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Original poster

Would you stay with him

93 replies

Addictedtoshoes · 25/08/2018 20:51

Hi all
I’m after some reassurance that I’ve made the right decision in sticking by my husband. Bit of background, recently married to a man who truly is the love of my life. Has treated me and my daughter amazingly. He has issues (former cocaine addict with debt) but that’s never had an impact on our relationship. However I’ve recently found out that when he was using he was getting money from his ex girlfriend. She wasn’t aware of what it was for (or the fact he was with me), he made up all kinds of lies and she believed he needed her help desperately. I was aware he had a friendship with a girl but didn’t actually know they’d been in a relationship, I thought it was platonic. Anyway he’s not slept with her since well before we got together although I’ve discovered some texts that feel like he was stringing her along. I’ve been really shocked about how my DH has treated somebody else and I’m worried he could one day treat me like that. Do I let how he’s behaved towards somebody else spoil my marriage or do I judge him on how he's treated me?

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 26/08/2018 15:11

You judge how he is with you but I'd be wary. Sure, if he can do that to someone else, he can do it to you.
Have you discussed it with him? You might want to make it clear to him that transparency and open communication are key and if he ever used you like that, there would be no going back.

Lweji · 26/08/2018 15:17

There are several questions here.

Are you sure he's not using anymore? How long ago has he stopped using?
An addict will lie and use other people and not care about anything else other than his addiction, so, it was probably more his addiction then who he is.
Still, I'd keep my eyes open. He could relapse at any time and you'd be the one he would use.

Thisisnotwhatiwant · 26/08/2018 15:19

I suspect if he can do it to her, then he can do it to you. Especially if drugs and money are involved.

Singlenotsingle · 26/08/2018 15:24

At least you're forewarned. He is or was a drug addict. He may go back to it - I think it's a bit like smoking, the longing is always there. And he has used/abused this woman to get what he wanted, quite ruthlessly. He may try to work this one on you, but wait and see - be very cautious!!!

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/08/2018 15:28

This is a warning that you do not know him as well as you think you do, and he is capable to things you wish he wasn’t. It’s certainly disturbing. Can you discuss it with him?

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/08/2018 15:28

*capable of

RachelAnneJ · 26/08/2018 15:28

An addict will lie and manipulate in order to get what they want. You will always come, at best, second to the drug of choice.

What commitment to getting and staying clean is there? What help has he sought for himself?

Thingsdogetbetter · 26/08/2018 15:29

Have you posted before under different user name? (Ex) cocaine addicted new husband with one daughter seems extremely familiar. That poster got herself into £18k of debt to bail him out. Is that you?

bionicnemonic · 26/08/2018 15:37

You’ve seen his colours. Be on guard. Also bear in mind that cocaine alters the dopamine sensors in the brain...it may be related to other addictive behaviours and depression

Original poster
Addictedtoshoes · 26/08/2018 15:53

Hi
No this is my first post. I actually have 2 kids but my son has left home now. I’m not in any debt, he’s used somebody else for that, which does disgust me. We’ve discussed it at great lengths and he promised he’s clean and that meeting me was the best thing that ever happened to him, hence why he got himself clean. I believe he is, I’m just completely and utterly shocked that my loving husband could treat somebody the way he has done. It’s pretty horrific in all honestly, the extent of his lies were terrible. He’s said he will pay her back and I will make sure he does, but don’t fear I won’t be going into debt to do that.

OP posts:
crappyday2018 · 26/08/2018 15:59

How did you find out? Did he suddenly confess or did you find out yourself?
What help has he had to get clean? I'm not sure I would believe he is clean if he hasn't had proper professional help with his addiction.

Original poster
Addictedtoshoes · 26/08/2018 16:03

I’ve known he was an ex addict for a while. I realised he never had money and asked what it was all going on. That’s when he admitted that he had been a user but had given up when he fell in love with me, prior to moving in. I found out about the ex as I heard him on the phone to her. I challenged him on it and he’s told me everything and let me look at the messages between them.

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 26/08/2018 16:03

Addicts will do what it takes to get money: drugs, booze, gambling all the same. If he is willing to make amends and can own his behaviour than I would he's come a long way.

What support did he use to get clean? And is he having continued support to stay clean? I've seen addicts, proud and euphoric about getting clean, who find that kick of being clean wears off and they then get hooked again as day to day life doesn't contain enough of a high to keep them clean. Those who haven't lapsed have been the one's with good, outside support in place.

Loopytiles · 26/08/2018 16:07

So when he met you he was using and you were OW, and you didn’t know.

Deal breaker!

Loopytiles · 26/08/2018 16:09

He was using until he MOVED IN with you!

You have DC: prioritise them.

Thingsdogetbetter · 26/08/2018 16:14

X post.

Afraid lots of red flags in your last post.

  1. Said he's given up but still has no money. Where's it going? Does he work? If he does why are his wages going on an addiction he says is over? If not, are you supporting him?
  2. Didn't tell you before he moved in. How well did you know him? That's a HUGE thing to omit when sharing life stories!
  3. Gave up for the love of you, not because he wanted to for himself. That's a HUGE responsibility to place on you. And I presume it means he didn't get professional help and continued help. Very risky method.
  4. Unless you overhead him apologising to ex, what was he talking to her about? And again he omitted they were more than friends. He's rewritten a lot of his life history and that's never a good thing. It means he's willing to hide things about himself to get what he wants. At the moment that is you, but will that last?
Beaverhausen · 26/08/2018 16:14

Sorry but he would be gone in my books.

Singlenotsingle · 26/08/2018 16:21

Does the word cocklodger still apply even if you've married the man? Just wondering - is he working? Does he contribute to the household finances?

Original poster
Addictedtoshoes · 26/08/2018 16:22

I’ll try and answer all those questions. Bear with me.
No I wasn’t the OW they split up well before me but we’re still friends.
He got clean himself, he’s not mentioned needing help.
The money was going on paying off his debts that he has from when he was using.
I heard them talking about money. She was asking for it back as she’d heard he was now married and she had been giving him money as she thought he was on his own and struggling.

I know none of this sounds good.

OP posts:
Original poster
Addictedtoshoes · 26/08/2018 16:23

He works and does contribute but a lot of his income is going on paying off his debt. There’s lots of it. Credit cards, loans and drug dealers.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 26/08/2018 16:28
Shock
Thingsdogetbetter · 26/08/2018 16:34

Was he still getting money off her after moving in with you? It certainly sounds like it. That means he was still scamming her when he was supposed to be clean. Can't blame his drug addiction for that! That was he being a money grabbing twat.

And when you say contributes, do you mean his fair share or is he bunging the odd £50 here and there.

How long ago was this debt from? Cos drug dealers don't give a whole lot on tick, so how did he get in such debt he's still paying them off? Credit cards and loans, which I presume you've seen proof of, should be managed properly so he needs to get professional debt management advice asap.

How long did you know him before he miraculously changed his life and moved in? How long before you married him? Did he push for a quick wedding by any chance? How long have you been married? And did you do anything to keep your home and financies safe?

DownTownAbbey · 26/08/2018 16:38

I'm sorry but I'd be very careful if I were you. Take everything he says with a tablespoon of salt.

Do you have access to his financial details, bank accounts etc? Do you know for definite the scale of his debts, how much he earns and where his money goes? If there's any secrecy then he will be able to lie to you, now or in the future. Privacy and trust are all well and good but you have inadvertently exposed yourself and your DC to a drug addict. Maybe he's clean, maybe he isn't. You already know he's capable of being charming, of lying and manipulating women to facilitate his habit. Don't be naive enough to think that love conquers all. Don't jeopardise your DC's security for a charming bloke with the gift of the gab.

Original poster
Addictedtoshoes · 26/08/2018 16:40

Oh god. I’m worried. We met on a dating site 18 months ago. He moved in after a year and a couple of months after that we got married. Yes he’s been scamming her right up until now.
He didn’t ‘push’ for a quick wedding but it was something we both agreed on. We are in our 40s so a long engagement and big wedding wasn’t what we were looking for.
He was using until around Christmas time and has still been paying it off since.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 26/08/2018 16:42

He told her things. She believed him. He was lying. He told you things. You believd him...