Family death... Am I being unreasonable?:'(

[katiecakes123]

Yesterday my dear uncle died. He was only in his 50's. He was out on a walk with my dad and unfortunately collapsed as they neared the pub for some lunch in the countryside. My lovely father could not save him and my heart breaks for him as we were all so close after my dad lost his wife 6 years ago we see my uncle and his wife and kids very regularly.
Uncles wife came to stay with us last night as to expected. Did everything I could for dad and auntie as such a tragic incident. Although I am hurting so much, they need my support. Dad wanted me to drive to chapel of rest today (80+ miles away) and be with the family to say goodbye to uncle. Of course I agreed. Drove all the way up there only for my aunt to abruptly tell me She doesn't want me there and to shoo me back to my car. Dad whispered in my ear I'm so sorry she just said that. Dad looked like he was going to cry. They left me at the door and walked in. She didn't even tell me on the motorway as I drove them up. Dad didn't even know until we were actually walking into the morgue and she viciously announced it. I feel devastated of course I respected her wishes. Cried and cried in my car whilst they said goodbye. Feel unwanted and used for a taxi service. Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable x

How awful. You poor thing. I am so sorry for your loss.
Is there some sort of back story?
Grief doesn't excuse that behaviour.
You supported your dad as best you could and that is all you can do.

Thank you so much.
None except she later apologised for being a 'cow'
Then went on to say she only did it for my sake as didn't want to live with the fact that I may be upset.
Bare in mind she knows I have seen my mum and grandma at chapel of rest.
She simply didn't want me there as I guess she and I aren't that close and I feel as though she never liked me:(

I would try not to dwell on it, OP. She apologised she knows she hurt you. People behave very oddly and uncharacteristically in grief and shock, and this woman has just yesterday lost a young husband with no chance to prepare herself or say goodbye to him. And there's often some conscious or unconscious 'rivalry' among eh bereaved people, especially wife/husband/partner vs family of origin who is most bereaved? Whose loss is the worst? etc. She may have preferred to face seeing her husband's body alone, but felt she couldn't not have your father there as her husband's brother and the one who last saw him alive -- but felt it was not your father's place to invite you.

Or she may have genuinely felt she was sparing you a traumatic experience?

Aw that's horrible, you poor thing of course you're not unreasonable. My dad died recently and I wanted just a few minutes alone with him after he'd gone to say goodbye so I totally get you.

Likewise I can see how your aunt might not have wanted anyone with her but she could have said you could see him after. My mother has done / said some pretty awful things that have really upset me and made me feel very disliked but there's no point in challenging her as it just adds stress. I know how crappy it feels though and your own grieving will make that feeling worse.

As pp said you did a lovely thing driving all that way at a terrible time and I'm sure you gave your dad a lot of comfort when he needed it.

So sorry for your sad loss.
As it was completely unexpected, she's perhaps feeling very angry that he's gone so suddenly and she lashed out at you as you were nearby at the time. Honestly, I wouldn't take it to heart at this stage as it's all so new and painfully raw for everyone.
Apparently, I glared menacingly at my wonderful SiL just after my dad died in hospital, but I don't remember doing that at all, and it really isn't like me.
Take care on the drive home and look after your dad. Big hugs.

Thank you for this. It does make me feel slightly better and you are totally right about the sub conscious grief rivalry.

I appreciate people can act oddly out of grief, I just wish she had told me maybe not the exact moment we were entering the morgue with the nurse.

It's hard to forget and get over though as it just makes me feel unwanted and as if there was some kind of personal dislike. Wish she had told me on the 2 hour car journey or at least whilst we waited to go in x

What a very hurtful way to behave. But I think you need to make some major allowances. People do, as Pimpernel said, behave in some weird and uncharacteristic ways in the immediate aftermath of a bereavement. Often they can't even explain it themselves. After all, it only happened yesterday. She's probably stuck in shock. You all are. Don't put too much value on her behaviour and try not to hold it against her.

Thank you.
I'm so sorry about your dad passing.
It really helps to hear similar stories about people being out of character.

It's difficult as she's been such a nasty person towards me. Even when we arrived at the morgue early she shouted at me saying now we would have to wait ages. And when I offered to drive round to get a coffee in the opposite cafe she barked no don't bother. Not my fault the traffic was light :(

katiecakes....how awful for you & your dad. Grief makes some do awful stuff.

My mum & lots of her extended family had purchased a huge plot in the 70's. Not me tho'. Due to the feuding intra-family, some didn't come to any part of her funeral, so we decided not to hold a funeral tea. But immediate siblings & off spring went to McDonalds for coffee etc. All good.

Fast forward about a week, & one of her Sis called our brother and said "I'm telling you & your fat bastarding sisters to get that fuckin' alcoholic out of the family grave". I said "*. You missed a gem there bro. All three bodies in that pit contain alcoholics. Which one was she meaning"?

OP, it says more about them than us. Very hurtful, but it will pass. Just concentrate on your dad. That's what's important.

Sorry for your loss, OP.

DH’s lovely brother died suddenly last year. As much as we were all devastated, his wife was totally crushed. I know she would have found it incredibly intrusive if one of our children had been present when she saw her husband’s body, especially for the first time. As pp have said, there is a strange hierarchy with bereavement and grief. You have been lovely to be there for your dad and aunt but do try and understand things from her perspective.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It must be devastating as you sound like a close family.

People do act badly during grief at times. We'd just buried my Uncle (mum's brother) and his wife blurted /shouted out how difficult he was and his lifestyle probably led to his death and a lot of negative things.

DM was in stunned shock and couldn't say a word. All this having laid him to rest a few hours ago.

Dsis calmed her down and she later apologised to my DM. It was the grief talking and she was so hurt by his sudden death.

Like your uncle, he
was fine, not ill and pretty much died in her arms.

Condolences once again.

Well dine for supporting them at such a difficult time.

As others have said, try not to take it personally. She did apologise.

In truth, I think I would have checked whether she preferred to see her DH in her own. I would expect that she would want to say goodbye in privacy, not in a family group, so I wouldn’t have presumed to go in.

You have been a great help. Your Dad was in your side and knows it was hurtful. Let it go.

Sorry you are dealing with such a sad situation.

He was your uncle and understandably you're upset. He was her husband. She has lost him very suddenly and at a young age. Yes she was rude to you but you can't possibly understand what she is feeling.
Please don't make it all about you.

I appreciate your input but as you can clearly tell, as I mentioned on the above thread that of course I respected her wishes. She did not even bother telling me the plan on the way up as I drove her or in the cafe before hand. I am not making it about me. I'm 17 years old this has been extremely stressful and your spiteful comment about making it all about myself has made me feel even worse about everything! Not once did I say anything bad about her. I just needed advice but next time will not come to mumsnet as we get mean people like yourselves. If you look at all the other comments you will see yours is the only harsh one. I was very close to him and of course I don't mind not being allowed in against my dads wishes but when she's being a b to me constantly it is very hard.

Was that really necessary onanothertrain!!! Spiteful much!

I agree with you. Thank you for your support. This comment has made everything so much worse x

I apologise for upsetting you, it was not my intention. I am looking upon your situation from the view of a very suddenly bereaved wife.

You will always get some poison Ivys on here chicken, don’t take any notice. Too much time on their hands. Yes grief does funny things however it is no excuse for being ungracious and bad mannered. Especially if she has been horrid before.

I am sorry for your loss.
It must be very very hard for you. I lost my mum suddenly a few years ago when I was 13. However, I do not agree with grief hierarchy. Even though she was his wife it doesn't give her a reason to be extremely mean although it must be so tragic for her.

I don't think it makes me selfish to cry in the car whilst she rudely did that to me and ask for some advice as clearly I'm not going to hurt my family by making a deal out of it.
I was lovely to her after in the car home whilst I drove her home. Didn't say a thing.
you know everyone feels pain. It doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to cry in private and ask for support from a support group like mumsnet

Thank you for your kind words. I only presumed I was going in because that was what was decided beforehand the day before x

Thank you dorydefender2014.
She has always taken a strange dislike to me for some bizarre reason. We think it is due to me being adopted when I was a baby. X

You have had support. I can’t see any unpleasant posts and this has clearly been a huge shock for you and your family.

The chapel of rest isn’t generally for the extended family in my experience, not immediately anyway. The first time a widow saw her late husband’s body I would expect her to be on her own or with someone she had asked to be there. Did I read it right that you’re only 17? It’s unlikely I would choose a 17 year old to accompany me in that situation as I would expect it to be pretty hard on them.

I don’t think this needed to be explained in advance as your aunt would have assumed you were aware of all of this, but when she did see that you were expecting to come in she should have been kinder in what she said, and that’s why she apologised.

I only presumed I was going in because that was what was decided beforehand the day before

I think that’s what your dad said though not your aunt? Your dad should have discussed that with her and if she is upset with anyone it should be him, though it doesn’t sound like she is now anyway

Sorry let me make this clearer for you - we all decided the day before. The chat we all had was in front of her. I don't think I count as extended family? But okay..
Yes I am young however I have had to go through a lot of things and plan and organise events after the death of my mother and my grandmother as my dad was too upset to.
Obviously we all have different opinions as you can see the majority of the thread do not think her behaviour was very nice.
For goodness sake I just came here for a bit of support not a bloody argument!

emotions are heightened op. so sorry for your loss. i am glad she apologised for her behaviour. she is not herself no doubt.