I got a creepy message from an acquaintances husband last night

[Cockapoomummy]

I’ve another thread about how he did it (Facebook messenger). I’ve blocked him.

Should I tell her though?

I’m divorced, early days dating someone if that’s relevant.

My phone has a cracked screen.

I have blocked him

Why is this being made to be my fault?

Course it's not your fault.. he's just a Dick .. but you owe no response to men like that... don't get yourself upset over it

It’s perfectly fine and normal to be angry and put out at being dragged into this man’s disrespectful treatment of women in general and his wife in particular. The amount of people implying that op is somehow complicit in or responsible for this situation because she tried to send a nice easy breezy brush off to an unsolicited comment about her arse is staggering. Is it any wonder that there’s all this worry and analysis about what she said and did vs what she should have said and done and what should she do now etc when a woman can’t even go to the tip without some bloke sliding into her dms being a fucking perv about it, and that’s somehow now her fault?

Op you have done nothing wrong. You have nothing to be ashamed of. It’s ok to be rattled by this, and i completely understand why you would start a thread seeking reassurance or a place to vent anonymously.

The OP is getting sweary and angry because she is being disbelieved and shut down, and people are minimising her stress and worries. So quit the 'why U so angry?' bollocks!

@cockapoomummy many women have been through similar, and have great sympathy, and have your back. Please don't take any notice of the posters dissing you and basically calling you a liar!

I do agree a bit with the poster saying you should message him telling him to fuck off and not contact you again or you will tell his wife, but then again, he could tell his wife that YOU came onto him before you get a chance to let her know what a pervy, stalky twat he is, (by forwarding his creepy-ass message!)

The victim-blaming on here (from some!) is a disgrace. The OP is NOT in the wrong here.

Why are these men suck utter fucking stalky bastards?

Because SOME men (not all!) are entitled, misogynistic bastards who think women are here to serve them, look pretty for them, and entertain them, and many of these type of men do NOT like rejection.

It must be so lovely for those of you who have never suffered abuse, harassment, stalking, wolf-whistling, catcalling, and lecherous looks from men! Don't call women liars who HAVE had to tolerate a shit load of this though!!!

@MissVanje

It’s perfectly fine and normal to be angry and put out at being dragged into this man’s disrespectful treatment of women in general and his wife in particular. The amount of people implying that op is somehow complicit in or responsible for this situation because she tried to send a nice easy breezy brush off to an unsolicited comment about her arse is staggering!

All of this! No wonder some women don't report sexual abuse/harassment, and stalking. It's bad enough that it happens, without being disbelieved, and accused of encouraging the stalking and harassment!

“Wondering if somehow I’m sending out come creep on me signals and what I need to do to change. ”

Read the link i posted upthread - it’s quite a long read and it’s a pdf so lots of zooming in required but it addresses precisely these sorts of feelings in women who have been on the receiving end of so much shit behaviour that they start to question themselves.

Someone on another mn thread posted it the other week and it resonated hugely with me, but unfortunately I can’t remember the poster’s name or the thread, or i’d credit them. It’s a very interesting read.

Why is this being made to be my fault? No idea! But ignore them all. Hopefully they will never have any reason to be more empathetic, to have more understanding of your response.

So let me get this straight; a male acquaintance messages a woman and in politely replying she's inviting unwanted attention ?
FFS
Cockapoomummy please ignore the morons on here - of course it's not your fault and I'd be creeped out and angry if it happened to me.

None of this is your fault.
If you would feel better messaging his wife, then do so.

The amount of people implying that op is somehow complicit in or responsible for this situation because she tried to send a nice easy breezy brush off to an unsolicited comment about her arse is staggering.

Staggering and disgusting Vanjie.

As usual, women can't win. They try to deflect an inappropriate comment in a polite and friendly way that does not humiliate the arsehole who has been offensive, and that is interpreted as "encouraging" the bastard.

If OP had kicked him into touch and told him to duck off the the far side of duck and then duck off some more, she would have been jumped on for over-reacting to a sleazy but "friendly" comment.

OP - you can't win with some people. Whatever you do will be the wrong thing.

I think that you behaved in an absolutely appropriate way - you weren't discourteous, but you didn't respond to his "compliment" and you reminded him that he had a wife and family.

I think I would be tempted to do as others have suggested - send the lot to his wife - if necessary apologise - "I'm sorry to have to do this but . . .etc" and then make sure both of them are blocked.

He probably has cheated on her before - it sounds like he is practised at this sort of shite - and she may be wondering if he is on the sniff again. This means she will know. And if she has no idea what he's like - now she will know.

It's hard when it affects the lives of his children, but his wife may just need this info to get her ducks* in a row because one day she will have had enough of his crappy behaviour, and she will be better prepared if she starts now.

• Not the ducks he is ducking off to the far side of, obviously

About the wrong signals. I apparently send out signals by walking, talking to men, talking to women, eating, breathing, oxidizing ATP to ADP.

This is an example where being polite can be dangerous. If you haven't I would send him and his wife the same message that if he contacts you again it will be a police matter.

Don't apologize for your existence, OP.

Some men think they can take advantage of single mums. And I think you should screen shot the messages and send it to your friend. He may be doing it to others. I can see why you are freaked out. Don't let him think he can get away with this disgusting behaviour.

@op also to add. Yes you are right. Sometimes, men think you being nice means something much more to them. It's Sad Actually that you cant just be nice and smile without men thinking you're flirting. I've had to stop being friendly with a neighbor because was starting to get weird and tell me about his divorce. I couldn't be doing with it because I've got enough going on.

You’re right op this man sent you an unwarranted salacious message
He’s slimy. No way should you be made to feel bad about his greasy message
Of course you're getting exasperated because when you’ve tried to explain its misconstrued

I’m upset by some of the responses to this.

I’ve read the shake cage piece MissV and it’s spot on.

A particular highlight is the person who asked how he was able to text me when I’d changed my number 3years ago, yet I had made it clear from the very first post that he sent a Facebook message.

I have done nothing wrong. I was trying to send him a big hint I wasn’t interested by asking after his wife and kids because the boundary overstepping was such that it could be explained away by excusing it as badly phrased banter.

I’m really glad you found it useful op

I had a lightbulb moment reading it, i must say

I’m really sorry that you came here looking for support and got some cunty responses. I think some people —with poor reading skills— answer every thread as though it’s in aibu, and seem to have mossed the fact that this is in relationships - not that it should be open season on abuse survivors in aibu either of course, but that’s lowest common denominator mumsnet these days i guess

Are you telling his Wife ?

I don’t know.

I mean. I was never close to her, I’ve had no contact in years and years and I’m moving this week.

Ah OP, you have done nothing wrong here lovely.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Don’t fret over messaging back. The important thing is that he is blocked.

I read that you are moving home and that this asshole is the husband of an acquaintance...

I would move on from it. He is now blocked and my guess is that he was a chancer. Sleazy fuck that he is. In your shoes I wouldn’t want the drama that may unfold by informing his wife.

Frankly, you owe her nothing. Your peace is more important.

Try to put it behind you, and make a mental note of never ever responding to this type of man.

But please don’t feel bad that you did.

Don't worry OP. It's par the course now for some posters to question and OPer and insinuate they are lying, underhanded or being duplicitous.

I posted a thread about being racially abused and my shock. Pretty straightforward I thought but I was shocked at the amount of posters who implied or openly stated that I was lying, a fantasist or misunderstood what was clearly a racial slur. Very disappointing.

So please don't read too much into those comments. The thrill of being contrary is what drives some sad people.

Noel

I told my best friend last night and she has a copy of the screenshot.

aah there you go... problem solved...

the boundary overstepping was such that it could be explained away by excusing it as badly phrased banter.

This is very common - that way the bloke can claim it was a joke/friendly comment if you object, but if you respond the way he hopes, he's succeeded.

Some men are just sleazes.