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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship so bad baby 4 weeks old

79 replies

mummyd17 · 31/08/2018 14:02

Hi I'm new on here and not really sure what I'm asking for just someone to talk to I guess as I feel so low and lonely
I have a 4 week old baby and a partner who is awful to me I'm desperate to hold things together for the sake of our baby but there's more and more rules everyday that I have to stick to else he threatens to leave ....
I genuinely thought things would be better after we had the baby I feel so stupid they are worse than ever I can't enjoy the baby I feel so low and lied to the health visitor that I feel fine but I don't at all
He made my life a misery while I was pregnant to the point I ended up having a csection through anxiety that I'd have no one to support me in labour and couldn't go through it with him by my side as I've had awful labours in the past
Sorry if I'm ranting I just don't know what to do anymore I want to be able to enjoy these special days with my baby but all I do is cry atm
We havent registered baby's birth yet and all my friends keep warning me not to put him on the birth certificate and they are panicking me now as I need to get it done and running out of time
Thanks for listening and hopefully someone has some advice or just to chat would be great I feel very lonely and low

OP posts:
Original poster
mummyd17 · 31/08/2018 18:37

Don't really feel like I have much choice I don't want him to try making my life anymore difficult than it already is I'm about at the limit of what I can cope with and he's very spiteful with a long list of stuff he's thought up to get me back if I go against him

OP posts:
Rach000 · 31/08/2018 18:47

Sounds like you have some good friends. Get them to help you, tell them what is happening. Tell the health visitor as well.
Can you get the locks changed and ask him to leave? Or get the police involved if needed. If your friends are there to help you will be able to do it.

WittyFuck · 31/08/2018 18:50

You need to take charge here, unless your or your child’s safety is at risk. I am sorry but you don’t want him to go because you have an ideal vision of playing happy families. He will never create a happy family.
Stop covering up. Tell the midwife and your friends so they can support you.

Whatever he threatens, he can’t carry it out if he is not allowed near you. Has he done anything that makes you think he should claim parental rights for the baby.

You need to be really strong at exactly the time you feel weak. You will never have any peace until you get rid of this abusive man. Where are your other kids?

TheSheepofWallSt · 31/08/2018 18:51

You know what lovely, this is harsh but I think you need to hear it.

This man isn’t just bad for you. He’s bad for your child. All of this energy you’re using worrying about his abusive behaviour, should be going into you and your baby, and bonding.

This man won’t just try control you. He’ll try control your baby. He has rules? Babies don’t like rules- they don’t know what they are. They don’t follow them. What will he do when your baby isn’t compliant, one time too many?

Get him out and get him out now.

NotTakenUsername · 31/08/2018 18:51

he's very spiteful with a long list of stuff he's thought up to get me back if I go against him

Could you share some of these things so we could help you work out if they are rational or not?

My friend was stripper while she lived away at university. Her abusive ex told her he’d tell everyone her ‘dirty secret’ if she ever left.
No one believed him, he looked like a spiteful liar.

Original poster
mummyd17 · 31/08/2018 18:55

My other kids are here ... they really like him he's very sneaky like that everyone thinks he's a really good guy and he's painted me as neurotic a drama queen and needy I get horrible texts from his mum comparing me to his ex as he tells her stuff about me ( only ever one side obviously ) just feel at rock bottom getting it from all angles atm and scared what he will try and do out of spite if I even say I need some space as he doesn't want to go and stay back at his ( although he always threatens it ) as I provide a much more comfortable life for him here as his slave and paying for everything

OP posts:
BlueBell50 · 31/08/2018 18:55

Do not put him on the birth register unless you want to give him equal rights and responsibilities. Be strong. I’ve seen too many upset Mums trying to get Dad off the registration and it cannot be done. You can always add him later if your relationship improves.

spottybetty · 31/08/2018 18:59

It’s pointless trying to reason with some9ne as vile and selfish as your partner. Your friends are on side - your friend must have been so worried about you to ring your midwife! Tell people. Tell your midwife/health visitor, your parents. That gives your partner less power.

His rules for you sound really worrying. What kind of dad do you think he’ll be? He’ll be awful. He’ll c9ntrol the baby too and will lose his temper if it cries. You’ll be walking on eggshells 5he whole time.

Op, please please get away from him. Ring the police, change your locks, get this evil fucker away from you.

He hates you. He has no interest in being a good dad or partner.

spottybetty · 31/08/2018 19:00

Don’t let him stay! Call his bluff and tell him to go back to his? If you h@ve older kids, you’re setting a bloody awful example for them of how a relationship should be.

Original poster
mummyd17 · 31/08/2018 19:01

He says he will tell the tax office he's been living here when he hasn't but for various reasons I would find that very hArd to prove .... I'm too worried about putting why on here incase someone recognises me and tells him

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 31/08/2018 19:01

Get rid, get him out. You can't take him off birth certificate once he's on. If you want to put him on later you could. Just don't do it. Don't argue with him just put him out. If he turns nasty get legal, contact women's aid, police. Start your new life with kids, you don't need this crap

Bananalanacake · 31/08/2018 19:01

Why are you paying for everything. Does he work and pay towards your rent and bills.

Original poster
mummyd17 · 31/08/2018 19:05

Yes he works and no doesn't contribute towards bills or anything

OP posts:
Original poster
mummyd17 · 31/08/2018 19:05

As it's my house so in his eyes why should he

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 31/08/2018 19:10

Op if he stays a certain number of nights a week, does his laundry there etc then in the eyes of the tax office he does live there.
But how can he prove that? The onus is on him to prove it surely?

Understand your need and desire for privacy.

But is this it now? This is it for the rest of your life? He’s a bad man. If you get stung to return some money then you can work out a payment plan. This is not your fault. You’re friends can see it.

You will be believed by many. You can leave. You can do this.

deepsea · 31/08/2018 19:16

OP Call and tell your parents, then tell your friends and then call womens aid for support. Once everyone knows you will get the support you and the baby need.

How can you let this man near your tiny baby? How can you bear to let your baby grow around someone as spiteful and abusive as him?

Please do it for your baby if not for yourself. Find the strength to start telling those that are closest to you.

You are vulnerable, very vulnerable please call someone. Anyone and tell them the truth.

Original poster
mummyd17 · 31/08/2018 19:23

I don't know how I'd live and support my children If he gets my benefits stopped as my money from work has reduced due to being on mat leave
I don't want to say too much but to an outsider he would look like he could "prove" it but it wouldn't be true. .. it's very clever really and makes me wonder whether he planned this all along but then maybe I'm giving hI'm too much credit
He's been trying to get me to get him loans out in my name which luckily I haven't bit it's always a stick to beat me with that if I loved him and wanted to be a proper couple then I would as that's what partners do for each other if it's going to build a better future together .... I don't think it would tho I think he would take the money and run hence why I haven't

Baby's asleep now and my heads spinning with so many questions most of all if he hates me so much ( which he seems to ) then why doesn't he just go luke he always threatens to? He has sone where to go and the pull of a cooked meal instead of having to cook it himself surely can't be enough to keep him with me if I drive him as mad as he tells me daily I do .....
Sorry if I'm ranting as u can probably see my heads battered and time on my own to think/no one to speak to drives me mad over thinking everything

OP posts:
ChimesAtMidnight · 31/08/2018 19:25

Tell your friends; they will want to help. Tell your parents, and call Womens Aid. Do it now.
He will only get worse and is this really the life you want for yourself and your children ?
Please, please get help.

Original poster
mummyd17 · 31/08/2018 19:27

I have told my friends before I think they get sick of hearing it and me not doing anything about it but I don't know where to start it's all such a mess and can't think clearly
I don't want to burden them anymore hence y I thought going somewhere to chat annonymosly would be a better idea then I don't make them worry anymore than I already have as I feel very guilty about it

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 31/08/2018 19:28

He is terrified of losing control over you. But he DOES NOT LOVE YOU. He doesn’t know how to love.

He doesn’t leave because he is terrified of leaving or if you leaving him. Abusers are sad scared nasty little pricks. A bully. Bullies bully because they are petrified of being bullied.

He is vile. You’re never to old to go home to mum and/or dad and start again. He is vile.

Pacificwander · 31/08/2018 19:31

Your partner is abusive and that's all there is to it. Nothing you do or say,no hoops you jump through, no rules you follow will ever make him non abusive or less abusive.
His threats are abuse
His rules are abuse
You deserve better and so do your dc and your newborn.
This is not like living as all your doing is trying to manage an abusive man.
Let him leave and then you can start living.
The only way to escape his abuse is to refuse to put up with it. Show your dc that you are worth more than this poor excuse of a man

Thebluedog · 31/08/2018 19:35

You can have a happy life for your baby. ON YOUR OWN! Flowers

ChimesAtMidnight · 31/08/2018 19:40

Your friends will just be glad that you have finally seen him for what he is and they will be more than happy to help you. You won't be burdening them - call them and get some practical as well as moral support.

hayli · 31/08/2018 19:45

Op could you decide a on a day and time when you will tell him to leave? And hqve friends over for support. Even police would help you make him leave. You cannot live like this. This vile human has taken every advantage of you. Living in your house and not paying towards anything emotionally abusing you at such a delicate moment. Plz get help from your friends to het rid of him.
This can turn even worse (actually i gurantee it) the longer you leave it. Please you have such a young baby and other dc you cannot be living like this.
He is threatening you because he knows youre in fear. Kick him out and get the police involved.

DianaT1969 · 31/08/2018 19:46

Take the risk on the benefits situation OP.
Sometimes in life you have to gamble for the future (leave one job for another, move to a new area where you don't have friends...etc).
This is your time to be brave and say 'whatever happens I'm going to be OK, because my children and my life are worth more than this hateful man who is poisoning my home'.
Give him the number of the tax office on a piece of paper and tell him to bring it on. Because you already told the police that you have an abusive stalker making threats.
Have your friends with you when you do it.
Change the locks, block his number and definitely don't put his name your child's birth certificate. He isn't worthy to come near your child.