD (who hasn't done anything terrible really) makes you a bit of a 'raging fucking narc looney'...

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/09/2018 00:16

You hold a lot of resentment towards your daughter who you say you usually have a good relationship with.

On the one hand you’re choosing to spend time with your mother who you clearly loathe to please your DD, which you don’t need to do because she’s old enough to have her own relationships without you being involved. And then on the other, you resent DD and DM spending time together and having a relationship without you.

Your pain and rage are spilling off the page but I don’t know what you really want or what would help. You don’t have to spend time with your mum. If she makes you miserable then just pull away. Let your children have the relationship they want with her and steer clear.

You don’t say much about DD2, do you have an easier dynamic with her?

Everyone else seems to be somehow at fault, DD1, DM, new bf.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 01/09/2018 00:18

Really stop with the angry texts. Obviously there is s huge backstory here and a really distressing one, but if your DM is so manipulative she will use any hostility from you to DD to her advantage.

You come across so, so angry and while there is a lot more to it to you, to your DD this is because of a cancelled visit which will be easy for your DM to say is a massive overreaction

Original poster
lolaflores · 01/09/2018 00:27

I think I am so angry with Dd1 because I can't actually tell DM what I think of her and her behaviour lately. All her life actually

OP posts:
NasdaqYouTwat · 01/09/2018 00:31

I think I am so angry with Dd1 because I can't actually tell DM what I think of her and her behaviour lately.

Using your DD as an outlet for the anger you hold towards your mother is completely unacceptable