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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship so bad baby 4 weeks old

79 replies

mummyd17 · 31/08/2018 14:02

Hi I'm new on here and not really sure what I'm asking for just someone to talk to I guess as I feel so low and lonely
I have a 4 week old baby and a partner who is awful to me I'm desperate to hold things together for the sake of our baby but there's more and more rules everyday that I have to stick to else he threatens to leave ....
I genuinely thought things would be better after we had the baby I feel so stupid they are worse than ever I can't enjoy the baby I feel so low and lied to the health visitor that I feel fine but I don't at all
He made my life a misery while I was pregnant to the point I ended up having a csection through anxiety that I'd have no one to support me in labour and couldn't go through it with him by my side as I've had awful labours in the past
Sorry if I'm ranting I just don't know what to do anymore I want to be able to enjoy these special days with my baby but all I do is cry atm
We havent registered baby's birth yet and all my friends keep warning me not to put him on the birth certificate and they are panicking me now as I need to get it done and running out of time
Thanks for listening and hopefully someone has some advice or just to chat would be great I feel very lonely and low

OP posts:

PremierNaps · 31/08/2018 14:04

If he makes you feel like shit every day why are you still with him? Not in a judgy way but if he threatens to leave then let him leave. You can enjoy baby and be happier.

Original poster

mummyd17 · 31/08/2018 14:07

I just really wanted a happy family for this baby and I know he will make my life awful if I say go on then leave he's made loads of threats of what he will do to try and screw me over if we broke up don't want to put them on here but he will as he's so spiteful
I can't keep up with how many rules there are now and keep breaking them not even meaning to as my heads so battered I just want peace to enjoy my baby but even saying go will leave all the threats hanging over me and I can't deal with the worry atm

OP posts:

heartsease68 · 31/08/2018 14:09

So sorry you're going through this. What a terrible time to have to think of leaving. It sounds like things aren't going to improve unless you make a decision though. I think you should listen to your friends as they know you best.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2018 14:09

You cannot reason at all with someone as abusive as your partner is so there is no point in trying. Staying for the sake of the child is also a very bad idea here too, it is for your child that you should make plans to leave this individual now rather than in say several years time. Your child cannot and must not grow up here thinking that dad's treatment of you as his/her mother is normal because it is not.

This man has not left and likely won't leave you readily because this works for him, he likes seeing you frightened and scared of him. It makes this truly inadequate person more powerful.

You may want to consider giving this child your surname rather than his. Do register the birth as soon as possible. Abuse like you describe thrives on secrecy, you have taken the first baby step out of this by writing about this on here. Use MN and other local based resources like your health visitor and GP also to help you leave this man.

Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and the Rights of Women rightsofwomen.org.uk/ are well worth contacting here and they will help you.

Rainbowqueeen · 31/08/2018 14:14

Your friends are right. Leave him off the birth certificate now while things are a bit volatile. You can always add him later.

It sounds really horrible and stressful. That's not good for anyone

Do you think that some time apart so you can really think about what you want and what is best for you would be a good idea.? Plenty of couples do this.

Having a baby is a time of huge adjustment and you are both in survival mode. But your baby is the most important thing right now. There is nothing to stop your partner being a great dad and being a positive force in your baby's life even if you are not together.

One day at a time but clearly something needs to change. It doesn't need to be a permanent change but some breathing space might be good

FusionChefGeoff · 31/08/2018 14:16

Have you got family / Friends you could talk to or could take you in if you left?

Twentyonesecondstogo · 31/08/2018 14:21

Tell your health visitor

Original poster

mummyd17 · 31/08/2018 14:45

My family all live very far away and all my friends hate him I don't want to admit to them how bad things are or the health visitor really .... unknown to me one of my friends called my midwife when I was pregnant and told her im being emotionally abused so I had to keep lying and saying everything's great everytime I saw her

OP posts:

Original poster

mummyd17 · 31/08/2018 14:48

No one needs to take me in I have my own house rented and he isn't on the tenancy agreement I'm sure everyone will now say oh that's great then tell him to piss off and never come back but it really isn't that easy he will make my life more he'll not here than when he is here to get me back

OP posts:

MrsMozart · 31/08/2018 14:48

Step away from him. You really want that for your child?

I don't think I'd put such a man's name on the birth certificate, certainly not for now.

NC4Now · 31/08/2018 14:52

OP I’m so sorry you are going through this. Speak to your HV. I first left my relationship when my youngest was 5 weeks. I won’t lie, it was hard, but staying was hard too, and it was better for the DCs to be away.
It took a few months to get everything sorted and my HV was a godsend during that time.
If he is threatening you, you can go to the police and they will protect you.

Helpmeyouyetti · 31/08/2018 14:55

You need to call the police after you kick him out and say he’s made threats and you’re worried for your safety.
He sounds unstable.
Do you have other dc ?

ems137 · 31/08/2018 14:57

If something escalated with his behaviour and police or social services are called then that decision will be taken away from you. You will be told to choose between your children and him. Make that decision now whilst it is still easy

Cawfee · 31/08/2018 14:59

Just tell him to leave, it’s your house. Bolt the doors, snuggle your baby and enjoy these newborn days. They are disappearing and you don’t get them back. Why are you letting him ruin this time for you?
Worry about the future once you’ve recovered your strength and you’ve had time to think.
This is just ridiculous!
Get rid. Right now. Put your name on the birth certificate. Leave him off. Ignore threats and let him do something. He can rant all he wants but what is he actually going to do? Get rid and get some rest and keep posting on here and we will help you deal with each threat/situation as it occurs. Do NOT let him take the baby without you there.
Alternatively, pack a bag and go stay with family for a few weeks. Call it a baby moon. Get some space!

HollowTalk · 31/08/2018 15:01

I think what you should do is to ask your friends to come to your house when he's not there and just say, "Please help me. This is what it's really like and I need help to deal with it."

You've such a new baby and you desperately need people who can be practical.

Justanothernameonthepage · 31/08/2018 15:03

Please tell your health visitor the truth. Tell your family the truth if you think they'll support you. Don't put him on the birth certificate. Have someone in the house if (and please do) you ask him to leave/go on a break.
He's made it clear you'll never be a happy family. He's abusive and he'll teach your baby that abuse is normal. Record everything. Dates/times. Read why does he do that.
Once he's out, after the initial shock, life will be so much brighter. You'll have more energy without the constant stress and be able to fight for your DC to be happy.

FusionChefGeoff · 31/08/2018 15:20

If all your friends hate him, guaranteed they will be thrilled to hear how awful it is and that you want out!! They are obviously desperate to help you eg phoning HV so let them!

You don't need to be strong or sort it out yourself.

All you need to do is ask for help.

HereIgoagainxx · 31/08/2018 15:38

I agree, call your friends. He's a bloody coward bullying a pregnant woman. You need to get him out of your life immediately. This has to stop. If you prefer, call the cops as well. You cannot have a happy family with the ahole. Please try and realise it will never be what you want it to be.

hellsbellsmelons · 31/08/2018 15:43

I'm desperate to hold things together for the sake of our baby
Your baby does NOT and should NOT be inflicted with an abusive bully for a father.
Put your baby first.
Get rid of this waste of space.
Get support around you if you can.
In future - LISTEN TO YOUR FRIENDS!!!!!
Abuse always ramps up during pregnancy and then once a baby is in the mix.
They think they have you trapped.
They think you won't end things.
But you can and you absolutely SHOULD.
Do not allow your baby to grow up in abusive environment.
Tell your HV.
Tell her you lied.
She's heard it all before and can help you get him gone!
Take responsibility for what you have done.
Do not allow it to get worse.

TopBitchoftheWitches · 31/08/2018 15:43

I agree, tell your health visitor, family and your trustworthy friends.

Also the police. It sounds as though he is emotionally abusing you, which is now a crime

Immigrantsong · 31/08/2018 15:50

You are a mum now and have a massive responsibility to your precious baby. Imagine your baby as an adult coming to you saying their partner was being abusive, what would you tell them to do? Now do it for yourself. Let your support network know and have someone there when you get rid of this abusive man. You and your baby deserve so much more. Go get it done now.

Thingsdogetbetter · 31/08/2018 15:56

Are you going to allow a little bit of embarrassment over admitting you were wrong force you to stay in hell? Really? Is saving face more important than you and your child's mental and physical health? Your friends already know, they know your lying when you say it's all fine. They are hanging on to the hope you will admit it's shite and reach out for help.

In the short term he will kick back. It will be horrible amd stressful, but it's horrible and stressful NOW. But long term you can get your life back. If you stay this will only get worse. Think of your dc. You need to stop keeping HIS secret. Tell your hv (they have experience in this, they won't be shocked, surprised or think less of you) ring woman's aid, contact your friends and family. He can threaten all he bloody likes, you have options and there is lots of support and protection you can access.

He will escalate if you stay! It will get worse.

At the moment he's not on birth cert and it's your home. That's a good position to be in. Soon that will change and you'll feel even more trapped.

Original poster

mummyd17 · 31/08/2018 17:23

I'm right to worry about the birth certificate thing then? I've been ignoring the problem as my heads too worried about both outcomes that I can't deal with thinking about it but I need to get baby registered soon

OP posts:

MrsMozart · 31/08/2018 18:15

If he's on it then he has parental rights.

If he isn't on it then you can take time to see if he's ever going to become a decent human being and deserve to be in yours and your child's lives.

Original poster

mummyd17 · 31/08/2018 18:36

He will go bloody nuts if I leave him off it or call baby my surname

OP posts:

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