Marriage not terrible but not that great either

[VacationRules]

I’m sorry if this turns out to be reeeeally long. I’m looking for some wise words or a bit of perspective on my situation.

On the face of it, I have a very lovely life. I’m mid-forties, I’ve been married for 13 years, three brilliant children, DH and I both have careers that we love, financially we’re comfortable. I couldn’t wish for a better father for my children. As a dad, he’s patient, loving, hands on… we get along well together, have a lot of the same tastes and interests. The trouble is, I just don’t think I love him.

When we got together, I was shortly out of a horrible, physically abusive relationship. By the time I realised how bad it was, I was too scared of him to leave so I stuck around longer than I should have, which took its toll on me. When I met DH, he was so different to my horrible ex that I thought I’d struck gold. We had a bit of a whirlwind romance really, got married and had children quite quickly. Which was great at the time and I think I was just craving the stability that all that would bring. But I can see now that we never had that spark. Whatever it is that turns a friendship into a relationship.

Part of the problem is our sex life. I don’t think we’re particularly compatible. DH is very, very conservative in his tastes and although I consider myself to be fairly vanilla, because I’ve never wanted to push him to do something he’s uncomfortable with, we’ve always defaulted to the handful of things that we both enjoy. It’s pretty much killed the enjoyment for me over the years and now it just feels like another thing on my to-do list. I think also, that because he doesn’t make me feel desirable, I’ve become a bit resentful. I’ve spend at least ten years having sex in the dark and I just find it soul destroying. We’ve spoken about this in the past but ultimately, I can neither make him desire me more, neither can I change his own tastes. We do still have sex but to be honest, if we stopped tomorrow, that would be ok with me.

There are other problems as well, around the splitting of housework/cooking but he’s not too bad and I think these could be fixed if I was generally happier in my marriage. As it is, I don’t really have the energy or the desire to fix them so it’s easier to just get on and accept that this is the way it is. The longer we’re together, the more difficult I find it to be around him. Annoying habits wind me up to the point that I become a ball of resentment and end up snapping at him. I know that to a point, this is how it is in a LTR, getting wound up and bickering about each other’s bad habits but I just can’t shake the feeling that if I loved him more, or if I loved him differently, I could live with all these little things that currently make me want to walk out the door and never come back.

As things stand at the moment, I seem to spend most of the time thinking about how much I’d love to live on my own, with a nice amicable 50/50 parenting arrangement. But as far as I’m aware, DH adores me and I can’t even imagine bringing this up with him. It would (for him) be completely out of the blue and it would rip my family apart. I think about how that conversation would go and there’s just no way I could do it to him. I think about how upset out families would be, how we would have to sell our house, how sad my children would be, how I would likely have to lose contact with several of my friends, the logistics of the school run, how stretched I’d be financially. Martyring myself feels like the only option.

Sorry, that really was quite long. I’ve probably missed out loads of really pertinent information as well. I suppose what I’m asking is has anyone ever got to this point and somehow managed to turn it around? If so, where did you find the will to do it? I just don’t think I care enough at the moment. Or has anyone ever walked out of a marriage like this, where it wasn’t exactly bad but it wasn’t great either? I’m just at a loss. The guilt of feeling like this is tearing me up and I’m so, so sad about the whole situation.

💐 and 🤗 for everyone

I just need a good shag!

If I could get my fling back on board again I could definitely make my marriage work. He's the one who ended it because he's Captain bloody Sensible. He knew it wasn't going anywhere so ended it before either of us got hurt. Too late mate 🤨

RetonolAddict The thing you said up there^^ about being fearless completely resonates with me. In my career and in some of my hobbies and activities I am utterly fearless. But try to bring up a discussion about the state of my marriage and I'm just a coward.

It comes in waves for me as well. I think that's why I've stayed as long as I have because I always assume it will pass. It's just this time, for whatever reason, it's not passing and I'm becoming more and more upset and disillusioned about the future.

GimmeBread You say that you don't think you would be happier if you left. I don't feel like that. I'm almost certain I would be happier. I just don't know if it's worth runining everyone else's lives for the sake of mine. I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not cut out for married life.

SandysMam I not going to flame you at all. Desperate times desperate measures. I don't think a casual fling is for me though, I think it would just blow everything out of the water.

I'm no closer to knowing what I'm going to do but I really appreciate everyone sharing their situations. Unlike a lot of people on here, I'm still having sex with DH. Which sort of makes me feel worse about potentially leaving. At least if you've not done it for years and neither of you has the inclination to try and fix it, you kind of have a ready made reason for leaving. Or is that too simplistic? I just feel like I don't have a good enough reason to leave.

Vacation not having sex doesn’t make it easier to leave . We have not had sex in many years and now it would fill me with horror . It’s a difficult situation . I think if my husband had lots of friends and a big family network I probably would go . I think I would be happier but I do the best I can now to enjoy my life

I think it’s important to get understand the prime motivation too, if it’s that you really want to meet someone else , that may or may not happen, if it’s to possibly be on your own and not be desperate to be in a relationship , in a way I think it’s easier, you aren’t looking for grass to be greener, just different grass

yetmorecrap I'm almost 100% sure that this is not about meeting someone else. It's actually all about being on my own, I think. There's a part of me that's wondering if that's just because I've been married for a long time and I'm looking for the novelty of being alone but I don't think that's it. It's about finding my independence again.

Which makes it sound like like my DH might be a bit controlling or clingy but he's really not, not at all. I just don't feel able any more to be part of this 'team'. I've had 14 years altogether of being with someone and everything that goes with that and now I just feel like I need some breathing space.

I feel like the more I type, the more rambling I'm getting!

Re leaving. I'm not miserable and hating my marriage but because I'm not happy with what I have, I feel guilty and I feel that me leaving would give DH his freedom to find someone better who would truly appreciate him. But he doesn't want anybody else but me some he would be totally miserable.

The husband doing more housework can probably only help their sex life if the wife is still fundamentally sexually attracted to him, but this is clouded by resentment. If the sexual attraction isn't there, then doing more housework is unlikely to do much good.

Hi from the other side.
I identify a lot with how you're feeling but didn't handle it well at all. I ended up in an emotional affair that has ended my marriage.
The pain and reality of separation is a lot, but I also know that I was missing something in my marriage that I wasn't prepared to sacrifice forever.
So my advice is to make the break, and to do it before your head is turned by someone else. It's such a messy way of exiting a relationship and has wounded the possibility of DH and I being friends.
Good luck

I can really relate to this. I met DH not long after an intense, passionate and loving fling ended abruptly. I was so hurt that I convinced myself that these relationships dont last and instead sensible ones based on friendship do work best.
Cue DH, lovely kind and great dad but zero chemistry and he never had much interest in sex. We haven't done it now for 4 years and I don't want to (well not with him).
He's no real idea what I like sexually as we never had that closeness to discuss it.
It's really difficult and I can't imagine he doesn't feel the same

I know how hard it is but I think you need to find a way to start to talk with your DH about how you are feeling. We spend so much time controlling our emotions that it is hard to be open and honest so take baby steps. I have been on the other side and found out that my partner was unhappy with me and various aspects of our relationship. I wish he had had the courage to talk to me when there was still a possibility to change and work on our relationship. I was also unhappy in some respects but I loved him. In the end I feel that the lack of communication was what ended our marriage. On both sides. I would suggest couples counselling.

I am in exactly the same boat. I don't know what to do. I have had counselling which helped to a degree. I thought I was going a bit crazy and the counselling helped bring me back down to earth and see that my feelings were real but that I had been squashing them down - for quite some time - to keep everyone else happy.

DH is a nice man, he does his fair share around the house etc (although since its his house, not sure that should count that much). He swears he loves me and he definitely fancies me. But he does not "get" me at all. We have little in common and don't talk much about anything that's not family or admin stuff. He seems happy bumbling around doing DIY and the like. I am bored out of my mind. And although objectively I can see that he is a decent looking bloke, I just don't fancy him.

Sex has always been not great. For a lot of years, including before we got married (because of hormonal contraception, pregnancy and breastfeeding), this didn't matter as I had little sex drive so would go through the motions every now and then - rarely very keen but was alright once we got going. hardly ever had an orgasm. But now (no hormones or small babies) my libido is raging but I don't want him to touch me and he simply doesn't do anything for me in that department. I have tried, believe me. We had a short lived burst of frequent sex when my libido returned but this quickly fizzled out when I realised that I could only enjoy it by 100% mentally checking out. Once I was "back in the room" as it were, it was like a bucket of cold water. And once I realised this, I lost the ability to check out. He keeps trying to initiate and I keep rejecting him. Its awful for us both. I have told him I don't want to have sex, ever. This seemed to come as a surprise even though we have only had sex twice in the last year and the second of those times I made him stop half way through as I just couldn't do it.

We don't do much together on our own. I realised that I organised all of our time alone and when I stopped doing that, he didn't do anything in response. We haven't been out for dinner on our own in over a year. Even on a big wedding anniversary, nothing. I buckled about 3 months ago and tried to organise a night out but got shot down as he didn't want to pay for a babysitter and I have given up again. I don't actually want to spend time alone with him if I am honest. He works away a bit, as do I and I never miss him. I actually feel much happier when he's not around.

I have an active social life, friends, hobbies. I have a decent job. I know I would be just fine on my own and I crave that independence more and more. But I know that it will hurt everyone else, my kids in particular. I have a SEN child who would be terribly badly affected. I am scared DH will lose the plot, he gets anxiety and panic attacks over things and he ruminates.

It feels like a massive bomb that is waiting to drop. I don't know how to open this up but its obvious our communication about feelings is virtually non-existent. I am more and more depressed, which he does notice, but doesn't know what to do about.

I have no answers.

I could've written half of these posts. I'm at a loss to what the solution is but to my absolute shame, I'm in the middle of an emotional affair that is very likely to turn into a physical one (fully expect a flaming and its deserved).

I'm just not getting my needs met in my marriage (sexually or emotionally). I've tried talking to him but it's like talking to a brick wall. He wants to think that everything is ok and just bumble on as before. But the thought of breaking the family up and the upset it will cause everyone just kills me. I honestly don't know what to do.

I’m going have to read this book this post is similar to my own had the chat so often but now going stick it out it feels like your forcing them to get jiggy when they should want it. when I hear other men either cheating because there not getting any or not enough I get so frustrated there must be loads of us all so incompatible especially when I read these threads I’m not surprised so many people cheat I couldn’t do it but I get it. If people cheated less maybe people would work harder at relationships. it gets worse as you get older as you think another 30 years really depressing or what. I couldn’t break up my family for more sex but wouldn’t mind being more happy with what I have and hope I don’t regret my choice.

Borge- I'm also at a similar point to you. No idea what to do

I am in the same boat apart from my kids are younger (3 and 6) and I love my husband so much but as my best mate. And who wants to shag their best mate 🤷‍♀️.
We get on so we’ll though and we have a lovely life and as someone said it’s so much to give up because I don’t want to sleep with him.
I can see as well he’s a good looking guy. I just can’t feel that way about him. Is there a way of making it work?

@Borge I've sent you a PM

I am amazed at how many of us are struggling with this situation and not willing to give up for our dc sake how many of us are mismatched there are so many posts on here lately it’s crazy I knew I wasn’t alone but so many of us suffering big hugs to us all.

Another one in the same position. 25 years together, two children (with Asperger's), just can't face the upheaval to their lives at this point in time. I read "too good to leave", got about 75% of the way through, but my answer was always to stay. Why am I so unhappy then?

I cannot face having sex with him, the resentment was too great, and now there is no intimacy between us, so I cannot imagine us even trying.

I just don't know how to make changes, how to move on.

I'm sadly joining this thread 😩
Married 14 yrs together 17 two kids 11&9
Whilst so sad that many others in the same position I do gain some peace from knowing I am not alone.
I just feel so unsettled know what I need to do to be happy but worried that it will turn everyone else's life upside down!
Same as many
Nice house
Good job
Appears like a good life
No real sex life for years and a feeling of falling into the abyss I am 39 and the thought of no sex for ever makes me so blooming sad
I loved my husband so much and wanted so much the happy ever after yet it feels like It's slipping away as I feel less and less for him
All complicated by a big move recently a son with behavioural challenges and my DF with dementia in 60's
Wondering how old other PP are as I know many women around my age who feel like this and wonder if it's a milestone age thing?! A realisation that this might be it or is there something better? X

I totally understand ladies. I've been married 23 years, son now not at home , so it's just us. My DH would be top of many of your lists I know if 'on the market' . Decent looking, slimming, well dressed, nice hair, youthful for mid 50,s but I just don't feel the same. I found out 18 months or so ago about an emotional affair/infatuation thing because he left stuff he wrote in a drawer. He had also spent time recording and singing it onto CD (works in music) it was from 11 years previously but this person worked for us and was only 20 and had been on tour sharing rooms etc. He says it was just a one sided crush but I don't have proof and I was totally gobsmacked, least likely guy you could imagine, not a player or massive flirt etc. I since have snooped and found he has a big porn habit the minute I'm out the house, I brought this up, he was mortified and it appears to have stopped (router stats if you are asking) he wasn't being silly, all private browsing. Problem is now I feel tremendously flat and however much I like him (and in many ways I do) I can't feel the same, particularly on the sex side and he isn't that patient if it goes more than a few weeks and certainly expects me to 'give him a hand' at least once a week. The crush thing cannot be mentioned either, he gets in a huff. One thing I did was made myself quite a few new friends when I found out, so that has helped me personally, I think we could still be friends if we split, but I feel guilty as although he does know a lot of people, he has no local friends and hence depends on me for company a lot. He is away on tour next few weeks though a fair bit, so I get some space. I feel for us all, it's very easy saying LTB, not always that easy in practice and especially if there isn't a 'massive' trigger.

@yetmorecrap I think the trigger thing is right!!
No dv, no affair no bad behaviour just a feeling of unhappiness which feels very selfish ( to me anyway) and how could I do this to my family just for myself!!
I thought my feelings would pass but two years in they are going nowhere!!

Another one checking in. I honestly never thought there would be so many of us.

We are finally financially comfortable enough for the first time. We have DCs who would be devastated. My earning power is not great as I can only work part time. DH is a decent man, not abusive in any way, gets up with DCs every day, letting me lie in. But I don't fancy him. We have only had sex to have our DCs. Youngest is now 7 so it's been 8 years. He still wants me and only me. I finally brought this up recently because a friend is in a very similar situation. I floated the idea of an open marriage. In an ideal world, I want to have my cake and eat it. I don't want to disrupt the DCs. I don't want to give up our life to have to struggle financially knowing I'll never be able to work full time and earn a decent wage. DH wasn't interested and said it was weird. Sex was ok enough at first. I was young and inexperienced. In the end I got fed up with bed-not being undressed but just being nudged to take clothes off-climbed on etc. I could always orgasm, that has never been an issue but once I realised how boring the sex was, my feelings died away.

I'm gagging for sex. Just not with him. He thinks I don't want sex full stop. He said he'd jump into bed tomorrow. I told him outright it's not happening. He seems to be ok with plodding along as we are. But I'm getting increasingly snappy with him as I'm happier and more content when it's just me and DCs. I've even said maybe we need to admit it and just live as co-parents, he said we already do, but I said we've never acknowledged that. We haven't shared a bed in years.

I don't have to opportunity to meet anyone, but if I did, despite always being very anti affairs, I can't guarantee I'd not jump at the chance.

Part of me has always known that I settled. He was my first boyfriend. We moved in quickly and I couldn't go home because I didn't have a room there anymore, so I felt stuck. I've never been confident in my looks so thought if I didn't grab this opportunity, someone else may not want me. Which seems daft as I've always attracted some attention on a night out and been able to 'pull' without any problems.

Another checking in....
Got pregnant within 3mths of meeting and am now feeling stuck 8yrs in. Two DCs (7&5) and he’s a brilliant father to them, but I can’t help feeling I want more from life. I fully get what you mean by having settled @AspieHere - I feel exactly the same, but thought I’d be OK with it. How hard could it be right?! I feel so miserable and know I need to leave but the thought of hurting my kids is unbearable.

I am out the other side of a relationship like this - left exh a year ago.

The interesting thing is that it's only now that I can really see how very mismatched we were. I spent literally years worrying about whether I should leave or not, and also concerned as to whether he would cope emotionally on his own or not.

So, a year on - he is fine. I am much happier without him, even though I have to say it's not an easy process to go through (separation/divorce, splitting assets etc.) Please, please to all you posters who are unhappy in your marriages don't stay just because you are worried about making a change. It will be difficult but it will also be well worth it.