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Original poster

Emails for sex

96 replies

Mumof2two · 30/08/2018 00:18

New to this.

I recently found a made up email account my fiance created. In the account there are emails to 10 or so different women dating back to 2 years ago. They aren't women he knows, just people he has made contact with through online sites. Basically the emails are asking for no strings, casual sex due to being in a relationship.

Judging from the emails, most have been unanswered or went any further than messages. He has also said outright that it never went further.

I have been with him nearly a decade and had no susicpions at all so im in shock.

Unsure what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof2two · 30/08/2018 09:22

@blaablaablaa yes im pretty certain, theres no emails in his phone, or strange numbers in the phone bill.. he did say when we chatted he would bring me to his work to check if there was asecond phone in his desk which I never even mentioned and found very specific but I took it in a jokey sense. I Don't know if I 100% believe he didn't , but I 100% trusted him before and then this has came out.

OP posts:
cakecakecheese · 30/08/2018 09:23

What the hell? 'funny creatures', 'real infidelity'?? Is there some sort of weird Mumsnet twilight zone today?

Anyway like the more sensible posters have said, he may not have actually physically cheated (although he very well could have done) but the intent was there and if one of the recipients of these charming messages had been more forthcoming he probably would have done it.

Like others have said the trust has gone and that can be very difficult to come back from. How is he being with you now? Is he open to showing you his phone etc? Is he minimising/blaming you?

cakecakecheese · 30/08/2018 09:25

Oh we cross posted. The not bringing it up again thing is something you absolutely should not agree to. Oh boo hoo he feels guilty. You can't be expected to just forget it, not talking about it will lead you to bottle things up.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 30/08/2018 09:26

Messages on Whatsapp don't show up on your bill and Kik just uses a username and no number. People who used these sites moved from email to apps like Kik because they offer more anonymity and are easy to hide.

NomsQualityStreets · 30/08/2018 09:28

He then just said if I was to move on then I couldn't bring it up again because he felt so guilty

Sorry but this has made me Angry on your behalf. I doubt that would be his attitude if the shoe was on the other foot.
He's basically saying "I deliberately did something that hurt you but don't have enough respect and don't give a shit about talking about your hurt and feelings so please don't talk about it or bring it up as poor me just feels too guilty and just want to act as if nothing ever happened because that's the easy option for me"

Original poster
Mumof2two · 30/08/2018 09:28

@cakecakecheese hes being just his normal self - which is him being nice. He never hid his phone to begin with. And not blaming me as such, just saying if I can't let it go then that's up to me but he's sorry and it wasn't going to go further and most of the messages he forgot about. Said he was the one with the problem, it was nothing to do with me😕

OP posts:
stevesmithsmum · 30/08/2018 09:28

Men are funny beings, I should know, as I am one

Stupid comment. It’s got nothing to do with gender and everything to do with individual choices. In this case, shit choices by the op's partner.

Baumederose. Man are not funny beings. They're idiots in the main

Another stupid comment.

Original poster
Mumof2two · 30/08/2018 09:29

Is kik an online thing or an app? I havent a clue.. he definitekt didn't have this app if so!

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 30/08/2018 09:31

'he did say when we chatted he would bring me to his work to check if there was asecond phone in his desk which I never even mentioned and found very specific but I took it in a jokey sense.'

He's moved that now

ohamIreally · 30/08/2018 09:35

Yes it's probably in his car.

Original poster
Mumof2two · 30/08/2018 09:37

@ohamlreally definitely nothing in the car..first place I went

OP posts:
BlaaBlaaBlaa · 30/08/2018 09:45

Kik is an app but easily deleted and hidden. You use a username not a phone number.
I suspect he has a second phone which he's hiding. Don't let him shut you down - if you want to talk about it that's fine. You deserve answers.

MarthasGinYard · 30/08/2018 09:46

Probably long gone

He will have hidden everything under Stones now as he knows you are onto him.

Original poster
Mumof2two · 30/08/2018 09:49

@blaablaablaa ah i had no clue about that 😳 they make it so easy for people to cheat now.

OP posts:
cakecakecheese · 30/08/2018 09:52

I suppose it's good that he's not blaming you but has he said why he felt the need to jeopardise his future marriage over random hook-ups? And did the urge to do so just suddenly stop then?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 30/08/2018 09:52

I couldn't bring it up again because he felt so guilty

This gets a massive WTF from me. He feels guilty because of his choices. He can not dictate how you should react.

Original poster
Mumof2two · 30/08/2018 10:00

@cakecakecheese he never thought he would get caught I suppose so if i was never to find out then he wasnt going to lose me? Thats what im assuming anyway. Just keeps saying he wouldnt have actually went through with anything.

Yeah im wondering why it suddenly stopped. First emails where in dec 16 they go on for a few short weeks then stopped until dec 17 when hes emailing different ones but them obviously it stops again. So I think thats the part im really stuck at.. why start something leave it a year try again and then leave it... it looks like the email was completely untouched before the dec 17 ones as he has an email to recover his password.. which is actually how i found out about it.. never thought anything of it so never checked until when I did because i just remembered and then I was curious. Got the email and used his standard password to log in and that was that.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 30/08/2018 10:02

'Yeah im wondering why it suddenly stopped. '

Because he's found a more convenient platform or gadget etc to use.

Original poster
Mumof2two · 30/08/2018 10:08

Ah the not knowing 😥

OP posts:
acatcalledjohn · 30/08/2018 11:34

Sometimes, we just need to feel attractive to new people, so these may just be no more than some internet flirting.

Oh fuck off. Is your ego really that feeble & weak @DaddyKnight?

OP, only you can decide whether this behaviour (assuming it's emails only) is a deal breaker to you. You need to speak to him.

MarthasGinYard · 30/08/2018 11:37

Daddy Knight
Is your username spelt correctly?

Surely DaddyKnob is more apt

OutPinked · 30/08/2018 11:46

Surely DaddyKnob is more apt Grin

There’s a chance the emails were met with a response on a different platform. I.e via a phonecall or text. I wouldn’t trust the fucker, put it that way. There’s no way men just casually do this as an ego boost with no desire to actually sleep with the person, the intention was there and I personally think he went through with it.

BewareOfDragons · 30/08/2018 11:47

I suspect DaddyKnight would be feeling entirely differently if he found out his wife or long time partner was actively soliciting for no-strings sex with others and had hidden this from him.

Men are not 'funny beings'. This singular man is a wanna be cheating asshole while keeping you in the dark about it. Be glad you're not married to him yet and tell him to get the hell out of your life.

Original poster
Mumof2two · 30/08/2018 11:53

Thanks everyone 😁

OP posts:
Storm4star · 30/08/2018 11:53

OP, how can you ever trust him again? That's the issue. He went looking for no strings sex numerous times, and only didn't go through with it (if he didn't) because he didn't find a willing partner. The trust is gone and he won't even let you talk about it! That just makes it even worse. I'm sorry but I just couldn't be with someone who had betrayed my trust like that. He wants you to just "let it go" how convenient! Then he's spinning it on to you saying it's down to you if you can't. Basically he's laying the blame on you if you end the relationship over this. That's not on. If he loves you he should be expressing real remorse and working through things to save the relationship, not brushing it under the carpet.