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Original poster

To think my ex will take my children away

84 replies

worriedmamma12 · 28/08/2018 21:37

I have posted before that I am having a breakdown. It's been pretty bad with self harming and suicidal thought.

I had to beg my ex to have them for a few days as I needed to recover and he finally agreed when I spoke to his mum and explained bad as I was.

Yesterday was my daughters birthday and we all went out together, ex included (I should mention he was an abusive husband and now has a new gf). It was a very difficult day and I was emotional as I hadn't seen the kids since last Tuesday. I also was in some diazepam so was a bit spaced out and didn't really talk much and avoided him as much as possible. My parents said I was pretty bad crying and rocking at times but I did my best to hold it together.

Anyway today exh mum phones my mum and said that he wants the children to stay with him longer as I am clearly not in a fit state to care for them and that if I didn't agree he'd take me to court! I messaged him to say ok have them until Tuesday, thanks for the support etc but he said he is worried I won't be any better then, wants to know what meds I'm on etc.

I am now really worried that he won't give them back to me. I am getting lots of help and support and have now thrown the diazepam away.

I can't concentrate on myself when I am so worried he will take my babies and move away with them in with his new gf. If I loose them my life will really be over. I miss them so much.

My parents don't think he wants them as it would ruin his lifestyle but I don't trust him. He lied about having a gf then told our 6 year old, he abused me and still manipulated me now. Can he take them and not give them back? Normally they only see him EOW??

OP posts:

nibblingandbiting · 28/08/2018 21:42

I’m not having a go I have been where you are. But in the short term would it be better if the dc’s were elsewhere? I know it’s hard to think about but what is best for them. One of my biggest regrets is my dc’s where with me for my last big break down. I didn’t see it at the time but it has really affected them. You need to take care of yourself yo be able to take care of them. If the meds you were given don’t work for you try something else. It’s taken over a year for me to be on the right meds and right dose.

Original poster

worriedmamma12 · 28/08/2018 21:52

I know it's best for them to be with him now I'm just worried he may keep them especially as he has a gf, a stable job etc where as I have bipolar and love on benefits. I do have fantastic support around me but if I loose my babies I will never recover x

OP posts:

Twotailed · 28/08/2018 22:09

He can’t just take them OP - he can ask for greater access,and if it’s the right thing you can agree to that. But he can’t just unilaterally decide he’s going to keep them away from you. If he tried, a court would have to resolve the dispute.

It sounds like for the moment it is helpful that they are with him. Try to see it as him giving you a break you need, rather than him trying to take away your kids (I know that’s easier said than done after an abusive relationship). Take a few days to work on feeling better and considering whether you need to see a GP about different medication.

This seems scary and worrying now because you aren’t exactly sure what the situation is but it will be ok - you’ll find a way forward.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 28/08/2018 22:13

Should you have thrown away the diazepam without speaking to your GO?

He can't just take them and honestly it sounds like he is trying to support you but I understand he was abusive so it's understandable for you to not trust him. While they are at his can you not see them for short visits?

Original poster

worriedmamma12 · 28/08/2018 22:14

I am up for a medication review this week and have just has some adjusted so they should kick in soon. I just want to feel better. I was doing so well then I had a manic episode and I just haven't recovered 😢

OP posts:

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 28/08/2018 22:17

Firstly you need to stop focussing on the girlfriend, you've mentioned her a lot and she is irrelevant. You kids know who their mum is, you will never be replaced by anyone.

Secondly, you know you need to get well for yourself and your children. You're putting their needs first by getting support. Maybe ask your counsellor or someone to help you come up with a plan or target prior to having the children back? Maybe start with little and often if they are able to cope with that.

Good luck, I really do wish you well

TurtleHat · 28/08/2018 22:18

A court order may be helpful to you in the long term, the courts won’t take your children away from you and will help establish a fixed routine for your children.

TurtleHat · 28/08/2018 22:19

Sorry to hear you’re having a difficult time, take time to take care of yourself x

Ginger1982 · 28/08/2018 22:33

Does your ex have parental rights? Then of course he can keep them, especially if he thinks it's not in their best interest to be around you just now if you're struggling. Wouldn't you do the same if the situation was reversed? Is he letting you have contact at least?

I think you really need to sort out your mental health first and maybe get some legal advice. If he refuses to return them to you then you can go to court to have them returned but you would have to show it was in their best interest to be with you and I think you need to ask yourself honestly if you believe that right now.

Magnussen · 28/08/2018 22:43

Having been through the court system myself I know they care about the children only. And that's as it should be. He could go to court for a residency order. Have you gone through courts for contact before?

It sounds like they are best with him right now

Your parents need to stay out of it. Focus on yourself, because with the best will I. The world this won't get better overnight

Original poster

worriedmamma12 · 28/08/2018 22:43

Well thanks ginger that's really helpful. I am trying to get better and am getting all the support I need. Doesn't make me a bad mum and I've been dealing with mental health issues for over half my life. I would never keep my children from seeing their dad but yes I would take them if he was struggling but I would give them back when he was better. I let him see them even after being abusive in front of the children. So basically I can't focus on getting better because I'm too worried about loosing my children. It's like I'm being punished for being ill. If I'd broken my leg I'd be in the same situation but without the judgement 😢

OP posts:

Magnussen · 28/08/2018 22:44

How old are the kids?

Original poster

worriedmamma12 · 28/08/2018 22:52

They are 2 and 7 so just babies. All I need is a break, a chance to get better and I begged him to have them before I had a breakdown and he refused. Then his mother spoke to him and he saw how bad I was and arranged to take them for a week. I am a good mother when I'm well and I've never been this bad before. My kids mean the works to me and I just want them home. I just don't trust my ex after everything he's done to me in bits with worry 😢

OP posts:

user1469751309 · 28/08/2018 22:52

Sorry Op but it doesn’t sound like the best place for your children is with you right now. My DM had serious mental health problems when I was young and I lived with her throughout that time. Not only has my own mental health suffered because of it but also my relationship with my mum has never been a ‘normal’ one as I always felt like a parent not a child. Please get yourself well before you have them back full time I’m sure you are a lovely mum but you need time to get well.

Maelstrop · 28/08/2018 22:53

Who is in your support network? You need to go back to a solicitor and get proper advice with a solid plan in place for times when you’re finding it hard to cope.

Because he has parental responsibility (I’m presuming he’s on the birth certificates) then as Ginger says, yes, he can take them. He’s a concerned parent and if this were reversed, with a father demonstrating worrying behaviour/being spaced out, everyone’s advice would be to take the children.

Original poster

worriedmamma12 · 28/08/2018 22:57

I have the crisis team, health visitor, GP parents and friends around supporting me. I will speak to my solicitor tomorrow as I need to talk to them about my divorce anyway. I feel I will be much better when school starts and I have a routine back. Routine helps a lot. I am determined to get better, I've done it before and I'll do it again. I just don't think I should be punished by having my children taken away x

OP posts:

Original poster

worriedmamma12 · 28/08/2018 22:58

OP posts:

bangourvillagebesttimeever · 28/08/2018 22:58

You need to focus on getting well so you can look after your DC. I have seen your other recent threads about being reported to SS and one about the new girlfriend and your Bi Polar. Being around a parent with severe Mental Health issues can have a huge impact on young children. If your being referred to SS because there are concerns about your self harming, suicidal ideation and drinking you need to be seeking support. You need to recover and get yourself into a position where you can look after and care for your DC. If your current situation escalates your DC could end up on the risk register thats assuming they are not on it already. See your mental health professionals and get your medication reviewed asap. Your issue at the moment is not your ex...its your own health

Ginger1982 · 28/08/2018 22:59

OP, I'm not judging you, that's not how I meant it to come across. Before becoming a SAHM i was a lawyer who dealt with both family and mental health clients. I'm sympathetic, of course, but surely seeing you 'rocking and crying' isn't the best thing for your children at the moment?

Original poster

worriedmamma12 · 28/08/2018 23:02

I know it's not and that's why i begged him to take then but I wanted them back Friday as my mum is staying with me to help. I'm hoping he will let me visit at the weekend and I can show him I'm getting better.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 28/08/2018 23:03

He can't take them away but right now it might be better they stay with him and you have regular supported contact with them e.g. with your parents on hand to help. When my ex was bad mh wise it was scary for dc when they were young eg 6.

Focus on getting well speak to your gp and support network and get legal advice. And get well so dc can spend more time with you again. Courts will be in favour of dc having safe and regular contact with you. So long as his gf treats them nicely she is not relevant.

ShawshanksRedemption · 28/08/2018 23:04

I can see how much you want your kids with you, that you feel really anxious that your ex has them and worrying whether he will return them to you once you are feeling better. Could your parents have the kids for you as well as your ex?

Mental health can be really hard to predict on when you will be able to have the kids home with you, so you can meet their needs. Your ex also doesn't know when you will feel better hence suggesting having them for longer. Has he ever said he would have them permanently?

MyKingdomForBrie · 28/08/2018 23:07

It's not punishment because it's not about you, it's about them. It's not about how it affects you it makes you feel it's about what is right for them.

It sounds like you did the right thing asking for help and I'm sure once you're stable again they'll come to live with you as normal.

Original poster

worriedmamma12 · 28/08/2018 23:08

No he hasn't said he take them, in fact he said he wants me better for when they come back. I just don't trust him as he's a compulsive liar. All I have is my kids and they are what will pull me through this. I just want them home with me but know that at the moment it's best they are with their dad. I just want them returned when I'm well.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 28/08/2018 23:12

Do you trust your hv? Speak to hv .about what is best for dc today tomorrow next week.
It s about dc . It's not your fault or their fault and it s not to punish you but to see what is best for dc right now. Take it day by day. It sound like you will be better again and dc can then increase time with you again.
And it is different and more complex for a dc dealing with parent with broken leg vs parent with a mh crisis. A 7 yr old vs a 2 yr old. Etc.

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