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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emails for sex

96 replies

Mumof2two · 30/08/2018 00:18

New to this.

I recently found a made up email account my fiance created. In the account there are emails to 10 or so different women dating back to 2 years ago. They aren't women he knows, just people he has made contact with through online sites. Basically the emails are asking for no strings, casual sex due to being in a relationship.

Judging from the emails, most have been unanswered or went any further than messages. He has also said outright that it never went further.

I have been with him nearly a decade and had no susicpions at all so im in shock.

Unsure what to do.

OP posts:
Imnotsurprisedreally · 30/08/2018 11:58

He doesn't seem to grasp what he's done at all if he's putting down conditions about what you're permitted to discuss in future. I'd take a big step back from this one, tell him he's broken your trust and give yourself some thinking time.

DaddyShite - what the fuck are you on about?

Original poster
Mumof2two · 30/08/2018 12:02

Everything everyone is saying is exactly my thoughts.. its the advice id be giving to someone if they were in my shoes. I had spoke to a friend and her advice was to work through it, some men feel pushed out once a baby is born 😂 made me laugh.

I'm sure I will figure it out.. hope so anyway.

OP posts:
FlamingoLass · 30/08/2018 12:06

He then just said if I was to move on then I couldn't bring it up again because he felt so guilty

Ooooooh fuck no, that ain't remorse. It's frightening to think you are marrying this man. It's not just a celebration of love (?) , its so many legal and financial ties.

Dec 2017 is 9 months ago. It's not ages. What you found may well be the tip of the iceberg. For a start, where is he getting these emails addresses from in the first place?

Original poster
Mumof2two · 30/08/2018 12:08

Craigslist for the first ones sentand some other site i cant remember what it was called.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 30/08/2018 12:12

So he’s not really apologetic , it’s not about you and you’re not allowed to talk about it? When does it get about you? When they make arrangements to meet ,when money changes hands, when he has physical or sexual contact? See how unreasonable these questions are? Not being allowed to talk about it would do it for me. He emailed women over 2 years, how long has his royal self decided you get to angst over it? Days?

iklboo · 30/08/2018 12:13

Ho, ho. Those men are such scamps aren't they? Surely you should just ruffle his hair, affectionate punch on the shoulder - maybe offer to help him search for somebody he'd like. I mean, he can't help it can he? He's just a wickle man who needs to be wuvved and worshipped Hmm

FlamingoLass · 30/08/2018 12:14

Craigslist for the first ones sentand some other site i cant remember what it was called

Eeeeeeee. i get you might be carried up in all the wedding excitement but you need to get to the very bottom of this. I'd honestly postpone it.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 30/08/2018 12:14

I believe that Craigs list removed their “casual encounters” ads. I’ll check when...

Looks like March this year. Does it look like he had stopped before then?

I would be really concerned that there is another account/phone etc. This sort of behaviour so rarely stops.

Dad28 · 30/08/2018 12:15

I have to admit it always makes me laugh when I see people on here say dump him straight away about almost any issue whether trivial or not.

All that being said anyway you look at it he has betrayed your trust hugely, is he aware that you have discovered this ? Its up to you to decide firstly whether you can see a future with him after this and/or what could be said by him to make you decide one way or the other. If you haven’t discussed it with him I’d strongly recommend you do ASAP as even if you can see the two of you getting past this there will always be a cloud in the back of your mind. Once you have a talk then possibly you may be in a better position to evaluate your options and consider how you want to move forward with or without your partner.

I’m sorry your dealing with this.

MarthasGinYard · 30/08/2018 12:22

When I experienced similar years ago Op I found emails from Craigslist too and Adult Friend finder which I believe has many guises.

I'm sorry for what you are experiencing his minimising is text bookThanks

cakecakecheese · 30/08/2018 12:23

Her advice was to work through it, some men feel pushed out once a baby is born

But some men can manage not to feel 'pushed out' by a child that is half their responsibility and can manage to refrain from seeking out sex with other women.

Storm4star · 30/08/2018 12:25

I have to admit it always makes me laugh when I see people on here say dump him straight away about almost any issue whether trivial or not

Well firstly this isn't trivial at all. And yes people will say to dump someone over various issues because we've moved past the times where people felt they had to stay in unhappy and/or abusive relationships. You also clearly haven't RTFT as she has tried to talk to him and he's refusing to discuss it!

Original poster
Mumof2two · 30/08/2018 12:25

@Namechangeforthiscancershit the first emails from 2016 where craigslist by the looks of it.

@Dad28 its been discussed and I've asked all that I need to but I just don't know... theres just something lingering in my mind......not sure what to think

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 30/08/2018 12:29

What is the trivial issue here?

Lovemelikeimfabulous · 30/08/2018 12:35

OP you sound very relaxed about this and it looks like you’re going to forgive him. When this happened to me I was utterly devastated

Storm4star · 30/08/2018 12:41

OP he was looking for sex behind your back. Not sure what you can think about that! No one does that just for "fun" with zero intention of going through with it.

I understand the not wanting to end the relationship. The wanting to believe he would never have acted on it. The wanting to only see his "good" side and convince yourself that this was some sort of minor blip in your relationship. Many people have been there before you, and will be there after you!

You have to consider the worst case scenario. If you let this go and bury your head in the sand he will do it again, you know that. People do stay with unfaithful partners and decide that the relationship as a whole is worth that sacrifice. Not something I would do, but it's their decision to make. If you do decide to go ahead and marry him, you have to do so knowing there is a high chance he won't be faithful. You then have to decide whether that's something you can live with.

Original poster
Mumof2two · 30/08/2018 12:43

@Lovemelikeimfabulous im in an absolute state over it... I wish I knew for certain what all has went on so I can make a decision that I know I wont 100% regret, especially as theres kids involved.

OP posts:
Dad28 · 30/08/2018 12:46

@namechangeforthiscancershit no nothing is trivial here to be honest I mean I’ve seen a lot of threads where it will be trivial like unwashed dishes and first reaction is leave him.

Ok @mumof2two I don’t agree with him saying that you can’t bring it up that sounds like his trying to minimise his actions. That being said if you do decide you want to try again you will have to try and get past it as you can’t continue questioning your relationship long term as this will only lead to unhappiness for all involved. I think the real question you need to ask now is can you ever see yourself trusting him again ? If not then I think you have your answer.

Joysmum · 30/08/2018 12:49

You’re not going to know for certain or be anywhere close to comfortable in living with this before your wedding so I’d advise you to postpone rather than being trapped further.

Lovemelikeimfabulous · 30/08/2018 12:50

Flowers I’m really sorry. Yes I was glad I found absolute evidence although it was extremely painful. I misinterpreted your laughing emoji when you said what your friend said about baby and feeling neglected

delphguelph · 30/08/2018 12:50

If one of the women would have said yes, what do you think he would have done?

Hmm

DaddyKnight

^^
Priceless, truly.

Lovemelikeimfabulous · 30/08/2018 12:52

I found emails ten years ago. He minimised, I stayed. Two years ago I found out he’d been seeing prostitutes for the last 20 years, I left.

Original poster
Mumof2two · 30/08/2018 12:56

@Lovemelikeimfabulous omg I'm so sorry to hear that. I know I need to leave. So hard though. I think im looking for excuses to stay tbh.😢

OP posts:
delphguelph · 30/08/2018 12:57

Has there been anything else to indicate unfaithfulness?

Original poster
Mumof2two · 30/08/2018 13:03

@delphguelph nope no suspicions at all.. years ago when we first got together I suspected he had cheated - found he had been ringing a friend of his hours on end when I wasnt home and he called me her name while drunk. Said it was a mistake I believed him she blocked him on everything few months later not sure the full reasons why.. I believed him when he said it was innocent though, and it was years and years ago so had well moved on from it.. didnt seem like a big deal although my mind is in over drive overthinking everything now.

OP posts: