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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Family death... Am I being unreasonable?:'(

78 replies

katiecakes123 · 25/08/2018 17:12

Yesterday my dear uncle died. He was only in his 50's. He was out on a walk with my dad and unfortunately collapsed as they neared the pub for some lunch in the countryside. My lovely father could not save him and my heart breaks for him as we were all so close after my dad lost his wife 6 years ago we see my uncle and his wife and kids very regularly.
Uncles wife came to stay with us last night as to expected. Did everything I could for dad and auntie as such a tragic incident. Although I am hurting so much, they need my support. Dad wanted me to drive to chapel of rest today (80+ miles away) and be with the family to say goodbye to uncle. Of course I agreed. Drove all the way up there only for my aunt to abruptly tell me She doesn't want me there and to shoo me back to my car. Dad whispered in my ear I'm so sorry she just said that. Dad looked like he was going to cry. They left me at the door and walked in. She didn't even tell me on the motorway as I drove them up. Dad didn't even know until we were actually walking into the morgue and she viciously announced it. I feel devastated of course I respected her wishes. Cried and cried in my car whilst they said goodbye. Feel unwanted and used for a taxi service. Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable x

OP posts:
Original poster
katiecakes123 · 26/08/2018 15:57

Also it was my dads twin brother...
My dad mentioned he needed me with him to say goodbye.
I come here for support and get called selfish. I'm not angry at her I'm just upset with the whole situation obviously because she said it in such a rude and abrupt manner. Plus many other nasty and unpleasant behaviours and comments too. She's always been like this

OP posts:
Original poster
katiecakes123 · 26/08/2018 15:57

Thank you ❤️
I understand grief makes people very different and of course am trying to understand xx

OP posts:
teaandtoast · 26/08/2018 16:00

I think you have to cut your aunt some slack, as indeed you have. She probably couldn't tell you on the way up because she was absolutely overwhelmed, wrapped in her thoughts of a happy past and an empty future.

I think if my dh died, I wouldn't want my neice there. Somehow it doesn't feel right. It's hard to explain, but it's almost too private an occasion, too intimate, iyswim? Perhaps she was worried what he'd look like, too. Perhaps she didn't want you to see her utter loss.

You did a decent thing driving them there and a decent thing in not saying anything to your aunt. Sorry for your loss. Flowers

BonnieF · 26/08/2018 16:01

Try not to take this so personally, OP. Your aunt’s husband dropped dead completely unexpectedly at 50. You cannot possibly begin to imagine what she is going through. She was rude to you, when you had been helpful and supportive to her, but she apologised. Accept the apology and move on.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 26/08/2018 16:02

Grief makes people do strange things. I'm so sorry about your Uncle Thanks

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 26/08/2018 16:02

Grief does make people do strange things but I don't think it should give people the right to be horrible to people who are also grieving.I love my Uncle dearly but I will never forget him and his partner bickering over my Mum's belongings the day after she died.

I don't think you did anything wrong. If I was asked to drive I would also expect that I could say my goodbyes. You've done nothing wrong and I'm sorry for your loss.

Original poster
katiecakes123 · 26/08/2018 16:04

Thank you for for input. I understand completely what you mean and I have accepted apology and moved on. I just wish you and the other mumsnet user would stop saying I need to cut her slack etc move on.
I am over it I was just looking for support as it was such a shit thing to happen.
I think we all have different opinions as some users have remarked how horrible it was of her and some have said how it was understandable. I also wanted to do it for my dad. He said he needed me for his twin. Hardly my fault x

OP posts:
SirGawain · 26/08/2018 16:06

I realise that the whole thing is very distressing for you all, but cut her some slack, she just lost her husband with no chance to prepare or begin to come to terms with it.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 26/08/2018 16:07

I’m sorry for your loss.

I think I understand your aunt’s POV. She was seeing her dead husband for the first time, she wanted a private moment with him. Your DF was her husband’s brother and she could lean on him, but you are a different generation and perhaps she couldn’t deal with having an audience for her grief.

She probably wasn’t thinking about who would go in at all, so wouldn’t have mentioned it to you en route. Her reaction was a knee jerk one when she realised you wanted to see him.

FWIW, seeing the dead body laid out isn’t particularly comforting in my experience, but as a close relative you sometimes feel it’s something you have to do. She may genuinely have been trying to spare you.

She apologised, accept that she meant no offence and allow yourself to grieve.

Original poster
katiecakes123 · 26/08/2018 16:08

Thank you pinksparklypussycat.
That's exactly how I feel!
Also so sorry to hear about the bickering.
Not nice at all.
UPDATE - she has denied me of coming to her house with my dad today to meet up with her children ( my cousins ) and their family friends. I got the day off work and all.... She simply told me she would rather I didn't come with them after I made her breakfast this morning. sigh

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 26/08/2018 16:08

No of course it it’s your fault. No one thinks that.

You are being supportive of both your aunt and your dad and you’ve accepted your aunt’s apology which was kind of you to do. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Just don’t dwell on what your aunt said. It was understandable AND it was rude it can be both. People have tried to explain it from your aunt’s point of view as sometimes that helps with letting something go. If it doesn’t help that’s fine too.

SirGawain · 26/08/2018 16:09

Sorry Katie cross post hadn’t read you previous comment, but I still think going easy on her is sound advice.

Slartybartfast · 26/08/2018 16:10

oh it is getting worse op.
i am sorry,
can you dad speak to her?

Slartybartfast · 26/08/2018 16:11

can you just go to her house, so you can comfort the cousins

Original poster
katiecakes123 · 26/08/2018 16:11

I do fully understand she wanted to have a private moment and not a younger audience.
However it was very strange how they asked me to drive up, we all wore dark somber clothes. Bit strange how she didn't even bother telling me beforehand. Even if it was last minute I'd rather she didn't say it in such a rude way. ' I don't want you there '
Makes me very sad. Also did feel like a slight taxi service too.

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 26/08/2018 16:12

Please don’t private message me. That is not called for and I have tried to help you, as have other people.

No I am not blind, thanks.

Slartybartfast · 26/08/2018 16:13

just try and remember your uncle and be there for your dad

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 26/08/2018 16:13

Sorry to hear that @katie. Again, try not to take it personally, she’s struggling to cope atm. Nothing she does is going to make much sense. Hopefully she will be kinder when the shock subsides. You are supporting your DF, which is the main thing.

Original poster
katiecakes123 · 26/08/2018 16:14

Sirgawan, that is ok :)
Yeah of course I'd never be hostile or anything other than nice to her. They have no clue it even was an issue to me. I'm very private about things and wouldn't let on that I was hurt or offended as she is having to go through so much. It makes me very sad how I'm not allowed to see the family or extended family today. I feel so unwanted but have to respect her wishes of course x

OP posts:
abbsisspartacus · 26/08/2018 16:15

Sounds like you hit the nail on the head it probably is because your adopted and not "family"

Original poster
katiecakes123 · 26/08/2018 16:16

Yes I privately messaged you after your nasty comment to me also! No need to post it all over here I'm afraid. I do apologise this was way before you were nice and supportive and obviously was hurt by your mean comment too!

OP posts:
Original poster
katiecakes123 · 26/08/2018 16:17

Does being adopted at birth not make you family? Lol

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 26/08/2018 16:18

Sorry for your loss OP Flowers

AIBU can be a bearpit, you'd probably have been better posting this in relationships TBH. You could ask MNHQ to move it by pressing the "Report" link on your first post.

I agree with PPs that people can act very strangely after the shock of a bereavement and often this can be an angry reaction. It's a way of finding an outlet for the pain - externalise it onto someone else. When my ex husband died, my son (13 at the time) focused his anger on his younger step-sibling. He spent the entire funeral watching the younger lad (who I think was about 6 or 7 at the time) and finding fault with literally everything - the expression on his face, the fact that he smiled at his grandparents, the way he was dressed, etc etc.

You sound a lovely daughter and I'm sure your dad was very glad of your support. I'm sorry your aunt upset you and I'm glad to hear that a) she apologised and b) that you didn't make a big thing of it. You may not ever be close to your aunt, but it's really not worth creating a load of awkwardness over her lashing out in shock and grief.

I am sure in a few weeks if she thinks back to this time she will cringe about how hurtful she was to you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/08/2018 16:18

It sounds as if you have done a wonderful thing and been there for your aunt and father as much as you were able. You have been through a great deal at such a young age losing people you love very much. I was a little younger than you are now when my father died and also visited him in the chapel of rest so I do understand your pain.

Now probably a similar age to your aunt I also would not expect a niece to accompany me to the chapel of rest to visit my husband. Being 17 you do not yet understand the loss of a partner. Not that I’ve experienced it either but it must be very different to losing a parent. For having a parent die is the natural order of things. Whereas losing a partner reminds us of our journey and mortality too when you’re really just starting your life.

Much as you do not yet understand the order of things in death and the hierarchy people are speaking of, you will one day. It’s your youth and thirst for life that doesn’t yet allow you to see these things. It sounds as though she either wanted to tell you and your father before and was unable or made her decision on the spur of the moment.

I am sorry that you have felt second best to your aunt in the past. She doesn’t sound very kind to you. Today, however, really was about her even more than it was about your father for he was the man she chose to spend her life with. Perhaps you could go and visit your uncle another day. Would that be possible?

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 26/08/2018 16:19

Sometimes grief makes people behave uncharacteristically, or sometimes it allows pervious grudges and dislikes to surface and provides an excuse for really unpleasant behaviour. This doesn't sound like it's new behaviour and it probably is because she wrongly doesn't consider you "real" family.
My cousin had this kind of behaviour from our grandmother and it's just awful. Unfortunately all you can do is try to support your dad the best you can. The rest of your family can see what is happening, they probably just don't think this is the right time to speak out against it.
Try to keep things polite but distant with your aunt. Don't give her anything to use against you and don't give her an excuse to put distance between you and your dad.