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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP lying about drug use

90 replies

Amelia499 · 26/08/2018 19:11

We’re both 26, don’t have kids and live together. I know he used to take stuff heavily when he was younger, made it out like it was all for fun but a few stories he has told me seemed more like an addiction. I know he took coke a few times at the start of our relationship, I went crazy and told him that has never been my lifestyle and I don’t really see a future with someone that does take anything like that. That was 3 years ago, I’ve caught him twice after that not too long ago but he always comes up with these big excuses and turns it around to make me feel like I’m over reacting and it’s not that big of a deal. I know loads of people our age do stuff like that at the weekend, but me and my friends have never been like that, we enjoy a drink but have never dabbled with drugs. Last year at my brothers 21st my friend told me he has white powder round his nose, when I spoke to him the next day about it he said she was lying and it must have been my makeup when I kissed him. I stupidly believed him but then went through his phone (I know that’s not right) and found a text from his friend saying he’ll drop stuff off for him. I felt disgusted that he took coke at my brothers party with all my friends and family, but I brushed it under the carpet because I didn’t want to tell him I went through his phone. Fast forward to last night, we’re out with my family for drinks and he comes back from the toilet with white around his nose. My heart sunk and I had to go outside, I couldn’t believe he would do that infront of my family and disrespect me like that. We’re saving for a mortgage so we’re back living with my mum and dad, so every penny counts right now and he’s blowing it to sniff shit up his nose. I asked him about it when drunk last night and he said it was talcum powder that was in the men’s toilet after cleaning his hands and it must have got on his face etc. I stupidly believed that and actually apologised to him, I feel so let down and weak. This morning when he was asleep his wallet was lying on the floor, I picked it up and I saw a little plastic bag with white powder hanging out one of the compartments so I looked properly and there it was. I said to him he’s got once last chance to tell me everything and he sat with a smirk on his face and acted like he had no clue was I was talking about, then said it was from another night and that it’s no big deal. I’m over reacting, it’s my fault that he’s not able to talk to me about wanting to take coke on nights out with his mates and that’s why he covers it up. I feel so disgusted that I genuinely saw a future with this guy, I’m so heartbroken and feel like the trust is gone. He said it’s not like he’s cheated on me and everyone does coke now and again, a few hours later he said sorry and that it was a mistake, I said I don’t trust him and it’s not a sincere apology. So he’s went back to sulking in the corner and keeps saying just make up your mind so I know whether to leave or not. I can’t bring myself to say the words it’s over, I don’t want it to be. I’ve worked so hard in this relationship and gave him my all but I know I don’t deserve this either. Please tell me if I’m over reacting or if I should just let him go

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 26/08/2018 21:37

It's unlikely that he will ever save enough for a mortgage, he has something much more urgent to spend his money on.
However, that will let you off the hook Amelia, because you would be beyond foolish to take out a mortgage with this man, or to involve yourself financially with him in any way.

Your life with him will de a downward spiral of drugs, lies and deceit, get out now while it's easy and you have your parents to support and help you.
Run for the hills and don't look back.

Pinga · 26/08/2018 21:42

Id pack his bags and boot him out.

Justmuddlingalong · 26/08/2018 21:46

He will have you lying to your family and friends to cover for him soon. Cut your losses. Your priority is him, but drugs are his. Flowers

Oddcat · 26/08/2018 21:50

Please tell me if I'm overreacting ....

The fact that you have to ask this is quite worrying imo. It implies that you think it might be ok to act the way your partner is and you're not sure if your worries are justified.

GirlfriendInAKorma · 26/08/2018 22:08

He is a cocky shit and he's completely taking the piss out of you.

Chuck him out.

Taking coke at family parties IS NOT NORMAL!

Graphista · 26/08/2018 22:27

You can get tests he can do at home IF he REALLY wanted to quit AND prove it to you - you could suggest that and his reaction will tell you all you need to know!

Honestly - sooner you're rid the better. I suspect you'll find out after you bin him that your friends and family at least suspected, if not outright know exactly what's going on.

RabbitsAreTasty · 26/08/2018 22:59

Make him leave while you decided what I want to do with this relationship

Tbh I am surprised your parents let either of you stay when instead of saving you are spending it on doing hard drugs at their event and in their house.

How do your parents feel about him bringing class A drugs into their house?

You have told them haven't you? Or are you a part of the drugs lies too now?

Not caring about the impact on others? Maybe you are starting on his script of you are protecting them by hiding it? The only problem is if they know?

That strong independent woman is still inside you. Your parents helped make you. Tell them everything.

Freezingheart · 26/08/2018 23:10

End it. Tell him to leave. Of course it will be hard but it will still be a damn sight easier than a lifetime of lies, no money and hard struggles just to get by and feed and house your kids while he blames you for it all.

WellThisIsShit · 26/08/2018 23:54

Oh dear, it sounds such a horrible situation and you must feel pulled into two.

But where are all the stories about having successfully supported someone through a cocaine addiction from the start point where they very much wanted to continue to take drugs and refused to accept they had a problem or their partner had any right not to love the cocaine lifestyle. Where are the uplifting ‘all’s well that ends well’ stories?

I’m afraid I’ve never heard a single one.

And there’s a reason for that.

Leave. Before it gets any harder to leaver, which it will...,,

SilverHairedCat · 27/08/2018 00:04

Fuck that. He needs to leave your family home. At once.

Take control of your half of your savings, before he can get his mitts on them and snort them up his nose too.

I'm zero tolerance on this stuff, and feel far more strongly about this than most I'll, I'll admit. But this man is gaslighting you, lying, hiding Class A drugs in your family home, using Class A drugs at your family parties and is abusing your faith, trust and good humour.

He's a bastard, not a keeper.

SandyY2K · 27/08/2018 00:14

If you don't end it, just accept your BF will continue doing drugs.

It would be an immediate deal breaker for me.

An apology isn't the issue. Cocaine is the issue. A thousand apologies woudnt cut it. He's a druggie. To be forewarned is to be forearmed.

JoanFrenulum · 27/08/2018 00:30

He sounds lovely op. Not. He sounds like his nasty side gets a lot of attention.

PolkaDoting · 27/08/2018 01:23

I am not anti drugs at all. Would consider it fine to take them on a night out, but talking coke when out on a bog standard ‘family drinks’ type night out is definitely in the ‘problem usage’ catgeory.

Talc in the men’s bogs. Is that even a thing? Confused

The fact is, you’ve caught him multiple times. Do you think you don’t deserve better?

AgentJohnson · 27/08/2018 01:51

You keep on giving him permission to treat you with disdain, why is that? He’s not the only one who needs to change, you do too, waiting for him to be different is not a strategy that’s worked for you. The only power this man has over you, is the power you have surrendered to him.

VodkaLimeSoda27 · 27/08/2018 02:25

Oh dear, he sounds like a catch Sad chuck him out OP, and enjoy the rest of your life without a loser like him dragging you down.

You deserve much better than someone so ready to deceive you and who treats you with no respect. Flowers

HauntedPencils · 27/08/2018 02:28

Get rid!

iamadreamer · 27/08/2018 02:30

I spent 13 years with my husband who is a coke addict and if you'd have known him prior he was the most nicest bloke you could ever meet. It soon becomes an addiction, it affects everyone around them, debts will spiral out of control, he'll lie, manipulate you and your family, his family, your friends. He'll steal from you, your family, work anywhere he can make a few quid to try and keep his head above water so no one finds out he's on it or even out of control. He'll make you think every argument is your fault so he can storm out and have an excuse to do it, he'll use a second phone to hide the enormous phone bill and trace of what he's doing. You can try everything to make it work between you but if he doesn't even realise he's got a problem you may as well save yourself the hassle now. The main thing on an addicts priority is when, where and how can I pay for the next lot. They will do it at every opportunity your not about weather it be in the house, while he's out of even watching the kids when your out. Your life will become miserable, you'll be watching him like an hawk at all times, even when you're out together you'll not be able to enjoy yourself because you'll be watching him all night, you'll turn into a complete control freak.
This was my experience and you wouldn't find anyone who wanted a marriage to work more than me but if I'd have known 4 years before we separated that no amount of counselling and drug rehab clinics and family support networks, distraction techniques would work and I would be paying drug dealers off myself to avoid them coming knocking my door in with my kids in the house I would have got shut the minute I found out.
Trust me you're far too young to be dealing with this crap, get out now.

Starlight345 · 27/08/2018 02:48

Do you know the saddest thing about this thread is how downtrodden you sound . Every time you have caught him , you ended up apologising. Going through his phone , wallet were justified as it lead you to the truth.

I was married to a drug addict. He will never stop because that’s what you want and you deserve a relationship with someone you can trust

lifebegins50 · 27/08/2018 03:10

You don't seem to be valuing yourself as you drew a boundary and he crossed it multiple times.

He knows he can play you abd his tactics are to blame you until you forget about it.

This is who he is, a drug user. If you stay this will be your life. Do you believe you can't get a better man?

Amelia499 · 27/08/2018 08:13

I agree with everyone’s comments. I’m ashamed to say I do feel like that right now that even if I do leave, I won’t meet someone as nice or loving. Because 80% of the time things are good. I won’t be able to trust him when he’s out though, I’ll constantly have the urge to check and now he’ll know that he needs to hide it better and it will just come a huge mess. I’m disappointed that I trusted he wouldn’t hurt me like this. He’s away to work and when he’s home tonight he will be packing his belongings and leaving for good. I’m heartbroken

OP posts:
Spanglyprincess1 · 27/08/2018 08:20

My partner is an ex addict. He will say as I do that people don't quit unless it's for themselves and have proper motivation. I'd perosn really talk to him, offer help and support/ counseling which you can attend if he wants. Give a timeframe for when you expect this to be done. Then it's his choice.
You need to be prepared to walk away though if needed.

timeisnotaline · 27/08/2018 08:21

Nice and loving but you won’t be able to buy food or baby clothes as it will have gone up his nose I’m afraid. That would be your future. The nice and loving would disappear anyway as you got more and more frantic about basic life and he snorted more. Is your savings for a house protected?

BifsWif · 27/08/2018 08:23

Oh sweetheart, you will I promise.

The nice and kind is an act, the real him is the lying drug addict.

I am not anti drug, I used to take coke myself in my younger days on big nights out. It is not normal to take it at a family party and if he is taking it that often, id bet a penny to a pound he’s taking it the next day to get through the come down.

He has bought drugs in to your parents home. He has lied to you repeatedly and you know he has no intention of stopping. If he loves you, he’ll get help to stop when you leave him. If you stay, you’re giving him the green light to continue because he knows no matter what you say, you won’t leave.

Don’t get in to this life, please. Do not have a family or get a mortgage with this man.

Sierra259 · 27/08/2018 08:29

Sorry you're going through this OP but I think you're doing the right thing by kicking him out now. He knows how you feel about drug taking, has carried on doing it behind your back, lied about doing so (talcum powder ffs??), wasted money he was supposed to be saving for your mortgage and brought drugs into your parents home while they are doing you both a massive favour. And then gets shitty with you when you call him out on any of it.

He is an addict and he is not nice or loving in rhe slightest. You sound quite vulnerable emotionally where he is concerned - once he is gone I would go NC completely and tell your parents what has been going on, so they can support you in not getting reeled back in the next time he tells you he's changed. You are in your mid-20's and have plenty of time to meet someone better.

HeresMeh · 27/08/2018 08:31

@Amelia499 if you stay and get the mortgage then you're seriously tied down... you have everything at your feet to leave now and it be relatively 'easy'.

I'm so sorry you're going through this but PLEASE re-read your OP and count how many times you said 'I believed him' and it turned out to be a lie.. you've already given him 2nd, 3rd, 4th chances. Don't allow him to make a total fool of you. You're stronger and better than this. Don't let his attitude and words control your strength and ability to be the better person here.

If someone else wrote the OP, what advice would you give? You know what you have to do, this situation will not change unless you get out.

Xx