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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP lying about drug use

90 replies

Amelia499 · 26/08/2018 19:11

We’re both 26, don’t have kids and live together. I know he used to take stuff heavily when he was younger, made it out like it was all for fun but a few stories he has told me seemed more like an addiction. I know he took coke a few times at the start of our relationship, I went crazy and told him that has never been my lifestyle and I don’t really see a future with someone that does take anything like that. That was 3 years ago, I’ve caught him twice after that not too long ago but he always comes up with these big excuses and turns it around to make me feel like I’m over reacting and it’s not that big of a deal. I know loads of people our age do stuff like that at the weekend, but me and my friends have never been like that, we enjoy a drink but have never dabbled with drugs. Last year at my brothers 21st my friend told me he has white powder round his nose, when I spoke to him the next day about it he said she was lying and it must have been my makeup when I kissed him. I stupidly believed him but then went through his phone (I know that’s not right) and found a text from his friend saying he’ll drop stuff off for him. I felt disgusted that he took coke at my brothers party with all my friends and family, but I brushed it under the carpet because I didn’t want to tell him I went through his phone. Fast forward to last night, we’re out with my family for drinks and he comes back from the toilet with white around his nose. My heart sunk and I had to go outside, I couldn’t believe he would do that infront of my family and disrespect me like that. We’re saving for a mortgage so we’re back living with my mum and dad, so every penny counts right now and he’s blowing it to sniff shit up his nose. I asked him about it when drunk last night and he said it was talcum powder that was in the men’s toilet after cleaning his hands and it must have got on his face etc. I stupidly believed that and actually apologised to him, I feel so let down and weak. This morning when he was asleep his wallet was lying on the floor, I picked it up and I saw a little plastic bag with white powder hanging out one of the compartments so I looked properly and there it was. I said to him he’s got once last chance to tell me everything and he sat with a smirk on his face and acted like he had no clue was I was talking about, then said it was from another night and that it’s no big deal. I’m over reacting, it’s my fault that he’s not able to talk to me about wanting to take coke on nights out with his mates and that’s why he covers it up. I feel so disgusted that I genuinely saw a future with this guy, I’m so heartbroken and feel like the trust is gone. He said it’s not like he’s cheated on me and everyone does coke now and again, a few hours later he said sorry and that it was a mistake, I said I don’t trust him and it’s not a sincere apology. So he’s went back to sulking in the corner and keeps saying just make up your mind so I know whether to leave or not. I can’t bring myself to say the words it’s over, I don’t want it to be. I’ve worked so hard in this relationship and gave him my all but I know I don’t deserve this either. Please tell me if I’m over reacting or if I should just let him go

OP posts:
Thisisnotwhatiwant · 26/08/2018 19:14

Leave him now... several other threads on here about drug taking partners with debts. You’re just inviting trouble ahead.

Wheelerdeeler · 26/08/2018 19:15

Please let him go. He prefers drugs to you.

pisces7268 · 26/08/2018 19:15

I don't think you're overreacting

Cockapoomummy · 26/08/2018 19:16

Leave him.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/08/2018 19:16

Let him go! Sorry but not everyone does coke, I’ve never taken it in my life. It’s not just the fact he did it which is why you need to walk away but more the lying and the attempt at justifying. Honestly cut your loses before you are bound by finances then that really will be a bloody mess.

HollowTalk · 26/08/2018 19:17

End it now before he drags you right down. There will never, ever be a good ending to this story.

Eminado · 26/08/2018 19:18

Please kick him out.
You are with your parents - they will look after you.

Life is too short to take on a lying, addict with no respect for you when you don’t have to.

Get him to go today. Please.

I’m sorry. You will be fine though.

supadupapupascupa · 26/08/2018 19:18

As scary as this seems, please kick him out. He is being blasé about it, has no intention of stopping and it’s not how you want to live. I speak from experience. This won’t end well

ElspethFlashman · 26/08/2018 19:19

Shit or get off the pot. It's either a deal breaker or it's not.

Babdoc · 26/08/2018 19:22

So he’s a liar and a sulker who abuses class A drugs, then gaslights you to make it your fault for fussing over “nothing”.
Why exactly do you want to stay with this charmer? So you can fund his drug habit? So you can visit him in prison? So you can have him model this life style to your future children?
For goodness’ sake, OP - use your common sense and end this now. Don’t waste any more time, affection or energy on this chap who obviously prefers coke to you.

Oddcat · 26/08/2018 19:22

Please don't get a mortgage with this man and for gods sake don't have kids with him.

You life will be one round of doubt , lies, mistrust and misery . Find your self worth and do better for yourself .

CantankerousCamel · 26/08/2018 19:23

If he was heading out once a month even and spending £50 on a gram with his mates I would say yabu.

But he is absolutely far more involved than that if he’s on it in pub toilets on his own.

Get out now. This man will stick your house up his nose. Fuck him right off

milienhaus · 26/08/2018 19:25

He smirks when he’s found out? I don’t think you want to deal with this for the rest of your life. If it’s a big deal for you that’s all that matters and him telling you you’re overreacting is him not respecting you I’m afraid.

Onthebrink87 · 26/08/2018 19:25

As soon as you hear 'at least I didnt' it's time to leave

jumpingeasel · 26/08/2018 19:26

Well you've had plenty of evidence staring you in the face - you're the one that said it was a deal breaker, so you need to follow through with your threat.

SofiaAmes · 26/08/2018 19:27

LEAVE NOW!!!! and please DO NOT have kids with him. I did not leave and did have kids with my now ex and his addictions destroyed my life and my dc's lives.

ParkheadParadise · 26/08/2018 19:28

Leave and don't look back.
Sadly I speak from experience. I fucking hate drugs.

fiercelikefrida · 26/08/2018 19:29

Leave him, this will not get any better.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/08/2018 19:32

Get rid RIGHT NOW. Staying with him will be the biggest mistake of your life. You have no entanglements, no kids. Run for your life.

heartyrebel · 26/08/2018 19:34

He doesn't respect you. This situation will not get better. The lies will make you question yourself, it will affect your self esteem. He'll start lying more .
Some of us have been here before.
If I could rewind my history I'd save myself from 5 years of heartache and get out now.

Justmuddlingalong · 26/08/2018 19:37

Yip. Throw him back. He's prioritizing drugs over you, your relationship, your savings and your whole future. Don't stay with him because of a sunken cost fallacy.

esk1mo · 26/08/2018 19:37

you only know the times he’s taken it when you’ve caught him. there will be many more times that you are unaware of.

his attitude is disgusting aswell. not to mention, he doesn’t have a problem with what he’s doing. you can’t convince him it’s wrong if he doesn’t want to believe it is.

coke these days can cost £100 per gram, so god knows how much hes spending per month. eventually he may not be able to afford it, and will start getting drugs “on tic” where he will owe drug dealers money. there are the health problems too, i know someone who had a stroke in his 30s and STILL takes it.

it also changes people, they become cocky and arrogant when on it, and it usually leads to cheating.

do you want that for your future?

Thingsdogetbetter · 26/08/2018 19:38

Why have you had to work so hard on this relationship? Do you mean you've done all the work and he just pleases himself? It's not supposed to be hard work. It's supposed to be a partnership, where you ard supposed to respect and support each other. This sounds like a one way street. You give, he takes. That's not love, that's codependency.

He takes drugs at your FAMILY gatherings, that suggests he's taking it a lot more than he's admitting to. He lies to you and then blames you for MAKING him lie because you're so 'unreasonable'. Talc? Really? He's spending £80 a pop minimum when you're BOTH supposed to be saving. He belittles you for not seeing drugs as normal. And instead of doing the decent thing, he's forcing you to make the decision on him leaving because he thinks you love him too much to put yourself first for a change.

It's not just about the drugs, it's the lies, the disrespect,

the lack of consideration for you AND your family.

Love isn't enough, when the other person doesn't care! You cannot change a man who doesn't think he needs to change.

WingsofNylon · 26/08/2018 19:50

Your life preferences don't match up. Leave him now and get on with your life. Don't try to guilt him of give him ultimatums just cleanly break up and move on.

DonkeyPlease · 26/08/2018 19:51

Op he's very very clear about who he is, what he thinks is ok, and what he expects from you.

You need to get clear on what YOU want your life to look like.

He's showing and telling what he's offering. I sense you're spending a huge amount of energy painstakingly attempting to ignore what he's plainly, loudly telling you. I urge you to get real. Putting your fingers in your ears and humming will not save you from the hell of a relationship with someone who doesn't give a single fuck what you feel.