Just lost my rag with my DD1 and mother

[lolaflores]

She DD1 (25) said she was coming to see me this weekend but suddenly can't but seems to be able to hook up with my Narc DM.
I bend over fucking backwards for her. Whatever she needs, emotional, etc. I took her on holiday with Narc DM and DD2. Paid for her ticket. Fed her etc.
Last weekend I schlepped cross country to meet the parents of her shit bag boyfriend, accompanied by Narc DM (I did it for the sake of peace and I rolled over, I should not have gone).
My DM behaved like a raging fucking narc looney the entire day, I was humiliated, ashamed etc. I could go on. but I swallowed it all up, got on with it, get it out of the way, its for my DD, I want her to feel proud of me in front of these people.
Got through it. The journey is hard for me I have real mobility problems plus MH stuff (most likely courtesy of DM).
Now this weekend there seems to be no room for me but space for DM...
I have written a very harsh text to DD and I am shaking with anger and disappointment and the same feelings of humiliation. I can't tell my DH cos he will just say what do you expect which is the plain truth, unappetising as it is, I can't argue with it.

You've moved so far in your thinking OP. I am sure you can work this one out. Your mum sounds like she has zero empathy and is hard work, but you don't have to be her victim all of your life.

OP, it's not you. I'm quite 😧 at some of the awful comments and assertions that have been made on this thread towards you. One thing I know though is that unless you've been involved in such a relationship others who haven't just don't get it. They're clever these toxic people that dish this stuff out, crossing boundaries that only the person they abuse can see. The only thing that works is NC and Grey Rock. I'm sorry you had to read those comments when you were feeling so bad, must have made it so much worse.

I’m NC with my mother. The people who matter know some of the recent stuff they’ve witnessed. They don’t know it all but they know that I’m very clear that I will not be treated like shit anymore and I question anyone who asks why they think I deserve to be treated badly and carry how that makes me feel. I’m very black and white in that and point out they don’t know the half of it and that I have no wish to drag others in but I have more reasons than they could imagine.

It hurts me that others still have a relationship with her and make excuses first her but she’s not hurt others the way she’s hurt me. I try to remember that it’s normal not to takes sides so until she crosses their line in the sand she’ll have friends still.

That said, at times I need time away from those people because it hurts me but that pain is mine to bear so I’m best off taking a break for damage limitation rather than damaging my relationships because of her.

CarolDanvers thank you so so much for your comment. I really appreciate it. This thread felt like running with the bulls at Pamplona earlier but it put me on my toes and made me push through the mist. On the other hand, some comments were just unpleasant but thats the breaks on MN sometimes.

Joysmum hat said, at times I need time away from those people because it hurts me but that pain is mine to bear so I’m best off taking a break for damage limitation rather than damaging my relationships because of her.

That is so practical and sensible things I can do till I see my daughter. The damage limitation is important here as much as anything else. I still have to be a mum to DD2 as well.
Today has been better than I could have ever expected. I moped about a bit this morning but then we all decided to just get on with stuff and let everything else look after itself.
I haven't heard from my daughter and don't really expect to for the time being but I don't feel quite as desperate as I did yesterday. The pain has receded and I can see a way forwards that I honestly didn't yesterday. Which is something.

Joysmum please tell me how you managed to go NC.
How do you get on with the rest of your family?
Did you tell them what you were doing?
Its all so complicated.

I’m glad it was helpful.

My mother has done enough damage so my task now is damage limitation on the legacy she has left me with.

It hurts so much at times that this hurt hasn’t just stopped with me but affects my relationship with others but I can’t solve that, only do my damndest to manage it.

You can point out what happened on that weekend away with your DD and mother, and how your dd witnessed some of it but it’s the tip of the iceberg so for your own sanity you’ll be going NC. But also explain that you want your DD to be careful and understand she’s old enough to make her own decision but to respect you being NC and that you don’t want to hear anything about your mother in future as it’s too painful.

That’s the way I’ve handled things, it may not work for you but I thought it might be helpful to share

lolaflores

Your writings are really a salutary warning as to what narcissistic people, in this case your mother, can do to a family unit in terms of further damaging it. What you describe is a nightmare scenario but also precisely why I go on about keeping narcissistic grandparents well away from the grandchildren. They do tend to under value or over value the relationship and use the children as another source of narcissistic supply.

Infact she has not changed a jot since your own childhood and the golden child and scapegoat dynamic remain the same. People like your mother are both emotionally dangerous and master manipulators. She has scapegoated your youngest child and made your eldest out to be her golden child. She has perhaps now succeeded in stealing her heart and mind away from you completely; I sincerely hope that is not the case. The golden child role is a role also not without price though your DD does not realise that yet if she ever does. You do not want her to further be one of your mother's flying monkeys.

It is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist.

Atillathemeerkat your assessment is very sound.
The realisation of what she has done only became apparent on holiday. My hope is that not all is lost with DD1.

DM has created a monster in my youngest sister who is now NC with me. Her behaviour was facilitated by my DM and became unsupportable earlier this year. At this stage, the centre cannot hold and the fractures are now actively tearing through the remains of our family.

My brother is a non person in as much as I have spoken perhaps 5 sentences to him in 5 years. He is another one of her favourite love hates. Sister no. 2 is pretty much MIA as well for all the contact we have.

It feels now that I have no family to speak of, just a collection of people I met once and that is all down to DM being the way she is. Yet she is oblivious, She seems to think its just fine. Thats this is really not a bad outcome for a family....its so fucked up.