Relationship so bad baby 4 weeks old

[mummyd17]

Hi I'm new on here and not really sure what I'm asking for just someone to talk to I guess as I feel so low and lonely
I have a 4 week old baby and a partner who is awful to me I'm desperate to hold things together for the sake of our baby but there's more and more rules everyday that I have to stick to else he threatens to leave ....
I genuinely thought things would be better after we had the baby I feel so stupid they are worse than ever I can't enjoy the baby I feel so low and lied to the health visitor that I feel fine but I don't at all
He made my life a misery while I was pregnant to the point I ended up having a csection through anxiety that I'd have no one to support me in labour and couldn't go through it with him by my side as I've had awful labours in the past
Sorry if I'm ranting I just don't know what to do anymore I want to be able to enjoy these special days with my baby but all I do is cry atm
We havent registered baby's birth yet and all my friends keep warning me not to put him on the birth certificate and they are panicking me now as I need to get it done and running out of time
Thanks for listening and hopefully someone has some advice or just to chat would be great I feel very lonely and low

All you have to do is change your locks and tell him to leave. Have some male friends round at yours in case he kicks off. Ring the police. tell them all this,. Thjey will be able to help. Bet he won't be such a bully when faced with the pollice instead of you.

It's up to him to prrove he was living at yours re the tax office. He's just using that as a stick to beat you with.

You can say he never paid you a penny torwrds bills etc, therefore how could he be living with you, as a normal person would share your bills!

For the good of your kids, and you, op, get rid of this tosser.

Changing the lock is an interesting idea. How can he possibly live somewhere if he doesn’t have a key?

And return his stuff to his mothers on the same day.
How can he live somewhere if he has no stuff there...?

Does he have any mail delivered to the address?

Please ask your HV to help you. Tell your friends the whole truth. Tell your parents. Give Women's Aid a call,
Tell them all that you're frightened of the repercussions, And at you're struggling to gather the strength to deal with this.
You can do this. You will be happier once you've got the ball rolling. You can go to CAB to get hel over the benefits situation. Don't forget he'll owe you child support.

You sound lovely but scared. Don't be scared, be brave xxx

No to any mail delivered to my address .... nI thing of his name is registered to my address at all as he has his own place bur hates staying there
The key idea is something I hadn't thought of ... he hasnt ( to my knowledge ) or ever has had a key to my house and never actually pushed for one as I'm in all the time anyway with the children I never go anywhere
Yrs ago I had a boyfriend who used to stay occasionally and I mean occasionally stay over as relationship was new so only did it when kids at thier dad's ... we has an argument with my old nasty neighbour one night and he reported me saying said boyfriend lived with me.... my benefits were stopped while they did an investigation and was all on me to prove he didn't live with me ... luckily when the investigator person turned up boyfriend was here but with his overnight bag still in the hall ... the accusation got quashed but took weeks to get my claim back into payment and I really struggled to feed my kids during this time
He knows all this and is using it against me now as I'm scared of it happening again

You will be doing a much better thing for your baby if you throw this man out and block him from any further contact with you. Let your friends and family help keep him at a distance. Don't put him on the birth certificate. With any luck he will just go away, though if he does start to pester for access then a) set the CSA on him for money and b) make it difficult for him: supervised access only and it stops if his abusive behaviour continues.

It is not in a child's best interest to have contact with an abusive man. What the man wants does not matter.

You can always tell tax office you have been in an abusive relationship and you have been terrified to tell him he has to go back to his house...Call Women's Aid and talk to them about this and then you will have PHONECALL LOGS which Women's Aid will send you to prove you have spoken to them about this - he will not find out you have spoken to them, they will not call the police ...they are just an anonymous service to help you get your head straight - they will give you advice but they will not force you to do anything. If he tries to tell tax office he has been living with you - tell them you are terrified of all his rules and you haven't been able to ask him to leave as he has threatened you. You know the posters on the back of Women's toilet doors that have a helpline for those suffering domestic abuse and too scared to leave (for fear of how he will make their life hell) - These posters are for people like you darling. Please use the help out there - it is all very discreet and he will not know. You will not get in trouble. Please please protect your babies from this manipulative bully. You will have Women's Aid Call Record and Friend's report to the Midwife to prove that there was concern that he was trapping you to live in your house and sponge off you...keeping you scared and trapped. Show them this thread. You will then have PLENTY of proof to show he has blackmailed you and trapped you. This is a tactic of abusers...they make you feel helpless and you can't think straight..they think you can only survive if you do what they want. Please use help available call Women's Aid I promise nothing bad will happen -- 0808 2000 247 please please please for your babies. You will not get in trouble. You are the victim here and as soon as you speak out and tell the truth you will be protected - do it now. Have friends come stay with you and tell them once and for all you want to leave him and you need help. He will not do anything with witnesses present.

If he doesn't have a key...next time he comes - DON'T LET HIM IN. If he bangs on the door - don't be scared it will be temporary - just call the police and say you are terrified of this man and he has been abusive to you and you are trying to be strong and not let him in but he is battering the door...and they will come and protect you !!

Don't be scared - benefits are for vulnerable people like you. Even thought the benefits officers people seem scary they are REAL PEOPLE and you have real evidence that he is not living there. They will see a spiteful fake accusation a mile off. Especially if you have Women's Aid Call logs (You can request they email them to you or post them to you - once he's safely out of your house of course) and you can show these to prove your situation. Sadly vulnerable ladies can end up in abusive relationships and you will be fine without him. You will get more money to help feed your kids because you will go through Child Maintenance Service to get money from him for child support. Also if you have to wait to register the baby until after this is sorted they will understand - in special circumstances I'm sure you can do a late registration -again you can explain all this Don't be ashamed - wait to register baby - go with a friend - leave his name off - use YOUR surname - until you are safe and he is safely out of your house - restraining order or police will caution him to stay away from you if he keeps trying to come to your house when you have locked him out....This sounds like an emergency situation and you sound terrified. PLease update to let us know you're ok and honestly this will all turn out for the best for you and your kids and he will not be able to get to you if you use the support out there to protect yourself.

-- Next time he goes out close and lock the door - invite a friend round - then call the Police and tell them what you have done that you are terrified of him coming back in your house - and that you expect he will come back to the property and try and gain entry.

-- Thenn call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 when he is out and door is closed. Keep ringing until you get to speak to someone.

These are your two main actions. It will all work out.

I know my messages and some of the messages here sound dramatic probably and you are scared to rock the boat...I have been there trust me...you will make all sort of excuses in your head for him "He's a good guy sometimes..everyone else thinks he's great..no one will believe me" etc. This is what he has conditioned you to believe. It is not true. We can see the situation for what it is - you are living in fear.

And you will make all sort of excuses to yourself for why you can't lock him out or why you can't tell people - this is part of what the abuse does to people. Don't put it off...it seems scary but you will feel calm and safe once he is out of your life. And your baby will get the benefits. You will then be able to relax and bond with your baby. Just take one step at a time... good luck and message here if you need to !

Faluah thank u for understanding the mental gymnastics going on its like uve read my mind with ( some of ) my worries bur sadly it's more likely u have been there yourself or its just "textbook" he's here tonight and turned up all hearts and roses let's have a nice night etc I can barely look at him and am sat in the other room while he watches tv and cuddles the baby pretending to be the doting father I don't want to be party to watching it I have the day tomorrow alone with my baby and I'll just look forward to that
We were just watching big brother and discussing a certain footballer on it who's lack of morals disgust me to which he agreed....clearly irony is a concept totally lost on him
He is calm tho he's done what he wanted tonight I haven't made a fuss and he's prob a bit shocked I haven't been the "needy pathetic cow" he tells me I am while he was out
I'm out myself tomorrow night so far he hasn't kicked off about it and am looking forward to the break in the evening and a day without him just with my baby while he's busy tomorrow and older kids at thier dad's
I'm just gonna try and avoid much conversation tonight and just go to bed soon
Will be back on in the morning I really do appreciate u all chatting to me it really helps even tho I seem to be crap at being string

Strong not string!

Yeah I understand the mental gymnastics because I have been there..and it is textbook. Enjoy time with your baby tomorrow....I would not go out and leave baby with him she's only 4 weeks ... then it will not exactly look like you are scared of him or treated badly by him...If anyone questions you they will say well if you were so scared of him why did you leave him with the baby alone...honestly this is what they did to me in court. Please just prioritise...going out is not your priority...at least get a friend to look after baby ? Say to him oh don't worry so and so will babysit so you can go out again too.... I know it's hard to remember the horrible times when he is being all nice and normal...but this is how they get you...give you breadcrumbs of Mr Nice Guy so you are always trying to get back to that fantasy when you overstep some imaginary rule and get his back up..... thinking oh if I just act different of be more patient with him or not nag him or be this or that...then he will go back to being nice...it was my fault I made him annoyed etc. This is all a cycle and a loop. Don't stay in this dynamic just for an easy life. I know it's scary to rock the boat and break the status quo...but you are setting up a very toxic dynamic for your little baby and your older children to see their Mum scared, confused, upset, belittled, controlled by a man - if you accept this they will think it is normal and maybe choose an abusive relationship like this when they are older too.... if you're daughter came to you with this problem..a man treating her this way what advice would you give her ? Trust me I have been there - I had the Mumsnet thread with the same advice - to inform SS and police - try and get Non molestation order etc - I was still in denial and protecting him and the fantasy in my head to some degree and all their suggestions seemed really dramatic and I didn't think I could actually do any of those steps in real life, every time i saw a tiny light at end of the tunnel in him being nice that was enough to suck me back in and you almost go into this lazy state like nahh im comfortable here now I don't wanna do the crazy dramatic thing and cause a scene - but you need to take drastic action to get out of this toxic dynamic for your kids. You don't need him. 3 years down the line and I wish I'd got the non molestation order right away/ confided in someone in real life eg Health Visitor...because then there would have been a record and he wouldn't have been able to lie and screw me over in court trying to take away my daughter. Now she has to go to him half the time and I miss her so much....and I know he has a temper on him but can't prove it and she has to deal with it all alone. And he's so clever I'm sure he can hide it most of the time. All because I thought the Mumsnet advice was too dramatic for my situation..because I thought oh it'll be ok...I won't have to move out of my comfort zone....Wish to God I had. That is why I am giving you this advice now as urgent. Every time you leave him alone with baby...you are making your experience less believable...people won't trust you or they will think you have put your baby at risk if you explain he is scary and controlling you but you are fine to go out for the night and leave 4 week old baby. Just think how this can look to others....be honest with yourself and with others and don't stick your head in the sand. I'm sure you need a break /night off but surely there is a better way that leaving baby with him? She is only 4 weeks and you are dealing with feeling very low etc... can you get friends to come round to your in the evening for girly evening with baby and they can hold her whlst you relax and chat ? Get him to go out again with his friends. Then talk to your friends about all this...please and ask them to help you actually get him out of your house or have strength to talk to HV./Police to warn them that he could get volatile.... Keep the door closed and don't let him in. YOu are vunerable and that tiny 4 week old baby is vulnerable to a controlling and temperamental abusive man who's temper could flip if you don't do what he wants.....Not normal and not safe. xxx

Sorry I'm assuming baby is a she...you haven't mentioned if it's a boy or girl....maybe as well like you've said you've not been able to bond.... its literally only 4 weeks since you gave birth you really should be being cherished and looked after and feeling safe, calm and relaxed for the best development for the baby - happy mum, happy baby etc. You need to be emotionally available for the baby. Not wrapped up in what that bloke is doing and on edge all the time. Don't miss out on this time with baby xx

This man is trying to control you. Start laying the ground now re getting it made official that he is abusing you. You will need to get rid of him one day anyway, so having told your friends, the HV, your Dr etc will show this has been a problem for a long time.
Stop worrying about what he may or may not do and start making a plan to ditch this loser.

Please ring women's aid. They will be able to help you plan. Don't think that this guy is anything they haven't seen before. They have come across thousands of abusive men. When your head is such a mess thwy can help you sort things out and let you know your rights. Keep calling them even if you can't get through. You are being emotionally abused which is actually a crime now. He can threaten all he wants but women's aid will see through his pack of lies. Be strong for your baby op. They need you to see this through.

Quite simply, do you wavy this man to raise your children?

Please DON'T put him on birth certificate. Worst decision i ever made regarding my ex who now has legal rights but takes no responsibility and hasn't seen his son nor contributed in anyway for nearly 5 years! By all means allow him to have contact if you feel he is safe enough to be around your child. Leaving is the hardest part, after that you will realise it was the best thing to do. Staying with him will only make your children's childhoods miserable.

Mine is exactly the same , i felt like that so much that i started to resent my baby. Right now hes being an arrogant prick cz he believes hes always right. I regret getting into a relationship with him i should have got to know him better first. He would charm all the health visitors when theyd come tp visit baby, HVs would always say hed such a doting dad , but theyd never believe what an utter bastard he is.

WOMAN'S AID

WOMAN'S AID

WOMAN'S AID!

They will HELP you. They will SUPPORT you. They will explain the options you have. They will help with the benefit forms and claims. They can get the Police to help you.

This will all be evidence to the Benefit office of your claims.

And NO DON'T PUT HIM ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE!

How are you doing mummyd17 ???

Hi sorry I haven't been back to reply I dropped my phone in the bath and have been without one for days
I didn't go out the other night like you all said didn't want to leave baby with him
He's been ok ish think he's probably hanging on till after he's on the birth certificate to start again
I called the health visitor today and burst into tears saying I just want to enjoy my baby with no drama she's coming to see me next week I'm scared now she will think I'm a bad mum
He keeps telling me I have pnd so I've tried to do something to help by telling health visitor how I feel and he went mad saying he bets I'm gonna tell her it's all coz of him and paint him to be a bad partner and dad
I don't even know what to say to health visitor when she comes now

Tell your HV exactly what you have told us.
If you don't want to say it out loud then just show her this thread.
She can then help you.

Awful situation.

If he's not on the birth certificate, then he won't have to pay diddly squat in child support...

Says a lot that he is scared that you will tell the HV the truth about him, and it is the truth, no painting him to be abusive is necessary, he is abusive. I honestly would hand your phone to HV and let her read this thread, she won’t think you’re a bad mum, she will just want to help you