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Original poster

Emails for sex

96 replies

Mumof2two · 30/08/2018 00:18

New to this.

I recently found a made up email account my fiance created. In the account there are emails to 10 or so different women dating back to 2 years ago. They aren't women he knows, just people he has made contact with through online sites. Basically the emails are asking for no strings, casual sex due to being in a relationship.

Judging from the emails, most have been unanswered or went any further than messages. He has also said outright that it never went further.

I have been with him nearly a decade and had no susicpions at all so im in shock.

Unsure what to do.

OP posts:
DaddyKnight · 30/08/2018 03:00

Men are funny beings, I should know, as I am one.Smile

Sometimes, we just need to feel attractive to new people, so these may just be no more than some internet flirting. Sometimes we feel that we just want to make contact with more people - there are more sex websites than sites for just making friends.

If there has been no recent posts, and you can forgive him this time, maybe best to just ignore it. Otherwise, why don't you talk to him - but confrontations and demands might have the opposite affect. As the best way to stop something is to encourage it, why not say that he can "look but not touch" that is he can flirt all he likes, as long as he doesn't actually have sex. That would remove the excitement and appeal of it for him. But I can understand that this is very hard for you.

Baumederose · 30/08/2018 03:05

Man are not funny beings. They're idiots in the main.

Just get rid of him.

Don't listen to the shit advice from a man above.

Men are not entitled to behave like that unless you have an open or polyamorous relationship where it's all agreed up front. This is just deceitful lying arsehole behaviour.

Vitalogy · 30/08/2018 03:07

Men are funny beings, I should know, as I am one. There's nothing funny about it whatsoever. What a dismissive comment.

It'd be the finish of the relationship for me.

ItIsOkItIsASecret · 30/08/2018 03:22

Men are not funny things; some of them are disrespectful and sexually incontinent.

I ended my marriage upon discovering similar. I have no idea whether or not he ever made contact or was unfaithful as all i discovered, quite by accident, was an account and a profile on a no strings sex website. I couldn't see any emails, just accounts he'd looked at.

I ended it immediately. I didn't even ask whether he'd made contact or met anyone. He'd not treated me with the respect i afforded to him and I knew I'd never trust him again and I'm not prepared to live like that.

tillytown · 30/08/2018 03:37

Get a STD check, whether you believe him or not, your health comes first.

sadiesnakes · 30/08/2018 05:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Soulqueen · 30/08/2018 05:49

Ignore it? Let him look not touch? Don’t be ridiculous.

1Skittles8 · 30/08/2018 06:31

I'd ignore the first response from the guys perspective.
I'm a guy and i wouldn't behave this way, especially towards someone i truly loved and wanted to spend my life with.
You should be enough for him and im almost certain that if roles were reversed your friance would have a major problem with this.
What to do now? It's tricky because to your knowledge he hasnt actually physically cheated. I imagine some of the trust is gone and that's a horrible feeling i know. Don't think that his behaviour towards other women, even from behind a keyboard is a bit of harmless fun.

alvinp · 30/08/2018 06:48

@DaddyKnight wtaf?

You're on your own with that male perspective, mate.

NynaeveSedai · 30/08/2018 06:58

@daddyknight there is nothing 'funny' about trying to cheat on your partner. Wtaf is wrong with you?

Bettalife · 30/08/2018 07:08

I ended my marriage for this reason. He claims he never actually met up with anyone, but he was definitely having webcam relations and sharing explicit pics and videos.
It's not just the cyber cheating - it's the lies and deceit that meant all trust had gone. The emails spanned more than a decade and I realised I never really knew him at all and our marriage was based on lies.
Good luck op in whatever you decide to do.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 30/08/2018 07:16

@daddyknight stop trying to minimise his behaviour. Men are not 'funny beings' any more than women are. This particular man has cheated on his wife which is unacceptable behaviour plain and simple.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 30/08/2018 07:19

That would be the end for me for sure. men are funny beings

I don’t if that’s more insulting to women who are meant to accept that (because we never, ever have any wish to feel attractive to new people Hmm) or to the men who manage to behave perfectly well.

Sunflowerr · 30/08/2018 07:28

@DaddyKnight your response made me actually laugh out loud. Give him permission as a means to making him stop 😂😂 unreal.

Original poster
Mumof2two · 30/08/2018 08:12

Thanks for all the replies.. its such a difficult one because on one hand we have kids together and I cant say he actually physically cheated(Not that that matters).. the last email was sent dec 2017 and shortly after we booked are wedding and are now getting married in a few months. First email sent 2 or 3 weeks after our youngest was born.

I know he would have plenty of opportunity to meet up with women due to his work. I never suspected the emails so who knows what else has happened I don't know about.

Ahhhh.

OP posts:
Sunflowerr · 30/08/2018 08:24

OP I wouldn't be marrying this man, what he's done isn't easy to forgive you don't need the pressure of a wedding making you rush your decision.

It looks like nothing physical happened due to lack of opportunity more so than anything else.

Original poster
Mumof2two · 30/08/2018 08:30

Yeah his excuses sounded more like he didn't because lack of opportunity too. Guess I'll not know for sure. Have to say I am definitely struggling with the whole thing. Will he do it again and be smarter about it etc. Nightmare.

OP posts:
WeAreAllScientists · 30/08/2018 08:43

He was actively looking for sex outside of the relationship, that's disrespectful, despicable and deceitful to you. That is not a loving partner.
For me being cheated on is lying and deceit not just physical intimacy, it's the overall betrayal and double life they're leading.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Thanks

NadiaLeon · 30/08/2018 08:48

Without more proof or REAL infidelity, you owe it to your children not o break up with him. Don't make them children from a broken home on a hunch. Get evidence first.

wildewillow · 30/08/2018 08:52

Bin him off!

What he did to you was wrong!

The same thing happened to me and i got rid and it was the best thing I ever did!

Original poster
Mumof2two · 30/08/2018 09:03

Such a crappy position to be in 😟

OP posts:
1Skittles8 · 30/08/2018 09:08

Tell him youre not happy and mention about postponing/calling off the engagement. See how he reacts, hopefully he'll go all out to ease your fears and again make you the most special girl in the world. Make clear also that his past behaviour will never be acceptable, to you nor any decent woman out there.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 30/08/2018 09:11

@nadia what if , due to what most people would consider infidelity, the OP no longer loves her partner. She owes it to herself to be happy and in a relationship with someone who respects her.
Sending messages to other women just weeks after she gave birth to his child is disgraceful.
If this relationship breaks down it's all on him not her. Your guilt trip is severely misplaced.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 30/08/2018 09:14

Op this is a crappy position to be in. Are you sure it stopped when it did. Have you checked his phone? Stuff like this used to happen via email but is more likely to be over WhatsApp or Kik nowadays.

Only you know if you believe him and if you consider what he did cheating. Don't feel pressured to get married - it may be wise to postpone in the short term while you figure out what's best for you and your family.

Original poster
Mumof2two · 30/08/2018 09:17

@1skittles8 we chatted about the whole thing when I found the emails, I told him i wanted complete honesty, he then came clean about silly things. He then just said if I was to move on then I couldn't bring it up again because he felt so guilty. In terms of making me feel special there isnt anything he could do because he treats me so well every single day (believe it or not). Other than that he has went back to normal and acting like nothing has happened.

OP posts:
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