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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP lying about drug use

90 replies

Amelia499 · 26/08/2018 19:11

We’re both 26, don’t have kids and live together. I know he used to take stuff heavily when he was younger, made it out like it was all for fun but a few stories he has told me seemed more like an addiction. I know he took coke a few times at the start of our relationship, I went crazy and told him that has never been my lifestyle and I don’t really see a future with someone that does take anything like that. That was 3 years ago, I’ve caught him twice after that not too long ago but he always comes up with these big excuses and turns it around to make me feel like I’m over reacting and it’s not that big of a deal. I know loads of people our age do stuff like that at the weekend, but me and my friends have never been like that, we enjoy a drink but have never dabbled with drugs. Last year at my brothers 21st my friend told me he has white powder round his nose, when I spoke to him the next day about it he said she was lying and it must have been my makeup when I kissed him. I stupidly believed him but then went through his phone (I know that’s not right) and found a text from his friend saying he’ll drop stuff off for him. I felt disgusted that he took coke at my brothers party with all my friends and family, but I brushed it under the carpet because I didn’t want to tell him I went through his phone. Fast forward to last night, we’re out with my family for drinks and he comes back from the toilet with white around his nose. My heart sunk and I had to go outside, I couldn’t believe he would do that infront of my family and disrespect me like that. We’re saving for a mortgage so we’re back living with my mum and dad, so every penny counts right now and he’s blowing it to sniff shit up his nose. I asked him about it when drunk last night and he said it was talcum powder that was in the men’s toilet after cleaning his hands and it must have got on his face etc. I stupidly believed that and actually apologised to him, I feel so let down and weak. This morning when he was asleep his wallet was lying on the floor, I picked it up and I saw a little plastic bag with white powder hanging out one of the compartments so I looked properly and there it was. I said to him he’s got once last chance to tell me everything and he sat with a smirk on his face and acted like he had no clue was I was talking about, then said it was from another night and that it’s no big deal. I’m over reacting, it’s my fault that he’s not able to talk to me about wanting to take coke on nights out with his mates and that’s why he covers it up. I feel so disgusted that I genuinely saw a future with this guy, I’m so heartbroken and feel like the trust is gone. He said it’s not like he’s cheated on me and everyone does coke now and again, a few hours later he said sorry and that it was a mistake, I said I don’t trust him and it’s not a sincere apology. So he’s went back to sulking in the corner and keeps saying just make up your mind so I know whether to leave or not. I can’t bring myself to say the words it’s over, I don’t want it to be. I’ve worked so hard in this relationship and gave him my all but I know I don’t deserve this either. Please tell me if I’m over reacting or if I should just let him go

OP posts:
Doublevodka · 27/08/2018 08:39

Please end it now. It will be very hard but it will be much harder when you have a home together and children. Sadly my cousin has developed a serious coke addiction and he has gone from a lovely, caring man to a lying, thieving waster. To see his treatment of all his family and the distress it has brought his partner and children is truly heart breaking. So sorry you are in this situation but try and be strong. This is not what you want for your future.

Maybugger · 27/08/2018 08:47

....so nice and loving...
He's a lying, deceitful drug addict op. The only thing he loves is his coke, despite what you think.
For heaven's sake kick him out - do your parents know he's taking drugs in their house? I bet they'd be furious if they knew.

Bananalanacake · 27/08/2018 08:49

Don't buy a house with him. Can you give him back what he paid in and buy a house on your own.

OrdinaryGirl · 27/08/2018 08:53

Didn't need to read your full post before I drafted my reply.
*'DP lying about drug use'
*
To quote another wise MNer,

OliviaBenson · 27/08/2018 08:59

The thing is op, he might be nice to you now (when he's not off his face) but addiction isn't static, he will get worse.

Don't fall for the sunken costs fallacy. You won't meet anyone while still in a relationship with a dead beat drug addict.

It's also very telling how it's your fault for finding the drugs- he's taking no responsibility is he?

I'll wager he takes it far more regularly than you think, he's just hiding it from you.

Get rid and you can meet someone nice.

Toofle · 27/08/2018 09:04

I wonder why he couldn't stay at his dad's.

offside · 27/08/2018 09:11

Leave, get out now and don’t look back.

I say this as someone whose DB has a coke addiction which was cleverly disguised for decades - well, brushed under the carpet!

We ended up having to go to family therapy it caused that much disruption when it eventually came out, he had solo therapy but it didn’t work. He’s back on it, worse than ever and unemployed with debts racked up to his eyeballs. And let’s not mention the unsavouries who have knocked on my parents door more than a handful of times for payment. Ask yourself if you want this, if you want the worry of it when you have children, if you want to be the one who has to take him to hospital when he overdoeses or gets a bad batch - happened twice to my DB.

Don’t do it to yourself, you’re still so young and have so much life ahead of you, don’t tie yourself down with this worry.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 27/08/2018 09:22

Boot him out - he can go and stay with family or friends of his own.

He's addicted. You don't take drugs at a family gathering with your girlfriend's parents unless you need to.

He's a liar because he is trying to protect his addiction.

Pack his stuff whilst he's out. Tell your parents the truth and ask them to be with you when he comes back, so that you have some support and he can't try and talk you round.

RabbitsAreTasty · 27/08/2018 09:39

Pack his stuff whilst he's out. Tell your parents the truth and ask them to be with you when he comes back, so that you have some support and he can't try and talk you round.

This. Do this.

LusaCole · 27/08/2018 09:44

I can't believe he's blaming you for not accepting his apology and moving on. He thinks you're a complete doormat doesn't he? How on earth is any of this your fault? It's his fault for taking the drugs. So glad you've decided to ditch him OP.

MissP103 · 27/08/2018 15:05

So hes repeatedly lied to you, doing something totally against what you believe in and you're still foolishly asking if you're overreacting. Dump him and take some time to figure out why you cant work out these massive red flags for yourself. You know deep down that this won't last. Your choice to keep believing him when you know what hes about.

ReallyIsThatSo · 27/08/2018 15:49

OP - cocaine makes even the best of people arseholes. But they love doing it because it’s addictive. I know people still doing it now in their 50’s, who have kids now in their 20’s and who bleated on about weaning on organic food 19 years ago ffs!

It’s a bloody awful drug in reality - you have standards and boundaries and know about respect.

That smirk on being challenged - says it all.

Leave him to it and get rid. I don’t really care about people around me taking cocaine but I know the ones that do are truly shitty fuck-ups and it’s not really conducive to anything other than the circles doing it. They have careers and beautiful houses yet can’t have a gathering without it.

To think it’s ok to do this in front of your family fills me with absolute rage having read the path you’re on.

He’s a disrespectful shit, and it won’t get any better if he’s banging that up his nose with your parents present, you’ll be the one with the lovely house wiping down the sides before the kids get up in years to come.

It’s not your world, move on. He won’t stop doing it. You deserve someone with the same values.

lifebegins50 · 27/08/2018 16:45

I’m ashamed to say I do feel like that right now that even if I do leave, I won’t meet someone as nice or loving

If I can sense this from your post that you don't value yourself so will bf which is why his behaviour will get worse.

I spent my 20s with a drinker, truly lovely man BUT my life could never progress as you get dragged down. I look back and wonder why I didn't value myself.

What if I assured you that you COULD meet another man who didn't have an addiction, would you leave?

Graphista · 27/08/2018 18:33

What if we said to you that meeting a man is NOT as important as you think it? Because it really isn't. I remember not much younger than you thinking the same, I look back now and think I was insane!

That instead of thinking I'd be 'left on the shelf' (at all of 23!) I should have taken the opportunity to go travelling, meet people from all kinds of backgrounds, have adventures...

20's is actually quite young to 'settle down' especially if you've not long left uni. Live a bit more, get to know yourself - THEN you'll have a much better idea of the right partner for you when the time is actually right.

How long you been together with this guy?

bringbacksideburns · 27/08/2018 19:57

I hope you've not backed down OP?

Chances are he's probably racked up debts already.
You can do much better than this I'm sure.

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