'You chose to get fat'!!

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Without going into detail, when discussing clothes yesterday with my husband he said 'well, you chose to get fat'!

After a serious illness and two lots of major surgery/lots of drugs over a period of five years I have gained weight. I have also got an autoimmune condition which means that during a bad spell I spend one of my days off doing nothing but recovering from the week.

I find myself going to work and doing little else because I am spent so yes, I haven't been very active at all. Hands up, but I have ensured that the bills are paid (my job is the steady job, his work is project based).

I feel so resentful and have told him that, he thinks he is completely justified and has said that, advising 'you even stopped stretching' something he does obsessively.

I am so very angry and can't see past it right now. I haven't been sat on my arse eating junk food watching tv, I have been ill, working full time, taking meds which include weight gain as a side effect.

Not sure if I even expect anyone to agree with me, I am just feeling a bit fed up.

He sounds like a giant douche canoe. How horrid. If he had gained the weight I would imagine he would be incredibly hurt if you brought it up? Who gives a shit what you weigh, you're still the person he married. Just a question of now you know what he really thinks is HE the person you bought you'd married?

*thought not bought

I feel very cross and rather sad, reading this. Does he claim to love you? Do you feel that he really does?

He sounds quite horrible. Is he usually so lacking in empathy? So lacking in intelligence - ability to grasp basic facts and the connections between them? He comes across here as shallow and unpleasant.

As a random reaction, the 'obsessive stretching' comment immediately made me think of him as narrow-minded and judegemental. I suppose it's just that people who are obsessive about anything are not usually good at looking beyond that thing or outside their narrow focus. Something about stretching too though....

I'm afraid it reads as if he loved you for who you were, when you 'matched him' well. Now that you've changed in a relatively minor way (he should be more concerned about the impact of your illness on you, than your appearance, or the way he thinks this reflects on him) he feels differently about you. This makes him sound very shallow and materialistic.

Surely he should be endlessly grateful to you on two counts; that your steady job allows him to pursue the project-based work he presumably prefers and, that you've risked your health to create your wonderful dcs.

Stop telling him what you weigh. He has no right to know, and if he can't be respectful don't tell him anything. He doesn't deserve to know.

And your BMI is far better than mine. If you want to try and lose weight then make sure you are doing it for yourself, not for him.

I'd be delighted if I could get down to your BMI. He is being an arse. Tell him so.

OP I'm the same as you - was a 10, now a 16, BMI just about 28. My only 'excuse' is having a baby (which is no excuse at all really) and wish I could shift the pounds! I would be so upset if DH made that comment to me. What a horrible thing to say. He sounds utterly lacking in compassion and understanding.

He doesn’t know what I weigh Topsey.

I will focus on losing weight post recovery from surgery next month and rest assured it will be for no one else other than me and my health.

I am not sure where this is going to be honest, I can’t see me wanting anything to do with him again right now.

He actually made a scathing comment about my IQ last night (in front of DC) come to think about it, because he considers himself intellectually superior to almost everyone.

DC had spent half an hour competitively doing a free IQ test online.

My response was that an IQ is just a number and not representative of life skills or ability so is just a number not worth getting hung up on. I have always earned more than him and am massively practical whereas he is not at all practical. I joined in and then he refused to do the test himself! Obviously just in case his score was less than anyone else’s.

It is getting worse isn’t it!

"You chose to be a cunt" would be my parting shot.

He thinks he’s god’s gift eh?

Yuck.

Not great for the DC.

My first thought was the same as NottheFord

He sounds like quite an unpleasant man. What is he actually bringing to your life that is positive?

People with his attitude have no resources or coping mechanisms when it happens to them.

I assumed he knew your weight because he had worked out your BMI.

Anyway, yes, it does get worse with your last update and he sounds like a snobbish, patronising twat to be honest.

Do you actually love him. I mean proper love. Supported. Cared for? A team?

Do you think he loves you? Do you tho k he would care and support you through everything. Have empathy for you. Look after you when you’re at your lowest ebb?

@UpstartCrow
Totally. I know it’s horrible to wish bad things on people. But people like him, god I wish something bad happened. Then they might get some perspective on life.
Oh how awful I had to end up in a wheelchair and now I feel emasculated- fucking cry me a river.

Good job he won't be wanting sex anytime soon. Idiot. Never make his favourite dinner, feed him lettuce and cottage cheese.
16 is not exactly elephantine. With luck it rains on his birthday.
Is he kicking you because you're vulnerable, cross because you are ill or some other fuckery?
Hope surgery is successful, get well soon.

That's harsh. Id get him told off for being so insensitive. My OH can be quite harsh at times and I often forgive it as english is his second language but if he doesn't get why I am offended I explain it. Most of the time he is mortified when he realises but recently with my weight he explained he thought he had better say something as I'd be angry if he didn't. I can't argue with that as I have went up almost 2 dress sizes in a little over a year but the truth hurts! X

Sorry OP that's me just caught up with the rest of your posts and he is a dickhead no doubt about it. I posted without reading the thread properly so retract my earlier defending him as his behaviour is inexcusable. It's sounds like verbal abuse tbh x

Don’t discuss buying new clothes with him anymore - the rude BASTARD. You mention having a good family get their opinion on what you look good in.

He actually made a scathing comment about my IQ last night (in front of DC) come to think about it, because he considers himself intellectually superior to almost everyone.

He’s basically a massive tosser on all fronts.

What do you get from this relationship other than insults?

Thats a disgusting thing for him to say to you 😡 you have been ill which has affected you. He needs to be making an apology asap

Believe it or not he is currently meant to be making an effort but I wanted opinions on his recent comments about me in isolation without all that baggage.

No, we are definitely not 'team', but he seems to think that we are!

I bear the burden of everything domestic and he is a passenger in our family life, entirely selfish most of the time.

I don't think he knows the real meaning of love to be honest.

I have carried on for the sake of DC but actually think I would rather give them the example of a strong independent single parent than the example of a woman who is spoken to in the way he has spoken to me in front of them this weekend.

I’m sorry op. It sounds pretty dreadful.
Only you know what toy cans do.
I think everyone deserves to have someone on their side x

Must add that I won't be able to drive post surgery, or go upstairs etc., etc., which is how him staying and 'making an effort/trying to make things work' came about. Only it hasn't happened.

OK, so you lie low until you are recovered, get your ducks in a row and then get rid of this POS. You deserve so much better! You are a strong, capable woman and you know that your teenagers will be learning all the wrong things from him.

And who knows, maybe you will met someone who actually appreciates the person you really are.

He sounds really horrible, OP.

weight gain for similar reasons here. I've been medically retired but prior it was working to pay bills etc and resting when not to recover to repeat the cycle. Over the last 2 years I've felt well/able enough to begin to tackle my weight gain through exercise. My DP of 17 years has never once made a -ve comment about my weight - he's far more concerned about my health issues. I'm certainly not the sylph like person he met now.
I think you could manage without him. I went up and downstairs on my bottom. Don't know if that's an option for you. Budget for a cleaner for a few weeks. Shop online.