Would you stay with him

[Addictedtoshoes]

Hi all
I’m after some reassurance that I’ve made the right decision in sticking by my husband. Bit of background, recently married to a man who truly is the love of my life. Has treated me and my daughter amazingly. He has issues (former cocaine addict with debt) but that’s never had an impact on our relationship. However I’ve recently found out that when he was using he was getting money from his ex girlfriend. She wasn’t aware of what it was for (or the fact he was with me), he made up all kinds of lies and she believed he needed her help desperately. I was aware he had a friendship with a girl but didn’t actually know they’d been in a relationship, I thought it was platonic. Anyway he’s not slept with her since well before we got together although I’ve discovered some texts that feel like he was stringing her along. I’ve been really shocked about how my DH has treated somebody else and I’m worried he could one day treat me like that. Do I let how he’s behaved towards somebody else spoil my marriage or do I judge him on how he's treated me?

Sorry that was bitty but trying to paint a picture you might recognise.

I was in a relationship with someone who took a lot of cocaine (I was young and naive) - he would never have called himself an addict, but he had a massive problem (all part of the culture his work/social scene - he had delusions he was like Jordon Belfort (just without the fraud and in a different line of work)). An outsider would never tell, and in all honestly the only difference I would see would be after a heavy night out when he would have a horrid temper where as he was usually very placid. He was a very convincing and manipulative liar, always conjuring up reasons to borrow money. My advice would be tread very carefully and never lend him money.

I don’t recognise the come downs. The rest sounds very familiar, charming, confident even a job in bloody finance.
He’s not with his ex, they have been split up for years however they remained good friends.

Look at his pupils. Ime they are the giveaway.

In fact my advice would be seriously consider whether you should be in relationship with this man. If it's enough of a red flag for you to post on here...

I had relationship with cocain addict ( he assured me he was clean at the point we became a couple. Now I know he was not).Handsome, intelligent, good job,very manipulative..He left me with debt and after we split up I found out he borrowed a substantial sum of money from his ex girlfriend, other friends and family to feed his addiction. He has never paid any of those debts back. He lied about everything to everyone to get what he wanted and used people with no mercy. I even tried to understand his behaviour and googled in search of some information re being in relationship with druggie and I was shocked how many nearly identical stories I read. Be very careful OP as he might treat you as bad as his ex girlfriend one day...

Those of you who have first had experience of coke addicts, are they capable of making you feel loved? Like really loved? Everybody we meet comments on how in love we are etc.

Those of you who have first had experience of coke addicts, are they capable of making you feel loved? Like really loved? Everybody we meet comments on how in love we are etc.

Honestly yes. For a long while I thought he basically a good guy that had lost his way. Like others have said, he was very charming and seemed to be very emotionally in tune with me. But after 5 or so years, I eventually realised nothing was ever going to change and that's when it ended. I haven't seen him in years but often see his updates on social media and honestly don't think he's changed at all... still living the same hedonistic lifestyle. Sorry OP I realise this will not be welcome news, you must be in a state of shock at the moment. Hugs and best wishes to you

Addicts are bloody excellent actors unfortunately ! They love, just like anyone else, but their primary love affair is with the drug. Everything else is secondary and expendable.

Answer for your question OP is: yes. I felt loved at times. He could be sweet, caring, affectionate, funny, very into me etc. All my friends and family loved him.Our relationship progressed very quickly (we are similar age to you). I heard I was best thing happend to him in his shitty life and now he had the reason to stay clean and plan bright future with me! Then I overheard him talking to his ex using horrible language with lots of threats. And it was just tip of the iceberg. I was next. Our breakup was a hell.

Thank you. I need to get my head around it all. Earlier today I thought I had a DH who was horrible to his ex. Now I’m thinking I don’t even know who he is and I’m probanly his next victim.

Oh god! Fresh hell

Take it from me the man you heard on the phone is the one that will eventually become apparent in the future

You don’t know someone after 18 months you are still in the honeymoon period. It takes a good three years to check compatibility.

I would buy a drug test from online and dip it in the loo after he has peed. Not exactly sophisticated but under these circumstances I don’t think you should be ready to take him at his word

Sadly, I think you are.

The first thing you have to do is accept you do NOT know him.

Secondly, accept he’s NOT a good guy. NO decent man would move in with a woman, and her DD, and marry her without disclosing his background & until he was sure he’d overcome his issues - whatever they were.

Whichever way you look at this, he’s bad news. He’s not who you thought he was. IF he had stopped using at Christmas, why was he still cadging money off his ex up until now? Christmas was only 8 MONTHS ago, it’s a blink of an eye in terms of being an ‘ex addict’ - he’s not getting outside help...he’s either either still using, or there’s more to this.

I wouldn’t say or do anything just yet, but I’d take the day off/call in sick on Tuesday without him knowing. I’d wait until he’d gone to work (go out for a bit if you normally leave first) then I’d gather up all important paperwork & anything of financial value & take it somewhere safe. Given everyone thinks he’s fabulous 🙄 you need to pick where you take your stuff and who you confide in, very carefully.

Then see at least two solicitors, preferably ones who are recommended if possible. Be completely honest with them and then ask them how to best protect yourself and any assets. Then follow their advice - if they give you different advice then post in legal for opinions.

Get a FULL STI check. I’d bet any money he’s still having sex with his ex and god knows who else. Be honest and ask for all possible things tested.

It may be hard to know if someone is using coke. It was hard to me as I had no previous experience with addicts neither used it myself. High functioning addicts are very good at hiding it! Mood swings and paranoid behaviour are very common. He would never admit to you if he was using though! I had that conversations with my ex. He was almost crying and swearing he was clean when I was eventually in doubts and just askd him then he turned it against me, gaslighted me and said I didn't trust him and I tried to made fuss over nothing. I trusted him many times when he said it even if I found empty plastic bag in his pocket with obvious white trace of powder in it. I was so stupid! I desperately wanted to believe him as we had such a perfect life for a while.

I wouldn’t bother testing him for drugs. It matters not one bit whether he’s still using cocaine or not, it’s NOT the biggest issue here.

I feel sick to my stomach. How the hell have I been so stupid. I’m fortunate I have a great family, I won’t be on my own. Just feel such a dick head.

Fox and Fish your story sounds almost identical. How many of these bastards are there? How do they convince their ex’s to stay in their lives?

I would definitely hide my purse and online banking details in your situation and be worried that he would take out loans in your name/address. Also be very concerned about drug dealers and bailiffs turning up to clear debts.

My ex disappeared recently so nobody knows where he is now..I really hope there are some women wiser than me and he won't find another victim..I spoke to his ex and mine and her story are actually the same! He even talked to us using the same words and phrases! He slept with her while being with me and then I found there were some random women (perhaps prostitutes) too when he was on his business trips. So.. I got full STI check. I don't want to overwhelmed you Addictedtoshoes with more details cos there is a lot of lies and issues and my story is really horrible. But I hope it gives you some food for thought. Lots of hugs

He is still in debt to criminals - drug dealers. Who may well know where you live.

You may not have known you were the OW, but as far as his ex is concerned you probably were.

Dear fucking god, your poor daughter being exposed to the inevitable shitstorm this addict will bring! Really hope she is old enough to move out and away from this car crash.

DD is 16. I will get her Dad to take her while I sort this out.

Sounds like unfortunately you've married a seasoned liar. I'd probably find it really difficult to stay.

Try googling his name and see if anything comes up. Do some digging and find as much as you can about him.

DD’s dad is coming to collect her soon and I’ve asked him to keep her this week while I sort out my mess (not told him that, I’ve daid I need to go away with Work). I’ve contacted my manager and booked tomorrow off. Who do a need to see? A solicitor? My bank? Anybody else?

Nothing comes up under a google search that I can see. although he has a very common name so theres literally thousands of results.

Dear God what I fool I’ve been. Never again, no men for me ever.