Hi. I've posted a few times recently as i have been struggling with some stuff. i am getting better slightly and appreciate the mumsnet support - thank you.
ive been thinking about my past relationship as i said something to a girlfriend yesterday completely in passing and her reaction was that my partner was controlling. i keep going over it all and just wanted some objective views on it. i know it isnt good to constantly go over stuff like this, but i am feeling really conflicted about it all. these are some examples of what went on:
- on the beach and he asks if i am going to take my bikini top off. i say no. he says other people have (one other had). i said i felt uncomfortable. he said go on. i said no and tried to go back to reading my book. he stopped talking and seemed to be in a mood, although he didnt say anything. an hour later he suggests we go in the sea. he asks me to take my top off in the sea and gets annoyed when i say i dont want to. i then give in.
- we go to the beach for the day and he asks why i havent packed my make up because we were stopping at a nice bar on the way back. i said i didnt feel like wearing make up on the beach or taking it with me in the heat. he said "dont you want to look nice in the bar?" I then asked if he was suggesting i didnt look ok without make up. he immediately reared up and said i was sensitive, dramatic and causing an argument and that he was "only trying to help." i then got upset at his reaction and he says "here come the waterworks."
- he offered to pay for a fake tan and wax for me. i said i didnt want a fake tan and would go for a wax but didnt want it all off. he then said most women would and he would like that. i said do you not like me as i am and as above, he then calls me sensitive and a drama queen looking for an argument. i try to explain that i just feel like he doesnt think i am good enough, he then calls me insecure and says he doesnt care what i do or whether i have a wax, and that he is just telling me his preference. this happened on repeated occasions.
- asked me why i dont have a specific type of bag that "most girls have and like." i had no idea what he was talking about and that seemed to make him see me as someone who wasnt as womanly as he wanted. (im really girlie and into handbags but was quite happy with the one i had!).
- would pressure me into not using condoms because it felt better. i understood he felt this way and he would sometimes use condoms but always made a point that it wasnt as good with them as without. i know that is a man thing and he was right about the feeling but he always made a big deal out of it.
- if we ever argued he would suddenly give me silent treatment and act like i didnt exist, quite literally. i could be crying in front of him and he would say i was pathetic and not tell me why he wasn't speaking. this could sometimes happen out of the blue if he was upset with something at work etc.
- when we were away once, we had a drink then walked past a hat shop. he told me i looked great in a hat. the following night we walked past another similar shop and i went in and was trying them on, he said "come on let's go, you look shit in a hat." this was said in a joking tone, and when i said that's not very nice, did you mean that, he said ffs of course i didnt, i told you yesterday you looked great in one. maybe thats me being sensitive.
- i had a leak in my house and i was worried about what had happened to the flooring. he said he was sick of talking about it and that if he deems something not important/not an issue then he doesnt engage with someone about the issue. i said what if its something im worried about though - he said if he thinks it is nothing then he cant be arsed and that was just how he was. he seemed unhappy generally that day so maybe he didnt mean that and was just having a bad day.
- never apologised for anything ever. used to say his mum never apologised to his dad, this was apparently something to be proud of.
in the end i had so much resentment because if i ever questioned him on things he had said, he would instantly call me insecure, a drama queen and sensitive and tell me i was causing an argument. i definitely did get upset now and then, and looking back, if i had said nothing and just let these things go then we wouldnt have argued about such things. that is just a fact. and it makes me wonder if i do have issues where i am sensitive and a drama queen. there were times when i definitely did question him and how he felt, based on the little criticisms he made (at least i felt like he was being critical, and maybe he wasnt at all). i feel so confused by it all.
add to all of it, he did some lovely things. bought me things and was generous, could be comforting at times if he wanted to be. it makes me think it was therefore down to me. if i hadnt reacted to anything and just taken his comments as him trying to help, then we wouldnt have argued.
head is in a spin. need some brutal, honest advice so i know where i am going wrong in future.