Marriage not terrible but not that great either

[VacationRules]

I’m sorry if this turns out to be reeeeally long. I’m looking for some wise words or a bit of perspective on my situation.

On the face of it, I have a very lovely life. I’m mid-forties, I’ve been married for 13 years, three brilliant children, DH and I both have careers that we love, financially we’re comfortable. I couldn’t wish for a better father for my children. As a dad, he’s patient, loving, hands on… we get along well together, have a lot of the same tastes and interests. The trouble is, I just don’t think I love him.

When we got together, I was shortly out of a horrible, physically abusive relationship. By the time I realised how bad it was, I was too scared of him to leave so I stuck around longer than I should have, which took its toll on me. When I met DH, he was so different to my horrible ex that I thought I’d struck gold. We had a bit of a whirlwind romance really, got married and had children quite quickly. Which was great at the time and I think I was just craving the stability that all that would bring. But I can see now that we never had that spark. Whatever it is that turns a friendship into a relationship.

Part of the problem is our sex life. I don’t think we’re particularly compatible. DH is very, very conservative in his tastes and although I consider myself to be fairly vanilla, because I’ve never wanted to push him to do something he’s uncomfortable with, we’ve always defaulted to the handful of things that we both enjoy. It’s pretty much killed the enjoyment for me over the years and now it just feels like another thing on my to-do list. I think also, that because he doesn’t make me feel desirable, I’ve become a bit resentful. I’ve spend at least ten years having sex in the dark and I just find it soul destroying. We’ve spoken about this in the past but ultimately, I can neither make him desire me more, neither can I change his own tastes. We do still have sex but to be honest, if we stopped tomorrow, that would be ok with me.

There are other problems as well, around the splitting of housework/cooking but he’s not too bad and I think these could be fixed if I was generally happier in my marriage. As it is, I don’t really have the energy or the desire to fix them so it’s easier to just get on and accept that this is the way it is. The longer we’re together, the more difficult I find it to be around him. Annoying habits wind me up to the point that I become a ball of resentment and end up snapping at him. I know that to a point, this is how it is in a LTR, getting wound up and bickering about each other’s bad habits but I just can’t shake the feeling that if I loved him more, or if I loved him differently, I could live with all these little things that currently make me want to walk out the door and never come back.

As things stand at the moment, I seem to spend most of the time thinking about how much I’d love to live on my own, with a nice amicable 50/50 parenting arrangement. But as far as I’m aware, DH adores me and I can’t even imagine bringing this up with him. It would (for him) be completely out of the blue and it would rip my family apart. I think about how that conversation would go and there’s just no way I could do it to him. I think about how upset out families would be, how we would have to sell our house, how sad my children would be, how I would likely have to lose contact with several of my friends, the logistics of the school run, how stretched I’d be financially. Martyring myself feels like the only option.

Sorry, that really was quite long. I’ve probably missed out loads of really pertinent information as well. I suppose what I’m asking is has anyone ever got to this point and somehow managed to turn it around? If so, where did you find the will to do it? I just don’t think I care enough at the moment. Or has anyone ever walked out of a marriage like this, where it wasn’t exactly bad but it wasn’t great either? I’m just at a loss. The guilt of feeling like this is tearing me up and I’m so, so sad about the whole situation.

Well you are drifting towards a divorce unless you do something about it. Have you ever talked to your husband about sex? Has he been clear that his sexuaI preferences are absolute or are you mistaking lack of repertoire and confidence for conservatism. If you want to salvage this you need to be honest with him about how you feel but try and be positive about wanting to try new things (even just the light on fgs!). Maybe consider therapy.

I think your relationships sounds like it is worth some effort before calling it a day but it starts by both of your realising that there is a problem. He needs your honesty.

Thanks Hopo. I've spoken to him about the sex situation many times. I've asked to try different things, made suggestions, asked him very explicitly what he would like but essentially he's happy as he is. I stopped trying a long time ago but maybe I need to start again. I think it was the feeling of rejection, that he really wasn't interested in touching me or even looking at me that killed it for me in the end. But I'm not sure if it's me or if it's just the way he is. Really nothing's changed in the 13 years we've been together.

I sort of know that I need to be more honest with him but I just don't feel like I have the energy. And that's probably half the problem? Surely I should care more than this?

I was in a very similar situation, I chose to leave. I felt I'd already checked out emotionally and I couldn't turn it around. I couldn't imagine ever having sex with him again even though I still cared about him.

I read "too bad to stay, too good to leave" and found it very helpful. It helped me put my finger on exactly what it was I was feeling and it gives statistics about what other people chose to do e.g. 80% of people who answered yes to this question chose to leave and 90% were happy they did. I would recommend it.

Good luck. It's not an easy decision, but I'm glad I chose to end it.

@littlepotatoes Thank you, I totally understand what you say about checking out. I feel like that too but the guilt is making me feel like I should do something about it. I feel bloody awful. I'll give that book a go, thanks for the recommendation.

I know I need to be honest with him but firstly, I feel like it would just break his heart if he knew how I was feeling and I would end up backtracking to save his feelings. And secondly, what would I say? I feel like I've got nothing to hang my feelings on other than 'i don't love you any more' which feels like a shitty cop out. How do I even initiate that kind of conversation? Honestly, he just wouldn't see it coming at all and it would be devastating.

There is a great book called ‘too good to leave, too bad stay’

With three kids to consider, I would say at least try couples counselling to try and work on some of this before you throw in the towel.

** too good to leave, too bad to stay

It's sounds like it's more of a sex problem. Just surprise him. Good luck.

What does couples counseling look like in practice? I've never done it or spoken to anyone else who's done it so I don't really know what to expect. It sounds a bit daunting but I guess I've got nothing to lose.

Jupiter9 I've tried that, more than once, it's never gone down well...

He's a very lucky chap. What a fool 🌷

It's incredibly hard. I left once, then came back because I couldn't take all the tears and misery. The second time I left the home because otherwise he'd never have gone and I'd have ended up caving again.

I was exactly the same. Nothing to really hang it on. It was the thought of still being in the same position in 10 years and regrettinot going when I had the chance that finally pushed me. Also, I didn't want "m'eh" to be the benchmark for relationships for my kids.

PM me if you want a chat x

I totally get you not wanting to have the talk and upset him and rip the world out from under him and family . I’m living with the exact same problem except I think it’s worse in my head as we have not had sex in many years , nor do I want to anymore , he is a complete soap dodger which added to the lack of sex and I’m basically like his career as he diabetes and he won’t tske responsibility for his own self .

Anytime I mention anything heavy regarding all above he turns on the tears and in past worried me he might do something silly. He has very few friends and no family of his own for support .

We get on ok in the most but I suppress a lot of feelings . I think maybe we can be good companions in the future . But there are days I just feel hopeless really

I’m another one who totally gets it. I could almost have written your post word for word, from the long marriage, great kids and good career to the leaving an abusive relationship.

I did fancy him loads in the beginning but he always held me at arms length a bit. Frequency of sex was on his timescales rather than mine and he never touches me unless he’s in the mood.

I suppose over the years the atttaction has died for me. I can also look at him and think he’s handsome but cannot be bothered to be yet again the one making all the effort and try and get the spark back.

If we split I would be fine financially, it’s the hurt and upheaval I don’t want. But of course does anyone?

I like him, we get along and this doesn’t seem nearly enough to break up over but it’s passionless, sex is routine and a lot of time the relationship feels dull. I do loads of things to make my life feel full and interesting but I’m restless and my relationship is at the heart of it.

I’ve tried to raise things but he gets upset very easily and some things can’t be unsaid.

What worries me is it’s only a matter of time before my head is turned so is it better to leave now?

You have my sympathy.

Can you get some time away, together or alone? How is it away from the usual routine, family holiday say.
This needs attention but worth a try before you call it a day. Call relate, then at least if you leave you will feel you didn't do it without any effort and wonder if you could have saved it.

Slightly different back story, but similar present, two kids...
Maybe a little further along in the sad progression - can’t stand having sex with H anymore....
Hoping he’ll get the message and leave.
Don’t want to be the bad guy..

@RetinolAddict What do you think you'll do? My DH also gets upset easily and I just end up feeling terrible that I've hurt him. I get pissed off with him sometimes when I try to raise things, I feel like my own dissatisfaction and unhappiness becomes all about him. But I know him well, I know he doesn't do it to make life difficult, he's just a sensitive soul who hates the idea of our family being in any kind of turmoil. Which again, makes it hard to contemplate leaving.

You talk about having your head turned... About five years ago an old male friend tried to instigate something with me after we'd been spending a lot of time together. I shut it down as quickly as it started, as soon as I realised that he was trying it on I essentially ceased contact and told him I wasn't interested. But I think about that a lot. If it happened again I can't say for sure that I would have the willpower to turn him down.

@missingstreetlife We're very lucky really, we get a lot of time together, have local support and willing babysitters so we do go out and do stuff. And it's fine but it's just a bit like going out with a mate rather than with my husband. We talk about the kids a bit, talk about work, and then we run out of things to talk about. There's just no spark. And then we come home and either a) have routine sex in the dark or b) go to sleep. I think that before I make any big decisions I need to get some kind of counselling but I'm struggling to find the energy.

I've name changed for this for obvious reasons. I'm really struggling with my marriage too. I do love him and he's a lovely guy but my god he's dull. And terrible in bed. We've been together 20+ years and our kids are young adults.

I feel like making a break but it would absolutely destroy him. He adores me, he thinks everything is fine even though we've not had sex in a year. Other than 2 abortive attempts which don't count. One in October and the other in January.

I just don't fancy him but I miss sex. I keep saying just do it - the feelings might come back but I'm just can't bring myself to.

I'm finding myself snapping at him, I dread the weekends coming as it means spending 2 days with him. I hate myself for how I'm treating him and then get even snappier.

He's been hinting for sex and I just say quite bluntly no thanks. How am I supposed to tell him that I want sex but not with him? I know we need to have the conversation but I need him to raise it and he won't.

We have a good life. We're financially comfortable, we get on ok. But there is no spark. Maybe I'm expecting too much but I don't want to live the rest of my life without sex but then I am nearly 50.

I'm just so unhappy but if I leave it won't make me happier I don't think, and will make even more people unhappy (DH and the kids) 😢

This is all so sad . Gimmebread you described me to a tee withbthe snappiness and dreading weekends . However I have moved on a little from that point and make more effort to just enjoy life . They seem oblivious to it all

I will get flamed for this but I know someone who’s marriage was saved by a casual fling. It was enough to give her some excitement but she didn’t want to leave her husband for this person. It meant she was happier, which made her husband happier and meant the kids stayed happy. Totally unethical i’m sure but it worked for her (really is a friend by the way, not me ).

Sandy - I'll get equally flamed for this but I had a very short fling a year ago and it was saving my marriage. Until it ended. I've been depressed ever since. I now know what I'm missing. I wish I'd never done it. The guilt is also eating away at me.

God I am a bitch and don't deserve my lovely DH 😢

Cantseeanend do you mean you're enjoying life without your partner? Ie doing things without them and they seem oblivious to it?

It is all so sad really. I want to have a good life with my DH and I do love him. Although I was biting my tongue this morning. I'm feeling the anxiety building up as we get closer to the weekend.

Gimme I do the things I like to do . I go for my walks , read my books , work , meet my friends or family . I give him the option to come or not come . I have stopped worrying what others think if he there or not. So as I could remove some anxiety from my life I moved to the spare bedroom for a short while a few years back and I stayed there and I love my bed and peace . He wasn’t happy about it but never made changes to improve the situation. The shower dodging a huge issue .
But he’s a good person , does his best for us financially and we muddle along ok and since I have tried to mostly not get anxious I can relax a little more and so long as he “cleans up “ I do go out with him shopping or a concert or visiting . But I do get hopeless thoughts wondering will I ever feel really loved again or get to really love and that makes me sad 😢

OP I don’t know what I’ll do. I suspect I’ll just keep muddling on for now and hope it passes. It comes in waves though, sometimes I’m ok and sometimes I can’t stand it any more and just want out.

It just feels too selfish to throw everything away just because I don’t want to shag DH. Plus, eldest DC is having a few problems emotionally at the moment and I don’t want to add to that.

That said, I read something on another thread and it really resonated - about looking back and wishing you’d been braver. Food for thought. In every other aspect of life I’m pretty fearless so why does this feel so huge?

Bit of a shower dodger here too by the way. Our foreplay has become him asking if he should have one.

Name changed for obvious reasons too.

What many of you say reflects pretty accurately my own situation. Everything looks great from the outside, no financial worries, lovely home, three wonderful children. However, things on the inside are falling apart at the seams. I love my DH, but at the moment I love him as a friend. I've had some health/mental health problems over the past few years, and our middle child has ASD, and he hasn't helped or supported me through the difficult times at all, despite me asking for his help. He just sort of bumbles on, saying he'll give me extra support, but nothing changes in reality. It almost feels like I have four children at times, and I suppose a bit of resentment has crept in because I've made some huge sacrifices for him, but he won't reciprocate. We don't have sex any more, because I just can't see him in that way, probably because I see him as someone I look after, if that makes sense.

But, he is a good person generally, and I don't want to hurt him or the children, so I just kind of go along with it. I am trying to change a few things about myself at the moment, and I am hoping that things will improve when I'm feeling better. But I will admit to lying awake at night, wondering if this is how it is going to be for the rest of my life.