'You chose to get fat'!!

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Without going into detail, when discussing clothes yesterday with my husband he said 'well, you chose to get fat'!

After a serious illness and two lots of major surgery/lots of drugs over a period of five years I have gained weight. I have also got an autoimmune condition which means that during a bad spell I spend one of my days off doing nothing but recovering from the week.

I find myself going to work and doing little else because I am spent so yes, I haven't been very active at all. Hands up, but I have ensured that the bills are paid (my job is the steady job, his work is project based).

I feel so resentful and have told him that, he thinks he is completely justified and has said that, advising 'you even stopped stretching' something he does obsessively.

I am so very angry and can't see past it right now. I haven't been sat on my arse eating junk food watching tv, I have been ill, working full time, taking meds which include weight gain as a side effect.

Not sure if I even expect anyone to agree with me, I am just feeling a bit fed up.

Well I'm on your side. What a horrible thing to say, particularly as your weight gain is caused by factors completely outside your control.

Does he discuss weight and clothes size often?

That’s a pretty shocking thing to say, really shocking actually. Not sure i can give any advice.
Does he even realise how hurtful what he said is?

I think I was shocked that he wasn't mortified when I brought up what he had said tbh. I expected him to feel ashamed but he didn't obviously, he repeated it and justified it.

He is a super fit sort (as was I previously).

The conversation came about because I mentioned buying a new dress for a work thing and he said I had bought loads of work clothes and that I had far more clothes than he did. I said well, I have bought new clothes because I needed to as I had gained weight which was when he said 'you chose to get fat'.

What a rude bastard, I can't see past it at the minute!

Does he love you? Or not? That's a very hurtful thing to say to someone you love.

It's going to turn out you're only a size 12-14 and tall, but used to be an 8-10, isn't it?

Super fit sorts who are obsessed with exercise and strict eating regimen are often absolute judgemental, empathy free tossers to anyone not exactly like them.

I guess being a nasty tosser is his choice...

The more you say the worse it is. What would happen if you ended up in a wheelchair?
Or bedridden

I hate to say this but I think a lot of super athletic types who only like other athletic types can be fucking superficial. Flame me down. But that’s my experience. (I’m sure not all are like that)
But life changes. Things happen. It doesn’t make you a failure.
What happened to in sickness and health.
What if he had a serious life changing problem?

Clearly he sees you gaining weight as a failure. Because he’s still fit and healthy.
Sometimes I would love to see these men have to struggle with serious problems.

Whether it’s technically true or not, it’s a horrid thing to say.

Or rather - he chose to be a twat.

If you'd been sitting watching telly, eating junk food he might have a point. But in the circumstances he's just a massive arsehole.

You really need to hand him his arse on a plate - and remind him who's paying the bills.

Whether it’s technically true or not

It's not technically true tho - that's the point.

@blueskiesandforests
Glad I’m not the only one who thinks this.

Super fit sorts who are obsessed with exercise and strict eating regimen are often absolute judgemental, empathy free tossers to anyone not exactly like them.

I have to agree.

I’m sorry op that you haven’t lived up to his shallow expectations of a partner.
Where you go from here I don’t know

Really nasty.

I would respond ‘and you chose to turn into a bit of an arse’

Thanks, I do think that my reaction is a reasonable one.

He is miffed because I am cross and he wanted us to go out and 'have a good day'.

I said, 'what do you mean just sweep this under the carpet and pretend it never happened"? Second conversation (when he justified it) is only a few hours old.

Yes, I guessed right.

Sadly that isn't me so the 'good day' didn't happen.

You could paraphrase the Winston Churchill saying " Well I could lose weight, but you'll always be a judgemental idiot"

What an absolute arse. I'm sure you're loving the fact you've put on weight after illness and previously being fit. Not to mention the illness in itself! What's he like when you are ill? Does he look after you? The fact you even go to work is something. I put on 4 stone (from 9st to 13st) during pregnancy/autoimmune disease diagnosis/medication and treatment, not once did my partner call me fat or belittle me, he did nothing but support me. Even with his support it's been tough going, I can't imagine how it must feel to be told that like it's been a choice of yours. I hope you're doing better now illness wise at least.

Fitness bores often aren't terribly nice or clever.

Odd, really, because if exercise and healthy eating really delivered what they promised, these people would be Zen calm, empathetic and brainy.

OP, you're on the wrong end of a really nasty, silly remark.

Dh only understands my health condition because two of his colleagues have it - otherwise he would totally assume I was making it up. Its this weird dismissiveness/superiority. Sorry he said that OP, hold him to account.

Nobody chooses to get fat. No overweight person ever looked at another picture and said that that was how they wanted to be. If he thinks they do then he is an utter arsewipe and I would be telling him precisely that.

I too am overweight because of medical problems, one of them autoimmune. It isn't a choice I made. You have my sympathy. My DH used to be clumsy in his dealings with it (tact was not his middle name when younger) but after a fair few ear bashings from me and my refusal to just brush dickish remarks under the carpet, he has learned and we are now out of it on the other side. If he hadn't been able to learn and back off we wouldn't still be together.

Stick to your guns. Tell him that there is no possible justification for his nasty comments and you have no intention of letting him speak to you like that.

For context was a size ten but now a sixteen so nearly three stone, a fair bit of weight (was a size ten after pregnancies so not baby related weight just recent illness).

Do you know what though, I really like who I am, I am a great mum, have a lovely family, good career, try to be a decent person (for instance I never say anything I would be ashamed to admit to.

I just happen to have gained weight (more surgery due in the next couple of months).

Sadly teenage DC overheard today’s conversation and can’t believe what was said!

Not sure I will be getting over this quickly.

Yeah you sound like a fat cow and you should exercise some more so you’re not such a disappointed to him.
That’s what he’s basically saying to your face.
You’ve let him down op. Shame on you

Have just worked out my bmi, almost 28.

WHO GIVES A FUCK
You’ve been ill. You need support.
He said this in front of your children. Even they have more empathy than him.