Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'You chose to get fat'!!

80 replies

namechangealert123 · 27/08/2018 15:23

Without going into detail, when discussing clothes yesterday with my husband he said 'well, you chose to get fat'!

After a serious illness and two lots of major surgery/lots of drugs over a period of five years I have gained weight. I have also got an autoimmune condition which means that during a bad spell I spend one of my days off doing nothing but recovering from the week.

I find myself going to work and doing little else because I am spent so yes, I haven't been very active at all. Hands up, but I have ensured that the bills are paid (my job is the steady job, his work is project based).

I feel so resentful and have told him that, he thinks he is completely justified and has said that, advising 'you even stopped stretching' something he does obsessively.

I am so very angry and can't see past it right now. I haven't been sat on my arse eating junk food watching tv, I have been ill, working full time, taking meds which include weight gain as a side effect.

Not sure if I even expect anyone to agree with me, I am just feeling a bit fed up.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangealert123 · 27/08/2018 21:02

I need someone here Abbie, DC need lifts to places they need to be and I have got a dog that needs looking after. The hospital need an adult to be here after I come home from surgery.

My siblings have their own lives/kids/work and I don't have anyone else to ask.

OP posts:
RomanyRoots · 27/08/2018 21:12

Bloody hell I'm all for calling a spade a spade and both me and dh have told the other that we were getting a bit fat, but not like this and not when it isn't the persons fault.

If your bmi is 28 that is fine, maybe a bit overweight but not obese iirc.
I think there are warnings of diabetes, and other medical conditions if your waist measurement is over 35".

Your dh is an arse and doesn't sound like he was telling you out of concern, tell him to stfu and please be proud of how you have held it together with so many obstacles, not least a twat of a dh. Thanks

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 27/08/2018 21:23

My advice is to ltb. He isn't contributing anything positive to this relationship. You deserve better. Even if you don't feel up to it right now, I think getting him out of your house should be your aim.
If push came to shove, could you pay for home help? It might turn out to be the best money you ever spend, if you could afford it.

Original poster
namechangealert123 · 27/08/2018 21:37

I have thought of home help Wanna but I don't think I can make it work.

I would need home help, taxis and a dog walker and I am not exactly sure what to expect financially at the minute. Me and DC will be staying in the family home that is absolutely certain. I am not going anywhere but I will need to be careful with my money.

I think I can bear it for as long as it takes and on a good day having him here would probably be better for DCs who will be worrying about me being ill.

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 27/08/2018 21:55

Might be better anyway to take your time and act on your own terms, when you are feeling better and have had time to consider finances.

lowtide · 27/08/2018 22:03

Just get better and think about your future in the long term.
Don’t try and overload yourself now
No partner is perfect, but one should alwsys expect the person to care for you.
People care for strangers? If you’re not being cared for it means there is no respect.
And respect is the fundamental part of any relationship impo

Plannergirl9 · 27/08/2018 22:04

It might help to think of him as a part of your illness. Once you have surgery and have recovered, you can/will be recovered from him.

dragonflyflew · 28/08/2018 02:39

Poor you. Like some other posters on here I put on huge amounts of weight dyeto disease, meds and chronic pain/fatigue and inability to do fat burning exercise. I hate what my body's become.
My exh never mentioned it disparagingly but my abusive rebound boyfriend did and I was mortified and quite devastated.
He sounds a cunt.
I have disabilities and work two jobs with two small kids. I'm on my own and I manage. It's not easy but is rather do it alone than have somebody being cruel to me about situations beyond my control.
If you choose to split you will find ways to manage and adapt your lifestyle I promise.

Original poster
namechangealert123 · 28/08/2018 06:11

I will be fine financially wanna. I have told my lovely parents what is going on and even though I will be able to survive well enough they will insist on paying me a monthly allowance because they don't want me to have any worries.

I would struggle with spending hundreds of pounds on help though.

I won't need to adapt my lifestyle dragon, just get over the bump of having surgery, then I will be fine.

I quite like this ..

It might help to think of him as a part of your illness. Once you have surgery and have recovered, you can/will be recovered from him.

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 28/08/2018 07:39

I'm glad you'll be okay financially and that your parents are supportive.

DownTownAbbey · 28/08/2018 07:58

I'm willing to bet that after you've recovered from surgery and then had the ugly lump removed you'll feel sooo much better.

silkpyjamasallday · 28/08/2018 08:11

Oh OP, he sounds so nasty, you will most definitely be better off without him. I wish you the best of luck with your surgery, and I hope your recovery and freedom from this twat are swift. Flowers

Original poster
namechangealert123 · 28/08/2018 08:29

It is so good to hear the reactions of normal people on this as living with someone like this for a very long time makes you doubt yourself a little bit at times.

He tries to dictate to DC too but I speak out. For instance, one of them struggles with maths, bottom set (at a really high achieving school). He tries to force maths on this child daily which makes them very resentful and they dread it.

When I intervene I am irresponsible. Irresponsible because I didn't make them do maths for two weeks during our holiday (he wasn't there).

When I said that my nieces and nephews weren't subjected to this sort of lark, that they were encouraged and shepherded but not 'forced' his response was that 'they could sit and pick their nose all through high school with that family's money behind them'. WTAF!

He thinks he is a good person, good dad, probably not a good husband because he doesn't particularly want to be. If I didn't stand up for myself and my DC we would be squashed.

See why I said 'without going into detail' in my OP. I wanted views on that particular interlude without colouring it.

OP posts:
AbbieLexie · 31/08/2018 12:42

Flowers Life is **it sometimes Flowers Surviving this will be a means to an end. {flowers]

HeckyPeck · 31/08/2018 12:53

I have carried on for the sake of DC but actually think I would rather give them the example of a strong independent single parent than the example of a woman who is spoken to in the way he has spoken to me in front of them this weekend.

I think this is very true. He sounds awful and I hope once you’re recovered you’ll be free of him.

raisedbyguineapigs · 31/08/2018 13:06

If your family are wealthy enough for them not to suffer if they give you money for a carer post op, I'd take the money and get rid of him. That's what money is for imo. To make life easier for the people you love when they are in need. Now you have to rely on him, stressing you and your children out. That's not going to be helpful to your recovery. He sounds petty and jealous of you and your family. The only way he is 'better' than you is that he is fitter. That's not much of an achievement if you are a dick in every other way.

AgentJohnson · 31/08/2018 13:26

I'm glad he said this. It hopefully will be the kick up the bum you needed to lose a llot of man sized dead weight.

MiggledyHiggins · 31/08/2018 14:18

Get over the surgery first. Then tackle him. And while you are laid up you can use that time to plan your new life and sort out any paperwork or legal stuff you need to put in place.

Original poster
namechangealert123 · 31/08/2018 16:59

Update, he is leaving once he has sorted out somewhere to live (couple of weeks I guess). I couldn't do it. I didn't want to live in limbo for months and his repeated justification for the fat comment and then subsequent denial of how it arose just topped it off.

You can't deny something that DC have overheard and reacted to!

I will manage, my family are in a position to help but I don't like to take advantage of them, as it turns out a sibling can clear his diary and come to stay for a couple of weeks. He is a nice guy and it will be nice to have him around.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 31/08/2018 17:00

Result.

Sounds like you’ll be much happier without him.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 31/08/2018 17:10

You move fast woman! Well done, he’s a fitness bore, and a nasty one at that. It’s natural to put on weight as we get older, and you have many more reasons to do so.

You’re clearly capable of forging ahead on your own. Onwards and upwards.

bobstersmum · 31/08/2018 17:15

I had a friend who's partner was just like your dh he was very cruel and scathing about her appearance, your dh's initials aren't DJ are they?

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 31/08/2018 17:17

Great update!

pointythings · 31/08/2018 17:21

Brilliant update, well done being so strong and firm with him! Your life is going to be immeasurably better without him in it.

Original poster
namechangealert123 · 31/08/2018 18:14

Everyone I have told irl has been Shock, the overriding response was a) nasty, b) life is too short, c) you have a great job, family and are strong and capable why would you put up with that?

Well I have done it, I have told the people I report to at work (who are all remote as I head up an organisation) and will have all the support I need should I need it there.

Can you imagine how you would feel as a mother if it was one of your DC on the receiving end. My own (elderly) mum is breathing fire (she is tiny but fierce)!.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread