Was this normal? A reason we broke up....

[IsabellaMoltisantixx]

I feel a fool

Please someone answer as honestly as possible
My ex was obsessed with cuckholding and this is one of the reasons we split up :

Long story short, we've been on/off together 15 years, around 2015ish he out of the blue mentioned he wanted to see another man have sex with me, he was drunk at the time so I thought he was saying it on purpose to see what I'd say as he's also very paranoid, controlling and jealous but every few days he would ask for it! Not just once, very persuasive, would go on a site and start talking to men to come round and shag me!
It got so scary at one point when one time I said I was going to bed and he replied well you'll be waking up with someone on top of you and it won't be me"

Was very freaked out but I finally told a support worker and a friend after being very embarrassed and closed about this
Weirdly, my friend said this was normal and it goes on it loads off marriages and relationships!!!
She made out I was being a prude! And actually turned it into a joke saying she wished her husband had offered it
I felt ill and shocked is this true? Was I being unreasonable?
Please can someone tell me if what he did was not right ?

Of course it's not right if you didn't agree to it.

Also can I add
He seemed to only 'get off' by talking about this fantasy beforehand
It also seemed to be every time he was drinking which was regularly

He is still mentioning it now and I'm just so confused. It doesn't seem normal but I guess the way my friend reacted has made me want to question it in here
It's so embarrassing but my main issue was he was willing to get a stranger round to get me basically raped (as there's no way I would want it) when we had kids upstairs sleeping

I googled it and realised it's a fantasy so now I feel I was being a bit far fetched and overreacted being freaked out by it

No that's very strange and I would have done the same as you OP. I would have felt scared and unsafe in my own home. He can't go asking round for people to sleep with you when you haven't consented. And with him being jealous and paranoid it sounds like it definitely sexually abusive

Your friend is - ahem - an interesting person.

Anyway, apparently cuckolding is a not uncommon fantasy but

a. most people leave it in fantasy land i.e. like most fantasies in their head while they're having a wank (or while having sex with some poor unsuspecting soul).

b. even if they raised it outside of their masturbatory headspace, would back off the second it became clear the other person was not into it.

He kept raising it, and that comment - suggesting not only that he'd go ahead and pursue it, but that your consent was irrelevant - implying he'd let someone in to rape you .... well,fking hell, what is there to say, other than no wonder you were/are totally freaked out.

Thank fk you broke up - congratulations. Go and have a celebratory drink ;), it's not every day you get that lucky.

@merville
Lol this made me LOL

First time mentioning it in here. I had to after friends response, wanted to know if it is normal and just a way to spice up sex life
I just didn't see it being a turn on and could t understand it
He made out he had this fantasy for a long time but only felt confident to mention it these past few years
Since mentioning it, hasn't stopped and says he'll do anything if I go ahead with it...

It sounds like a very 'reasonable' reason to break up. And no it is not very normal imo.

Friend is Ukrainian and born and raised there so maybe that's why she was so carefree about it? Maybe a culture thing? She honestly seemed so casual about it I started questioning myself and worrying maybe it's me the boring one

Definitely not normal. At all.

Jeez, not normal at all. Yanbu. And he is being very u by banging on about it when he knows you don’t want it. He’s paranoid, controlling, jealous and threatening. You’re well rid of him.

Since mentioning it, hasn't stopped and says he'll do anything if I go ahead with it. Sorry I thought you had broken up with him.

Not normal, but common on porn channels.

Definitely not normal. He fantasies about you being raped - disgusting

@elephantoverthehill

We are on/off as relationship is very turbulent, this is just a part of it

We are working over other issues but this fantasy he has is still there! Sometimes I just 'play along' as he just won't stop talking about it and persuading, I just say 'maybe' whilst knowing full well I won't, just kid of appease him so can change subject etc

But I honestly thought he'd stop trying and hasn't, started to think maybe should do it just to get it over n done with but I can't I'm not like that at all, find the whole thing weird and so glad I asked on here now as I can see other women do too

Never, never. Hell would freeze over first. A knee in the groin might cool his ardour! Perv!

Get rid of him asap.

He is vile.

Op, people have fetishes and fantasies about anything and everything. What we all owe to ourselves to keep
Our sanity and to have good sex is to listen to what we are ok with, and only do that.
Please, get some self respect, end this relationship and find a man who won’t treat you like a wank fantasy. You are worth more than continual
Pestering for something that makes you feel sick. What part of no does he not get?
Walk away

IsabellaMoltisantixx You have self respect, you have thresholds. Do not allow this 'person' to undermine your sense of being a person with choices.

Being coerced into sex you don't want, just to stop him mithering you, is actually rape. You don't have to do it you know. Your body is not his plaything, you have autonomy over what happens to you and who you allow to come anywhere near you.

Does he understand the difference between a fantasy and reality? It may be a common fantasy for someone to think or talk about something like this during sex, but to go as far as actually contacting people in real life and to make it such a regular and persistent thing... No, that's not at all normal.

And if it ever actually happened he'd probably freak out, call you a whore and make your life even more difficult. Please just next time its on again/off again, keep it off. He sounds thoroughly unpleasant and extremely rapey.

This might be totally a misplaced thought but grooming and prostitution can start around these kind of scenarios. Sorry if I've got that wrong OP.

Elephant - that was my first thought too.

OP, are you sure he hasn't been offered money in return for a stranger having sex with you? Or could he owe someone money? That he would offer you "anything" if you do this sounds like he's worried that you are refusing. It does sound a bit like he wants to pimp you out.

I think you'd really benefit from reading this thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3345004-Share-your-red-flags-for-the-good-of-womankind-updated

I'm very open minded with sex, and have had adventures but it's the fact that even in fantasy territory he considers your lack of consent AT ALL acceptable - it isn't, never is never will be.

Walk away from this man - hell run!

It's off/on because he's not right for you - I doubt he's right for ANYONE frankly!!

So you were together for how long before it was suggested drunkenly to do the cuckold? Did he randomly came across it while searching up porn or he just got the courage to talk about it then randomly? Why then? I'd wonder why he said it when he did.

Yes it's a legitimate fantasy, just like how some can also fantasise about rape ect. Maybe he's actually sharing two fantasies with you, the cuckold fantasy and the rape fantasy? It's natural to fantasise and I'd even argue that it's important to share these fantasies with a partner instead of hiding them and then complain how sex is boring and using it as an excuse to cheat like a lot of people do. I'm not saying you should do anything you don't want to do just because it's his fantasy, it could ruin the relationship if either one of you do something you're uncomfortable with! But there's a big difference between talking about it and doing it. There's no harm in role play either to keep things interesting in the bedroom.

I've done some research in the past on cuckold and found there's a few reasons men like it. Some say due to biological reasons, men like to share their woman to show the other man what he has. Secondly, it's to show the other man that he can do it better. It's primarily competition between sperm and the two males.
Also another reason might be because he will enjoy watching from a small distance while you get pleasured by another man. He might like to see that you're being pleased and having your wishes met. It can actually make women feel like a goddess having two men over her and being the main focus.

Of course if you shared the fantasy with him (women can also enjoy cuckolds) then you would understand these latter theories but it's clear from your post that you don't share the same fantasy and are rather shocked by it all. I'd suggest talk to him about your reservations and ask him politely to not talk about it again if it makes you extremely uncomfortable. I think some men struggle to talk about fantasies such as cuckolding so maybe he needed Dutch courage of the drink to talk to you about it in the first place.

Just realised by your post that you broke up. Sorry I misunderstood! Did you break up because of his fantasy? If it effected your relationship that much than I guess it's all for the best. Some do need to remember to put their partner first before a fantasy.

This fantasy within a relationship is "normal". Acting on it, with consent of both partners, is more unusual but still "normal". Soliciting sex partners for you against your wishes, joking about having someone rape you in your sleep and making you feel unsafe in your own home is NOT normal. Your friend's response is very odd. I hope you have got rid of BOTH of them.