Marriage not terrible but not that great either

[VacationRules]

I’m sorry if this turns out to be reeeeally long. I’m looking for some wise words or a bit of perspective on my situation.

On the face of it, I have a very lovely life. I’m mid-forties, I’ve been married for 13 years, three brilliant children, DH and I both have careers that we love, financially we’re comfortable. I couldn’t wish for a better father for my children. As a dad, he’s patient, loving, hands on… we get along well together, have a lot of the same tastes and interests. The trouble is, I just don’t think I love him.

When we got together, I was shortly out of a horrible, physically abusive relationship. By the time I realised how bad it was, I was too scared of him to leave so I stuck around longer than I should have, which took its toll on me. When I met DH, he was so different to my horrible ex that I thought I’d struck gold. We had a bit of a whirlwind romance really, got married and had children quite quickly. Which was great at the time and I think I was just craving the stability that all that would bring. But I can see now that we never had that spark. Whatever it is that turns a friendship into a relationship.

Part of the problem is our sex life. I don’t think we’re particularly compatible. DH is very, very conservative in his tastes and although I consider myself to be fairly vanilla, because I’ve never wanted to push him to do something he’s uncomfortable with, we’ve always defaulted to the handful of things that we both enjoy. It’s pretty much killed the enjoyment for me over the years and now it just feels like another thing on my to-do list. I think also, that because he doesn’t make me feel desirable, I’ve become a bit resentful. I’ve spend at least ten years having sex in the dark and I just find it soul destroying. We’ve spoken about this in the past but ultimately, I can neither make him desire me more, neither can I change his own tastes. We do still have sex but to be honest, if we stopped tomorrow, that would be ok with me.

There are other problems as well, around the splitting of housework/cooking but he’s not too bad and I think these could be fixed if I was generally happier in my marriage. As it is, I don’t really have the energy or the desire to fix them so it’s easier to just get on and accept that this is the way it is. The longer we’re together, the more difficult I find it to be around him. Annoying habits wind me up to the point that I become a ball of resentment and end up snapping at him. I know that to a point, this is how it is in a LTR, getting wound up and bickering about each other’s bad habits but I just can’t shake the feeling that if I loved him more, or if I loved him differently, I could live with all these little things that currently make me want to walk out the door and never come back.

As things stand at the moment, I seem to spend most of the time thinking about how much I’d love to live on my own, with a nice amicable 50/50 parenting arrangement. But as far as I’m aware, DH adores me and I can’t even imagine bringing this up with him. It would (for him) be completely out of the blue and it would rip my family apart. I think about how that conversation would go and there’s just no way I could do it to him. I think about how upset out families would be, how we would have to sell our house, how sad my children would be, how I would likely have to lose contact with several of my friends, the logistics of the school run, how stretched I’d be financially. Martyring myself feels like the only option.

Sorry, that really was quite long. I’ve probably missed out loads of really pertinent information as well. I suppose what I’m asking is has anyone ever got to this point and somehow managed to turn it around? If so, where did you find the will to do it? I just don’t think I care enough at the moment. Or has anyone ever walked out of a marriage like this, where it wasn’t exactly bad but it wasn’t great either? I’m just at a loss. The guilt of feeling like this is tearing me up and I’m so, so sad about the whole situation.

We had a big talk last night. Basically he feels in limbo from our last discussion and he needs to know whether there is a future for us. He is willing to do whatever it takes to make it work but will accept if this isn't what I want then we can both move on. I couldn't bring myself to say it. We are heading that way though.

Ultimately I think we will agree we aren't together but continue living and parenting together. Tbh hardly anything will change as this is exactly as we are now. We haven't shared a bed for years, we have no physical contract at all, we live like brother and sister. We are both stressed and grumpy with the situation because we don't know where we stand. I think admitting will be a weight off.

Neither of us want to be dicks towards the other, neither want to see the other struggle and we both want to keep the kids our priority.

Feels like big changes ahead. I'd be happy with still living together as co parents. We don't resent each other at all. I do think it could work. Unsure further on if we meet other people. DH has low self esteem and feels he won't meet anyone else. He is a good man though and has a lot to offer. If I felt that way about him physically, we would be fine, but I dont and I can't carry on for the rest of my life as it's getting me down.

Nodding along.

16 years, 3 kids, gradually, very very gradually, he has withdrawn from me and the kids.

It used to be a source of drama - I dragged him to counselling, I organised dates and holidays and special times. He never ever reciprocated, and, frankly, I can take a hint.

He's not a bad man, he just doesn't think he needs to make an effort to maintain relationships. His family don't, so, I guess that's where it comes from.

I'm bored of trying.

There are worse lives, we rub along not too badly as long as we don't go on holiday for longer than a week. The kids have stability, and that is valuable. The house is great and we're faithful. I've spent 5 years building up my work to a point where I am self employed and travel away a couple of times a month - the joy of being n a hotel room with knitting and a small bottle of wine is enough to keep me sane.

He's not a bad man, he's just someone who thinks that being married is "enough". I really don't. I want to feel wanted.

I can get that from friends and hobbies and family, though. I don't feel deprived of sex. No idea what I'd do if someone gave me the glad eye, though.

Will KOKO and aim for outliving him and being a Very Merry Widow.

It's not what I'd hoped we'd become. Makes me sad.

Another one in the same position. My DH is a 'great guy', but I don't love him anymore. We never have proper conversations, or have fun together. I can't bear the idea of sex with him, and he thinks I just have no sex drive, yet I fantasise about sex A LOT! Just never with him. I feel like such a cow, rejecting him, especially when he's trying so hard to be a good husband and father (that actually pisses me off more!). He knows I'm not happy but he won't ask why as the answer will start a discussion he doesn't want.

I know I need to be brave. I also know he will make it very hard for me as he can be very cold and stubborn, so once he realises what the inevitable is he will make my life hell.

Another week of DH not doing anything with the children and I am seething inside. Next wednesday is on of my work days and he is apparently too busy to take time off, but Thursday he is playing golf all day. My mum is taking the children instead. I know they will have a better time but it makes me so cross that he doesn't want to spend time with them at all. He told me that I should give up work to spend time with them and on the housework, and I know it's because he feels it's beneath him to spend time on either.

A previous poster said that her DH had withdrawn from the family and that is what I feel my DH has done. He will come along if we go somewhere he feels is adequate if his time, but if not he would rather not, and always has some excuse. I can't be bothered any more but it makes me so angry.

In response to this I have booked a week in Devon for the DC's and myself next summer. He won't want to come but I don't want to do a week in the sun with nothing to do and the kids are bored so I endup entertaining them while he reads his book and sunbathes.

That would make me angry too gandolfand good for you for booking a holiday you want and works for youans your DC. How old are they?

Another one checking in here.

The “hey listen up” post at the top of MN relationships really bugs me. Most people are in happy relationships? Really? Obviously if you look on fb or insta most/all people are in happy relationships, because no-one writes on fb that they never have sex or go out or have fun with theirDP/families. Only happy pictures are posted. Almost 1/2 of marriages end in divorce, and as this thread has shown there are a whole heap of people who live in unhappy or at least unsatisfying relationships. Someone asked me recently to think of my happily married friends. I couldn’t think of any. And I wouldn’t say they are all unhappy, but I’m not sure many of them are living the life they thought they would when they walked down the aisle. Having had 2 major relationship crises (called off an engagement 6 weeks before the wedding and DH and I currently in very difficult place) I confided details to some very close friends/family. I had some very surprising responses......people that I thought were blissfully happy simply weren’t, and some of them could easily post here. I may or may not summon up the courage to leave DH. Financially I’d be fine. DH and the DC would be devastated. Mostly I don’t want to meet someone else, but secretly I hope I would. But I never enjoyed the dating game and I really don’t care about sex(because I’m
Too exhausted living in this ‘have it all’ age). I just want to live a happy life. Being married IS hard work....at least it will be some of the time if you want to stay married to the same person forever. Chances are if you leave DH and meet someone else at some point you’ll fall out of love with them and the cycle will repeat.....which certainly isn’t an example I’d want to show my children. Choosing to stay married is a decision you make every single day. Some days that decision is harder than others. Huge hugs to everyone on this thread (I almost never post on MN)

Food for thought there Alfred. It's tough because I basically really want sex. But not with my husband. But I don't necessarily want the big upheaval of splitting. We do get on, we don't argue, we don't dislike each other, we have respect for each other, he is a hands on dad etc etc. There are no guarantees I'd meet someone else or that they would be decent or I wouldn't end up feeling the same way about after a while.

In an ideal world I'd stay as we are but have sex with other men, but I'm also not one for one night stands etc and I can take a while to start fancying someone, it's not often instant. But that's not fair on DH. I offered him the chance to get his needs elsewhere but he just wasn't interested in doing that. But he's 'happy' to agree to separate but still live together, basically as we are with some ground rules.

I do agree, Alfred.

I think that "happiness" is a thing that is a thing that people go on about as being a requirement for a good life...I'm not sure I agree. My kids get a good education and healthcare from the state. I live in a place with a justice system that works reasonably well. I have rights and protections and equalities, safety, a transport infrastructure that mostly works and a family that is kind and has my best interests at heart.

What more is there?

"boo hoo hoo my husband is not that friendly"

There are at least a billion women in the world who'd give my head a wobble for me. I think they have a point.

He's dull and selfish and our marriage is not even companionship. But, he is reliable, hardworking and doing his best. There are a lot worse.

"There are at least a billion women in the world who'd give my head a wobble for me. I think they have a point."

Sorry but advice like this does my head in. There is always someone, somewhere worse off. That doesnt mean you have to just put up with being unhappy just because somewhere else there is a person who would kill to be in your position. That's just existing, not living.

I'm not UNhappy, though. I just don't get my happiness from my husband - and that is a shame. He provides stability for our kids, and, that is something I value greatly. I don't think us separating would be best for them and their life, we are a dull example of a marriage - but, equally, I think that marriages which are full of sparkle after 20 years are the outliers.

I don't feel like I am existing - I feel disappointed that my marriage isn't what we both expected it to be. That's a long way from just existing.

I agree with you Aspie, we (husbands included) shouldn't have to just accept a marriage which is dull,no companionship with a selfish partner. Yes if you want to have regrets you just plodded along when you look back in 20 years time

Op, I wrote a post nearly identical to this yesterday. Totally get what you are saying.
I've been googling all morning 'how to tell dp
I want to separate' the thing is who will move out, where will he or myself and dp go. It's all so complicated to we just plod on with it but only thing which makes me happy st the moment is thinking it will all be over soon when I have the courage

vivariumvivariumsvivaria see what you wrote is what's preventing me from ending it. I know DH wants and needs a definitive answer but I am in total turmoil and cannot decide. There doesn't seem enough of a reason. We have a secure life. We have a nice home. He isn't horrible or abusive. We don't argue or dislike each other. He adores me. We do have that stability. But like you say, I don't get that happiness from him either. And that makes me feel terrible and guilty.

We have been communicating more, which has been better and created a better atmosphere. We do rub along well. There are zero guarantees I'd be happier single or that I'd meet a decent man who would put up with me. But is that enough to stay with someone?

There's also the vows.

I promised him the usual vows - not "until we get a bit boring, then, we quit"

That's a thing that matters too. We might come good again, there's a lot of history between us, maybe once the kids are up and off we'll actually get a new burst. Dunno.

Couples therapy is a good idea as someone previously suggested but it actually sounds to me like you'd benefit from counseling on your own to help you through this and figure it out.

It’s so incredibly difficult. I think I would have been relatively ok with just co parenting, being friends, and never having sex, but sooner or later I would have wanted that closeness with someone, though I could never imagine sleeping with DH again. I’m not sure that would have been enough for him either eventually and I’d have had to go back to rejecting him again which always made me feel like a complete bitch.

He was fairly devastated when I left. It’s only been around 6 weeks. I’m sure he still thinks well get back together. Staying left is much harder than the initial leaving, I feel incredibly guilty for uprooting all our lives but I know if I went back nothing would have changed and I’d either have leave again in a few years or spend my life constantly feeling like something was missing. If I’d had this relationship in my 70s I’d probably be really happy, but 40 feels too soon to have lost all the passion and to just settle for companionship.

What really swung me in the end was feeling I really didn’t want this to be the benchmark for a relationship for my DC. I want them to see that there is better out there.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria you should take a look at Maslows hierarchy of need. Yes, all those basic levels need to be met in life, but there’s a further level, self actualisation, where all the real magic happens in life. Why should we settle for the basics and not strive for more, just because there are people worse off? Happiness is not a limited resource, me having some doesn’t mean there’s less for anyone else. And surely if I’m in a good, happy place that’s much more likely to rub off on my kids than when I’m quietly miserable. I know which kind of mum I’d rather they have, even if it means I’m not with their dad anymore.

Funnily enough was having a similar chat with my friend today, she is only 34 and a single mum and been in a relationship a year, she’s a very buzzy energetic gal and she says to be honest she’s not sure she actually likes being in a relationship with anyone, she feels suffocated , like all choices and decisions have to be run by someone and sex is kind of expected as part of the ‘deal’ rather than really wanting it. I was saying to her it’s the small stuff that’s getting to me after 23 years, like TV and lights being switched off at night without even asking me , kind of presuming if it’s bed time for him, it is for me, and we can’t have music on at night because he has had it ona lot of the day (job) And if I’ve been out in town for more than an a couple of hours he will be calling me etc. On top of this I also have his chronic secretive porn habit pissing me off , it has been brought up twice by me and I asked him to cut it to when he was away (several times a month) but he hasn’t and it’s still 4 or5 times a week and he isn’t aware I know this. Thing is like other people have said, I think part of my dissatisfaction is with our relationship (and no I don’t feel like sex) And part is disaffection with one to one relationships in general. I have to be honest if I was on my own, last thing I would be doing at 56 is rushing to get dates!!!