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Original poster

Would you stay with him

93 replies

Addictedtoshoes · 25/08/2018 20:51

Hi all
I’m after some reassurance that I’ve made the right decision in sticking by my husband. Bit of background, recently married to a man who truly is the love of my life. Has treated me and my daughter amazingly. He has issues (former cocaine addict with debt) but that’s never had an impact on our relationship. However I’ve recently found out that when he was using he was getting money from his ex girlfriend. She wasn’t aware of what it was for (or the fact he was with me), he made up all kinds of lies and she believed he needed her help desperately. I was aware he had a friendship with a girl but didn’t actually know they’d been in a relationship, I thought it was platonic. Anyway he’s not slept with her since well before we got together although I’ve discovered some texts that feel like he was stringing her along. I’ve been really shocked about how my DH has treated somebody else and I’m worried he could one day treat me like that. Do I let how he’s behaved towards somebody else spoil my marriage or do I judge him on how he's treated me?

OP posts:
DownTownAbbey · 26/08/2018 16:43

Cross post with your update.

So he's charmed his way under your roof and is not paying his way.

He's fed you a romantic line about lurrve changing him Hmm. Like Thingsdogetbetter I'm suspicious that you're just the latest dupe. Sorry.

Soulqueen · 26/08/2018 16:46

You probably barely know him.

Singlenotsingle · 26/08/2018 16:47

And you've actually married him? Shock

Thingsdogetbetter · 26/08/2018 16:49

So he ran up such a HUGE debt with his dealer he is paying it off EIGHT months later? Either his dealer has the worse financial sense in the world or he's lying.

And he only gave up after being with you for year and lying for the whole time about it? Which just happened to coincide with moving in with you and only making 'contributions'?

And during that time he was still blagging money off his ex and only stopped when you found out about it? Lied to her, obviously lied to you too.

Bloody hell! I'm beginning to think he saw you coming.

I would suggest you ask for a post-nup to keep your home safe. If he's not willing to sign then you know what he's really about!

Shazzyj87 · 26/08/2018 16:50

I'd be very wary as I have experience with an ex who kept relapsing with cocaine. Also I think it's all a bit suspicious. Addicts lie a lot and will go to many lengths to cover their tracks . Let him know you won't stand for any lies of any kind .

NotTheFordType · 26/08/2018 16:53

Yes he’s been scamming her right up until now.

wow. I was going to say that addicts behave in ways that they would never countenance when sober, but he appears to have just carried on his taking ways.

Can you be sure he's not still using? If he works, he could be using at work, especially if it's an industry that normalises coke use (hospitality, sales, etc)

Since there are no DC at home, I would probably give him a chance. But my condition would be that he starts to attend NA regularly (like weekly at minimum) and that he comes up with a plan to pay down his debt without sponging off other people. For example if he works 9-5 then he looks for a second job in the evenings. Pizza delivery driver, call centre operator, whatever.

Honestly I'd prioritise paying back the drug dealers before anything else. Credit card companies rarely break your legs for late payment.

crappyday2018 · 26/08/2018 16:55

I would be VERY wary of believing he's clean. I would imagine its easier to hide it than alcohol as you can't smell it and doesn;t involve hiding bottles.
If he had a serious addiction, I find it hard to believe he just 'got himself clean', just like that.

inshockrightnow · 26/08/2018 16:57

Did he ever repay the girl? Try and make it up to her financially? That would be important for me to know.

CripsSandwiches · 26/08/2018 16:58

I would be incredibly wary in that situation. He isn't long clean and he has been using in the context of your relationship which will make it easier for him to fall back into that pattern. I would do all I could to protect myself financially and practically from him. Even if he is a lovely bloke there is a high risk of him returning to using at some point and he will not be in control of his actions if he does.

CatsGoPurrrr · 26/08/2018 17:01

So, you believe that an addict with gave up drugs with no support. Just when he moved in with you. And after he'd been blagging drug money from his ex gf? And you've only known him a year and a half. Married him and so effectively given him half of your house and savings?

Um. There is no way he gave up drugs. Sorry.

He saw you coming. Get rid. Asap.

Thingsdogetbetter · 26/08/2018 17:09

Don't panic, he won't get 50% of anything for such a short marraige!!

Friend of mine was married for 9 years, main breadwinner and primary carer for child. Stbx is entitled to £12k. Judges aren't stupid. They realised he was a noncontributing cocklodger and she'd bought the property before the marriage and always paid the mortgage.

Post-nup, although not strictly enforceable will be taken into consideration by judge, or divorce is my suggestion to op! Quickly!!

Thatsfuckingshit · 26/08/2018 17:13

So he was using at Christmas, a couple of months before you got married? Was he living with you? Then he quit drugs and you never noticed any withdrawal symptoms.

Not you find out he has been stringing a woman along into giving him money, while he is married to you. Despite works and having someone else fund his lifestyle, he still never has money.

And despite his drug problem impacting you and your kids he didn't tell you any of this until you were married?

OP what are you thinking, putting up with this?

Thatsfuckingshit · 26/08/2018 17:16

Oh and I would be really shock if hasn't slept with his ex

ChippyPickledEggs · 26/08/2018 17:23

A real addict can't stay clean with no support or outside help. They really can't.

Does he go to 12 step meetings?
Does he see a harm reduction counsellor?
Does he do SMART recovery?

He needs to be doing something. People who can just give up - just like that, and stay stopped - aren't addicts.

TooTrueToBeGood · 26/08/2018 17:25

So much of it doesn't stack up. Addicts, and he clearly was an addict, don't generally get clean so easily. They tend to need to hit rock bottom and then need a lot of support. Drug dealers also don't tend to extend long term credit unless they're also in the loan sharking business and these are not people you want to have any reason to come to your door. I highly suspect he is still using and a large portion of the debts are a cover for where his money is really going.

Soulqueen · 26/08/2018 17:28

I think it would be worth a chat with her.

TooTrueToBeGood · 26/08/2018 17:28

Meant to add, there's an easy way to prove if he really is clean. Ask him if he's willing to take a drug test and make him do it there and then.

Original poster
Addictedtoshoes · 26/08/2018 18:18

How would I tell if he’s still been using? What are he side effects? He’s seemed perfectly normal. If he’d n bet told me then I’d never have guessed.

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 26/08/2018 18:26

If he's sniffing then a constant cold. Chatty, energetic, self confidence. if he's been using the whole time then you won't notice a difference because that's what you're used to.

His miraculous self imposed rehab might actually mean he wasn't an addict in the first place but uses the money for something else. And if a drug addiction was a cover story that something else has to really bad!

TastelesslyDone · 26/08/2018 18:29

Sounds dodgy. And accepting / cajoling money from his ex until very recently is pretty bloody dreadful. It has the makings of a bad ending to be brutal.

HollowTalk · 26/08/2018 18:30

Oh blimey, you really need to stay away from this lying user. He will drag you down into the pits of hell.

Original poster
Addictedtoshoes · 26/08/2018 19:00

So it’s not like an alcoholic we’re you’d notice them being drunk?

He has been absolutely despicable to his ex, that’s the reason I came on here in the first place. When I heard him speak to her I was shocked. He didn’t sound anything like my DH. That’s how I knew something was wrong.

I’m off to pour a large wine and I’ll be back. I need your help. What do I need to do to protect my house/savings etc?
Thank you all.

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 26/08/2018 19:10

Not at all like booze. Famed as drug of choice for people who want to be perceived as normal when on it. Plenty of people to to work on it. It's not the stumbling dirty drug addit stereotype
More flash suits and jobs in finance. And chefs. More energy, more confident, and often more charming.

I too would be every surprised if he wasn't still shagging his ex. Who gives ton of money to an ex? To the man you think is your boyfriend, yes. Ex, no.

Thingsdogetbetter · 26/08/2018 19:14

To protect yourself go to a lawyer asap and find out what he could try and claim from a short marraige. Asap! Ask them to draw up a post-nup and see if he will sign it. If he won't, you kinda have your answer.

Ensure all your banking details are safe and secure. Make sure he hasn't taken out any more loans or credit cards against your address. Someone else here will know how to do that or use Google. Don't sign any thing he asks you to.

Ohyesiam · 26/08/2018 19:16

Addicts put all their energy into the addiction, a real part of an addicts life will be people getting nothing from them because they check out emotionally, when Eric Clapton’s wrote of coke” it’s my life and it’s my wife” he wasn’t joking.
Does that sound like him, in places I mean, he will be able to turn it on at times. Do you have a sense that at his core he’s just absent and emotionally elusive even when he’s saying all the right things.
Coke gives confidence , energy , runny nose( unless he’s injecting) and foul foul comedowns. Again , is this a picture you recognise.
Some of his behaviour might not add up, so secrecy, particular events or meet ups taking precedence over everything else.