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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just lost my rag with my DD1 and mother

83 replies

lolaflores · 31/08/2018 20:48

She DD1 (25) said she was coming to see me this weekend but suddenly can't but seems to be able to hook up with my Narc DM.
I bend over fucking backwards for her. Whatever she needs, emotional, etc. I took her on holiday with Narc DM and DD2. Paid for her ticket. Fed her etc.
Last weekend I schlepped cross country to meet the parents of her shit bag boyfriend, accompanied by Narc DM (I did it for the sake of peace and I rolled over, I should not have gone).
My DM behaved like a raging fucking narc looney the entire day, I was humiliated, ashamed etc. I could go on. but I swallowed it all up, got on with it, get it out of the way, its for my DD, I want her to feel proud of me in front of these people.
Got through it. The journey is hard for me I have real mobility problems plus MH stuff (most likely courtesy of DM).
Now this weekend there seems to be no room for me but space for DM...
I have written a very harsh text to DD and I am shaking with anger and disappointment and the same feelings of humiliation. I can't tell my DH cos he will just say what do you expect which is the plain truth, unappetising as it is, I can't argue with it.

OP posts:
JuniperBeer · 01/09/2018 00:32

... and exactly how is that dD’s problem?! You’re going to turn into your mother if you’re not careful.
Back off.

Perhaps you should have just text her saying you were looking forward to it so are disappointed and when does she want to rearrange. Not go all lunatic on her

Original poster
lolaflores · 01/09/2018 00:34

DD2 doesn't have much of a relationship with DM as she frankly has no interest in her. She is totally absorbed in DNs and my Dd1. On holiday she took DD1 for lunch. Shopping. Dinner. Washed and ironed her clothes at the end of the week. Bought her clothes. Make up.
She seemed oblivious if dd2.
This event has caused an over reaction because I feel that it is an accumulation that has built up because I have never said anything.
Things have hurt and I let it pass. Tell myself it doesn't matter when it did but I had nowhere to go with it. So it hurts? Big deal.

OP posts:
NasdaqYouTwat · 01/09/2018 00:38

Will you be apologising to your daughter?

Original poster
lolaflores · 01/09/2018 00:40

I think she and I need a calm conversation

OP posts:
Original poster
lolaflores · 01/09/2018 00:42

We have talked before about how disruptive DM is and it has all happened again. She gets in and creates havoc and it's driving me mad

OP posts:
toothtruth · 01/09/2018 00:44

Your mother is the problem its her you are angry at.. why are you directing this anger at your own child?
Do you not think that your mother would love every minute of that? She probably wants you and your daughter to be at odds so that she can play the 'nice' one and feel like she has a hold over both your daughter and you. Please dont let her ruin your relationship with your daughter.
You should not have sent that text. Your daughter is not a pawn or a symbol of power between you and your mother.

Thesearepearls · 01/09/2018 00:47

This is a very saddening thread TBH

I tried to bring up my children to be mentally healthy and have good and loving relationships with everyone in the family

Those good and loving relationships might at times exclude me. I don't mind that. I never minded when my DM had time for my DD when she never had much time for me. I just enjoyed the fact that DD had someone who loved her almost as much as I did.

You seem very bitter and hurt and I'm sorry about that. But don't let your hurt affect your relationships with your children. You will regret that. I suspect you are already regretting that. Just let it pass. Let your children come to you. If you are loving and supportive of them which you sound as though you are normally, they will.

numptynuts · 01/09/2018 00:48

I can see why you're upset OP. Don't vent at your daughter, or yourself. This isn't your fault.

You do need to go NC with your mother. Leave her and DD1 to it. Hopefully your DD will see the truth eventually. In the meantime, focus on your wellbeing. Staying in this toxic situation means you will never get better. Distance is required. Thanks

Original poster
lolaflores · 01/09/2018 00:49

I feel so helpless in it all. Even if I go NC with DM, Dd will still be in contact with her and she will be able to get to me.
The last couple of weeks I have been pushing DM out in slow increments. Doing the grey rock approach. Cutting off the feed supply and I could tell she was getting pissed off but couldn't put her finger on this must be the backlash then.

OP posts:
MoaningMyrtle91 · 01/09/2018 00:50

I noticed earlier in your thread that you made a number of comments about how difficult your life has been due to your DM. Whilst this may be true - and nobody is trying to diminish your experience - this doesn't seem to be the case for DD1's experience with her. You highlight what she has done to you over the years - are you sure you aren't experiencing some sort of resentment that DD1 is having the kind of relationship that you never had with her? If so, projecting this onto your daughter will not end well. As pp's have mentioned, it will only serve to force a wedge between you and DD1 and, if your mother is the kind of person she says she is, then this plays into her hands.

Your relationship with your DM and DD1's relationship with her are not, and should not be, mutually exclusive just because you deem it so. She's an adult, and is surely aware of the strained relationship you have with your DM? She has therefore decided, rightly or wrongly, to have a relationship with her grandmother, and that is entirely her choice. No amount of projecting your issues with your DM onto her will change that.

Original poster
lolaflores · 01/09/2018 00:53

My DM is toxic. I wouldn't mind DD having a relationship with her if it was loving but it isn't. She manipulates her. Overstep every boundary. Body shames her. And I can't stop it.

OP posts:
Original poster
lolaflores · 01/09/2018 00:56

The issue is not her spending time with DM but that she cancelled plans with me to spend time with DM. I would have no problem them hanging out, it was the fact she was able to tell me I was out of her plans.
That is what is annoying me and it has struck me as inconsiderate

OP posts:
Original poster
lolaflores · 01/09/2018 01:00

DM has a different relationship with dd1 and it sickens me because o can't forget the shit she put me through. It seems fake. Especially when I see her ignore my other daughter. It tells me that the other DM is still in there

OP posts:
toothtruth · 01/09/2018 01:04

How do you expect your daughter not to be manipulated by your mother when you yourself still are being?

TatianaLarina · 01/09/2018 01:22

So first of all you don’t pay for 25 year old’s holiday, secondly you don’t invite your DM on holiday, thirdly you don’t meet your DD’s bf’s parents unless she brings them to your house, lastly, but most most importantly you’re not in touch with your nutty mother.

Take a step back and let DD get on with her life without your overinvolvement and bankrolling.

Original poster
lolaflores · 01/09/2018 01:31

How do I stop DM though? I am reducing involvement quietly but it seems to be aggravating her and I think this stunt is backlash. It is totally out of the blue. DM and I had a very short conversation on Monday. I was not rising to her usual critiques of me and DD1 and I could hear her getting very angry bit had no real reason to go for me.
This is the resolution of that as far as I can see.
Last word

OP posts:
bumpertobumper · 01/09/2018 02:03

Op, your mother sounds awful, and I am sorry that you have been given quite a hard time on this thread.
Well done for withdrawing and grey rocking, I think you are right, this is her lashing out in response, using DD to hurt you.
Something that struck me when reading your op is that your DD is pandering to her, going along with the manipulations because that is what she has learnt to do, watching you. I don't mean this to be harsh, and am not saying it to blame you. It is a natural response to an abusive parent to try to take the path of least resistance, and it seems DD has learned to do it too.
But, as you know you can't control someone else behaviour, only yours and how you react.

Distance yourself from your mother, and in time DD can learn from this example too.

Have you read toxic parents by Susan forward? If not is is worth getting.

Good luck, deep breath, tomorrow is another day.

Apologise to DD, don't let mother drive a wedge between you.

NameChangedNow · 01/09/2018 02:22

I think just focus on yourself for now and your own healing. Your DM sounds an absolute nightmare. Set your own boundaries with her. Nurture your self esteem. Spend quality time with your DD. If you stay entangled with your mother you will have this rage and then this is getting taken out on your daughter. Focus on boundaries with your mother and build up yourself. Your DD will see your DM as toxic in her own good time. Just make sure you're not toxic, too. You'll have a lot of healing to do. I know because I've been there (and still am to an extent) Flowers

WittyFuck · 01/09/2018 03:35

I have a very difficult mother. I have never really dared to think too deeply about it because it would be very destructive. I try to love my mother for the positive things she brings to my life. I challenge her on the worst of her nonsense. I think you are in danger of creating the same dynamic between your daughter and you, that you have with your mother.

You need to take charge of your feelings and accept that if you continue to blame everything on everyone else, you will be the one left out. When you speak with all that rage, you become the vulnerable child again...but you are not a child. Try to move forward and leave the past behind - the solution is in your own hands

AlmaGeddon · 01/09/2018 04:18

I notice you say you were humiliated and ashamed in the first post. You shouldn't be humiliated by DM because we do not choose our parents , we have little or no control over who they are or how they behave. Try to not let her have so much influence over your emotions.
You sound as if you are doing things because you should, eg the holiday arrangements, not because you want to. Then are angry because they are unappreciated, try to do things because YOU want to, try not to be manipulated or to manipulate.
And what you want should be about you, not about what you wish someone else should do for you or with you. You know you can't control that.
I'm sure you have had discussions with DD about your childhood. She is 25, old enough to make her own decisions. You should step back, and concentrate on your own life.

Original poster
lolaflores · 01/09/2018 06:58

I have apologized to my Dd but don't know if she really understands why. She says I am mental and paranoid. It seems pointless explaining why I feel as I do.
The label on me is that I am mad and it seems to be brought out when I get upset....well she's mad anywat

OP posts:
BellyDancer124 · 01/09/2018 07:21

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AlmaGeddon · 01/09/2018 07:25

Have you not told your DD about your childhood? And therefore you have a problem in your relationship with you Mother. Not all the details just that you have issues.

Original poster
lolaflores · 01/09/2018 07:36

She doesn't know much about life with DM. She knows my dad died when I was young but not what sort of parent DM was or any if the things she did.
I have been assessed by many psychiatrists and therapists and have yet to hear any of them say I have a narcissistic personality disorder if that is any help to those who seem co.vinced I am.
I am happy to accept I have acted out as one probably imitating my DM
Bi polar yes. Narc? Only by association I think.

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 01/09/2018 07:45

That is an interesting point. Do psychiatrists etc tell patients that they have NPD or is it something they say about other people in the patients’ lives? I ask because of all the things people get diagnosed with and help with you never hear it. Probably a stupid question, and it’s a tangent anyway just something I’ve wondered.

Anyway, I think it probably is time to be more open with your daughter about where the issues with your DM come from. You wouldn’t be asking her to get involved particularly just explaining why it is so easy for your mother to cause you so much distress.