Was this normal? A reason we broke up....

[IsabellaMoltisantixx]

I feel a fool

Please someone answer as honestly as possible
My ex was obsessed with cuckholding and this is one of the reasons we split up :

Long story short, we've been on/off together 15 years, around 2015ish he out of the blue mentioned he wanted to see another man have sex with me, he was drunk at the time so I thought he was saying it on purpose to see what I'd say as he's also very paranoid, controlling and jealous but every few days he would ask for it! Not just once, very persuasive, would go on a site and start talking to men to come round and shag me!
It got so scary at one point when one time I said I was going to bed and he replied well you'll be waking up with someone on top of you and it won't be me"

Was very freaked out but I finally told a support worker and a friend after being very embarrassed and closed about this
Weirdly, my friend said this was normal and it goes on it loads off marriages and relationships!!!
She made out I was being a prude! And actually turned it into a joke saying she wished her husband had offered it
I felt ill and shocked is this true? Was I being unreasonable?
Please can someone tell me if what he did was not right ?

Both he and your friend have some very strange ideas about what is acceptable in a relationship. Hope you have binned both. There’s nothing wrong with your lack of enthusiasm for his disturbing fantasy.

What @Limpshade said completely. Plus, going on about a fantasy that makes the other partner uncomfortable? Also unacceptable.

Just for the record, consensual sex with an enthusiastic partner should be the norm, not your partner telling you your consent is not needed.

What a horrible bully. Please, for the sake of yourself and the children, call it a day once and for all. This is so not a normal relationship.

Get rid of him and the friend. He's lining up all his ducks. He wants a man to shag you - you say no, he'll say ok a woman then and here is one I've been shagging who will do it. Oh and then we can have a threesome and then foursome.

@RumCustard

I initially thought that right away but after saying it again n again he doesn't seem to be interested in that at all! He said it's just got to me with another man, I even tried to test him n say well ok what about joining a swingers group n he replied no cos "I'll only get pleasure in watching you get f**ked" his words

Honestly, he's been with many women when we've been separated. I even made a separate post about him giving me an STD just recently found out he knew before and apparently never asked any other woman about this "fantasy" just me
I even went through his messages to check! (Bad I know but I needed to see if he could get over this fantasy with aw)
Also said to him if he really wants it why didn't he do it all the times he's been single he's a regular on Tinder, POF etc n used to talk about how easy it was to bed women off there just by taking them on a date or 2 so he could have easily had the chance then! So confused

@chloem93
YES this is exactly it!!!! That's exactly what he has said time n time again it's to see me get pleasure. But I can't understand I've replied well you can see that when we're dtd and he says no it's not the same
But everything you've said in your message is basically what he said that's it a fantasy and he can only cum by thinking of it or gettting it
He said through the years it's got worse and he's wanted it "earlier on in the relationship" but only felt comfortable to mention it four years ago??? I'm baffled but once he did first mention it , he hasn't stopped so every time he had/has a drink it starts... he has used emotional blackmail as well n said if I do this it'll prove I love him
N he can't understand why I won't as hell be there to protect me when Iv mentioned it's a stranger, also said it's no strings thing so I just have to lie back n take it talked bout blindfolding,

Even ordered a blindfold, and gag . st the time fifty shades grey was popular so I didn't think much of it but he said he'd prefer me blindfolded so I don't see them

I am completely baffled as to why you are with this man. Why????

Cuckolding is a thing that does go on but it's something a couple decides they want to do together. The way he went about it was completely unacceptable.

Also he gave you an STI?? He sounds horrible, please block all contact with him.

@elephantoverthehill
@milestoneBD

That makes sense but definitely not in debt, quite the opposite , he's just had a large pay raise, also works in law enforcement !!! Can you believe !!
Has rich Mum n dad who bought his house for him so doesn't even have a mortgage never had one unlike me who's struggled with low paid job n getting my own place when we split

His job is also investigates these type of ppl so don't think it's that I really believe now it's his fantasy, he's mentioned so many times become more n more open with it the more he talks about it
Iv even desperately told him just do it with another woman cos I can't (I have issues of my own n wouldn't ever sleep with a stranger due to a bad experience when younger) he said no and that it "has to be me"

I guess I was looking into it it's normal maybe it goes on it lots of couples bedrooms but obviously very taboo I just didn't want to end a relationship over it?

We are Ukrainian and I’ve never ever discussed this before with my husband or a friend, certainly not a culture thing!

This man is revolting and you should cease contact now for your own safety. Fantasies are normal. Pursuing them when your partner has said a clear no isn't.

I have issues of my own n wouldn't ever sleep with a stranger due to a bad experience when younger

Not wanting to sleep with a stranger doesn’t mean you have issues!

Nothing wrong with having fantasies. Everything wrong with persistently trying to impose them on someone who is unwilling.

It doesn't matter if lots of other couples do it and I'm sure it's normal for some people but the fact is you don't want to and you have a right to say no.

Your main problem is a total lack of respect from him. This would be a deal breaker for me.

This man sounds repulsive, manipulative, disrespectful and possibly dangerous. Why are you trying to work things out with him?! This is not a loving relationship. Please consider therapy/freedom programme to find yourself some boundaries 💐

We are on/off as relationship is very turbulent, this is just a part of it

Even if everything else was perfect, suggesting that he would arrange for you to be raped and continuing when you did not show any interest, is in my book an absolute reason to bin him off sharpish.

Why on earth would you continue in these circumstances. Maybe have a word with woman's aid and have a look at doing the freedom programme, to understand how shocking this behaviour really is.

Ive already been referred to woman's aid, because I have my own house (luckily) they referred me to Iris another support group, been lots of issues but wanted to try work things out for the kids sake.

I just wasn't sure whether I was overreacting by it all but from all the responses I can see I'm not so thank you again to all

@SloeBerries

Sorry didn't mean to come across as it sounded she's very open about sex etc and always tells me about experiences, she's older than me but a very close work friend. Gives me advice, I guess she was saying it's not the worse thing etc and that she would be open to doing that.

That he is a "law enforcer" does not surprise me at all...in my experience the type of person that goes down that route also feels entitled to treat others as if they are shit on a shoe.
No, of course you should never do anything you don't want to do. And yes, if it was me I would leave him for banging on about it when it is clearly not something you would entertain.
It sounds like he wants his own gratification at your expense. Fuck that.

@chitofftheshovel

OMG is this true?!? The Sw also said this that actually there's more cases with police and law enforcement than other employment groups!! It shocked me!!! Couldn't believe it and thought maybe she was just saying it to make me feel better as I said he was very clever n knew not to cross the law as he loves his job and wouldn't jeopardise it!

Seriously, stop trying to make it work with a man that is prioritising his own fantasies over your very reasonable boundaries. It's not normal to try and badger your partner into an act they do not want to do and are clearly unhappy about. It's abusive and should definitely be a reason to stay away from this man. Whether the fantasy is normal or not his behaviour is completely unacceptable and I'd bet part of a larger pattern of abuse and disrespect.

Well its true to my personal experience but I guess not all are like that.
From my own relationship with people in a role of "authority" they feel it is their way or the highway. They think they are big people because of they're job and that they can do as they please.

Obviously not all of them are like this but it is a known behaviour.

Are you the poster that's been told by ss NOT to go back to this guy and is still considering it?

Even if not I think the best thing you can do is completely remove him from your life.

He doesn't care about you he just sees you as existing to meet his needs.

The police def seem to attract a higher proportion of oddballs/degenerates/sociopaths than many industries, seems like it's about the power & authority they get. My sister was married to one and he was a cheating, lying dickhead, highly sexed, temperamental, selfish dickhead who also absolutely loved telling people off and acting self righteous & superior. He also ruined her self esteem and assaulted her a few times. He ended up being let go for stealing from work. My other sister is friendly with a lady who was married to an ex police man who was abusive, controlling, temperamental etc to her and their daughter for years- he had alcohol problems and essentially drank him self to death after she finally finally kicked him out, while doing so he would not return their family dog and neglected it etc.

Anyway back on topic - did your friend know what he threatened in the essentially rape by a stranger scenario? Also - agree with other posters who be said he sees you/women as props in his porn fantasies, not as people.

@Graphista
What is ss?
Iv been told not to live back with him by sw as when certain issues arose
I only try for the kids sake