Family death... Am I being unreasonable?:'(

[katiecakes123]

Yesterday my dear uncle died. He was only in his 50's. He was out on a walk with my dad and unfortunately collapsed as they neared the pub for some lunch in the countryside. My lovely father could not save him and my heart breaks for him as we were all so close after my dad lost his wife 6 years ago we see my uncle and his wife and kids very regularly.
Uncles wife came to stay with us last night as to expected. Did everything I could for dad and auntie as such a tragic incident. Although I am hurting so much, they need my support. Dad wanted me to drive to chapel of rest today (80+ miles away) and be with the family to say goodbye to uncle. Of course I agreed. Drove all the way up there only for my aunt to abruptly tell me She doesn't want me there and to shoo me back to my car. Dad whispered in my ear I'm so sorry she just said that. Dad looked like he was going to cry. They left me at the door and walked in. She didn't even tell me on the motorway as I drove them up. Dad didn't even know until we were actually walking into the morgue and she viciously announced it. I feel devastated of course I respected her wishes. Cried and cried in my car whilst they said goodbye. Feel unwanted and used for a taxi service. Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable x

Does being adopted at birth not make you family?

Only in the head of people whose opinions don’t matter! If that is your aunt’s view then you shouldn’t worry for a second about her opinions on anything. Sadly there are people who think like that though.

It is very bad form on MN to PM people in such an unpleasant way and if you have something to say the thread is the place to say it. PMs are for people who have chosen to chat off the thread. I understand that you are 17 and having an unimaginably shit time so I am not bothered what you say to me. You have decided that I’m attacking you and I am not sure why. Your aunt was very rude to you. I have said that multiple times. You have accepted the apology to keep the peace and that is the right thing to do. Your dad will appreciate your support and maybe in her own way your aunt will too.

Dear notthefordtype
I'm so sorry for your loss.
That is very sad to hear
I do understand now that grief does make people do things out of character.
Thank you for the support xxx

So sorry for your loss . I understand how upset you are, and you’re definitely not unreasonable to be so sad. However, grief makes people behave oddly, and sometimes lose their inhibitions/filter. I’m not saying that your aunt isn’t behaving badly at all, she clearly is, but I think if you said anything just now, it would just make things ten times worse (for you). Try and put your invisible suit of armour on just now and just concentrate on your own grief. I know it’s hard, I’ve had relations who have behaved appallingly after family bereavements, but I promise you, nothing good can come out of bringing it up just now. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss xxxxxxx

It sounds to me like she is leaning on your dad for support.

Your dad is leaning on you for support but she hasn't chosen you as part of her support network and is resentful that you are there.

There is no rhyme nor reason in grief.

When my children died I fell out with people for all sorts of reasons that were really stupid now I can look back without the fog of very recent grief in the way.

Really it was because I was angry but there was nothing tangible to be angry at so I took it out on anything I could. Not a great way to behave, I know, but my world had just collapsed, as has your aunts.

For the sake of your own mental health you need to find a support system for you and stay away from your aunt as much as possible and expect nothing from her at all.

I'm sorry for your loss

Dear name change forthiscancershit
I am very sorry I did private message you. It was in response to your slightly spiteful message. I didn't say anything awful to you just made you aware that what you said wasn't very nice. I do apologise very much but the reason I messaged you was because I didn't want a thread full of arguments. It wasn't just me in the wrong I'm afraid.
Thank you for your kind words now though however

Katie
I think you’re feeling very raw. Imo no one has said anything designed to hurt you or be spiteful.

Turning you away from her home and cousins is beyond rude.

I had not meant to be spiteful in any posts and I still don’t understand that, but we both want you to get through this terrible week so let’s drop it.

I think it might be worth asking if your title can be changed. You asked “am I being unreasonable” which means that people assessed whether you or your aunt were “in the right”. In fact most people agree that your aunt was rude to you, but it means that people have analysed the situation and I think that is what has made you feel attacked maybe. If you change it to make it clear that you’re not after opinions but a hand hold then people will read your post differently and you’ll get more the response that will help you.

Meanwhile it sounds like everyone has gone off to your aunt’s house and you’re on your own? Can some friends come and sit with you?

There are some incredibly patronising posts on here, if the OP was 47 rather than 17 half of these comments wouldn't exist. Especially after your last post OP I would say your Aunt seems spiteful and next rime she needs a lift let her own children take her.

Explain to your Dad that you wil do all you can to support him but you shouldnt have to keep sticking your head above the parapet just for your Aunt to smack you down, it's not fair on you when you sound so lovely and well-meaning.

Dear mummyoflittledragon,
Thank you for your kind words and advice.
The thing is of course I do understand the hierarchy. She is his wife and of course feels it isn't appropriate for me to accompany for such a private thing.
However I wish she was a lot nicer about everything.
I guess I'm hurt too as dad really wanted me in there with him for support X

I’m sorry for your loss, it’s devastating for all of you.

Grief and shock can make people behave differently, as you’d expect, and it’s possible to come up with plausible reasons as to why someone bereaved so suddenly might behave like this. A charitable view might be that her children have lost their father and so she cannot cope with seeing you and your father together especially if they are twins. However, this wouldn’t acknowledge the tragic loss of your own mother. And shock and grief now wouldn’t explain why she has always been nasty.

Probably best not to tackle any of this with her now, and just support your dad as much as you can. That said, you have had to cope with an support your dad through an awful lot of tragedy a such a young age- have you ever had any specialist grief counselling for yourself? That might be the best place to allow you to focus on your own grief and emotions.

next rime she needs a lift let her own children take her

I had wondered about this! Where were her kids when she had to be driven all that way?

I just wanted to know if I was being unreasonable about being sad or not.
Next time I'll make it clearer but I am only young so this is all a new thing

You are never, ever unreasonable to be sad. That will save you some time worrying about that!

Good question, however not her kids fault they can't be there. They were in another country at the time. They are 25yrs and 31yrs old

Katie I am so sorry you are going through this.
I would consider you to be immediate family to him, just as I consider my DN's to be my immediate family.
Yes you are young, but you have shown great maturity and kindness to your DF.

Thank you. I'm just trying my hardest to be happy. Bit off topic but am also expecting a baby. Am 6 months pregnant at the momenT with fiancé So emotions are way more heightened then they should be x

How awful for everyone. Of course that was going to upset you. Of course her behaviour was not reasonable and in any other circumstance I would not accept that from anyone however grief can make you crazy in unpredictable ways so I would let this slide. Of course you were hugely upset though it was an incredibly hurtful thing to happen.

I don’t think you can aim for happy right now tbh. Being pregnant isn’t off topic. It will make everything even harder, and it’s even more important that you look after yourself even if that means distancing yourself from your aunt a bit.

Just to add I think you handled it really well congratulations on your pregnancy. I'm sure your new little baby will bring joy to all of you.

you would think that a family death would bring the family together but in reality whether its grief or all those mixed up emotions people often act destructively & cross boundaries of behaviour that in normal circumstances they would not. Its not you op - please don't be upset take a deep breath & continue to be as you are the better person. Your dad needs & loves you - just think of doing what you do is for him alone. My thoughts are with you. Its strange but you get family fractures like this when people go into care homes too. Take care of yourself & ignore the stirrers

Dear redshoeblueshoe
Thank you for being so kind.
It it wonderful you think of your dn as immediate family. I also would too as and when I become an auntie.
I have excused aunties behaviour due to grief I am no longer upset by it as much as I was. x

Namechangeforthiscancershit, thank you. You are right. x

Oh Katie my heart goes out to you. Please look after yourself
and a big unmumsnetty hug

I don’t think you’re being all all unreasonable to feel upset. Your aunt seems upset of course but there is no need to exclude you. Speak to your Dad about it later, when the time is right. Not sure why everyone is so down on you; sounds like you’ve suffered enough. AIBU is not a great place if you don’t want lots of awkward argumentative people jumping on the thread!

That’s lovely. So much to look forward to. You will be able to tell your baby about your family. . It sounds as if you have a close bond with your dad and that’s something so very special.