So upset at dh

[preggersx]

I'm 38 weeks pregnant and really feel like dh has just treated me like utter shit.

He has a teenage daughter who I do a lot for. I've looked after her a lot during the summer holidays which is fine. She goes through phases of wanting to be here and then not because let's face it....she's a teenage girl and she would rather be out with her friends. She's extremely social. We live no where near her mum (her mum moved away, she used to be 5 mins away) so when she comes to us now, she's pretty isolated. No friends. We live in a rural area where there's absolutely nothing to do also. I have no problem looking after her when she wants to be here. We have a close relationship and she's great with my dcs. We go out for lunch and do other things and I'm always thankful we have a good relationship as I know it's not always something that comes naturally.

But last night was different. I get told by dh that dsd is coming to stay for 2 days. She's been extremely rude to her mum. Her mums had enough. They've been on a day out. Dsd is being dropped off on her way home as she's passing our village. She's coming with no phone, no computer, no clothes. Nothing. Dsd is crying and angry when I get back. She doesn't want to be here. She's also extremely pissed off she's had her phone taken off her by her mum. She spends a lot of time on her phone and iPad when she's here as there is literally nothing else for her to do.

Now I'm stuck with her. I'm a few days from giving birth. I didn't sleep last night. I'm tired, I'm emotional. I've got strong Braxton hicks. I honestly don't need this.

I went to bed in a mood last night. I said I felt like I was being walked all over and I didn't feel it was my place to deal with dsd in these circumstances.

Dh barely said bye to me this morning. Gave dsd a massive hug and kiss and told her how much he loves her. I got nothing. Now I'm left to deal with my own dcs and a miserable teenager who literally has nothing with her. I've washed her clothes so they will be ready when she wakes up. I'm not taking them anywhere today. I've sat and cried since 7.30am. Dd is full of energy. I'm dreading the day.

I really feel he's a stupid prick tbh. I was out when all this kicked off. Had a text from dh to let me know she was coming. Couldn't reply as I was driving. Get home and she's screaming about how she doesn't want to be here. Or with her mum as she hates her mum. She hates us all. And now I'm left to deal with it today.

Her mum is just as bad. I'd never drop my dcs off with my ex and just expect his partner to look after them for a couple of days because I couldn't cope! It would be up to me my ex to sort if things got bad. No one else.

I will most likely be expected to make the hour drive to take her home later. Not happening. I've had no sleep and I'm not running around after her. I'm not even getting in the car today.

I might even go and stay at my mums tonight just to get away.

A part of me is thinking I should contact her mum somehow - don't have her number though and I already know she's at work all day today and wouldn't be able to come and collect her anyway.

Dh is off for the day now too. He works all over the county. I should of put my foot down last night but to be told in a text while I was driving made it hard.

Or am I being a totally unreasonable heavily pregnant woman here? I don't mind hearing it if I am. I have a date for induction booked and I'm literally on my last few days. I wanted to spend quality time with the dcs. I'm absolutely petrified of the birth as it may not be straight forward and could have complications. My head is just so full of crap at the min and dh is just all about himself.

I certainly couldn’t just take the day off. I would however check that DH was able to look after said child if I was in this situation.

The thing is, when you get with someone who has kids already, they come as part of the deal no matter what...pregnancy and preferences are of no influence. Your dh is a dad and doesn’t get to re-schedule his kids to suit his new wife. In this instance he is involved in the discipline of his daughter and because you married him and agreed to all that entails, so are you.
I know it’s inconvenient for you right now but kids often are. Teenagers can bring sudden shitstorms when you least need or expect them. That’s what parenting a teen is like. Your dh has a teen and you married him so effectively so do you. I don’t think he has treated you like shit...I think he has treated you like his partner.
Sorry. X

Blinking heck lass.

I get that DH can't just take he day off, in which case, unless you two have an agreement whereby you'll always step into the breach, he should most definitely have asked you or at the very least talked to you about it.

Absolutely-I think the mother is wildly out of order in this case. But I can see how the father was in an impossible situation-his dd on the door step, her mother washing her hands of her......he really had no choice. But then he was an arse to the OP about it. He should have had a proper conversation with his dd about what was expected of her. She is 14, she doesn't need looking after. She is perfectly old enough to take over looking after her step sisters and so on while the OP rests, she would have felt grown up and trusted. It could have been a nice thing-and the OP's dp has made it not a nice thing. Which is a real shame.

I get irrationally narked at people who write comprehensive posts full of advice after the ship has sailed. It's not a hugely long thread. Would it kill you to flick through just OP's posts and save yourself the effort of all your typing?

Yeah sorry, didn’t see OP’s most recent post.

OP high fives to you indeed. Have a good weekend. X

If you won’t get rest or time with your dp At home over the weekend, swap the plans with your mum. Dc can be at home where your dp can parent (no need to ask him obvs) and you go and rest and sleep at your mums. That’s what I’d be doing unless dp grovels. He completely could take time off, anyone with a heavily pregnant wife is prepared to drop everything, but the biggest problem is not expressing the most basic considerations for his heavily pregnant wife.

You’re allowing both your DH and his ex to treat you like this. You can refuse to have DSD, you know! You sound absolutely lovely but you’ll end up with DSD there for the whole of DH’s paternity leave if you don’t put your foot down.

Say you’re going out today. Take the little ones with you. DSD will have to go home or your DH will have to entertain her. End of! What would your DH have done if he hadn’t been with you? Or you’d been at work and this was your last week before maternity leave? He’s taking advantage big time! Don’t let him!

What pictish says :

The thing is, when you get with someone who has kids already, they come as part of the deal no matter what...pregnancy and preferences are of no influence. Your dh is a dad and doesn’t get to re-schedule his kids to suit his new wife. In this instance he is involved in the discipline of his daughter and because you married him and agreed to all that entails, so are you.
I know it’s inconvenient for you right now but kids often are. Teenagers can bring sudden shitstorms when you least need or expect them. That’s what parenting a teen is like. Your dh has a teen and you married him so effectively so do you. I don’t think he has treated you like shit...I think he has treated you like his partner.

This basically says it all .

@Sunflowerr There a many people in similar positions to the OP who may find some of the advice (albeit a little late for the OP) relevant and helpful.

@Whyosky

This one is squarely at the door of the mother. Putting the DH and OP in an impossible situation with 20 mins notice. Of course he needs to stop this from happening again but it seems that some of the solutions proposed would have ended up looking like a rejection to the dsd which isn't fair and hitting the wrong target.

OP needs to have a good conversation with DH to tell him how his ex's behaviour is putting uneccesary pressure on their relationship and it needs to be shut down. With the updates it really does sound like the ex is playing bitchy games and the timing is not coincidental. The birth of a child in the new relationship may have stirred up feelings again.

No, it’s not squarely at the door of the mother. She is absolutely at fault but so is the dhs attitude. A simple ‘this is shitty and I’ll make sure you get a rest tonight’ would have gone a long way.

"You can refuse to have DSD, you know! "

Yes, she can. Going to be fantastic for the 14 year old involved though....

It clearly is at the door of the mother, the rest is just people's imperfect reactions to a shitty situation. The OP's frustration could easily have come across as not wanting the dsd there. Her DH is probably feeling a bit powerless and angry and also concerned for his daughter. Dsd is probably quite upset. Ex is fine having dumped on them all and swanned off into the sunset.

Parents often have to have days off to the detriment of their career or position because of the inconvenience having their kids. It’s tough luck as that’s parenting. He’s a parent, that’s what he should have done and not assumed.

He also needs to talk to ex and DSD about things.

"Parents often have to have days off to the detriment of their career or position because of the inconvenience having their kids. It’s tough luck as that’s parenting. He’s a parent, that’s what he should have done and not assumed."
Yep. That's a good idea. Risk screwing up the family's financial security just before a new baby arrives.
He dealt with like an arse. But what he actually did was the only think he could have done.

To be honest I think YABU. If your dh takes time off now then presumably he may have to work more once the baby has arrived. I understand you're stressed about the birth etc but your dh is also responsible for his dd, not just her mum. Either he looks after his dd now and has implications at work, or you help out.

Morning, lots of new comments since I last checked this.

As for dh, he really couldn't of taken the day off. He doesn't have that type of job and especially as this is his last day for 2 weeks, he's under a lot of pressure to make sure his targets are all done. To be honest....I wouldn't of expected him to take the day off. I don't see how that would set a good example to dsd?

'Yep you've been behaved badly, your off to your dads and he can just take the day off to look after you'. At the end of the day - she was extremely badly behaved for her mum. I've heard the whole story now which I won't go into. And like others have said, she doesn't necessarily need looking after. If she was 10 years younger, it would of been a complete different story. But she can and has looked after herself.

The update is she is being collected by her mum within the next hour. Dsd rang her mum again last night and said she wanted to come home....again. Her mums reply 'oh well what's ops plans tomorrow?' Meaning that can I drop her off. Absolutely not and even through I have no plans today, I said in a loud voice 'I'm not available to drop off tomorrow, you will have to come and collect her'. So that's what's happening. Dh was also well aware I was in no way prepared to do any running around and I think the ex may have spoken to him and he made it clear I was not to be driving anywhere.

I've spoken to dh but only briefly. I was so so so tired last night but he knows I'm pissed off with him and the ex. I made it clear I was in no way angry with dsd.

It has been a hard situation for me in that I've had to be careful what i say and how I say it. It can easily come across as I don't want to have dsd. Which isn't the case at all. She can be here whenever. I'm just not going to be walked all over, which is clearly what is happening with dsd mum.

Anyway at the end of it all....dsd has been as good as gold for me. Considering she's had no phone, no way of contacting her friends or had anything with her she's kept herself occupied. Played lovely with my dcs. Been helpful - she made tea last night for herself and my dd without me even asking. She's actually done me a favour as yesterday with me having no sleep, dd would have driven me nuts and would of been hard work to keep occupied.

I don't actually think dsd will of learnt anything from this though as far as her behaviour goes. Yes she's had her phone taken off her. But she's had a nice time with me lol. It's not my place to punish her. We just got through it the best we could together.

I doubt this is over, I think her and her mum will be best mates one minute and then at each other's throats the next. But at least next time I'll know to put my foot down and be more prepared for it.

Thanks for everyone's help on this x

@Tryingagain1 yes but you are missing the point. I've said all along I'll have dsd whenever and I do. It's no problem and makes no difference to me. We have a lovely time when she's here.

I've said I didn't expect dh to have the day off. He can't . I wouldn't of expected him too.

What's pissed me off is dsds mum just expecting me to have her 4/5 days before I give birth. Expecting me to do something nice with her. Expecting me to drop her back off - she lives an hour away. I do my bit for dsd but I shouldn't be expected to have her as she's fallen out with her mum. Her mum should be sorting it. Or her mum should at least be asking if I mind? No one did this. Not dh or her. She was coming angry, upset, extremely emotional with no phone or iPad and no clothes. And I was just expected to deal with that while having my own emotions to deal with. I think anyone would feel slightly uncomfortable with that. I love her but at the end of the day, she's not mine. There's only so far I feel you should go as a step parent before you over step the mark and this is one of them.

Not once have I said dh should have the day off work. Not once have I said he shouldn't of had her. He's done absolutely the right thing as a father. Just not as a husband as he knows I'm exhausted and stressed and didn't even bother to ask me if it was ok. That's my point in all of this. I've got more of a problem with her mother than my dh.

You've dealt with it all brilliantly OP

Now go enjoy your Friday and your DC free weekend and good luck with your birth! Wishing you a safe easy arrival of your baby and a lovely couple of weeks together.

Well done OP.

Your DH and Dsd’s Mum have been very shoddy, taking you for granted,
Had I seen this yesterday morning I would have said ‘pay Dsd to babysit while you nap ‘ but it sounds as if she has done a lovely job of being big-step-sister.

And though it may feel exhausting to have had this put upon you now, the excellent way you have dealt with it might bear fruit in future, with a helpful Dsd once the baby is born.

Totally get your point of view OP, it’s almost like the mum couldn’t handle being around her daughter when she was punishing her so you have to deal with it.

You sound so lovely and pragmatic. It's a shame you've had this when you should be resting and looking forward to the new baby but you've dealt with it as perfectly as one could in the circumstances. Your DSD sounds like a lovely kid and sister too, 14 year old tantrums aside. Best of luck with the new baby.

You’ve handled brilliantly.
As for the PPs who have said how could he say no to his DD... very easily actually. He could have said “No, sorry not today. I understand you’re upset but I’m extremely busy at work for the next 2 days and SM is 4 days from giving birth”.
Why do people pander to their Ex’s so much? Not once have I ever dumped my kids on their dad when they were misbehaving and if he tried to do that to me during his time then I would be furious. Being a parent includes the tough bits unfortunately and she was out of order to say “she’s been naughty so I’m not dealing with her”.

I love my SDs very much, but OP you need be careful about her taking the piss out of your kindness especially as you’ll be on maternity leave. I have had phone calls from the SDs and/or their mum many times where they’ve asked can they get dropped off at X time which is far earlier than previously arranged (DH may be at work at this time for example) and I’m very comfortable saying no if I don’t want to or it isn’t convenient for me. I make it clear that I have 2 DCs of my own to care for (not their siblings - my DCs from a previous relationship) and it’s up to Ex and DP to make arrangements between themselves.

You've dealt with all this really well, op!

Just make sure that your dh knows exactly how you feel, and then he can deal with his ex if the situation arises again. You are entitled to ask for your feelings to be taken into account, along with everyone else's!