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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To think my ex will take my children away

84 replies

worriedmamma12 · 28/08/2018 21:37

I have posted before that I am having a breakdown. It's been pretty bad with self harming and suicidal thought.

I had to beg my ex to have them for a few days as I needed to recover and he finally agreed when I spoke to his mum and explained bad as I was.

Yesterday was my daughters birthday and we all went out together, ex included (I should mention he was an abusive husband and now has a new gf). It was a very difficult day and I was emotional as I hadn't seen the kids since last Tuesday. I also was in some diazepam so was a bit spaced out and didn't really talk much and avoided him as much as possible. My parents said I was pretty bad crying and rocking at times but I did my best to hold it together.

Anyway today exh mum phones my mum and said that he wants the children to stay with him longer as I am clearly not in a fit state to care for them and that if I didn't agree he'd take me to court! I messaged him to say ok have them until Tuesday, thanks for the support etc but he said he is worried I won't be any better then, wants to know what meds I'm on etc.

I am now really worried that he won't give them back to me. I am getting lots of help and support and have now thrown the diazepam away.

I can't concentrate on myself when I am so worried he will take my babies and move away with them in with his new gf. If I loose them my life will really be over. I miss them so much.

My parents don't think he wants them as it would ruin his lifestyle but I don't trust him. He lied about having a gf then told our 6 year old, he abused me and still manipulated me now. Can he take them and not give them back? Normally they only see him EOW??

OP posts:

Original poster

worriedmamma12 · 29/08/2018 16:45

Both my parents work. My mum took a week off to help and has now taken a months off and is going to retire early to support me. I have asked her to speak to MIL about her being here all the time with me when the kids return even if I am mostly better. Before I have just relied on friends and family and that has been enough. I'm not sure why it has been so bad this time?

OP posts:

Original poster

worriedmamma12 · 29/08/2018 16:47

Oh and I asked him to have them at the start of the holidays when I started to feel unwell but he refused to have them until my dad told him I was having a breakdown. In an emergency my mum would have had them.

OP posts:

Allalittlebitshit2019 · 29/08/2018 17:17

O goodness i so so feel for you and your children. I had a breakdown when my husband left, i was also involved with the crisis team. I was lucky though as my mum basically moved in with me me for a few weeks. I steadily got better.
Well done for recognising that your unable to look after them atm, thats a tough tough thing. x
I hear your worries and i know my stbxh would love it if i became unwell again as he would swoop in and take the children! That in itself has stopped me becoming ill again. But i dont suffer from a long term mental health issue, maybe you need to split school holidays a bit more so you have more of a break as like you have said you like and need the routine. Having them eoweek is a great way of re charging your batteries.
Tbh i think you have done the right thing, maybe ask him to keep them till they return to school. But be aware that if its much longer then its setting a new presidence and will look as if the children live with him. You can only do what you can do though and your mental health has to come first right this second.
xx

twilightsaga · 29/08/2018 18:38

If he's on the birth certificate and has concerns then yes he can keep them in his care and if you disagreed with that then you'd have to go to court and apply for a child arrangements order. It sounds like he's noticed you're not coping at the moment and he needs to step in for the children which may be for the best.

Magnussen · 30/08/2018 00:08

It's about what's best for those kids

'Returning' them back to you might not be best for them.... they will move on with their lives. Make friends,start Nursery/school, childminders etc etc.... why pull them away from their security just because you feel well enough to have them back now, for a bit?

What's best for them here in this scenario?

Original poster

worriedmamma12 · 30/08/2018 08:29

Magnussen that is cruel and unnecessary. They had security and stability with me. I have always managed my mental health well up until this point and if my exh had stepped up before hand and had them more than eow then I probably wouldnt be in this position! I am a good mother who is just having a rough time so I sent them to their dads while I get better. They are not better with him they belong with me. He never wanted those children and he doesn't provide love and care like I do. If I'd had ANY other option I would have taken it. If I had cancer this wouldn't be an issue and I wish I hadn't bothered posting as now I'm feeling even worse!

OP posts:

Magnussen · 30/08/2018 08:37

Sorry but what's cruel?

It's almost September. Back to school ( one is 6?) back to routine and all that goes with that.

He's got a stable job.... income.... he may put in claims for working tax credits etc ( assume you've informed benefits kids aren't with you, you don't need more trouble coming from that)

EOW contact is normal contact. Sometimes with a weekday overnight. He doesn't sound as bad as you first said. Their interests are paramount here

Original poster

worriedmamma12 · 30/08/2018 10:44

They've only been gone a week?! Why would I inform anyone. What's cruel is you saying they will move on with their lives like I don't matter. I had a mental breakdown and am recovering, he might have a stable job but he is a manipulative, abusive ass and most of the reason I am in this mess! I hope you never have to go through mental health problems, they are cruel and difficult to deal with. I have looked after my children on my own since they were born and now because I have had a bad episode you think they should be removed from me permanently! I have asked for them back on Tuesday ready for school on Wednesday. Maybe you should learn some empathy!

OP posts:

redexpat · 30/08/2018 17:30

OP really I think your interpretation of magnussens post is a little, well, I dont think youve taken its intended meaning.

Magnussen is pointing out that its the childrens interests that will determine who they live with. She (I assume - apopogies if thats wrong) is pointing out that stability is very important for children. If your mh episodes are going to be a regular occurance and that would mean they would have to go back and forwards between 2 homes then it might be better for them to stay in one place. I know thats not what you want to hear, but its a possibility and one that you should prepare for, especially if it would mean them changing schools etc everytime. Sorry if I missed any info about that upthread. If your mh is well controlled then it shouldnt come to that. But it might take a while to get you stable.

No one on this thread wishes you anything other than a speedy recovery.

Original poster

worriedmamma12 · 30/08/2018 18:07

They aren't a regular occurrence, not like this, I usually managed them well on my own. This came after a manic bipolar episode, moving house, loosing a job and finding out my ex had a gf so not normal situations. I understand that they need stability and they get that from me even when I'm ill, it's just this one occasion where I needed him to step up and help which he has done but I want them back when I'm well and for things to return to normal. I asked for help we'll before I got to this point and he refused to help me. It's very hard for me to concentrate on getting well when I could loose the two most important people in my life. If they are taken away my life would be over.

OP posts:

Cornish4 · 30/08/2018 19:38

If you and your ex can sort this out between you then do as if children's services become involved which they may if it looks like you can't provide a consistent and stable environment for them then maybe neither you or your ex will get the outcome you desire with you struggling with mental health issues and his abusive nature you could get referred, it would be far better for you if you could come to an amiable agreement between you that works best for the children and talk about things without others stepping in as then it may become out of both your hands and I'm sure neither of you want that.
Hope you feel better soon but better having him on side and working it out the two of you even if it means he plays a bigger part in their lives for a while so you can focus on your health.

Original poster

worriedmamma12 · 30/08/2018 20:10

Childrens services already called and said that the children were at no risk and I was doing the right thing. I have taken legal advice and been told he has t got a leg to stand on with his abuse, 2 arrests and being sectioned under the mental health act. I am actually feeling better after speaking to my dr who agreed this could all be to do with the pill! Even when they do come home I am not alone as my mum has moved in to support me for al long as possible. I haven't self harmed for over a week, suicidal thoughts have gone and I'm feeling a little more positive.

OP posts:

bangourvillagebesttimeever · 30/08/2018 20:51

Stay focussed on staying well and working towards a good place so you can take your DC home. It’s really important that you are healthy and able. Your DC witnessing there mum self harming or sobbing is distressing and they end up growing up feeling like a carer. I know you won’t self harm in-front of them but they will see the damage you inflict on yourself. You need to be getting therapy for the reason for your self harming as that is not usually something someone with bi polar does. You may have other unresolved trauma which is leading you to self harm and that needs focussed therapy. I should add that I have worked in mental health for 30yrs and continue to do so. Stay strong and get well and your babies will be home!

ShawshanksRedemption · 30/08/2018 21:21

I haven't self harmed for over a week, suicidal thoughts have gone and I'm feeling a little more positive.

That's really good to hear! I hope you continue to get better and things soon settle back down for you all.

Original poster

worriedmamma12 · 31/08/2018 13:37

So I saw my psychiatrist today and it seems that the contraceptive pill was the cause of the suicidal thoughts and self harm. I am feeling better because I have been off it a week and the medication that was upped has also kicked in. Today I have managed to get up, shower, leave the house alone, go to an appointment, get school uniform and do some washing and hoovering. Safe to say I feel like a complex different person to when I wrote this post and I can't believe a little pill has caused all this stress and upset for everyone.

OP posts:

HeckyPeck · 31/08/2018 13:46

I’m glad to hear you're feeling so much better OP.

Have you spoken to you’re ex about when the children can come back? He doesn’t sound like the best person to have them after having abused you infront of them.

AnEPleaseBob · 31/08/2018 13:48

So I saw my psychiatrist today and it seems that the contraceptive pill was the cause of the suicidal thoughts and self harm

No psychiatrist would tell you that as a fact, there is absolutely no way of telling that, especially when you have a long history of MH issues that predate the contraceptive pill. Please don't focus on the pill as any cause, its not helpful

Original poster

worriedmamma12 · 31/08/2018 14:01

It wasn't fact but she thought it probably played a part and if you google it it says the same thing. I'm not denying I have MH probs but they never normally manifest with suicidal thoughts and self harm. No not spoken to ex yet waiting for a couple more days.

OP posts:

HeckyPeck · 31/08/2018 14:08

Worried, I’d listen to your psychiatrist over mn posters

I hope it goes well when you speak to him.

AnEPleaseBob · 31/08/2018 16:40

Probably played a part is not at all the same thing as it definitely being the cause, which was the point I made.
Yes, of course listen to the psych, but to what they actually said rather than what you want to think.

Original poster

worriedmamma12 · 31/08/2018 18:55

She actually said the pill causes suicidal thoughts! It has also happened to my mother and my sister so I believe the psychiatrist and the family link. Also now I'm off it they have gone so it's more than likely the cause. Why can't some people just be happy that an answer is found and I'm feeling better jeez!

OP posts:

AnEPleaseBob · 31/08/2018 19:39

I doubt it.

Why can't some people just be happy that an answer is found and I'm feeling better jeez!

I'm glad you're feeling better, but oversimplifying the causes of your difficulties is not helpful with regard to recovery.

DioneTheDiabolist · 31/08/2018 19:46

Nor are your posts AnEPleaseBob.

Magnussen · 31/08/2018 19:46

It was a bloody quick recovery,that's for sure!

Glad you are now recovered op

DioneTheDiabolist · 31/08/2018 19:47

I am glad you're feeling better OP.

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