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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was this normal? A reason we broke up....

77 replies

IsabellaMoltisantixx · 27/08/2018 22:38

I feel a fool

Please someone answer as honestly as possible
My ex was obsessed with cuckholding and this is one of the reasons we split up :

Long story short, we've been on/off together 15 years, around 2015ish he out of the blue mentioned he wanted to see another man have sex with me, he was drunk at the time so I thought he was saying it on purpose to see what I'd say as he's also very paranoid, controlling and jealous but every few days he would ask for it! Not just once, very persuasive, would go on a site and start talking to men to come round and shag me!
It got so scary at one point when one time I said I was going to bed and he replied well you'll be waking up with someone on top of you and it won't be me"

Was very freaked out but I finally told a support worker and a friend after being very embarrassed and closed about this
Weirdly, my friend said this was normal and it goes on it loads off marriages and relationships!!!
She made out I was being a prude! And actually turned it into a joke saying she wished her husband had offered it
I felt ill and shocked is this true? Was I being unreasonable?
Please can someone tell me if what he did was not right ?

OP posts:
Original poster
IsabellaMoltisantixx · 28/08/2018 21:55

@merville

No didn't tell her the ins and outs it's so embarrassing, I've only just plucked up the courage on here after years of him asking for it
I think she made light out of it like "oooh wish I was offered that" kinda thing -also she's very open about sex and said she thinks it's quite normal?!?!

OP posts:
Original poster
IsabellaMoltisantixx · 28/08/2018 21:56

@merville

Thanks for the info, I feel so blinded and gullible. Had no idea. But it makes so much sense, he's very Alpha Male, authoritative figure

OP posts:
SittingAround1 · 28/08/2018 22:43

It sounds like you should listen to your SW especially for your kids sake.
Your children won't benefit from seeing their mother being abused by their father.

SittingAround1 · 28/08/2018 22:44

SS is social services. Your children will be their priority.

silkpyjamasallday · 28/08/2018 22:59

Get away from this guy asap, he is not good news. I had an ex obsessed with cuckolding, he actually did bring men over to his house when I was staying with him with the intention I would sleep with them. He asked me to go and give a guy I lived with a blow job and have my phone in my pocket so he could listen. I didn't do any of it btw. The requests never stopped and it was such a relief when I dumped him. Please OP do the right thing for you and your DC and get away from this man now.

Graphista · 28/08/2018 23:16

If you are the poster I think then as I and several others said you need to lose the bizarre idea that going back to someone SO abusive that a sw has told you not to (for the sake of the kids) is somehow better for those same kids.

Frankly you seem obsessed with him and would be better off cutting all contact precisely for your kids sake.

Yutes · 28/08/2018 23:28

What screams to me is - he can’t tell you’re not into it and he’s not bothered.

It’s perfectly fine to have fantasies. It’s perfectly fine not to be into your partner’s fantasies. But to be quite dismissive and altogether emotional abusive and threatening about it.

I’m actually quite worried that you are not safe with this man OP. And your children.

It’s not just about cuckolding.

rosablue · 28/08/2018 23:58

Sounds like a control thing over you - and the fact that you don't want it means he wants it to happen more... because that's more control and you doing something that you don't want to because he wants you to.

I don't know if there's any way you can tell him - in writing, so there's proof if anything should happen down the line - that the more he talks about it, the more the idea horrifies you; that you absolutely do not want this to happen and that you see it as him wanting someone to rape you - but not only that - he wants to organise it and watch, which makes it worse. So that you want to make it clear to him that you don't want to have to listen to these rape fantasies he has for you again (and certainly don't ever want to be a part of them in real life) and that if he keeps harassing you with them then you will report him to the police for harassment.

butterfly56 · 29/08/2018 01:25

You need to start recording these conversations with him OP because it will be your word against his and seeing as he already works for the Police there is every chance that you are going to have a very tough time proving any of this perverse coercion ever tok place.
What he is basically saying is that when you are asleep in your bed supposedly safe at home he's going to bring in some stranger to rape you.
Now he's doing this for any number of reasons -
He has zero respect for you or any other woman.
He is completely convinced that he can make this happen.
He is depraved and has very serious issues with boundaries.
He probably belongs to a group of sexual predators who are fully active in targeting vulnerable women.
If you do end up being raped, do you think the Police will believe you seeing as he is already in the Police...99% chance you will not stand a chance with any case against.
You must cut all contact with him and get some serious help before it's too late and stop putting you and your children in extremely dangerous situations.
Unless you can get some serious evidence against him he will use what gone on in your past relationship to move that you were up for it all along.

Original poster
IsabellaMoltisantixx · 29/08/2018 08:29

Thanks again everyone appreciate all your responses
The main reason I broke up with him was because of this, it got more and more frequent with him asking at one time every time he drank to nearly every other evening
He created the username and is active on the cuckhold site too

OP posts:
Original poster
IsabellaMoltisantixx · 29/08/2018 08:31

@butterfly56

I have all the text messages
I've backed them up because I already thought about that. The text messages are just as bad as what he says verbally , as he would send me pictures of the men from the website
And say vulgar things so thankfully still have the many text messages some
Dating back to 2016

OP posts:
Original poster
IsabellaMoltisantixx · 29/08/2018 08:33

@silkpyjamasallday

Omg you're the only other person I've met who's had this experience I think that's why I wanted to get it out there as I scoured the net but can only find swinger and cuckhokd sites
Can I ask how long were you with your partner before he started mentioning it?
Also, did he try emotionally blackmail you like say things like 'I just wanna see you get pleasure' or 'this will show you really love me'

OP posts:
NadiaLeon · 29/08/2018 08:36

Leave this NUTTER now.

subspace · 29/08/2018 09:06

Well all this makes me feel quite uncomfortable so I can only imagine how you must be feeling.

Fantasies are fine and normal in my opinion. You don't need to get off on the same fantasies as your partner, and it should go without saying that you should both respect one another if the other isn't into the same as you.

Sometimes I just 'play along' as he just won't stop talking about it and persuading, I just say 'maybe' whilst knowing full well I won't, just kid of appease him so can change subject etc

This does make me question your boundaries. I'm NOT trying to blame-shift, but have you actually said NO not ever, I definitely don't ever want to do this? because if you say maybe a lot he might genuinely think you are up for being persuaded and even that this is part of the fantasy for you. If I were you (and I'm taking this in isolation but it appears there is way more going on if SS and SW are involved) I'd sit him down and say that you want him to stop asking because while you respect his fantasy it's genuinely and absolutely definitely not something you are willing to do.

MilesHuntsWig · 29/08/2018 09:37

This is just wrong. You don't want to do it, he's not listening and is threatening to go ahead with getting someone to rape you anyway.

End this now, it's beyond wrong and he sounds dangerous.

Explain it to him in very clear terms: I don't want to; you're pressuring me and threatening me with rape. That's wrong and you should know that and respect me more.

Run away.

AgentJohnson · 29/08/2018 09:41

He continually pushes your boundaries because he doesn’t respect you and because he knows that they are very poor. He never shuts up about it because he feels entitled and believes that you will eventually go along with it. Who gives a flying fuck what goes on in other people’s bedrooms? “Is it normal?” isn’t the question, ‘do I want to?’, is.

Your relationship has red flags written all over it and “trying for the kids” is exactly why SS have taken an interest because they question your priorities regarding your children’s well-being.

You are playing with fire by having contact with this manipulative and dangerous man.

merville · 29/08/2018 17:47

AgentJohnson is completely right with the 'do I want to?' rather than 'is it normal or common?' however just to add that no, I certainly wouldn't consider it normal and I'd consider the people who do it to be a non mainstream sub culture.

It would absolutely break most people's hearts and wreck most relationships for someone's partner to have sex with another person.

merville · 29/08/2018 17:48

Let alone them pressuring the other person to do it!

ClaryFray · 29/08/2018 18:25

Surprisingly it's a very common kink, and practiced right between wanting and consenting parties can be fulfilling. What you describe is abuse. Not normal at all. He's using you as a frtish dispenser

butterfly56 · 30/08/2018 19:40

@IsabellaMoltisantixx

I hope you are feeling OK today OP?!
I just wanted to ask if you have thought about talking to Womens Aid they may have some experience and/or advice about how you can go about extricating yourself from this vile man's grip Flowers

Original poster
IsabellaMoltisantixx · 31/08/2018 13:06

@butterfly56

Thanks I'm ok i appreciate everyone's comments
I'm already involved with Iris and Relate as I was adamant I wanted to try work through the relationship , I know it's not the best idea but there's another side to the story involving family, if I don't have him I'd be all on my own because of a delicate family situation

He did ask for the fantasy just the other day again!! But wasn't as persistent

And for all those who have questioned by uncertainty I can't tell you how many times I've said no over and over again, Iv even cried and got out of the house when I've been afraid as to how persistent he was being

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 31/08/2018 13:24

It isn’t in your children’s benefit to stay with someone who threatens to get strangers to rape their mother, abuses their mother and deliberately gives their mother an STD.

Please listen to SW and stay away from him.

subspace · 31/08/2018 18:08

IsabellaI then I'm sorry I doubted you. Of course this is absolutely not okay. From your must recent post there is no doubt that he doesn't understand that it is absolutely not what you want. How sick he must be to keep pressing for it.

Original poster
IsabellaMoltisantixx · 31/08/2018 19:59

The reason I stay is for the children as last time he took children and because of his law enforcement used to take them three times a week
It was heartbreaking being without them three days of week with no contact, I became severely depressed, had a number of panic attacks
He would purposely not txt or contact me on the days when I tried to ask how they were. I tried everything I could but apparently he was within his rights to do this? Older daughter was never happy going, felt like a punishment and I could t handle it at least this way I get to go with the children if that makes sense
I can't handle being away from
Baby it's too heartbreaking especially because she's being left when I'm at work so I feel I hardly see her

OP posts:
Sarahandduck18 · 31/08/2018 20:07

Leave and let him go to court for contact.

Show all these messages and At he is threatening to have you raped.

Children shouldn’t be having contact with this man.

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