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Original poster

To think my ex will take my children away

84 replies

worriedmamma12 · 28/08/2018 21:37

I have posted before that I am having a breakdown. It's been pretty bad with self harming and suicidal thought.

I had to beg my ex to have them for a few days as I needed to recover and he finally agreed when I spoke to his mum and explained bad as I was.

Yesterday was my daughters birthday and we all went out together, ex included (I should mention he was an abusive husband and now has a new gf). It was a very difficult day and I was emotional as I hadn't seen the kids since last Tuesday. I also was in some diazepam so was a bit spaced out and didn't really talk much and avoided him as much as possible. My parents said I was pretty bad crying and rocking at times but I did my best to hold it together.

Anyway today exh mum phones my mum and said that he wants the children to stay with him longer as I am clearly not in a fit state to care for them and that if I didn't agree he'd take me to court! I messaged him to say ok have them until Tuesday, thanks for the support etc but he said he is worried I won't be any better then, wants to know what meds I'm on etc.

I am now really worried that he won't give them back to me. I am getting lots of help and support and have now thrown the diazepam away.

I can't concentrate on myself when I am so worried he will take my babies and move away with them in with his new gf. If I loose them my life will really be over. I miss them so much.

My parents don't think he wants them as it would ruin his lifestyle but I don't trust him. He lied about having a gf then told our 6 year old, he abused me and still manipulated me now. Can he take them and not give them back? Normally they only see him EOW??

OP posts:
Magnussen · 28/08/2018 23:25

Op you posts are all about you.... the kids cannot thrive in the environment you describe

They are also not a crutch or sticking plaster for your illness

Having read your earlier threads I can't see those children being allowed back right now, regardless if your mum is there to help or not. She could supervise contact though?

garethsouthgatesmrs · 28/08/2018 23:46

All I have is my kids and they are what will pull me through this
With the greatest respect you can't put that burden on your kids. You need to get well for yourself.

HelloToYou · 28/08/2018 23:53

Ok I totally get that your kids are what gets you through, I am absolutely the same. They are the light in my life when I am low.
However you do not sound well enough to cope with them alone, especially not a child as young as 2 who is still very dependant.

Do you have any family members that you can ask to stay with you for a couple of weeks whilst you get your medication sorted?
Just as a bit of support for you and back up to help you look after the kids.

If your ex was truly abusive and you have cause for concern then I wouldn't want him to have the kids at all but that's a whole other kettle of fish.

agnurse · 29/08/2018 05:40

You need to focus on getting yourself better AND getting a proper custody arrangement for your children.

If you're not in good mental shape you won't be able to look after your children properly.

If you truly feel that they aren't safe with your ex how need to talk to Social Services. Worst case scenario, you may need to place them temporarily in kinship or foster care. Fortunately, if you work with the Social Services, you can still retain many rights and they may be able to help you work towards having the children return to live with you. Social Services doesn't just swoop in and carry off children for them never to see their parents and families again.

CSIblonde · 29/08/2018 05:57

I know your Mum is staying with you, but if you are still so low you're rocking & crying your children will get very distressed & confused coming home & seeing you like that. They do remember stuff like that, my neighbours daughter vividly remembers her real mothers struggles & she was just 4. Your DH needs to go to Court for full time custody of them, and he can't just take them. He doesn't need to know what meds you're on. Get well first, then your children won't have the trauma of seeing you so unwell & it's all just 'a holiday with Dad' .

TheOxymoron · 29/08/2018 07:12

This is the wrong place to post whilst you are so fragile OP.
You will over analyse every comment and take it to heart.

Please talk to a professional. Do you have an RMN?

Original poster
worriedmamma12 · 29/08/2018 09:16

I was rocking a crying Monday because I had to spend the day with my abusive arrogant ex and was dosed up on diazepam. I have to say tho the only time I remember rocking was when I was rocking my son and I cried because I miss them. Day to day I am just tearful and yes I can't function at the rate I'm supposed to. I never said I think they should be with me at the moment. My concern is he won't return them and he lives in a House with his mum that is extremely un child friendly and his mum was complaining about a how stressful they were on Monday. He has also never had them for such a long time and I'm worried. He never have a shit about the kids when he was with me, did nothing to support my mental health and made a it worse. Some of you make me out to be an awful person to want my children back with me.....when I'm well enough! I know they can't see me like this that wasn't what I was asking, I wanted to know if he can just take them and refuse to hand them back.

OP posts:
whiteroseredrose · 29/08/2018 09:17

Agree that this is probably not the best place but one thing alarmed me. You said that your children will help you to get through this, but it isn't their job. It could be very scary and damaging for them. When you're in a place to look after them, then ask for them back, not before.

Original poster
worriedmamma12 · 29/08/2018 09:25

I meant that because I love them so much that will help pull me out of this not that I'll lean on them for support. The mental health team don't think I'm a danger to my children in fact having them taken has made me more depressed. It's a viscous circle. If they though I was social Services would have been called.

OP posts:
HelloToYou · 29/08/2018 10:38

He can't refuse to hand kids back unless there is a court order / parental order in place

Maelstrop · 29/08/2018 10:49

He can't refuse to hand kids back unless there is a court order / parental order in place

Yes he can if he has parental responsibility!! He does not have to hand them back but sounds like he will want to.

redexpat · 29/08/2018 11:05

As I see it the issue is your lack of trust in your exp. He says he will return them when you are better. Well, what does that mean exactly? Who decides what better looks like? I think you and him need to have an agreement in writing where these terms are defined. Also who decides if you meet the criteria.

In the meantime, are you having regular access to them?

ShawshanksRedemption · 29/08/2018 11:32

@worriedmamma12

I can see now from what you've said you don't have a good relationship with your ex and therefore don't trust him at all.

From what you have said here though, he doesn't seem to want to keep them full time (his past actions and his mums comments). I agree with @redexpat in that you should talk to your MH Support Team about how you would go about getting the kids back living with you, when that would be (ie how they will assess you as well enough), how that would work (gradually?) so you can then discuss this all with your Ex.

I think right now your illness is making you feel very upset and very anxious, which is understandable, but as your meds kick in and you feel more stable and calmer, you will start to feel less anxious about it all. In the meantime look after yourself and get well soon.

Original poster
worriedmamma12 · 29/08/2018 11:37

No I haven't asked for any access yet as i don't want to upset them, especially my daughter. I was going to ask if I could see them at the weekend if I'm feeling better. His mum has assured my mum he isn't going to take them away but as I feel so vulnerable and anxious I don't trust them. I want to ask outright if he plans to take them away but I'm not sure he tell me the truth and I'm scared of the answer 😢

OP posts:
OfaFrenchmind2 · 29/08/2018 11:52

Definitely AIBU is not good to post about this. I had to rewrite this message multiple times to avoid being overly harsh. Somebody will not, and be too frank, or hard, for you to cope with. Why not choose a better place to discuss this?

AnEPleaseBob · 29/08/2018 12:01

Anyway today exh mum phones my mum and said that he wants the children to stay with him longer as I am clearly not in a fit state to care for them
Isn't she right though? the very fact that you see it as you being punished rather than as what is best for them right now shows that you are not best placed to care for them. It doesn't sound like you are able to parent 2 small children right now, and if they have another parent who is able, he should be the primary carer.
Do you have social services involvement?

Original poster
worriedmamma12 · 29/08/2018 12:36

Again I know they are better at their dadas at the moment but when I'm better I want them back. I had a similar breakdown last year and he didn't give a crap! I dealt with it all myself with the crisis team and my family. Now he wants to play the doting dad and normally when he's nice to me like this he has another agenda! You're right this probably isn't the best place for my post, where should I move it to and how?

OP posts:
adaline · 29/08/2018 12:49

I would move this either to Relationships or Mental Health. Just report your OP and ask for it to be moved.

Your ex is stepping up because you're currently unable to care for them. In your shoes you should be focusing on getting better for your children, but you're also extremely lucky that he's able to step in and have them full-time, presumably he's had to sort childcare and change things around at work to enable this to happen? A lot of people couldn't suddenly take on two small children on a full-time basis due to their work commitments or living arrangements.

I mean this in the nicest way OP but you're not well. Your children are in the best place for them - with their father in his home, with the support and love of their grandparents.

HelloToYou · 29/08/2018 13:42

When you are better - you will get them back.
Simple.
Mental health that is no longer an issue is not enough to withhold children from their mother.

Original poster
worriedmamma12 · 29/08/2018 13:49

Thank you hello- mum and I have been discussing my mentally health and have realised it has gotten worse since I started taking a new pill Lucette?? I have done some research and it seems it can cause all my symptoms? I know I have issues anyway but wondering if this has made everything worse?!

OP posts:
MNHQ
AnyaMumsnet · 29/08/2018 13:53

Hi there everyone,

We're going to move this to relationships at OP's request.

We hope you're ok OP Flowers

runningscare · 29/08/2018 14:05

Bottom line he can't take away your children from you. You are being honest and seeking help. This just shows how much insight you have. You are putting your children first by getting the help you need. I take my hat off to you for doing that.
Maybe if you have the strength you could ask what plans your ex has in mind ... have an upfront and honest conversation with him ... you never know he maybe just wanting the best for you and his children. Good luck op x

Bouledeneige · 29/08/2018 14:26

Fundamentally the children's best interests come first. They need to be with an adult who loves them, cares for them, is responsible and can make them feel safe and secure. Much as you love them OP if you are suicidal, unstable or at risk of a breakdown being with you is not the best for them right now. Much as I'm sure you were doing your best, your presence crying and rocking at their birthday party would have been scarey for your children so it's best you focus on getting well for their sake.

Thankfully your XH has stepped up to the plate and his mother and your mother are deeply concerned for the children. This is an excellent circle of care that can step in to look after your children whilst you focus on getting the support you need to get well.

By all accounts you've said your XH won't want them full time as it would be too much like hard work for him and interfere with his private life. To protect your interests it might be sensible to suggest (if she is willing and able) for your Mum to take the children for breaks - in lieu of you resuming your parenting role. This will act as a place marker.

In the meantime focus on getting well for the children not on fear, suspicion and anger at your XH. That's not healthy or productive and will feed into your ill-health.

Much sympathy to you, OP.

AgentJohnson · 29/08/2018 16:22

Priorities, priorities, priorities. Getting well should be your only priority right now, getting your kids back is secondary to that.

I suspect obsessing over him returning your children is also part of your illness (as well as being an actual possibility) but it is that obsession that's hindering your recovery. I'd be interested in hearing what contingencies were set in place for when you got ill again. Waiting until you are at breaking point isn't in either you or your children's best interest. Your Ex is a knob, you aren't the only one to have one of those but at the moment, he is a knob who is taking care of his children (which is way more than my Ex would ever do). Relying on someone you don't trust is always going to be a mindfuck, wether you are ill or not.

Wasn't there anybody in your family who could have looked after your children in an emergency? Where is the support plan for your children? I know your Ex is their father but it sounds like he took them under duress and you only turned to him because you were desperate. If he hadn't of taken them, then what? If a contingency was in place before it reached crisis point you wouldn't be obsessing over this.

Getting your kids back is a battle for later, getting better is the priority.

Get well soon and hang in there.

Original poster
worriedmamma12 · 29/08/2018 16:41

I should say the suicidal thoughts have pretty much gone I am just very teary and have only self harmed once in the last week. Most of the tears are because I miss the kids. I just have to have faith he will see I am a good mum and will be better!

OP posts:
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