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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP lying about drug use

90 replies

Amelia499 · 26/08/2018 19:11

We’re both 26, don’t have kids and live together. I know he used to take stuff heavily when he was younger, made it out like it was all for fun but a few stories he has told me seemed more like an addiction. I know he took coke a few times at the start of our relationship, I went crazy and told him that has never been my lifestyle and I don’t really see a future with someone that does take anything like that. That was 3 years ago, I’ve caught him twice after that not too long ago but he always comes up with these big excuses and turns it around to make me feel like I’m over reacting and it’s not that big of a deal. I know loads of people our age do stuff like that at the weekend, but me and my friends have never been like that, we enjoy a drink but have never dabbled with drugs. Last year at my brothers 21st my friend told me he has white powder round his nose, when I spoke to him the next day about it he said she was lying and it must have been my makeup when I kissed him. I stupidly believed him but then went through his phone (I know that’s not right) and found a text from his friend saying he’ll drop stuff off for him. I felt disgusted that he took coke at my brothers party with all my friends and family, but I brushed it under the carpet because I didn’t want to tell him I went through his phone. Fast forward to last night, we’re out with my family for drinks and he comes back from the toilet with white around his nose. My heart sunk and I had to go outside, I couldn’t believe he would do that infront of my family and disrespect me like that. We’re saving for a mortgage so we’re back living with my mum and dad, so every penny counts right now and he’s blowing it to sniff shit up his nose. I asked him about it when drunk last night and he said it was talcum powder that was in the men’s toilet after cleaning his hands and it must have got on his face etc. I stupidly believed that and actually apologised to him, I feel so let down and weak. This morning when he was asleep his wallet was lying on the floor, I picked it up and I saw a little plastic bag with white powder hanging out one of the compartments so I looked properly and there it was. I said to him he’s got once last chance to tell me everything and he sat with a smirk on his face and acted like he had no clue was I was talking about, then said it was from another night and that it’s no big deal. I’m over reacting, it’s my fault that he’s not able to talk to me about wanting to take coke on nights out with his mates and that’s why he covers it up. I feel so disgusted that I genuinely saw a future with this guy, I’m so heartbroken and feel like the trust is gone. He said it’s not like he’s cheated on me and everyone does coke now and again, a few hours later he said sorry and that it was a mistake, I said I don’t trust him and it’s not a sincere apology. So he’s went back to sulking in the corner and keeps saying just make up your mind so I know whether to leave or not. I can’t bring myself to say the words it’s over, I don’t want it to be. I’ve worked so hard in this relationship and gave him my all but I know I don’t deserve this either. Please tell me if I’m over reacting or if I should just let him go

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 26/08/2018 19:55

Yuk. Get rid.

Most of us have gone through the whole drugs thing and got it out of our system by the time we are his age.

There's something deeply unattractive about a man off his tits and pretending he's not - or spending too much on booze.

And it's the last person you should be thinking about a future, mortgage, kids etc with because he can't even be honest with you about it.

BBALLFUN · 26/08/2018 20:02

Weird that no one suggests to stay and help him through his addiction. Harsh guys!

DonkeyPlease · 26/08/2018 20:07

@BBALLFUN

The op is a woman looking for a partner. She is not a mental health nurse or an addictions worker looking for a pro bono client.

And even if she were the latter - she'd need her client to, at minimum, actually want to stop taking cocaine Hmm

I have wonderful news for you: women are not obliged to "heal" men who are fucked up and refuse to take responsibility for it.

The world would be a better place if such men were left to their own devices unless and until they engage with and take accountability for their recovery process.

OP: you aren't this man's whipping boy or emotional rubbish bin. YOU get to decide what your life will look like. If you want it to include cocaine at family parties, then look no further.

BBALLFUN · 26/08/2018 20:16

Ah you sound lovely @DonkeyPlease 😘

RabbitsAreTasty · 26/08/2018 20:18

Tell him to leave.

He takes so much coke that he can't even hold off at your family event, can't even get it up his nose properly and didn't even bother looking in a mirror to check he was OK.

Then a smirk!

He knows this is the moment, the test. If you don't break up then he's good to keep snorting, no matter what you say.

He can start on other bad things too. You like to shout about your boundaries but you don't enforce them so he can treat them as irrelevant noise from your face to be ignored.

Why on earth have you been working hard on this relationship? What does that even mean when you are in your twenties dating with no children? What relationship work could possibly be needed?

Amelia499 · 26/08/2018 20:19

My family supported him when he no longer wanted contact with his dad. When we had our own flat, we took in his sister for 9 months until we decided to move back in with my family to properly save for a mortgage. He’s been really moody the last few weeks and I’ve tried my hardest to make living with my parents easier for us both but especially him. I’ve probably babied him and he thinks he can just take the piss out of me now. Everyone is right, he had no respect and puts drugs above me.

OP posts:
RabbitsAreTasty · 26/08/2018 20:21

Talcum powder. Are you having a laugh? You did not really accept that explanation did you? He will be pissing himself laughing with his dealer about you.

DonkeyPlease · 26/08/2018 20:22

@BBALLFUN thank you, I am pretty lovely tbh

RabbitsAreTasty · 26/08/2018 20:23

He has been moody when living rent free at your parents' house? Are you kidding? And your reaction was to be extra nice to him? Do you see how fucked up that is?

He should have been being extra nice to you and your parents.

Kick him out the door right now.

OliviaBenson · 26/08/2018 20:23

His first love is coke, you will only ever be 2nd. Make him go. This is no life.

Freezingheart · 26/08/2018 20:25

He’s choosing the drugs every single time over you. Either he doesn’t want to stop or can’t. Neither is good. How long before he lies about other things too without thinking he’s doing anything wrong. I would strongly encourage you to leave before it sucks you down. Drugs is not a normal part of life - don’t let him convince you it is.

TheTimeThief · 26/08/2018 20:30

My ex took coke. He started because he ' needed it to relax' and 'everyone did it'. It progressed through spending every penny WE saved for a house deposit, never sleeping at night, getting sacked from work for being under the influence (and very narrowly avoiding police involvement) and finally he killed himself. I feel fortunate that I got out before he was sacked, before he changed beyond all recognition. I tried to help and he didnt want my help and wouldn't accept it. I'm thankful we didn't have any children, despite him constantly asking for us to try.

Amelia499 · 26/08/2018 20:37

I’m really sorry you had to experience that @TheTimeThief he said he took it because he was too drunk and felt embarrassed. I said why didn’t you tell me and we could have left and gone home and he said he wanted to stay out. I feel like such an idiot.

OP posts:
crappyday2018 · 26/08/2018 20:47

You are actually in a really fortunate position (compared to some) where you live at home. You simply have to kick him out. See if he smirks then.
Please stop letting him treat you like a doormat. You're only young so you will meet someone who actually has respect for you and not one who tells you the most ridiculous lies and then finds it funny.

snackarella · 26/08/2018 20:48

I spent 6 years with someone like this from 20-26 and I really really wish I hadn't . I could've written your post. Lie after lie and be won't change

yetmorecrap · 26/08/2018 20:55

I got involved business wise involving money with a woman who was doing it. I had no idea , I just thought she was a bit narcisstic and erratic, either Lovely or a total moody cow with real issues of paranoia, she caused huge issues with money , took what wa not hers to take and it all became clear when she fell out with boyfriend and he brought it up when I saw him. Stay well clear, they can be fun and charming when using but can become major nightmares too very easily and drag you with them

BrioLover · 26/08/2018 21:00

RUN

He will never be able to save for a mortgage and you will spend your life being disappointed in him.

madja · 26/08/2018 21:00

If he wanted to stop, he would have said so. He doesn't. It's not a problem to him, hence why he's making it yours. Your problem that you won't accept it, your problem that you think it's not normal.
I had a uni friend who ended up with a coke addict. It was ok in the beginning when they were young and care free. Not so much at 35, with two kids and a raging habit to feed. Fending off debt companies, mortgage company, credit card companies became her life.
He destroyed not just himself but everyone around him.
OP, he isn't going to change, because he doesn't want to. Get rid of him now before he takes you down with him.

Graphista · 26/08/2018 21:11

Get rid!

In addition to the drug issue (and that's MORE than good enough reason to bin him!) he's also lying, disrespecting your friends and family, gaslighting you and disrespecting your morals.

I'm from a family with a lot of addicts in, he's already lying, minimising, trying to get you to accept it as normal (it isn't), manipulating you.

Nah, you deserve better (everyone does).

Your comments re how much you've already invested in this relationship - Google "sunken costs fallacy"

I'm guessing his issues with his dad are related to this too.

Not your problem.

Bball - addicts have to take responsibility for themselves first and he has no interest in doing so. It is not the op's responsibility to persuade him to quit. She has to look out for herself.

pointythings · 26/08/2018 21:21

He has cheated on you. He has cheated on you with the drug. It is his everything. You cannot change an addict, no-one can. When/if he is ready to quit, he can be helped, but only by professionals. Right now he is lying, smirking, denying - he is in full blown addiction. Walk away now.

Sadly I am speaking from experience of living with an addict.

mama17 · 26/08/2018 21:23

From my experience leave him and fast. I have had the same situation. I knew he did it on nights out but lack of money weekly just after getting paid made me concerned. Only to find empty and full bags inside my house It's such an addictive drug and I also had the it's my fault that he couldn't tell me. I have since found out he's having it a few times a week (on his own) I left him a year ago for this reason and the constant lies. I should never have gotten to in a relationship with him in the first place. They literaly never change and seem to get greedier with it. I also ended up looking through his phone to find proof that I wasn't crazy. It's the worst feeling in the world because they will lie so much and say anything to make u believe his lies. Also I found that his personality completely changed to the point he got abusive and very angry

Aquamarine1029 · 26/08/2018 21:27

You're only an idiot if you choose to stay with him.

BifsWif · 26/08/2018 21:33

If you stay with him, expect to have this conversation with him for the rest of your life. Imagine having this conversation with a mortgage and children in the mix.

He has shown you who he is. He loves the coke more.

Amelia499 · 26/08/2018 21:33

He’s accusing me of looking through his wallet so it’s my fault I found it. He’s saying sorry and that he won’t do it again, and then the next minute he’s snapping saying that he didn’t want to even come out in the first place with my family and that I’m making it worse by not accepting his apology and getting over it. I know he’s taking advantage of me because he knows I’ll give in like every other time, I’m usually so strong and independent I feel like he’s got a hold over me and I just can’t help but want to believe him that he won’t do it again. I’ve just told him I don’t forgive him and don’t accept a shitty apology, I don’t trust him and won’t talk to him until I’ve decided what I want to do with this relationship and if that’s not good enough then leave. We’re just sitting in silence on our phones now.

OP posts:
NoArmaniNoPunani · 26/08/2018 21:37

I found my DH dead on the sofa at age 38 due to drugs. I found stuff before we married, gave him an ultimatum and naively thought he'd stopped. Now my son has to grow up without a dad. Don't make the mistake I made.