So upset at dh

[preggersx]

I'm 38 weeks pregnant and really feel like dh has just treated me like utter shit.

He has a teenage daughter who I do a lot for. I've looked after her a lot during the summer holidays which is fine. She goes through phases of wanting to be here and then not because let's face it....she's a teenage girl and she would rather be out with her friends. She's extremely social. We live no where near her mum (her mum moved away, she used to be 5 mins away) so when she comes to us now, she's pretty isolated. No friends. We live in a rural area where there's absolutely nothing to do also. I have no problem looking after her when she wants to be here. We have a close relationship and she's great with my dcs. We go out for lunch and do other things and I'm always thankful we have a good relationship as I know it's not always something that comes naturally.

But last night was different. I get told by dh that dsd is coming to stay for 2 days. She's been extremely rude to her mum. Her mums had enough. They've been on a day out. Dsd is being dropped off on her way home as she's passing our village. She's coming with no phone, no computer, no clothes. Nothing. Dsd is crying and angry when I get back. She doesn't want to be here. She's also extremely pissed off she's had her phone taken off her by her mum. She spends a lot of time on her phone and iPad when she's here as there is literally nothing else for her to do.

Now I'm stuck with her. I'm a few days from giving birth. I didn't sleep last night. I'm tired, I'm emotional. I've got strong Braxton hicks. I honestly don't need this.

I went to bed in a mood last night. I said I felt like I was being walked all over and I didn't feel it was my place to deal with dsd in these circumstances.

Dh barely said bye to me this morning. Gave dsd a massive hug and kiss and told her how much he loves her. I got nothing. Now I'm left to deal with my own dcs and a miserable teenager who literally has nothing with her. I've washed her clothes so they will be ready when she wakes up. I'm not taking them anywhere today. I've sat and cried since 7.30am. Dd is full of energy. I'm dreading the day.

I really feel he's a stupid prick tbh. I was out when all this kicked off. Had a text from dh to let me know she was coming. Couldn't reply as I was driving. Get home and she's screaming about how she doesn't want to be here. Or with her mum as she hates her mum. She hates us all. And now I'm left to deal with it today.

Her mum is just as bad. I'd never drop my dcs off with my ex and just expect his partner to look after them for a couple of days because I couldn't cope! It would be up to me my ex to sort if things got bad. No one else.

I will most likely be expected to make the hour drive to take her home later. Not happening. I've had no sleep and I'm not running around after her. I'm not even getting in the car today.

I might even go and stay at my mums tonight just to get away.

A part of me is thinking I should contact her mum somehow - don't have her number though and I already know she's at work all day today and wouldn't be able to come and collect her anyway.

Dh is off for the day now too. He works all over the county. I should of put my foot down last night but to be told in a text while I was driving made it hard.

Or am I being a totally unreasonable heavily pregnant woman here? I don't mind hearing it if I am. I have a date for induction booked and I'm literally on my last few days. I wanted to spend quality time with the dcs. I'm absolutely petrified of the birth as it may not be straight forward and could have complications. My head is just so full of crap at the min and dh is just all about himself.

sounds like an difficult situation, I don't expect your DH to say no to DD however I would expect your DH to contact you to discuss it properly and also to maybe have taken the day off today to help out! Her mum is out of order also, she obviously knows you are pregnant too. I would make the very best of it today, get the films out as PP said, maybe some nice lunch at home, like a PJ day and all snuggle on the sofa, DSD has prob had enough arguing and conflict so I would try and make it lovely for her even though you are raging inside.

I'd agree, I would not have expected him to say no, but I'd have expected him to stay home and help out given the situation.

I think it is obvious OP meant her husband had gone off for the day to work, not that he was home - in fact she said quite plainly that her DH ignored her before he left this morning, so can we please show a bit of kindness and concentrate on what is relevant and not divert the thread into a is he/isn't he at home.

OP - do you have a laptop or any device you could lend your DSD? I know her mother has removed her things as a punishment - which would be fine if her mother was overseeing it, but she isn't. You have been left holding the fort, you are tired, stressed and have received no support, so I would be thinking you should do whatever needs to be done for YOU to get through the day as best you can.

I'd never expect dh to say no. She's more than welcome to come here whenever she likes. We can go weeks without seeing her now as like I say, she would rather be out with her friends - which is whah this whole thing has boiled down too. They were on a day out, dsd wanted to leave and go home to her friends. Her mum said they weren't ready to leave yet - she has other dcs also - so dsd ran off and was missing for an hour.

To answer why she has no clothes here - she takes them home with her lol. We always but her clothes but they never end up staying here. Like I said, she was here for almost a week last week. I took her shopping for new clothes and they all ended up going home with her. All she has here is her toothbrush. Obviously she was dropped her on the way back from the day out so she has nothing at all.

Like I say, I don't expect dh to say no. Absolutely not. I've just got so much worry going on myself lately and I would of just appreciated being asked. Especially in this situation.

In all honesty- I'm more mad at her mum. She knows dh wouldn't of been able to take the day off work at such short notice. She knows it would be me looking after her. She also knows I'm a few days away from giving birth and that there could be possible complications for both me and baby. I'm not in the best frame of mind if I'm honest.

I appreciate all replies and can see how it reads that dh is off work. That's just bad wording on my part and getting all my frustrations out.

I'm also just a little bit hurt that dh knows I'm stressed, knows I've had no sleep, literally spent the night on the sofa but didn't even seem bothered. It's like he just expects me to get on with the day now. Be surprised if I even hear from him....I probably will but it will only be to ask how dsd is. He probably won't even speak to me.

I agree that I wouldn't expect hi to say no, but would have expected him to take the time off.

How old is she-does she really need looking after?

Couldn't she wash her own clothes?

Can she help you with lunch, do some gardening, take your kids out, organise some games/activities with/for them?

And yes I'm going to give her my phone. I'm just going to delete this app for now as obviously I wouldn't want her to find this but I will pop back on later to update. Thanks everyone. I just couldn't think straight and really did wonder if I am being over sensitive - in all honesty it's about of both. It's not dsd im angry with, it's her mum and dad!

"so dsd ran off and was missing for an hour."

Oh that's pretty bad of her imo.

I don't think I'd be trying to find her a phone or laptop to occupy herself with.

How old is she?-much older that her siblings?

I can't believe her mum decided the best course of action would be to just deposit her at someone else's house. Regardless of what happened, dumping her own daughter at your house as a form of punishment is completely unacceptable and so hurtful for her.

YANBU to resent being handed responsibility of a hurt and angry teenager when her own father has pissed off to work without consulting you first.

Would it be possible to organise a small treat for her so that her mood lightens? E.g. ordering in food, renting a movie etc? Hope the air clears soon

It's not dsd im angry with, it's her mum and dad!

Then tell him! Why are you waiting for him to contact you? Seems like the reason he thinks he can do what he likes and you will pick up the slack is because he has always done as he likes and you have always picked up the slack.

She’s his daughter, why would he say no.

Sounds like mums at the end of her tether and needs a break.

So what if her phone, iPad etc has been taken off her (presume this is a punishment for bad behaviour). She’s a teenage girl and has nothing to do. Wrong, she’s a teenage girl who needs to learn to self entertain.

Ignore her strop.

I'm not surprised your dsd is angry because she feels like she's being punished by being sent to her dad's and that isn't right. Her mum can't just dump her off when parenting gets a bit difficult!
Your DH obviously wouldn't turn her away but he should be there dealing with the fallout and not leaving it to you! Especially as you have got your own shit to deal with.
I'd be having stern words with him for sure.
I hope you can win dsd round with a dvd and a duvet day

What are the plans if you go into labour early (entirely feasible) while she's still there?

Your DH is a twat and so is DSD’s mother. If they can’t deal with DSD, why is it suddenly your job to play babysitter/jailer, in your heavily pregnant state?

I’d be having stern words.

How can this be in any way ok, that the mum has had enough of her daughter so she simply dumps her with the OP (not her dad, as dad isn't there).

Imagine if OP posted that she'd had enough of her DSD and dropped her back at her mum's, she'd be roasted alive on here.

YANBU, your DH is being a dick.

YANBU

Of course he should say yes to having his DD, but then he needs to take the day off work! He can't say yes on behalf of someone else.

OP, is this likely to continue tomorrow? If so, I would go to your Mum's as soon as DH gets home and stay overnight. Don't come back too quickly - your DH will need to deal with all of the kids for the morning. I very much doubt he'll like being dumped in it with no discussion.

It is time to Disengage from their drama. You are 38 weeks pregnant. Step away. Forget the text thing it doesn't matter.

Your dsd will calm down. She has two parents to worry about her already.

Look after yourself and your kids. Try and get a better sleep tonight.
Go to your mums if you think it will be helpful.
Tell your DH you are about to give birth and need his support and a break now.

He will need to step up!

Oh and all the best for the birth. Sounds like it will be a breeze compared to all this shit!!

Feel really sorry for your step daughter- her mums fallen out with her so she gets sent away? That’s really cruel.
And your DH has enabled it, by letting her stay he’s effectively backed up her mums decision to kick her out.
Totally see where your coming from, You don’t need to punish her too so give her your phone/laptop and both of you relax as much as you can

Yes I'm not planning on messaging dh. More drama than it's worth and I'm that emotional I'll probably just upset myself more. I said my piece last night, I don't need to say anything else right now.

Dsd has settled down with a film so that gives me a couple of hours to try rest my eyes. Dcs are watching it too.

Tbf, dsds behaviour was bad. Basically a stroppy teenager not getting her own way so she does a runner. It all escalated from there between dsd and her mum. I don't really know much else as I wasn't home when she was dropped off then when I did get home, dsd was angry at dh for not standing up for her. I'm guessing she thought if she came here, her dad would be on her side. When in fact, dh gave her a proper telling off for running off and speaking to her mum like she did.

I just took the dcs upstairs and stayed out of it.

Dh is a good dad to dsd. I'd be disappointed in him if he said no to having her - and he would never do that.

Oh and she's 14

I don't think you're unreasonable to be upset about this at all OP, it's the last thing you need when you could go into labour at any point? Very selfish of SD's parents to do this to you.

At the end of the day though, she's a teenager, don't 'look after her', just leave her to it. Worse comes to worse, she can sit in front of the TV all day, watch a film, read a book. She'll just have to deal without her phone or iPad for a couple of days.

I'd get it if she were younger but at that age, just leave her to her own devices.

She's a lucky girl to have you as her SM. You sound fair and full of love for her.
Can you sit next to her, hug her and tell her you're dog tired today, anxious about the birth and could do with her help in entertaining the little ones? Tell her you love her, that you think she was a 'mare to her mum yesterday but that as far as you're concerned she's been dealt with by her 2 Parents. Ask her to help make things easy for you today and you'll do the same for her.

"just leave her to her own devices."

Or not as they've been taken off her

She's old enough to be helping/looking after you, Op.

Maybe try to make the best of a bad situation. Sit down with stroppy teenager and explain to her that you both need to make the best of the situation and would appreciate a truce to make the atmosphere easier and also to help you out given it will be a few days before her new brother/sister arrives and you would appreciate the help.

Get her involved with things which she can easily do like helping or playing with her siblings etc.

My nephew can be stroppy and my DB shouts a lot, generally I find having a calm conversation where he's treated and spoken to like an adult makes the difference and he will help and gets distracted by it for a while.

I don't think she should have been dropped off at yours as a 'punishment'. Her Mum should have dealt with the issues herself rather than palm her off for you and your dh to deal with.

Unfortunately we can't all just take random days off work at short notice.

The daughter is upset but I think as already said, tell her how her behaviour is making you feel and especially being g so close to giving birth. She is only thinking of herself, like many teenagers do. I'm sorry you are going through this x

She's 14? Plenty old enough to be a mini mothers help for you, tell her what you need ( DC entertained, lunch prepared) and offer to pay her if she does a good job.
Sounds like she needs to learn responsibility and you need a rest.