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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you stay with him

93 replies

Addictedtoshoes · 25/08/2018 20:51

Hi all
I’m after some reassurance that I’ve made the right decision in sticking by my husband. Bit of background, recently married to a man who truly is the love of my life. Has treated me and my daughter amazingly. He has issues (former cocaine addict with debt) but that’s never had an impact on our relationship. However I’ve recently found out that when he was using he was getting money from his ex girlfriend. She wasn’t aware of what it was for (or the fact he was with me), he made up all kinds of lies and she believed he needed her help desperately. I was aware he had a friendship with a girl but didn’t actually know they’d been in a relationship, I thought it was platonic. Anyway he’s not slept with her since well before we got together although I’ve discovered some texts that feel like he was stringing her along. I’ve been really shocked about how my DH has treated somebody else and I’m worried he could one day treat me like that. Do I let how he’s behaved towards somebody else spoil my marriage or do I judge him on how he's treated me?

OP posts:
FoxandFish · 27/08/2018 09:27

Can you contact his ex girlfriend the one who he borrowed money from? If they haven been together and then remained friends for long time she might know him better than you. I know he lied to her too but maybe she knows something you don't and which can help you making decisions about your future with him.

CraftyYankee · 27/08/2018 09:43

Go online to the credit check services and check your credit status. See if he's opened any cards, credit lines etc in your name.

I think you need his permission to do a credit check on him, if so then not worth the risk of alerting him that you're suspicious.

Addictedtoshoes · 27/08/2018 09:51

I am signed up to Noddle, clearscore and Experian. All look fine for me x

OP posts:
SendintheArdwolves · 27/08/2018 10:07

I used to go out with a cocaine addict. The problem with cocaine is that it basically messes around with the user's brain chemistry and makes it harder and harder for them to experience happiness /joy /a good time without it. This makes it an extremely hard drug to just give up.

For my ex, without cocaine, everything was boring - going out for a night on the town without cocaine was like as dull as a kids tea party. A bbq with friends was like being asked to spend the afternoon folding laundry. Nothing was fun, nothing excited him - his brain just couldn't produce the right chemicals to feel excitement or happiness or joy. I don't know how long that takes to come back.

It must feel like living in a world where everyone's idea of a good time is stamp collecting, a cup of tea and an early night.

It's a hard drug to spot in someone else - chronic users are very, very good at appearing normal, and it takes just a few seconds to rack up a quick line in a loo the rejoin the group. I knew my ex was using (cocaine use pretty normal in my circle) and even I didn't spot when it became an addiction. He was using it at times and places that shocked even me - I would be thinking "who the fuck would have a line at ten in the morning on the way to his parents house for lunch?" or "why would you rack up a few lines 'to go to bed with'? That doesn't make any sense"

The main tell that someone is using cocaine is sniffling /blowing their nose a lot. They will claim allergies. Aside from that, if you have full access to their bank account, look for large cash withdrawals at regular intervals. If they are willing, do a drugs test, but a urine check will only give you info about the last 24 hours. Aside from that, addicts always lie and minimise so assume its more than they are admitting to.

The one good thing is that cocaine is not actually physically addictive - the dependence is psychological (though that doesn't make it easier to give up) so an addict won't experience withdrawal like they would with alcohol or heroin.

Addictedtoshoes · 27/08/2018 10:59

Yes I could contact his ex. I feel bad doing that though, she’s been through enough. Finding out about me and all the lies he’s told her. I don’t know if it’s fair to bring my problems to her too. I also don’t even know if she’s in love with my DH. I don’t want to be seen as rubbing salt into her wounds. I might message but say I understand if she doesn’t want contact from me.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 27/08/2018 12:07

If she doesn’t wish to talk to or share information with you she won’t. I guess there’s a small risk she tells your H though.

Addictedtoshoes · 30/08/2018 08:31

What a horrific couple of days. He’s gone. I spoke to his “ex”. Only she’s not quite an ex, turns out even though I’m married to him I was actually the OW. Also appears he’s not given it up at all and is still a user. I need to work out now how to protect my assets. Thank you all so much for making me see I had to take action.

OP posts:
Thatsfuckingshit · 30/08/2018 08:33

Ok I am sorry it's worked out this way. But well done in getting him out.

It's a short marriage. So protecting yourself should be something you can do.

Flowers for you.

Lweji · 30/08/2018 08:34
Flowers At least you found out before you got even deeper.
goodgod12 · 30/08/2018 08:48

You will get through this lovely x we are all here if you need to rant x

hellsbellsmelons · 30/08/2018 09:20

Although it was inevitable it's horrible to see your update.
What an absolute bastard!
Well done on getting him out.
As it's been a very short marriage you should be OK.
But book a solicitor asap and get it sorted in writing.
Well done on getting him out.
It must feel like you are in some kind of movie where none of it is real.
These arseholes really can pull the over your eyes.
Keep strong - take action.

lolaflores · 30/08/2018 09:49

I just read through this thread and feel awful for you OP.
But, you listened to your instincts and have drawn a line under him. Well done.
Dont be hard on yourself. People with drug problems manipulate the entire world around them and do not care a jot who they harm in their endless drug search.
You should be really proud of yourself. And you ahve set a great example for your daughter of what to do when you get targeted by an asshole.
Keep going as you are. Its all going to be ok.

Thingsdogetbetter · 30/08/2018 10:20

Solicitor asap. Ask them how to ensure he can't take loans etc out against your address and action that asap. Start divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour asap. Spending money on solicitor now will save you money later. Think about whether offering a token amount to him to sign divorce papers asap would actually benefit you in the long run. He's probably going to be desperate for cash now, use it to your advantage.!

Go to bank and get pin number etc changed on cards and Internet banking. I'm presuming you don't have a joint account but if you do and they won't let you close it remove all money and close the overdraft facility.

If you use PayPal, Amazon etc, change passwords. Also on email accounts etc.

Remove him from any bills, especially council tax as he could use that as proof of address to get credit.

Change the locks and say you had to because you lost your key.

If he has belongings in the house box them up and put out of the way. When you feel ready to communicate give him a deadline to collect. Do not let him in to collect, have them ready on the doorstep, and make sure you're not alone. Big bloke or fierce female!

You need to get righteously bloody angry and use that energy to get as much done as possible. Try and put aside the hurt and disappointment for the moment and fuel that anger!!

Beaverhausen · 30/08/2018 10:24

Yep what everyone says, change your locks no.1 , pack up all his belongings and leave them outside for him to collect and get a good solicitor, make sure he has no financial or personal documentation of yours. Try and ensure that you are not responsible for any of his debts or that he is able to still use your address to set up accounts etc.

Addictedtoshoes · 30/08/2018 11:27

Thank you all. Your kind words mean the world for me. I don’t think it’s hit me yet if I’m honest, it doesn’t seem real.

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 30/08/2018 12:17

Get things done before it hits. He's a c$nt and you now know it, but you will feel the pain of having your trust betrayed and your imagined future taken away. You will grieve and that's only natural. But it's also difficult to get things done when going through through grief, so get busy now when you're still in disbelief. He's a practised lier and con man, and you did well to find out so quickly! Now you need to ensure it doesn't financially impact you and your dc's future.

This is a short blip in a long life and I wish you well.

Nanny0gg · 30/08/2018 13:01

Change every one of your passwords.

FoxandFish · 30/08/2018 22:13

Just read your update Addicted and feel very sorry for you. I think I know very well how are you feeling now. Everything seems to be so unreal and feels like a bad dream rather than your own life. But you made right choice. Stay strong. Flowers💕

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